Joohyun was on her way to break up with Seungwan. 

If someone told her two months ago that she would even consider separating with Seungwan, she would laugh at his face and rolled her eyes. They were glued to each other. It was always Joohyun and Seungwan. Seungwan and Joohyun. The older didn’t even remember their first meeting. They were in the same childcare centre. Both Joohyun and Seungwan’s parents worked seven hours a day, so they didn’t have the luxury to watch their kids as much as they wanted. When Joohyun’s mother later apologise to grown-up Joohyun for that, Joohyun said that it was fine. That’s how she got to meet Seungwan anyway, she said at that time. Well, they would later go to the same primary and secondary schools; however, knowing Seungwan even before understanding alphabets was a privilege Joohyun very grateful to get. 

A wind blew a little too hard making Joohyun shivered. She quickly put her hand in her pocket, gritted her teeth through the coldness that seemed to linger on her tiny body. She should not let her hands get cold. Seungwan would worry then. Seungwan had always fretted over the smallest things, while on the other hand, Joohyun was so unperturbed to everything that it was alarming. Well, except to her work, and Seungwan. 

"Joohyun, your hands are freezing!"

Seungwan, whose hair tied with a pen into a messy bun, went frantic as she tried to take off her doctor coat. It was a ridiculous scene, really. Joohyun was dressed from top to bottom, a beanie, a sweater underneath an overcoat and even boots, while her girlfriend wore just a plaid shirt and jeans.

“I'm fine, Seungwan." Joohyun tried to stop the younger, which she knew would be impossible when Seungwan was looking like that, her eyes opening so widely that they seemed about to fall off her face, scanning Joohyun from head to toe while her hands were rubbing Joohyun's so furiously that Joohyun felt it could start a fire. Joohyun look around her, realising the few amused glances people threw them as they walk through the hospital hallway. "Seungwan, really, I'm okay."

"Why are you out in the cold? You know you will get sick" Joohyun tried to hold back her smile when she saw Seungwan's little pout. 

"You of all people should've known that cold weather does not cause sickness" Joohyun grinned. There's no way people could just not smile at that pout. Not that people should see it, she thought, they all would fall in love with Seungwan and Joohyun was extremely protective (or territorial, according to Sooyoung) of her younger girlfriend. "I think a doctor from Asan Medical Centre should've known that much ."

"A soon-to-be doctor " Seungwan corrected her, and then mumbled something along the line of risk, bacteria, and temperature. "Why are your hands still cold?" Seungwan furrowed her eyebrow, frustrated that her treatment didn't seem to work. 

"Well, you haven't given me the cure that always warms me every time."

 Seungwan tilted her head. "What?"

"You."

Seungwan's face went flushed. The younger only stammered syllables that didn't make any sense even if they were put together. Joohyun laughed at her flustered girlfriend. "I don't mean that, silly." Joohyun grinned widely, Seungwan should really stop pouting, or she would soon get a heart attack instead of a mere cold. "I meant your hugs. Come here." Joohyun opened her arms. 

The younger sighed and then embraced the older tightly. "You should've just told me that" Seungwan mumbled to Joohyun's shoulder. The older chuckled, resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulder.

"Let's go home," Joohyun said after Seungwan let her go, "but you need to hold my hand all the way there, or it will get cold again."

"Our car has a heater, you know," Seungwan complained, but still reached and held her girlfriend's hand as they walked to the hospital's carpark. 

[•••••]

"Unnie, are you at the hospital?"

Yerim's voice was always loud. It did not matter whether she heard it from afar or on the other line of the phone.  

"I'm on my way. Still on the bus" The driver slammed on the brake, causing Joohyun to jolt forward. She hated buses, but the wind outside was too cold, and she didn't want to trouble Seungwan. 

"You should really learn how to drive, unnie."

"Hmm. Seungwan said so too."

"..."

"Did you meet her?"

"Yes." 

"How is she?" The bus stopped abruptly again. Joohyun almost dropped the phone on her hand. Maybe she should just get off on the next stop and walk.

"She is okay, I guess, still there. I mean, she looked just the same as yesterday, or a week ago." Joohyun could hear Yerim sighed on the other line. "I didn't tell her that you are coming over." Yerim continued. The bus swerved to the next lane violently. That's it. Joohyun pressed the buzzer. She would not want to stay on any longer. "Unnie?"

