problems
HARBORED"... maybe all this time i have been in love with you too."
you stared down at your clasped hands, not sure if you should feel happy or not. this is what you've wanted to hear from joohyun ever since, but the hesitation in her voice is making you feel uneasy.
"i'm sorry..." said joohyun, your hand with her thumb. "i'm sorry for walking away last time. i got scared."
you shook your head. "it's okay. i understand. that's a lot to take in."
"it was. but i'm still scared..."
"scared of?"
"of this. of us. of you."
"i've no plans of hurting you, hyun," you said, making joohyun blush. "i promise to take care of you if you give me a chance..."
"i know. i know." joohyun held your hand with both her hands this time. "it will be a lie to say i never felt something for you. i always have. always did. but i wasn't brave enough to face it, let alone acknowledge it. that's why i keep entertaining new suitors, hoping i could brush the feeling off."
"brush the feeling off? why are you doing that?"
"i don't know. i guess i'm not sure of myself. you know how i am with relationships, right?" joohyun looked up at you. "i tend to mess everything up. i easily change my mind. i easily lose interest. that's why whenever i feel the urge to be with you, i keep telling myself i can't. i shouldn't. you're different from everyone. you're so special to me. i cannot afford to mess up what we have only because i want more. that's selfish of me."
"are you scared you're going to hurt me?"
joohyun nodded. "i'm also scared you'll leave me after you got tired of me. it'll be too much for me to take. i've never been close to anyone the way i have been close to you. i have never been as open to anyone as i've been with you. and because of that, i thought it's better if we stay as friends rather than cross the line and ruin everything.
"what happened last time--the kiss--it was me surrendering to my feelings," she added. "i regret it because i thought i'll lose you after. i don't want you to hate me for being such a mess."
"you're not a mess. and if i wasn't serious about you, then i should have left a long time ago," you said. "but i didn't. i stayed with you, bearing the pain on my own. did you seriously think i still have the courage to leave you even after all these years?"
joohyun stayed silent, then suddenly she's sniffing again. "but last time you told me to stay away from you. isn't that just the same?"
you melted at that. "i'm sorry. i got hurt. i was fed up. i mean, i saw a chance in us but you snatched that hope from me by saying you want us to forget what happened." you shook your head. "i'm sorry if i pushed you away."
"i'm sorry too. i'm such a coward."
"hey. hey. it's okay." you cupped her cheeks. "what happened before doesn't matter anymore. you're here with me now. that's what is important."
joohyun stared at you for a good number of seconds before saying, "but i'm not ready for this yet..."
"w-what do you mean?"
you were about to retract your hand from her face, but she held them still. "i want you by my side. i'm sure of that. i don't want to share you with anyone else--i'm sure of that as well. but everything is too much for me to take in right now. i'm scared of doing this with you. at the same time, i don't want to lose you either. i just..." she trailed off.
"hey. it's okay. tell me, what do you want me to do?"
"i know this will sound weird but... i want you to give me some time to process everything..."
"time..." you nodded slowly, taking it in.
"please don't think i am rejecting you again," said joohyun, quickly.
you smiled. "i understand. it's still better than a no, right?"
joohyun smiled back. "give me a bit of time to wrap my head around this. i know it may sound absurd, but can we take things a bit slow?"
"not a problem. we'll take it at your phase. i won't force you into anything. knowing you are feeling that way is enough for me." you're feeling too delighted at the moment. your eyes started warming up. you rubbed them with the heel of your hands.
"what's wrong?" she asked.
"i'm just... happy..." you said, still rubbing your eyes. "you have no idea how long i've waited for this."
"oh, my ddeulgi." joohyun wrapped her arms around you and pulled you into a hug.
it was heaven--joohyun hugging you. her softness calmed your mood. you started asking yourself if you're dreaming or not.
"is this real?" you asked her.
"this is real. i can assure you that."
like a lost kid who finally found her way home, you buried your face into joohyun's neck, surrendering yourself to her comfort.
"i'm not going anywhere, seul. i promise you that," said joohyun, patting your back. "there will be no one else either. it's just you and me from now on."
---
"so, you're not officially together yet?"
"nope."
"but you're not allowed to date anyone, right?"
you flipped the script's page your holding. "yup, you got that right, wannie."
