silence
HARBOREDit's been a week now since you've last talked to joohyun. this is the first time you've ignored each other for this long in the course of your friendship.
it will be a lie to say you don't keep track of the days. it will be a bigger lie to say you're not hoping she'll message you--to update you with what's happening to her--like how she does before.
but why would she do that if you're the one who told her to leave you alone?
you found out from your mom that joohyun paid a visit to your house to hand over some souvenirs. she joined your parents for dinner. your mom asked you to come home even for a day or two because she missed seeing you and joohyun together. you declined, saying you have a show coming up.
you also found out from your mom that joohyun went back alone--no american friend that goes by the name of amber. you told your mom about amber. she is shocked to find out joohyun is dating a woman. not because she's against it--she already knows about you--but because she's been rooting for you and joohyun ever since you came out to her last year when joohyun left for the states, and you tried dating other women. she always suspected you have affection for joohyun, but you never admitted it because you're sure she'll tell joohyun's mom about it.
based on your mom's stories, joohyun never told them about the issue between the two of you.
you're staring at your phone again, thinking if you should message her. but what for? this is what you wanted, right? you need to bear the pain a little more, and for sure, you'll soon be back on your feet.
just a little more.
---
another week passed, still not a single message from each of you.
the shows were perfect distractions. luckily, your purple nose healed fast. you spent days performing and nights hanging out and celebrating with your colleagues.
you wish you know what's happening to joohyun or what she's been up to. you don't even know the reason she went back home alone. did she and amber break up? and how is she taking it?
you don't know anymore how long you should keep holding yourself back from contacting her.
because if you cross that line again, you're afraid you'll go back to square one.
---
"what? you're taking a break from performing?" you asked, settling down a bottle of beer on your coffee table, your other hand already holding one.
sunmi sipped from the bottle. "yup. you heard that correct."
"why? you love the stage."
"i do. but i need to help my dad with the family business. my brother likes to volunteer, but we want him to focus on his studies."
"you sure you want to do this? i mean, would you be happy?"
"i need this," said sunmi, tilting the bottle on the coffee table. "it's not only because i want to help dad, but because i don't feel like i'm moving on. there are lots of memories in this city, in my apartment, even at work. it's not helping me. i want to take a break from performing because i want to get away from here."
you stayed rooted on the ground as you stare at sunmi, who looked like she really needs a break. you fully know how much her recent failed relationship has affected her emotionally, physically, and mentally.
"maybe you're right. you need to watch out for your health too. you're getting skinnier," you said.
"it's not just that. i want to take a break from you too."
you felt a very slight pinch in your chest, which you covered with a hearty chuckle.
"wow. i'm getting rejected twice in three weeks. this is amazing."
sunmi chuckled. "you know it's not working out for us. you know that deep down inside you. we're only using each other, but neither of us is recovering. this isn't what we need. what we need is to fix ourselves on our own so we can function again."
you nodded, mentally agreeing to sunmi. you took a sip of your beer and paced to the other side of the room, getting a glimpse of the picture frame of you and joohyun on the bookshelf.
"you haven't heard from her yet?" asked sunmi.
you shook your head. "i think she's giving me space because i asked for it."
sunmi stood up and walked up to you. "i see she's taking her time to sort out her feelings for you, huh?"
"sort out her feelings? i believe i already told you she made it clear last time."
"c'mon, seulgi, don't be so dense. out of all your friends from the theater, why do you think she's only jealous of me?"
you spent a few seconds thinking of an answer. "umm. because you're the prettiest?"
sunmi laughed. "you know that's a big lie."
you stared at sunmi, still confused.
"you, silly bear." sunmi turned away to sit back on the couch. "she's jealous because she sees me as a competition. she feels something for you, don't you still get it?"
this isn't the first time you heard this kind of theory. first from your exes, then from seungwan, another from yerim, and now from sunmi. you don't understand why these people kept saying the same things when joohyun herself has already denied it.
you took another gulp from your bottle. "i don't know..."
"i know it's hard to believe. but i know love when i see one. and this friend of yours, she has that look on her face," said sunmi. "i don't know if she's also as dense as you are--which i think not--or if she's holding herself back from something. i can't say. all i know is you mean a lot to her, more than you'll ever know, or more than she's told you so."
"if... if what you're saying is true, then why hasn't she contacted me yet?"
"let me ask you the same question; why aren't you reaching out to her?"
"because i don't know what to say." you shrugged. "i don't know how she'll react. i don't want to get pushed away again."
"then there's your answer." sunmi spread her arms wide. "maybe she's thinking of the same thing. you pushed her away the last time you talked, remember? then you left the villa without letting her know. it screams, 'stay the away from me, '. you've hurt her too. maybe she's scared of hurting you again, that's why she's not making any move."
you blinked, realizing sunmi could be right. "are you saying i should reach out to her now?"
"i'm not saying it's the right solution. but if i were you, instead of going crazy here thinking why isn't she messaging or calling, i'll reach out first and find the answer myself."
"and what if i get the same result as last time?"
"then at least you got the answers you were looking for."
you finally let out a smile. "you're one of the best, sunmi."
sunmi sighed. "what would you do without me?"
---
"so, i guess i'll see you around?" sunmi tapped your back lightly.
you pulled away from the hug. "when do you think you'd come back?"
"can't say yet. but i'll make sure the next time you'll see me, i'm already over the drama."
"i'm looking forward to it."
sunmi smiled. "thank you, seulgi, for the company and everything."
"likewise. i wouldn't be able to get through those times without your help."
"same here. i'll surely miss you."
"i'll miss you too. it's hard to see one of our best performers go away."
"you guys will be fine." she turned to the door. "i'll go ahead."
"wait. let me at least walk you to the elevator."
you opened the door, letting sunmi step out first. the moment the door latched, you noticed how sunmi abruptly stopped in her tracks.
that caught your attention, so you looked up.
sunmi is looking at someone standing at the end of the hallway--someone you can't see as the view is getting blocked by sunmi's back. you had to crane your neck to the side, only to see a person in black pants and blouse reflecting the shocked expression you have on your face now.
it was joohyun.
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