"Seungwan hates hospitals," Joohyun stated, as she got off the bus. And they say women are bad drivers, she thought. If only everyone drove like Seungwan, she would gladly ride the bus everywhere. "It's ironic because she spent so many hours of her life in there. I mean, she was the one who wanted to become a doctor. Why would she do that if she hates the place so much?" Joohyun looked around her. Where is she now and where is she supposed to be walking? "Now she is stuck in there. She should not have worked in the hospital." Joohyun had been to this road countless of time, mostly with Seungwan leading her the way. "Yerim?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm hanging up. I can't talk and find my way at the same time." Probably if she just went straight, she would reach there. Right, it should not be that difficult.

"I thought the bus stopped right in front of the hospital."

"Well, I got off because the driver drove like a madman." Joohyun looked around her. Everything suddenly felt pretty foreign to her. Why can't she see the hospital building from here? 

"Where are you right now, unnie?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure it's nearby." Maybe she should not have gotten off of the bus. The wind blew. Right, the wind. She should not have gotten off the bus. 

"You are lost, aren't you?"

"I will be if we keep this call going. Bye, Yerim." Joohyun ended the call. 

"I can't do a long-distance relationship."

Joohyun just got back from her work trip to Japan. She left for only a week, but Seungwan acted like they she was gone for a year. They are right now cuddling up on the sofa (mostly Seungwan clinging to Joohyun for her dear life, but the older didn't mind), watching the tv while they ordered in food. 

"You missed me that much, huh?" Joohyun smiled, nuzzling into Seungwan neck. Her girlfriend held her tighter, leaving no space between them.  

"You have no idea. I mean, I have to cook for one for a week! Who even does that, cooking for one? "Seungwan said, almost raising her voice. Joohyun only giggled. She didn't need to raise her face and look to her girlfriend to know that the latter's eyebrow was raised so high. Seungwan was always so animated when she talked. "I always made too much, Hyun-ah. Life without you is hard." 

"I was just in Japan, Seungwan-ah." Joohyun rubbed her nose to her girlfriend's neck. The younger always smelled so good. 

“It is still a different country! I had to get on a plane to be with you. Yes, me! You hate plane rides, so I will be the one who’s making the trips, all alone.” Joohyun just smiled all through Seungwan’s babbling. “I will never do a long-distance relationship.”

“What if I get a job offer in Canada? Will we break up?” 

“Canada?” Seungwan let go of her hold. She sat up straight, tilting her head in serious thoughts. “I don't think you will want to move to Canada. It's too cold there."

"Hypothetically, Wan-ah."

Seungwan pouted. "Well, if you move to another country, then I will just have to follow you." 

"What about your job?”

"I will quit,” Seungwan said simply.

“Really?” Joohyun raised her eyebrows. It was not an instant journey for the younger to reached where she was at that time. Seungwan had to spend six years in medical college, one year of internship, and now on her second of the required four years as a resident. 

“Sure. I hate hospitals anyway. I can leave anytime.” Seungwan shrugged as if it was not a big of a deal. Joohyun stared at her girlfriend, smiling in response. "You moving away to Canada will not let you get rid of me, Joohyun-ah, " Seungwan smirked,  "even hypothetically."

[•••••]

"There is something I have not told you," Joohyun started. 

She sat next to Seungwan, gazing at her. Seungwan lost weights. Staying at the hospital must have worn her out. Joohyun sighed. "I know that having this conversation in your workplace is not really ideal, but—" A pause. Joohyun took a deep breath. Say it. Say it Joohyun.

"I met someone."

She looked down, didn't have the strength to look at the younger as she said those words. Her right hand clenched into a fist. Pursing her lips, Joohyun tried to calm herself. Seungwan must have heard her. She waited for Seungwan's response. 

Nothing.

"Her name is Jennie. "Joohyun sighed. Should she really continue? She could stop here and ask Seungwan not to go. She could beg Seungwan to stay. "She was there at Jisoo's birthday party, do you remember, the one that you could not come to because you have a night shift that day? Well, she is Jisoo's best friend, that is why she was there." No, she had to do it, let Seungwan know. It would not be fair to the younger if she kept holding her back. "Seulgi introduced us. Probably she felt bad that she was about to ditch me alone in her girlfriend's party, which I have no problem with. She was the host. I know that she got people to tend to."