"so, what's your setup?"
"i dunno. i guess we're in between?"
"in between... like best friends?"
you shrugged.
seungwan grabbed a stool from the area, sat in front of you, and started singing, "~~if you really want me, give me some time. don't call me baby not before i'm ready~~."
"yah! i'd rather have her in this way than seeing her date somebody else. at least she finally made it clear she wants me."
seungwan chuckled. "i'm just teasing you, okay? but i am happy for you. i'm your number one shipper, in case you haven't noticed. as for unnie, well, at least she's finally going out of her comfort zone. she even took the courage to come to you first even you haven't spoken to each other for weeks."
"it's because you scared her."
"wasn't my intention. i was only telling the truth. i'm glad it helped her realize how much you mean to her."
"thanks, wannie."
"so, how are you feeling with this setup she wants?"
"i'm fine with it." you put the script down. "we've been like this ever since. at least now she has established something between us--something much clearer than our set up before."
"yeah. give her some time. you mean a lot to her, you know," said seungwan sincerely. "wait. isn't she supposed to be back in the states by now?"
you shook your head. "she requested to be transferred back here permanently. the bosses agreed since it's still cheaper to have her here than pay for her rent over there. her training is completed anyway."
"that's great. but where is she staying here in the city?"
you smirked. "where else?"
seungwan's jaw dropped. "with you???"
you laughed. "yes, with me! she's supposed to start working next monday. but the notice was given late. she doesn't have enough time to look for a new apartment. i offered her to stay with me."
"and she said yes?"
"with flying colors."
"and here i was thinking you're taking things slow."
"we are!" you responded with a laugh. "we've always been sleeping in together since we were kids. this isn't anything new."
"but things are different between the two of you now. do you think you can control yourself around her?"
"i gave her my word, wannie. we're going to take it at her phase. so, yes, i can control myself."
seungwan gave you a knowing look. "are you sure?"
"y-yeah. i'm sure."
"if you say so. when is she moving in?"
"tomorrow afternoon."
the director called out, and it's seungwan's turn to practice. she got to her feet and tapped your shoulder.
"then i wish you luck, seulgi."
---
you really need that good luck wish right now.
because seriously, you're close to losing your sanity.
you and joohyun just finished fitting her stuff inside your apartment. and since you started moving things in your room, it escalated to arranging the whole apartment according to joohyun's preference. you don't mind if she had flipped your flat upside down. what's important is she'll be living with you.
just like she said, it's just you and her from now on.
however, as you stand there in your living room watching joohyun savor the glass of water in your kitchen, you can't help but ask yourself if you can control yourself for long.
she's standing near the fridge, one hand on the kitchen counter and the other on the glass. her head is slightly tilted up. you watch how moves as she gulps the water down. then your eyes traveled to her milky white neck, then to her jacket that is pulled down on one side, exposing her left shoulder.
you gulped.
if you will be exposed to something like this every day, you're not sure how long you can stay as a good girl joohyun expects you to be.
there's no way it's going to be easy. seriously.
"seulgi!"
you blinked at joohyun. "yeah?"
"are you alright? i've asked you if you want a glass of water."
"oh." you blinked again. "yes, please."
"you sure you're okay? you looked like you're thinking of something deep earlier."
"yeah. it's just something about work. i, uh, i seemed to have forgotten one of my lines."
joohyun chuckled. "what? you're still thinking of your lines even you're at home?"
you scratched your head. "i can't help it."
joohyun filled the glass with water and walked up to you. "let's grab some dinner first and rest. you're tired. you need some good night's sleep."
you downed the glass in one go and handed it back to joohyun. "you can take my room. i'll settle for the couch later."
"no. who says you're sleeping on the couch?"
"uh--"
"it's either you sleep with me in your room, or i'll take the couch, seulgi. this is your apartment. i won't let you sleep outside."
you gulped again. sleep with her? yeah. you'd love to do that.
"seulgi, you're zoning out again!"
you ran your hand over your face. "i'm sorry. yeah, sure. let's share the bed. it's too big for me, anyway."
joohyun smiled. she walked back to the kitchen.
you sighed. now that you've got joohyun beside you, you've got a new set of problems to face.
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