constant
HARBOREDyou have been staring at your phone for two minutes now, eyebrows furrowed.
"why does kang seulgi looks like she's in trouble?"
you glanced up from your phone and saw seungwan approaching, a sandwich in hand.
"joohyun-related problems?" she sat beside you.
you showed her your phone. "unnie messaged me that. i don't know what to respond yet."
seungwan smiled. "i can already imagine her saying that. seulgi-yah..." she tried mimicking joohyun's way of saying it. "it means a favor, right?"
"mm-mm. and you know i can't say no to her."
"i figured." seungwan took a bite of her sandwich.
you pocketed your phone, thinking you'll respond to joohyun later. "they are going back to our hometown in four days. unnie wants me to spend time with her before that. she's probably messaging me now to make sure she locks my schedule after work."
"just you and her?"
"i'll be third-wheeling."
"ouch."
"if only it was easy to avoid her." you shook your head. "either way, i'll get hurt. and it ."
"yeah. i heard from sooyoung about your failed attempt to avoid her yesterday." seungwan chuckled before taking another bite of her sandwich.
"i don't know, wannie," you said after a moment. "i can't read her. and this, whatever we are, i'm getting tired of it now."
"getting tired of pretending she doesn't mean everything to you?"
you smiled, a sad smile. "maybe i'll just blow up one day and tell her about it."
seungwan balled the sandwich wrapper in her palm. "i've known you since high school, seul, and i can say a lot has changed in you since then; physical, emotional, mental--there's too many to mention.
"but there is this one thing that never changed," she continued, glancing at you. "it's joohyun unnie. she's the only constant thing in your life since the day i met you. if you will ask for my opinion, i would say go for it. risk the friendship. cross the line. she needs to know how much you mean to her. she deserves to know someone can love her the way you do."
"and if she won't accept me?"
"then screw it. move on. find another prospect lover. what's important is you get that out of your system. you've been bottling it for so many years now."
silence engulfed the two of you as you watch the other performers having their lunch.
"do you think i'll be able to find someone and love her the way i've loved unnie?" you asked.
seungwan gave you an assuring nod. "i've seen your relationships before. they didn't work out because you keep holding yourself back. you never gave them your whole because you always make sure there's something left for joohyun unnie. you need to let go of that part so you can open up yourself to someone and give them the chance to love you."
you let your brain digest what you heard. you felt hope. seungwan is right; you should let it out of you and accept whatever joohyun's reaction will be. what's important is you free yourself from that.
but losing joohyun completely, is that something you can bear?
a burst of loud laughter coming from sunmi's table caught both of your attention. she's talking to sooyoung, yerim, and the other artists.
"you know what, you and sunmi unnie deserve a relationship more than what you're having now." seungwan propped her elbows on her knees. "i have nothing against what's going on with the two of you. but you and i both know it's not gonna work. this relationship you're having, it's only a temporary solution to both your love problems."
you chuckled. "i don't even know how it started, wannie."
"how long have you two been...?"
"a month. since joohyun unnie mentioned she's coming back here for vacation." you glanced at sunmi. "it usually happens with her or me being drunk, or both of us. you know, it's like we're only calling each other when we're feeling hurt."
seungwan shook her head. "the things you do because of bae joohyun."
you leaned forward, elbows on your knees, and rubbed your face with your hands. "i don't know anymore, wannie. i'm so lost. i'm a mess. this morning, she cooked breakfast for me and made sure i eat something before i leave. why is she doing that? i don't understand how can she care for me and want me around her yet can't see me the way i see her. it just doesn't make sense."
"hey. chill." seungwan tapped your shoulder. "it will all make sense to you soon, but you need to let her know first, seul. let her know and find out the answers. that's the only way to free yourself from her."
you reclined on your chair. "i guess you're right."
"i know how important she is to you, and how important you are to her. but you can't use that as the sole reason to keep hurting yourself. you don't deserve that."
you felt relieved, hearing those comforting words from seungwan. although your relationship with joohyun is masked under the label of the same name--best friends--you know yourself joohyun isn't just a friend to you--neither the best one.
she never was. it's different compared to how you feel towards seungwan whom you consider as your real best friend.
with you and joohyun, she's the one who keeps claiming you as her best friend. she always uses that term to take ownership of you, use it as an excuse to do something for you, and demand something from you. it's not like you didn't want her to be possessive of you, but sometimes you wonder if she's using that as an excuse to cover up something much deeper than friendship.
and there you are, building your hopes again.
you shook your head and turned to your friend. "thanks, wannie, for always being there."
"don't mention it."
"maybe i should date you instead."
seungwan grimaced. "ew. so gross. and you're into older women, in case you haven't noticed."
