A.N.: So I was watching Grow the other day and I wanted to read some angsty ff about that time period but I didn't find any! There were few fics that mentioned it in passing but where is the angst??? So I just wrote what I wanted to read even though I am terrible all around. Hopefully some of you have recovered from the trauma of that episode and would enjoy this. 

People have many secrets throughout their lives. Some are necessary and some are just inconvenient. There are many secrets that are not really secrets for people for whom those matter and then there are secrets that would devastate someone if they were to know them.

Infinite had a lot of secrets they had to keep from the fans. Those could be anything from their bare faces or current lovers. Initially they had struggled a lot between keeping the fans at approachable distance yet not too close but over the first year they learned to achieve the perfect balance. Having been into the world of entertainment through a reality show, they would say they were always closer too the fans than their peers. However, secrets, that should also technically not matter to their fans, were necessary for any entertainer. For example, Sungjong’s uality had nothing to do with the content and love they provided their fans and so it was a necessary secret kept from the world, but everyone in Infinite had accepted it long ago when their friendships were just taking shapes.

Infinite had many secrets that they had to keep from the world but very few that they would keep in between them. Most of them didn’t really matter; like who ate all the chocolate cake left over from Sunggyu’s birthday (It was Sungyeol). Or who left dirty footprints all over the floor and didn’t say anything even though they were all forced to clean it (It was also Sungyeol). Those were the secrets that had no impact in the long term and the truth was inconvenient for the owner of those secrets.

Infinite didn’t have many secrets in the group and even fewer were secrets that only some of them knew but some didn’t. In fact, if Myungsoo was to guess, perhaps there had only been one such secret. Or maybe there were more and Myungsoo just knew this one because it was one of his own secrets. A secret, he had kept from only one member, because the truth would be inconvenient.

Sungjong hated secrets. He especially hated it when people kept secrets just because it would be inconvenient to do otherwise. And if he had to choose secrets that he hated the most, it would be the ones that were kept from only him out of all the Infinite members just because it would be inconvenient to tell him the truth. Sungjong knew he hated those the most because he had experienced it once already. When he came to know about Myungsoo’s affair along with the rest of the world.

Myungsoo didn’t really know what had prompted him to keep it a secret from Sungjong. Sungjong was an adult now, and this was something that he knew that the whole group had a right to know, as it would affect their careers too if it ever got out. That had been what Sungjong had said when he had come out to his hyungs. He had asked them if it was okay for them to have such a time bomb ticking away in their group. Myungsoo still remembered Sungjong’s frail figure shaking quietly as he had waited for their leader to say something, knowing the other members wouldn’t go against the eldest of them all. And if Sungjong could be brave enough to bet all his dreams on the whim of his hyungs, trusting them to take the right decision, there was no reason that Myungsoo shouldn’t have shown the same curtesy to the youngest member. So he didn’t know why he had hesitated for months.

And that was a lie, he kept telling himself. That it was a harmless thing, just him procrastinating because it wouldn’t affect Sungjong’s life more than the others. That, if Sunggyu and the management knew about it then Sungjong didn’t have to worry anymore. Myungsoo always knew the real reason in the back of his mind.

Sungjong was gay, Myungsoo was curious. Like an idiot Myungsoo had tried to satisfy his curiosity with the most beautiful person he had ever met, not realizing the effect this might have on someone so young and naïve as Sungjong. They hadn’t done anything much, except sharing their worries with each other and a bit of skin-ship maybe a bit more loving than others, and yet Sungjong had fallen so easily. Myungsoo could clearly see the signs. He may not have a lot to say but he had plenty of observation skills to make up for that. Sungjong had been stupid enough to fall for the first person who had shown him affection. Myungsoo didn’t know if he should be proud of that or worried because if he could do it with so little, there were many others in the world who could take advantage of this fact.

