weird
HARBOREDthe magical feeling you were enjoying ended when the car stopped in front of the hotel.
joohyun gently moved your head away from her shoulder, careful not to wake you up. she borrowed a neck pillow from seungwan and placed it around you. she gave instructions to seungwan on how to handle you--which is weird because she knows it was sunmi who volunteered to bring you to your room.
you stayed still, pretending to be asleep because you know joohyun will insist you go with them.
you've had enough pain tonight. so, you pretend because that's the only escape you could think of.
you pretend it didn't feel cold after joohyun's warmth left your body.
you pretend it didn't hurt when you heard the car door shut behind joohyun and amber.
you pretend you weren't about to cry at the idea that despite being as wasted as amber, joohyun still decided to be with her girlfriend's side. you will never be her priority.
you know it's cowardly of you to do that, but you don't have many options. you need to pretend because once you open your eyes, you know tears will flow out.
---
it was sunmi who assisted you out of the car and into your room. you collapsed on the bed right away. sunmi took off your pants and shirt while you keep telling her not to strip you.
sunmi scolded you, saying she's removing your clothes because they smell of smoke and alcohol. she also mentioned it was joohyun's instructions to make sure you change clothes. but since you are stubborn, sunmi didn't bother doing it.
once done with her mission, sunmi told you she's going home and left.
and now, you're alone in your room, alone on your bed, wearing only your boxers and sports bra. you stared up at the ceiling, thinking what amber and joohyun could be doing at this very moment.
you're thankful you're too drunk to even linger on the thought. within minutes, you were already asleep.
---
you opened your eyes and got a glimpse of the bright morning from your window. you turned aside to glance at your table clock, relieved it's only seven in the morning.
you rubbed your eyes gently. there's this heavy feeling in your head, signaling a headache surging once you stand up. you relaxed your face and massaged your temples, trying to recall what happened last night and how you ended up in your room.
but as much as you want to continue your sleep, you know you need to get up and prepare for your rehearsal. you pushed yourself up and out of bed.
as you were groggily walking into your kitchen, a figure in the living room turned its head at you, making you jump in surprise.
"whoa! what the--" you clutched your heart with a hand, shocked at the presence of another individual in your apartment. "unnie?"
joohyun, who's wearing a simple striped blouse and jeans, sits comfortably on the couch, her leg over the other. she smiled at you, not saying anything at all.
"what are you--how long--h-how did you--"
"i came here to check on you," she said. "i've been here since six-thirty. and in case you've forgotten, the passcode to your door is my birthday."
you opened and closed your mouth, still confused. you looked back at joohyun and noticed her blushing face. her eyes are glued on a specific part of your body--your abdomen.
it was when you followed her line of sight when you realized you're still in your boxers and sports bra.
"oh, gosh! i'm sorry!" you padded across the room towards your drawers and quickly picked an oversized shirt to put on. you went back out and saw joohyun still looking flustered. "sorry, unnie, i didn't realize i was still--"
"it's not your fault. you didn't know i was coming. i informed you though, but i guess you haven't read my message yet."
you glanced at your room, trying to recall where you could have left your phone. you were too drunk last night to even remember if you still have it with you by the time you were home.
"you could have woken me up. you know i won't mind," you said.
"i wanted to but i... i was... i was afraid you might be with someone in your room..."
that information surprised you. "oh. no. i am alone. sunmi unnie went home last night after kicking me to bed."
joohyun's expression softened. but despite the small smile she gave, you can sense something is off with her.
"are you all right?" you asked.
she pressed her lips together. and instead of answering, joohyun hung her head low, shaking her head.
"hey, what's wrong?" you approached, dropping yourself beside her. you noticed the picture frame of you two together sitting on your coffee table now.
joohyun propped her elbows on her knees, her head resting on her palms. "i don't know, seulgi. there's just a lot of things going on my mind."
