cafe
HARBOREDyou looked out the glass window and watched the rain pour outside. it is the silent type of rain--the one that damps the road with its fine shower that's only visible against the light.
you kept staring, admiring the beauty of it, until your phone buzzed on the table.
"we'll be arriving in 10 minutes. got stuck here in the traffic. sorry for making you wait, seul 💖"
you stared at the message for a little longer before giving an okay emoji as a response.
you took a deep breath, unsure of what you're feeling.
you're happy, yes. it's been a year since you've last seen her in person. and now that she's back in the country for vacation, you would do anything to meet up with her.
but you're anxious too.
she's been using the term 'we' since she invited you out for dinner tonight. would have been better if it's the two of you. but the 'we' in her messages meant a companion--her girlfriend.
you slumped on the chair, sliding your onto the edge. you took another deep breath in, asking yourself why does it have to be like this.
why did you even agree on meeting her?
is it because you missed her so much you're willing to endure the pain of getting introduced to her girlfriend?
you shook your head. this is suicide.
you're having second thoughts now. there's still time. you can still cancel. your brain is already coming up with excuses to ditch them. you know this meeting will only end up badly for you, but will it be all worth it?
is she worth all of it?
you agreed to this meeting because you wanted to move on from her. maybe seeing her happy with her girlfriend will finally give you the closure you wanted--the closure she didn't know you needed.
maybe seeing her tonight will make you realize how impossible it is for you two to be together. that whatever feelings you've been harboring for the past eleven years will magically vanish tonight.
you can only hope.
because deep inside, you know that if your feelings for her would change, it should've changed years ago.
it's not like you didn't try.
you've tried your best to forget her in the arms of different lovers. and although those relationships didn't work out, they were serious ones.
it's just that things happen--either it's not working out for you or your partner. you don't know the exact reason.
maybe it's them?
maybe it's you?
or maybe it's because you have never forgotten her. she's always your priority whenever she's around. one of your exes even broke up with you because of jealousy over her.
you never told her that. she doesn't need to know.
and all your other lovers felt her great importance in your life no matter how hard you try to hide it.
maybe that's just how it is.
you tap your fingers on the table, asking yourself if things would've been different if you confessed to her.
you were afraid to do so because you thought she was straight. yes, she's generally sweet with women, but she never showed interest in any of them romantically. and you also remember how you spent nights listening to her stories about her crushes, her first love, and her first heartbreak, which were all men.
who would've thought going to the west would change her perspective?
who would've thought that she'd facetime you one night--looking shy and in love--to say she's got a girlfriend?
she doesn't have the slightest idea how much she broke you that night.
but yeah, you had to pretend because you are her friend.
you'd rather be close to her in this way--even though it's painful--than her staying away from you only because you wanted to be more than just that.
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