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HARBOREDyou have stood in front of your door for an unreasonable time now, hand hovered over the passcode panel.
you're internally freaking out knowing a certain someone is already inside, waiting for you to come in.
"pull yourself together. pull. yourself. together." you rubbed your face with your palms.
you took another deep breath in and let out a loud exhale before typing in the passcode and turning the doorknob open.
you spotted her standing in your living room, sporting a casual look: denim skirt matched with a black shirt and a gray blazer over it.
damn. why were you blessed with such a beautiful sight this morning?
"hey." joohyun looked at you, her long black hair moving along.
you turned your eyes away from the beautiful sight, shrugging out of your coat.
"hi, unnie. sorry about this morning. some friends called me last night to hang out after dinner."
"some friends... does that include the special friend you mentioned last night?"
you were about to hang your coat on the rack, but you stopped midway. "yes. i was with her and two other friends from the theater." you hang the coat then turned to her. "why?"
you noticed how joohyun's eyeing you intently, particularly your neck area, maybe looking for marks or something. she shook her head when she found none.
"nothing. just... asking."
"how about you and..." you couldn't finish the sentence, not wanting to mention her girlfriend's name. "did you guys went out somewhere else or..."
"we went straight back to the hotel room." she turned to your bookshelf, gliding her fingers along the books. "we were busy the whole morning meeting her family. we're too tired to even hang out after the dinner with you."
you nodded, relieved. too tired could mean sleeping right away and no more bedroom activities for them, right?
"i didn't know you're still keeping this," said joohyun.
you pressed your lips together, bringing your focus to what joohyun is holding. it was the picture frame of you together way back in college, the one heechul took.
it was perfectly taken. your arm was draped around joohyun's shoulders while her head was comfortably leaning on your shoulder. both of you looked so happy.
"ah. that." you smiled. "how could i not keep it? i don't have the heart to throw away something as beautiful as that."
joohyun looked at you, finally smiling. "we're sweet here, weren't we?"
"yes. like a married couple." you chuckled.
joohyun hummed, eyeing the picture one last time before putting it back. "you looked young here."
you walked around the room, throwing your bag on the couch. "i was only nineteen at that time, unnie. i'm twenty-three now in case you've forgotten."
"of course i won't forget something like that." joohyun crossed her arms on her chest. "i used to look at you as someone younger than i am. now it's not like that anymore. you're all grown up and probably more experienced than i am."
you raised an eyebrow at the word 'experienced'. not the topic you'd want to jump into yet. you went to your kitchen instead and opened the fridge.
"have you had breakfast yet?"
"i was hoping i could have some with you," she said, her voice in a different area now of your apartment. "amber left early due to the long drive for their activity."
there was a slight pinch in your heart hearing her mention her girlfriend's name. you cleared your throat.
"perfect. i haven't had mine either. are bacon, eggs, and toasted bread fine with you?"
"american breakfast, huh? sure. i love my bacon crispy though."
"same here." you stooped down to get the goods from the fridge. "okay! one american breakfast coming for my favorite unnie!"
joohyun chuckled. "gosh. now you're making me realize how much i've missed you."
you got up with the goods in your arms, kicking the fridge close. "ooh. so, does that mean you realized it just now? i'm hurt, unnie."
joohyun grinned as she watches you put down the bacon and eggs on the counter.
"oh, you big bear. of course, i miss you all the time. you have no idea. that's why i'm here today. i want to make it up to you."
"make it up to me?"
"well... we haven't seen each other for a year, and last night we were with am. i was kind of hoping to spend alone time with you today."
'am'. nice nickname, you thought.
but this isn't the right time to get jealous. joohyun has already told you she wants to spend time with you today. why is she doing that? why is she making you feel like you're important again?
maybe that's the reason you're having a hard time letting her go because she wouldn't let go of you either. there's this force, a strong force you can't even explain yourself. a force that pulls her back to you no matter where she goes, no matter who her partner is. and it's the same force that keeps you from being truly happy with your past relationships.
it's the same force that keeps you holding on for years.
eleven friggin years now.
maybe you should let it all out now. let her know. you've already suffered for long enough. maybe this time you'll do yourself a favor by finding the courage to tell her about it.
if you can find the courage to tell her about it.
"please stop looking at me like that..." said joohyun shyly.
you blinked, not realizing you're already staring at the older woman to make her blush. you looked down and cracked one of the eggs on the side of the bowl.
"sorry. i didn't notice i was staring. but you're not obliged to do that, unnie. i understand."
"you understand what?"
"i understand if you've been a little off with me lately." you threw the cracked eggshells in the bin to avoid her gaze. "i know it's not easy to juggle time between your girlfriend and your girl best friend. i'm even surprised amber is comfortable you are spending time with me after what i told you guys last night."
"why would she be uncomfortable if i spend time with you?"
"well, because i told her i date girls too?" you beat another egg in the bowl. "that means competition, right? like having a boy best friend and a boyfriend."
"is that how jisoo saw me before, a competition?"
"you could say that."
she walked over to the counter and propped her arms on the granite top. "can't blame her, can we?"
"ooh. someone's conceited." you smirked. "did you know she broke up with me the night you had dinner with us?"
joohyun brought her hands to . "she did? gosh. i'm sorry."
"it's okay. that was a long time ago."
"i felt something was going on with the two of you, but i didn't care. i hope i didn't cause much trouble to your other relationships like what happened with jisoo."
"well, sorry to burst your bubble. but it's not just jisoo. all my exes saw you as a threat."
"all your exes?" joohyun straightened herself up. "wait. how many exes are we talking about here?"
you turned to the stove to heat the pan. "umm. are you asking about the official ones only?"
joohyun stomped. "seulgi! are you saying you've had that number of relationships and hid them all from me???"
you spared joohyun a playful smirk before laying the strips of the bacon on the pan. "don't worry. they're not many as yours."
"seulgi, i'm serious!"
you laughed. "i had a few. the others were all potential lovers that didn't work out because they were all having a thing with our closeness."
"and... those were all women, right...?"
"yup."
"why didn't you tell me about them?"
"i was afraid you'd avoid me." you turned each slice of the bacon with a tong before glancing at joohyun. "you always seemed straight as a ruler to me. and even with amber around, i still don't classify you as... as someone like me..."
joohyun stood there in silence. you can feel she's observing you.
"i even thought you'd be awkward with me after what i told you last night," you admitted, your back turned to her. "that's why i got surprised when you called earlier. i may not look like it, but i'm happy you came over here today."
there was no word from joohyun. the sound of the bacon sizzling filling your room.
you can't blame her for being silent. you're pouring your heart out now. maybe not entirely, but still, you're true to her now. and if she decides to avoid you after this, then there's nothing else you can do.
you heard her move, her footsteps nearing. seconds after, you felt her presence behind you.
she wrapped her arms around your waist and pressed her cheek against your back.
"i could never find the courage to avoid you, seulgi. please remember that."
you looked down at your waist and held her arm. "thank you, unnie."
joohyun tightened her hug around you. "gosh. i missed you. really."
"not getting enough hugs from your girlfriend?" you rechecked the bacon.
you felt her shaking her head. "it's not that. it's just that your hug feels different to me."
"how so?"
"i don't know. i feel safe. and it makes me feel sleepy," she whispered, leaning her weight on you and slightly rocking your bodies left and right.
"i'm glad i still have that effect on you."
joohyun hummed. you can already imagine her peaceful face with her eyes closed. "your hug feels like home."
you smiled. you turned your head aside so you can look at her over your shoulder.
"welcome home, unnie."
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