"did you and amber fought?" you've seen her like this before. it bothers you to know how other people can hurt her while you try your best not to break her even the slightest.
you hate seeing her like this. you wanted to hold her, hoping to make it go away.
joohyun turned to you. "can i get a hug from my bear instead?"
you looked at her, blinking. then you spread your arms. "you need not ask."
joohyun wrapped her arms around your waist, resting her head on your shoulder. you inhaled her scent, and calmness followed along.
if this is the retribution of bearing the pain from last night, you'd be willing to go through it all over again.
you gently placed your arms around her, one hand her arm. "hey. it's gonna be all right..."
joohyun adjusted her position, leaning more of her weight on you. "why are you like this, seul? why are you always sweet and gentle?"
"i believe you're the one who taught me to be like this to you. you've always been a cuddler ever since i met you."
"but are you being like this with your other friends too?"
"you've seen me with wannie. we aren't sweet like this."
"yeah... but seungwan isn't your only friend..."
you creased your forehead. "what do you mean?"
"i just..." joohyun paused and exhaled. "did you ever feel jealous over amber--even a fit of slight jealousy?"
you held your breath for a moment. why is she asking that?
"because i feel jealous of sunmi, and i don't know why," she said sadly, whining like a kid. "it's the same feeling i've had towards jisoo before. i hate feeling like this. i know i'm selfish for wanting you for myself. that's why i wanted to know if ever you felt like that towards my exes or amber."
you secretly feel happy seeing joohyun this jealous. so, you are this important to her.
you her arm again, trying to comfort her. "well, i feel the same way towards amber. don't worry."
joohyun pulled back to look at your face. "you do?"
"a-at times, yes, i admit i feel jealous..." you avoided her eyes. "i think it's a normal reaction since i've been getting your 100% attention when you're single. but now you're in a relationship; it will not always be like that."
that moment, you wanted to tell her the truth about your unrequited feelings for her. but you can't. she's feeling hurt and looks confused. you don't want to mess with her head now, knowing she may not take the truth lightly. so, you told her the words not for yourself but for her to feel better.
joohyun bit her lip and looked down. "so, you felt it too, huh?"
"but sunmi unnie and i aren't together," you said. "there's nothing to be jealous about. i'm still 100% yours."
yeah, as if you've never been hers 100% since the day you met her.
joohyun hid her face in the crook of your neck. "i was really worried about you last night. but a lot is going on. first, amber is being a child. second, you're being a child too, not wanting to sleep in our room. i wanted to look after you, to take care of you, but you don't want me to. and third, i got worried sunmi and you would..."
"we didn't. why would you think of us doing that?"
"i've seen her message, duh. do you want me to remind you what the message was?"
you laughed. "it was a joke."
"yeah. right."
"c'mon, unnie. if it wasn't a joke, she should be here with me now, right?"
joohyun sighed. "you're right. i just can't wrap my head around the idea of you getting intimate with other women. i initially thought i shouldn't be feeling like that. but after finding out you're feeling the same, i felt a little better."
you looked up at the ceiling, cursing yourself for still being a coward. you had your chance today. you know you can use this opportunity to tell her everything. but you can't. you don't want to. how could you, when she's like this to you?
"can i ask for a favor, seulgi?"
"hmm?"
"if... if the time comes you'll fall in love with someone, please introduce her to me. i want to see her face. i want to know her. not as a friend like what you did with jisoo before, but as your girlfriend."
you scoffed inside. how can it be possible when you've been in love with the same girl for almost half of your life.
"i promise i won't around her like what i did before," continued joohyun.
you chuckled. joohyun slapped your leg.
"yah. i'm serious!"
"right. i'm sorry. but i don't have someone right now."
"but you have to promise me."
"that's hard, unnie. i can't be normal like this with you if i have a girlfriend."
"maybe you can find someone who would understand?"
"that's gonna be hard. imagine amber having a best friend like you. would you be all right with that?"
"she has one. i haven't met her though so i can't say yet." joohyun snuggled closer, slinging one of her legs on top of yours as if she's hugging a giant stuffed toy. "so, does that mean i need to make the most out of you while you're single?"
"you will always have a special place in my life, unnie, even if i'm single or not. please remember that."
"same here," said joohyun. "we are so weird, aren't we?"
you chuckled, resting your cheek on the crown of her head. "weird is good."
you heard her smile. "yeah. weird is good."
yup, weird is good because that's the only label you two could put in this strange relationship of yours.
deep down inside, you're wondering how long this weird phase will last.
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