Chapter 1 - 1 of 2

Dawn Diary

It’s 4.44 am

She couldn’t sleep. No idea why the idea of it seems so elusive once it hit this hour.

**

She met him in a humid verge of dawn. Savoring the last breath of coolness the night bring before the day took it away.

He offered her a sealed bottle of soju. She looked at him like he grew a second head.

“I don’t drink soju.”

“Are you for real?”

“You must be drunk.”

That was what she got for taking a walk at 4am to make herself sleepy.

“I haven’t even had a drop yet.”

“Get lost.”

“You look like the one who need to get lost.”

For once, she had no comeback out of .

--

She looked at the clock digitally ticking beside her bed. As she pondered what could have been, what would have been. A year ago.

--

“I am sober”

She nodded without turning back at him , her mind focusing on the moving queue in front of her. The rice chips bag and togarashi bottle in her right hand moved to the cashier table.

Before she put her card along with it, a bottle of soju appeared alongside it.

“She’s with me.”

A lone black card appeared and it was the one being swiped instead of her blue one. She’d later blame it on her half-conscious state, no thanks to the general tone of March. She hated March and the mountainous load of work it brought. Thus, she stayed silent as he took the plastic bag from the cashier and took her elbow outside the apartment’s grocery store.

“You look like you need one.”

“Why do you always trying to get me drunk?”

He shrugged.

She had met various men and knew the smell of those vicious beings, but he belonged in none of those groups.

Admit it, her mind lazed, you are bored.

“I don’t see the reason why I have to”

“Do you need a reason to drink?”

“I do need a reason to bear with the hangover.”

“You don’t need to drink till drunk, XX.”

She realized she still had her office name tag on her neck once he called her name. He laughed seeing her chugging her head back on the plastic chair in shame in front of the store.

“Okay, tell me why I have to drink.”

“Accompany me.”

She quirked her eyebrow at him.

“Just a glass.”

She took the cardboard cup from him.

“Alright, I’ll take a cup.”

--

She lost count on how long she looked at the black rectangular square, the red digits slowly moved their tail to higher number before hitting reset and returned to zero.

--

“Do you always go home at this hour? This late?”

She looked at him, drool comeback at the tip of her tongue but the sight of him in coats two (or three?) sizes bigger than her and the lone yellow leaf on his shoulder from the tree above them made her pause.

She shrugged instead. His habit has rubbed off on her.

“Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“To the only places open at this hour.”

“IF you take me to the club, I’ll deck your head out.”

“As if you can reach my head.”

She decked his shoulder instead.

“Argh! No, we’re not. Just go”

“What-where-“

Her protests died down as he took her to a snack cart, the steam of fishcake soup apparent in the cool air around them.

She ignored the arrogant smirk he sported after seeing her smile, and ordered a tteokbokki with a side of fishcake soup. With refill.

“Alright, you’re not so bad this time.”

“Cross that. I’m awesome.”

She slurped the soup out of the cup and slipped the seller a ten thousand won bill when he went away to answer a phone call.

She should have noticed the stiffening of his shoulder and the more glaring fact that he let her pay for once when he returned.

That darn phone call.

--

She didn’t count, at least that’s what her desk calendar said at her beside the ticking red digits. Her heart, however, said otherwise. She thought that if she didn’t materialize it, it wouldn’t exist. She said to herself,

‘what are they’

‘just accidental-friends having meetup after works’

‘what right she has’

‘of the heartache she didn’t know will be’

‘when he left her be’

--

It was their tenth or so meetup.

Now that she looked back at it, everything added up.

He, who was usually vibrant with energy, was solemn for once. His ridiculous height looked ominous, and his hands were fisted without any gloves.

“Are you crazy?!”

He looked up at her, like he didn’t expect her to be there. The eyes looked glassy, and troubled.

“What are you doing in minus 15 without gloves?!”

She pulled him inside the café where they promised to meet, ordered his usual large americano and her usual medium matcha latte.