But if he admitted it to himself, more than anything, Myungsoo had been scared. He realized belatedly that maybe he had been too hasty; that maybe even though Sungjong was younger, he was a lot braver than Myungsoo was at that point of their lives. Sungjong had also known he would fall for a man for most of his life and Myungsoo had only just allowed himself to open up to the possibility. And so, like a coward, Myungsoo had tried to run away. Like a fool Myungsoo had taken the first opportunity that came his way. It had been in his best interest at that time, in more than one way. Very few celebrities could say they would receive love, support and help in their career with the start of their relationship. It wasn’t like they had a dating ban or anything. It had only seemed natural that a 20-year-old would be in a relationship when they are at the height of their career as long as it didn’t affect their work.

There was just one problem. Myungsoo was a coward in more matters than he cared to admit. He could brazenly go out with his lover without caring much for the consequences, however he couldn’t be honest in front of the one person he had come to hold dear (like? Love?).

So, he had withheld the truth. It was just a white lie by omission. It wasn’t like Sungjong and him were in a serious relationship. In fact, they were not even hinting at it to each other or the band members. The other members hadn’t even noticed that they had gotten closer to each other. In a group of seven young boys the dynamics often changed when you were forced to live together almost all the time. Sometimes Woohyun was close to Sunggyu, and sometimes they wouldn’t even speak to each other. Sometimes Sungyeol was Myungsoo’s only confidant and sometimes Myungsoo ended up with a split lip and a grudge held for a month. Sungjong and Myungsoo getting closer seemed like part of a larger cycle in the group. When he had told each of them separately, none of them had brought up Sungjong. No matter what Myungsoo’s paranoia over fan’s reaction and their subtlety had been, it was clear that it was just that, paranoia. For everyone that mattered it was just natural shift in friendships, for fans it was just fanservice.

For Sungjong – and here Myungsoo had grown cold feet. He knew that for Sungjong it was more. And he knew that Sungjong would eventually accept that it was not what he had maybe hoped it was, but at what cost? He would lose his close confidant and support during the busiest time of his life. They were not going to be in Korea for a long time. A tour is always stressful, but a world tour is even more so. When he thought of a world tour without his constant source of strength and smile next to him, Myungsoo had felt defeated. So maybe Myungsoo hadn’t been a coward as much as he had been selfish. He had decided to push the inevitable for a few months. Just enough to get himself ready for the eventual separation. Just enough to break the news slowly after putting distance between them that was not possible on a tour.

It had seemed like a bright idea back then. And Myungsoo had been careless because when you consider the repercussions of a relationship with Sungjong going public, the effects of a harmless romance between him and a girl was nothing.

Of course, he had been wrong, and his mistake was advertised to the entire world. But he was only in his early twenties. It would be soon forgotten. The management had assured him, they would do everything to control the situation. But when everyone’s eyes were trained on news-sites and TV stations when they were not following the schedule, all Myungsoo could do was look for Sungjong, just to meet his eyes once to see if they were okay.

At first it had seemed like they were miraculously okay. Sungjong had been supportive, at least in front of the cameras. He hadn’t gotten a chance to talk with Sungjong in private because of the busy schedule due to world tour and damage control. But Sungjong’s hug had comforted him and his smiles had calmed his heart for the first few days.

But then Myungsoo had noticed that maybe they were not as okay as it seemed from the outside. They were never together alone and Myungsoo was robbed of every opportunity of explaining himself. He hadn’t really thought what he would say, but this was Sungjong and he would accept anything as long as Myungsoo tried, he was confident in that aspect. And that assumption was another mistake he realized he had committed.

When Myungsoo was crying in just the company of infinite members Sungjong would leave the room. When Myungsoo returned the encouraging smile Sungjong’s smile faltered. These were small things but, due to the stress of the events, Myungsoo had become sensitive to them. Even a small genuine smile from Sungjong, in the privacy of their hotel, or a small press of hands away from the eyes of camera would have assured him of his place in Sungjong’s life. But as time passed, it seemed like Sungjong had grown sick of him, his lies and he was sick of smiling at the tainted person who had ruined so much with just a thoughtless action. So much not just in the eyes of the fans but also, perhaps even more, in the minds of just Myungsoo and Sungjong.

