Bittersweet Dream

Kim Seungmin slammed the locker shut as flashbacks of his sickening smile reappeared in her head. She looked down at her baby pink shoes and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Life wasn't that bad. Seungmin was just exaggerating, and she knew it.

But maybe it was pretty bad as she felt someone swing their arm over her shoulder and give her a comforting smile. "Hey, you'll be okay."

Gosh, but Jisung always said that and most of the time she was wrong. Seungmin knew Jisung was just trying to be supportive, but it wasn't helping, because they both knew she wasn't going to be okay. 

Seungmin's lips formed a thin line as she nodded in determination. Even if she knew Jisung was lying, it gave her the tiniest bit of hope ad confidence that she might end up okay. 

It was tough, but as long as Seungmin kept her morals and dreams straight, she'd be okay.

At least that's what Jisung always said. She said that a lot these days. Sometimes even at what seemed like unnecessary moments. It wasn't like Seungmin's heart hurt every time she saw him, it was only sometimes, when she didn't understand how to feel about the situation. It seemed like Jisung could understand Seungmin's heart better than she did at times.

That's exactly how Jisung managed to pull Seungmin out every afternoon and towards the skate park. Tossing her sunny yellow roller blades towards her and telling her that it'll be okay.

That's exactly how Seungmin found herself getting up from the bench once again today, shoving her roller blades on, and setting herself free and spreading her wings. It was still her dream, even if the one who gave her the dream had faltered away. Seungmin was going to make it. She was going to turn 19 soon and finally she was allowed to join the annual Seoul rollerblading competition. Since she was a little girl she watched the competition every year with an admiration. Seungmin wanted to feel the victory and joy that those older than her always felt after getting first place.

It was a dream that she didn't think would come to true until she found the little boy who smiled at her, telling her it was okay for her to try his roller blades on. He told her that it was okay to dream any dream despite what others say. He's the one who would hold her tiny hand in his every time she fell, telling her that it was okay to get hurt.

While Seungmin spread her wings throughout the park, she noticed that that boy was no longer holding her hands. She frowned as it seemed like he had moved on. Holding onto another girl today, giggling with her, bonding with her. Gosh, Seungmin didn't want to be upset, but he had ruined her dream. He lied to her. Told her that he'd wait until she turned 19 so that they could join the competition together and win that trophy together. 

So where was he now? A few months away from her birthday, leaving her to dream all alone. Seungmin should have been okay with it, this wasn't the first time he left her. It had happened many times before and Seungmin was tired of believing him every single time. But this was different, she wasn't going to fall again. Even if it was the hardest thing in the world, Seungmin wouldn't fall into his trap.

Yet how was she supposed to hold her heart back when her ex best friend and ex lover gave her a sweet smile when she bladed by him. How was she not supposed to fall for Minho when all the sugary words he had said to her were still stuck in her head.

It's not that Minho was a bad guy. In fact, he was one of the most precious boy Seungmin had met in her life. He had a gummy smile and honeyed tongue that only knew how to spill lovely words. Minho's eyes had this special shine to them, one that called Seungmin and pulled her closer. Maybe that's the reason she grabbed his hand when she was just a young girl, trusting him with what seemed like her everything.

Maybe that's also the reason why she jumped into his arms the moment he confessed his love for her a few years. It might be the reason why she cried in his arms until the second he headed towards the line at the airport two years ago.

Seungmin figured all of this was his fault. If Minho wasn't so lovable, then Seungmin wouldn't have to face all of this alone. Because a few months after Minho left the country for university, he stopped talking to Seungmin. Stopped texting her that often and face timing her every night to tell her to sleep. He stopped calling her baby and darling and all the charming would say. Minho stopped teasing her about how the sunny yellow color of her skates was babyish, although they both knew he purposely picked the color for her, knowing she looks best in it. 

Minho simply stopped everything with Seungmin, and it hurt a lot. Because if he didn't love her in that way anymore then he didn't have to end their years long friendship. He didn't have to drop her in a way that crushed every dream the two of them made together. 