 She pulled her gloves off and realized belatedly that there was no way it would fit him, decided to press her hotpacks, all three of them, to his frozen hands.

“Are you too cold to talk? Yha, who told you to wait outside? I text you that I would be late right?”

She couldn’t take his pale face anymore and rubbed her hands on his face, trying to let the color return to his cheeks.

“XX”, he took her right hand from his face.

“Eo. Talk.”

“I-“

He used both hands to hold her right one.

“I’m promoted.”

“Really?! That’s great! Wait, we should have a bottle of soju with us instead of coffee.”

“No. Coffee is better.”

“Why? I don’t mind. This is a reason enough to drink.”

He rubbed her hand again before speaking.

“They told me to celebrate with snails, as I’m going to France. That drat humor sense”

Her left hand on his cheek froze.

Some moments passed before she found her voice again.

“Is it…bad news?”

“I don’t know. Is it bad news?”

She heard the “for you” phrase loud and clear, despite him not speaking and her voice in .

“I mean, why should it matter?”

“It should. You should.”

“It’s not like I’m your-“

“But you are.”

But she was. Despite their nonexistent declaration, despite her late hours, despite his crazy owlish schedule, there was a they. Somewhere in a middle of shared bottle of sojus and long walks, there was a they.

--

She tossed and turned above her comforter, sleep remained far unlike the enclosing dawn and the ever-slow digits that signified it. The day she last saw him was replayed again, inside the everlasting cinema her mind projected.

--

The ride to the airport was silent, not even music was playing inside his lavish Mercedes, the only luxury she ever saw him sporting.

Was she a glutton for punishment?

Was he really that hopeful?

She had no idea, then. That he was waiting for something from her.

Something she didn’t know he wanted.

He didn’t know it then. That she needed it spelled out loud.

She, who was oblivious to signs.

Was doomed.

The day she met him.

He, who lived with signs and codes all his life.

“Don’t forget to turn off the gas.”

“What do you take me for?”

“Don’t wander around alone at dawn.”

She looked at him.

“Don’t speak with strangers at dawn, especially those bringing alcoholic beverages.”

Really, looked at him.

“Don’t let strangers buy you chips at the grocery store.”

He said this as he parked his car in the long-term parking lot.

She still mused over his words as they strolled to the elevator.

“Why are you saying this now?”

His reply was lost when the elevator door opened, the hustle and bustle drowned his voice.

His steps went faster and her lithe feet were no competition to that.

“Wait, you can’t just leave me hanging over-hmmph”

Her face hit his back, and she clutched her nose as she peered around, seeing that they have arrived on check in gate.

He stood for a while, making her uncomfortable and poked his back with her gloved hand.

“Hey…Are you…mad at me?”

He turned around

“No! For God’s sake, how could I-“

He let out a sigh.

“XX”

He drew her into a hug, something not completely foreign to them.

“Don’t let strangers hug you in the airport like this.”

“If you speak nonsense one more time, I swear I would-“

“Don’t swear at other people, it’s rude.”

“YHA”

“I’m going. Take care of yourself and pick up your phone when I call okay?”

--

‘Except the call never comes’ she recounted with bleary mind.

Seated against the wall above her bed, she decided she had had enough of muling over their nonexistent relationship.

Had had enough of chiding herself to only realize all his signs were projecting his feelings for her.

Had had enough of herself only realizing the feelings were not unreciprocated when she started greeting dawns awake despite her weary body.

**

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Alinka
I've been listening to Park Bom (박봄) – 4:44 (4시 44분) for a while and it just sort of went from there to this short lil piece. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing this!

Comments

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fallenfor #1
Chapter 2: Thank you for writing this ❤ its innocent and sweet
xlonelywhale #2
Reading this because I love Park Bom’s song
_sehunnie__ #3
Love it
LittleBabyBreath
#4
Chapter 2: But I’m trying to understand them
LittleBabyBreath
#5
Chapter 2: Love