When at last he had been able to corner the younger in his room, it was almost midnight. Myungsoo had waited patiently for him to return from whatever late-night activities he did to avoid Myungsoo. Later he would know it was just swimming and talking with Hoya and Sungyeol. The details of those conversations were unknown to him to this day but Hoya had never hated him and Sungyeol had never hinted at anything unusual, so he trusted that Sungjong had obscured all the details about Myungsoo from those conversations.

Sungjong had started shivering from the moment he entered his room only to find Myungsoo sitting on his bed. Myungsoo didn’t know if it was the chill in the atmosphere but most probably it was because he was nervous. Myungsoo could recognize this Sungjong from the meetings they had with the CEO after some of their controversial moments.

“Did you go out to swim at night?” Myungsoo asked to calm him down a bit. It was one thing to be afraid of a conversation with the CEO and entirely another thing to be afraid of being alone with Myungsoo. He hadn’t done anything to draw this reaction from the younger, but Myungsoo didn’t find it in himself to feel anger when his mind was already crowded with feelings of guilt and apprehension.

Sungjong shook his head and hesitantly sat on the other side of the bed the distance between them seeming more than they had felt in a lifetime. The silence was creeping over Myungsoo’s nerves and he knew that if he didn’t say anything quickly he would not be able to say anything at all.

“Sungjong-ah, do you hate me now?”, he asked quietly. Eyes trained on the younger who was simply staring at his, in Myungsoo’s opinion, beautiful hands.

Sungjong looked up in surprise at the sudden question and Myungsoo held his gaze, hoping the other would not avoid it again. As selfish as it sounded, he wanted the truth from the younger even if he himself had not been able to do so initially.

Sungjong simply shook his head again but Myungsoo could see that it was taking a lot of efforts for Sungjong to not break into tears. He had really come to know about the younger a lot in the past year or so.

Myungsoo had prepared himself to ask the next question when Sungjong suddenly broke the silence,

“Was it the management?”

When Myungsoo did nothing but stare at him in confusion Sungjong clarified himself, “Because I got so much hate from Hyung’s fans some time back, I didn’t think it was company’s orders.” And Myungsoo understood now.

He wanted clarification about their closeness during the last year. Myungsoo felt his heart break when he realized that all this time Sungjong must be finding a justification for the events that happened, blaming himself for thinking it was something more than just another set of orders from the higher ups.

It was Myungsoo’s turn to silently answer the question in negative. Myungsoo heard Sungjong take a huge breath and he could tell the even breathing was hard for the younger boy right now.

“I had thought so.” Sungjong continued after he managed to stop his renewed shivering, “It would have been really stupid of management to force us to be close even without the cameras rolling”, he gave a humorless chuckle.

Myungsoo hadn’t imagined that Sungjong would be the one leading this conversation, but he had difficulty in producing any sound anyways, so he let silence be his answer.

Sungjong looked away from him again, training his eyes on the floor of the hotel room.

“When I went on variety shows”, Sungjong started to talk again just as the silence was becoming unbearable, “I got calls from some seniors”, he said almost conversationally. Like he was regaling Myungsoo with some harmless anecdote. It was just the quivering soft voice that gave away that for the younger this had been something significant.

Myungsoo was surprised at this sudden turn of the conversation. Sungjong was a hit at variety shows so it was not a surprise that some people had noticed him. He wondered why they would contact Sungjong specially though and he was more than a little worried that the younger member had hidden this from him so far.

“Don’t worry… it wasn't anything harmful.” As usual Sungjong knew just what he was thinking when both of them were in the same conversation, “In fact, they tried to help me.” He chuckled self-deprecatingly. “They had warned me that the worst thing I could do to myself was fall for one of my members”

Myungsoo felt a mild pang in his chest as some of his fears were fi