Seungmin had tried not to be upset about it or blame him. Yet she was really upset. She couldn't forget all the pinky promises and small arguments the two of them got into. Eventually, after a year of being in pain, Seungmin kind of fell out of love with Minho. She forgot him thankfully. 

Now it had been two years since Minho left and Seungmin was close to graduating grade twelve, when he came back for spring and summer. Naturally Seungmin was planning on ignoring him just as usual, but her friends boyfriend, Chan, was best friends with Minho, so unfortunately she spent a lot of time around him. 

Seungmin tried not to say anything that would upset herself, but Jisung kept saying all these things, knowing Seungmin's heart a little too well. Being Seungmin's best friend, she didn't want Seungmin to give up on her dream despite what Minho had done.

That's exactly how Seungmin managed to pass by Minho teaching his new girlfriend rollerblading every afternoon. It was honestly harsh and painful for her, yet she tried to cover it up.

After all nothing came between her and her dream. That's exactly what she thought a few days later as she stared at the sign promoting the annual rollerblading competition. Even if Minho changed, Seungmin couldn't change. 

She was determined now. This was her dream, her passion and ambition. This was the thing she missed the most when Minho left. This was the one thing Seungmin gave up so many other things for. She was going to do it, even if she had to do it alone.

Seungmin was strong and she had to prove it to herself. Even as she watched Minho slowly give up his dreams, she kept a strong heart. Just because Minho introduced this dream to her that didn't mean he had to keep that dream forever. Maybe Seungmin was simply childish and Minho had matured too fast. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Maybe Minho had changed after all. Maybe he wasn't the same boy she knew in the past.

That's all she thought about these days as she stared out the window during class, not paying attention to anything her history teacher was saying. Watching the blossoms fall from the tree in the spring breeze, thinking about how 13 years ago during this season she met Minho. Thinking about how her heart began beating so fast the moment she noticed she was in love with her childhood friend. Thinking about how he would kiss her lips and how it would taste like honey.

Seungmin didn't know how she fell out of love, she simply liked to believe that she was stronger than whatever people said. Even if Felix told her that it was impossible to fall out of love, Seungmin wouldn't let her heart beat for him again.

Yet it happened slowly and softly, yet surely, her heart was beating as he stood beside her locker that day after school. Her plan was to quickly put away her shoes, grab her roller blades, then head towards the rink for some extra practice today. Yet it seemed Minho was standing in her way. 

The locker hall was quiet as she approached him and he looked up from his phone. He observed her for a moment and she didn't understand what he was staring at. She was the exact same girl from years ago, he was the one who had changed. 

"Oh Seungmin," he mumbled her name and she didn't want to admit that she was addicted to the way he said it. "Chan asked me to come get Felix, do you know where she is?"

Seungmin simply shrugged, not trying to create conversation. Her heart was beating and this uneasy sickness was filling in her stomach because of him. She began unlocking her locker as he still stood there, too awfully close to her and not moving away. Gosh, did he have no shame messing with Seungmin's heart this way?

"Oh, I guess I'll just wait here then."

Seungmin nodded to this and continued unlocking her locker. She took out her sunny yellow roller blades, somewhat embarrassed to have them in front of him. From the corner of her eyes she could see a charming smile beginning to form on his lips. "You still have them in yellow? The ones I got for you?" His smile slowly grew brighter.

Seungmin didn't want to admit that yes, she still had the ones he got her. It was hard to lie, loved these roller blades, they'd been with her through all her hardships, unlike Minho. Truly, Seungmin had learned to love rollerblading more than she ever loved Minho. When Minho gave her pain, she simply ran out and roller bladed till her feet were numb. It gave her comfort when someone like Minho hurt her.

Why was Minho so happy about her having these? It's not like he still had her. They were nothing, right? Seungmin didn't want all of this being thrown back at her when she worked so damn hard to get rid of those feelings. 

So she shrugged