"eunji is older than us too. don't talk like it's just me."
"fine."
the director called the attention of the people who will be rehearsing for the next scene.
"that's me." you pushed yourself up. "catch you later, wannie. thanks again."
"seulgi," she called. "i don't mean to give you hope, but i think she feels something for you."
you shrugged. you've heard that line before. it usually makes you happy. but right now, it's just like a plain statement with no meaning in it.
"in case you haven't noticed, you're the only constant relationship she had all these years," added seungwan.
and for the first time that day, you felt happy.
---
your phone on the table flashed when a message from sunmi came in.
"are you free tonight? i'm third-wheeling seungwan and eunji and..."
you didn't bother to open the entire message. now is not the right time. you're having dinner with joohyun and amber. you don't want to disrespect them by focusing on your phone.
"so, seulgi, would you like to travel with us next week back to your hometown?" asked amber.
"i'd love to, but i have to pass. it'll be hard for me to skip practice as we have an upcoming show," you said.
"aw. that's bad. joohyun and i were hoping you'd come with us."
"nah. i'll let you two enjoy being alone for a while." you took a sip of the red wine. "i've been third-wheeling since you came here. i'm getting annoyed at your sweetness."
amber laughed. if only she knew that was a half-meant.
"besides, i don't want to steal the show from unnie. it's her first time coming back home after her first out-of-the-country adventure. if i'll go with you, i'm sure her mom would be more thrilled to see me."
"yah!" joohyun frowned, her arm ready to smack you.
"admit it, unnie, your mom loves me more than she loves you."
"seulgi-yah!" this time, joohyun leaned over the table to smack your arm. you keep sniggering until your eyes caught your phone, lighting up again with a new message notification from sunmi.
"i'm actually feeling tonight. wanna play?"
you almost choke, not because of sunmi's message--you've been exchanging lewd messages as a joke since your first night together--but because you noticed how joohyun's eyes shifted from you to your phone when it lit up.
there were a few seconds of dead air before you get the chance to control your limbs. you pocketed your phone swiftly, mentally cursing yourself for leaving it on the table while you're having dinner.
bad manners.
joohyun pulled back to sit again, her face looking slightly awkward. if that was seungwan, you are sure she will tease you. but joohyun didn't say anything, pretending she didn't see anything.
you seriously wish she didn't see anything.
you cleared your throat to take another sip of the red wine. "hmm. this tastes fine, huh?"
"yeah, it complements the meal." amber took a sip from hers too.
"have you guys tried going to the red district in the south? there's a bar there that offers great wine mixes." you twirled your glass.
"red district, huh? have you been there often?" joohyun is looking down at her food, but her voice sounded like she's accusing you.
"no," you said. "we sometimes go there to visit that specific bar. i've never really explored the entire district."
"whoo! c'mon, seulgi. it's just the three of us here." amber draped her arm around joohyun's shoulder. "do you feel shy talking about it because joohyun is here?"
a chuckle escaped your throat. "no. i don't really go there. i mean, what would i do there?"
"pick up girls. hook up. have fun. ow!" said amber. joohyun elbowed her.
"are you saying you're still doing that?" joohyun glared at amber.
"not anymore, babe," admitted amber while she covers herself from possible attacks from her girlfriend. "but i won't deny my friends and i had tried that before when i was still single and bored."
"aish. you're disgusting." joohyun rolled her eyes. "i can't imagine how you can do something like that with a random stranger."
"well..." amber looked at you as if asking for your help.
"i, uh, i haven't really done that," you said.
"you mean you never had ?"
joohyun eyed you, and you felt your face warming up.
"uh. no. not that. what i meant is i've never tried doing it randomly, like hooking up with someone i met for the first time."
"ahh. so, you're just doing it with someone you're close or in a relationship with?" asked amber. you nodded. "fine. i admit i'm disgusting. happy now, babe?"
joohyun, who's looking at you this whole time, turned to amber, smiling. "do you want to visit the bar seulgi was talking about?"
amber raised an eyebrow. "are you asking me to go there, or are you testing me?"
"of course, i'm asking you. i know you're a wine enthusiast. we might as well go there now while seulgi can go with us, right?"
"huh? me?" you pointed at yourself.
"yeah. you." joohyun looked at you; her expression is unreadable. "unless you have other plans this evening?"
you prevented your brows from creasing, knowing joohyun is studying your reaction.
now you're sure she's read sunmi's text earlier and is now pulling a trick to find out if you're going or not. but pretending is a game you've been good at, so you're going to play it nicely with her.
"none. i'm totally free this evening. all schedules cleared just for you."
and with that, since reading sunmi's text earlier, joohyun finally let out a full smile.
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