"Jennie was alone as well. She came with Jisoo's other friends, but they were sort of in a relationship, she did not want to be stuck with them the whole night. So, we talked." Joohyun continued. "Jennie is five years younger than me, which make her two years younger than you, but she is taller than us," Joohyun smiled, "She is an editor of a fashion magazine, so she sort of understands my work field."

“She used to live in New Zealand for a few years. She sometimes blurted out random English words...”

just like you sometimes do, Joohyun almost said out loud. “She—“

Breathe, Joohyun.

"She asked me on a date, that night before we parted."

Silence.

"I said no."

Joohyun raised her head. She looked at the younger. "I said that I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend, whom I love very much." She smiled. If Seungwan were awake, she would've thrown her the -eating grin, and said something overly cheesy that would make Joohyun cringe. Joohyun reached for Seungwan's hand. Her hand were still warm; Seungwan's hand was still Seungwan's. 

"I said that I have a girlfriend who would throw a fit if I missed a meal, a girlfriend who would write me letters because she was too embarrassed to say how much she loves me right to my face, but later would do a thousand-word speech of how perfect my nose is. I have a girlfriend who would still hold my hand even if I move to Canada, hypothetically."

Joohyun paused. She let the back of her fingers caress Wendy's forehead, her temple, then down her cheek.  

"But this time, it's not Canada, Wan-ah," Joohyun said, barely above a whisper.

"I don't know how to get to the place you're going. ”Joohyun was biting her lips hard, trying to stop herself from breaking down. Not now, not yet. "You said that you wouldn't do a long-distance relationship, " Joohyun breathed in, "so we won't." 

"We won't," Joohyun repeated, more to herself, with tears running down her cheeks. 

We can’t.

“So let go of me, Seungwan-ah.”  

Joohyun gripped on the younger’s hand so hard. She gritted her teeth, trying to suppress the sob that threatened to come out.  “You once said that the hardest form of love is letting go, so please....” Joohyun said, with all the energy left in her, “if you love me that much, let go of me, Wan-ah.”

Joohyun clenched her eyes. How she wished Seungwan would say something, anything, slapped her even - or anything equivalent to a slap for a Son Seungwan - but all she got was just a repeating tone that one of the hospital machines made. She looked at the younger, all the tubes going inside the latter’s tiny body, and the oxygen mask that covered more than half of her face. “You should really stop being so selfless and keep taking care of me. You are the one lying on the hospital bed for god's sake.” 

“I can take care of myself," Joohyun breathed in, pushing herself to continue, "not as good as you would want me to, but I can. I probably will miss a meal or two. I probably will walk around to get where I need to be- I know that I will get lost all those times.”

“But I will live Wan-ah.” Joohyun held Seungwan’s hand. She pressed the back of it to her cheek, “I will smile again when Seulgi cries over a silly movie, and laugh when Sooyoung teases her for it. I will lose my temper when Yerim forgets to separate coloured and white clothes when she is doing her laundry. And I…” She took a deep breath, “when I am ready, I will probably ask Jennie if she would be so kind as to go on that date.”

It does not mean I will stop loving you. I don't think I can do that. I will still love you, even after.

“I promised I can do my life without you, Seungwan.” She looked at the younger, smiling “So let’s break up.”

[•••••]

Seungwan had always looked beautiful when she was sleeping. Joohyun remembered the day after Jisoo's party. It was Saturday morning. She was about to get up, do some laundry like she always does on weekends when she felt an arm hugging her waist. Joohyun turned her head (she remembered that she went to bed alone the night before) and found her girlfriend, sleeping peacefully. Sure, Seungwan hair was a mess, covering half the younger's face, some even in , but Seungwan was still angelic. The misty rays of sunlight slipped through the small gaps of the curtains, softly patting Seungwan's cheeks. Joohyun raised her hand so that the lights wouldn't reach Seungwan's eyes. She had always been a light sleeper, Joohyun smiled.

Seungwan was not that sensitive to lights now, or noises. She did not wake up when Yerim broke down into sobs and whimpers hugging her tiny body. She did not wake up to Seulgi calling her name over and over again, chanting them like prayers to bring her back. She did not wake up when Sooyoung slammed her room’s door so loud or tried to chase the younger like she always does. 

She did not wake up when Joohyun tugged her small auburn fringe of hair behind her ears. She did not blush when Joohyun kissed her forehead. Her face did not light up with her soft and giddy smile when the Joohyun whispered her I love you’s to her ear.

Seungwan did not hold back the older’s hand, even when Joohyun’s was as cold as ice. 

So Joohyun let her go.