purple
HARBORED"i... i have been in love with you for years."
joohyun stood there in silence, staring at you, ajar.
this isn't going well; you know that deep down inside you. your heart won't stop pounding hard in your chest to the point you can feel shortness in your breathing.
you're going to lose this game--you know it. but there are no other options for you to choose now, so you decide to push forward.
"please say something," you said, getting more nervous.
"say something?" joohyun asked. "i told you to stop, right?"
"why?"
"because you shouldn't... because i'm your best friend... and now you can't take that back anymore..."
you narrowed your eyes, not getting the point. "did you seriously think we could go back to how we were after we kissed? like, pretend it didn't happen?"
there was an awful silence before joohyun replied, "i don't want to ruin our friendship, seul."
"then why did you let me kiss you? why did you make me feel you wanted it too?"
"because i did want it at that moment, okay? i won't lie about that. i wanted it as much as you did," admitted joohyun. "but as i've told you, it was a mistake. i got carried away. we got carried away. we shouldn't have done that."
"so, it was like just a spur of the moment to you, huh? no attachment or what. like a sort of fling?"
"you know that's not what it is. i won't do something like that, especially to you."
"then why did you still do it? why did you give me all those signs?" you asked. joohyun shook her head at you. "did it occur to you maybe you feel the same way about me?"
"i have a girlfriend!"
"i am very much aware of that. thanks for reminding me."
joohyun ran her hands over her face. "seulgi..."
"do you love her?"
"that's not the point here."
"then what's the point?"
"maybe... maybe you're confused? i mean, we've been close ever since. and you could be misinterpreting your affection towards me as romantic, but it could be not."
"confused? me?" you let out a dry laugh. "i've been harboring these feelings for eleven years now, joohyun. eleven long years. i could not be just confused."
"eleven years? are you serious?"
"i wish i wasn't serious. but i am. and it . i couldn't tell you because i was afraid you'd avoid me. i couldn't tell you because i don't want to lose you."
"then why tell me now? why just now?"
"because i can't take this anymore." you looked away with a sigh as you pinch your nose. "it's killing me. i don't know what to do with myself or what i need to do with you. i tried getting into relationships, but all i think about is you. i tried avoiding you, but you keep reappearing in my life. i've tried ignoring you, but you keep coming back to me.
"do you know how many times i've tried to forget you?" you continued, looking at her. "i tried so hard, but with just one pull of the leash, i'm like a puppy who's always excited to meet its master even if the master had hurt her before. i'm such a mess."
joohyun looked away and took in a deep breath. she shook her head.
"i... i care about you, seul, but... but not in this way..." she said, her voice breaking. "i'm sorry..."
you swallowed a lump in your throat, trying your best not to cry. no, not in front of her. you've already embarrassed yourself too much. you won't give her that much credit.
"i understand. thanks for letting me know," you said.
"but i don't want to lose you," she said, somewhat pleading. "you're the only one i have. you're the only one who stayed despite everything. if there's a way we can still fix this, let me know. i'm willing to do it for you. i just... you're my best friend, seul..."
you shook your head. "i'm sorry. i can't be your friend anymore."
joohyun's face fell. "why?"
"i love you, don't you still get that?" you said. "i love you so much that being friends with you is not enough. i will always want more. i will always expect more. and it's not healthy because i keep getting hurt."
"i'm sorry... i'm sorry..." she cast her eyes down and covered her face with her palms.
"you don't have to feel sorry. it isn't your fault." you looked away. "i don't want to force you into things. i wish i could stay, but i don't want to hurt anymore. this has been going on for so long now. i'm afraid if i keep everything inside, i may end up hating you."
"seulgi--"
"i'm sorry. please leave me alone for now." you felt a clog building up inside your nose. you wiped it with your hand only to see blood in your finger.
".
joohyun was about to walk up to you, but you stopped her.
"i'm fine. please leave me alone for now."
"but, seul--"
"i said i'm fine. stop acting like that towards me. your kind gestures are hurting me more."
joohyun stepped backward, looking hurt.
you turned your back at her, trying to hide your already teary eyes. "please go."
there were no movements for a little while, no words either. then you heard her feet shuffle, turning towards the door.
you finally broke down after you heard the door shut.
---
"hi, seungwan. could you please check on seulgi for me? i think she went back home without letting us know. i'll explain everything to you soon. but please don't tell her about this," said seungwan, reading joohyun's message. she looked at your lying figure on your couch. "so, what happened? and why do you have a blue nose?"
"it's purple, not blue," you grunted. "what time did she message you? i assume she and amber are already on the train going back to our hometown."
"umm. she sent the message two hours ago."
"and what did you say?"
"told her i'll check on you. i even told her you're back here in your apartment safe and sound, with a bruised nose. she said thanks." seungwan settled herself on the couch next to you. "did you two fight?"
"it's not a fight. it's more of me bursting out all the feelings i've bottled up for years."
"oh. so you finally confessed."
"weren't planning on doing that." you brought your arm to your forehead. "but i didn't like it when she tried avoiding the topic of us kissing the other night. it triggered something inside me, and everything flowed out. i knew she's going to say no, wannie, but i pushed it."
"oh. so, she said no..."
"she said she cares for me but not in the same way i feel for her."
"that's sad. i'm sorry."
"she said she doesn't want to lose me, and that i'm the only one she's got. but i can't take it anymore. i told her we couldn't be friends anymore. i think i broke her because of that."
"do you regret confessing?"
"i don't. but i regret hurting her. i can still remember the look on her face. she looked so confused, like she's torn between the idea of wanting to still keep me beside her--to salvage the friendship--and wanting to stop hurting me."
"then why did you leave the villa without telling them?"
"i can't face them anymore after what happened. i think i deserve more beating than what amber gave me this morning. i kissed her girlfriend the other night, and this morning i confessed to her. amber should break my nose for real this time." you chuckled.
"oh. so she was the reason for the blue nose."
"purple."
"fine."
you rolled to your side, hiding your face in the plush pillow. "i don't know anymore, wannie."
you felt a tap on your leg, then seungwan's voice followed, "hey, it's gonna be fine. you need time. joohyun unnie needs time too. i honestly think you two can still patch things up. it may not be as lovers but as friends. it may not be anytime soon, but i'll know it'll come. that's eleven years of friendship. i think you two won't be able to throw away something as special as that."
you turned around to look at seungwan. "if that time comes, it only means i'm over her, right?"
"yeah. and now you've let that out of you, you can start moving on."
despite feeling sad, a sudden gleam of hope brought you happiness. "yeah. i can finally start moving on."
seungwan smiled. "i'm glad you finally told her. took you long enough."
you smiled back. "thanks, wannie. you're the best."
"anytime, my blue-nosed friend."
"purple."
"fine, my purple-nosed friend."
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