Sehun walked out of the hospital, his head hung low as he slowly made his way to the parking lot. He was supposed to go see his best friend but after leaving the doctor's office he couldn't – he just wanted to be alone and wallow in his misery. Opening his car and getting in, Sehun didn't allow himself to break down until he'd arrived inside the safety of their home. He had went to a different clinic to have himself checked without his husband's knowledge and now that he's home the doctor's words came back to him with full force. 'might never have children'...... 'might never have children'..... 'might never have children'... The doctor's life destroying words continued to echo over and over again in Sehun mind, each time getting more and more painful. But Sehun just laid there, his misty broken eyes staring up at the ceiling, having not moved an inch since he got back and collapsed down onto his pillows. The only signs of just how much agony Sehun was in, were the intermittent whimpers and pained groans that laced his infrequent exhalations, although the omega was trying desperately to repress everything. This was all too much.... and Sehun was just tired. He was tired of fighting, tired of picking himself up again and again, only to be knocked down harder the next time. Sehun had felt like he was a broken failure his whole life, and the very second he'd started to change the way he thought about himself... he was hit with this. But the most crushing about it was that in Sehun's eyes, he had failed Kai... An omega had one duty in life, one gift he could give to his alpha to show how much he loved him, and Sehun couldn't give it now. Deep down he knew he wasn't worthy of Kai anymore, doubting if he ever was at all.   Flinging open the door to his apartment magically, Kai drifted over to the sofa in a haze, not sure how he was still standing at that point, and collapsed down onto the velvet cushions, his face burying into the softness, feeling completely exhausted. But the physical exertions he had been through were only a part of Kai's exhaustion, it was more the emotional trauma that he had seen in Sehun's eyes, and the devastation it had caused Kai as he almost felt like he could feel everything Sehun was going through, that he had lived it himself, the guilt, the self loathe. It had been the same for the last few weeks, a constant flow of anger, desperation, pain and self-loathing, over and over again, interspersed with short periods of numbness, a void of nothing where he clammed up and retreated into himself, trying to hide from it all. Kai could sense the struggle and pain along their link, and he knew Sehun was able to sense his hurt as well, however Kai knew that he had to push through the dark feelings to try and reach Sehun. Walking into the bedroom, Kai's eyes quickly found him as he was sitting at the edge of the bed, stiffly looking straight out of the massive windows that overlooked a brightly lit view of Seoul at night. Kai could still feel the ache in his chest, the anger and grief that Sehun was constantly carrying with him, even now when he was silently sitting still, his heart never let go of the pain. “You need anything, love?” Kai asked as he walked over to him, resting one hand on his shoulder he very gently massaged his fingers into the tense muscles under the rough fabric of his black shirt. Sehun shook his head without looking up at him, still staring into the nothingness in front of him, some part of him clearly longing for some comfort though as he ever so slightly leaned his head in the direction of Kai's hand. Taking a deep breath, Kai sat down next to him and looked at the profile of his beautiful face. It hurt him like nothing he’d ever felt before to see his mate hurting and lost like Sehun was and being unable to comfort him, the helplessness weighing on him. Kai had never felt useless than he did right now, and he felt everything was consuming him from the inside. Feeding on any remnant of happiness that remained of his feelings like a devastating black hole had opened inside his heart. All because his mate was devastated, broken. It was like he had been on the verge of something unimaginable, and he'd just thrown it away. “You’re home early.” Kai said to try and shift the subject. It was late, but it was a lot earlier than he had expected to see Sehun back from Jimin's house. Unsure if it was a good or bad sign that he was home already, Kai left the question open for Sehun to explain. "It was all my fault" Sehun said in small voice. "I killed our baby. If I hadn't taken those suppressants my baby– our baby–" he choked and Kai slowly turn around, holding him tight into his arms. "And now I am not sure if will ever be able to give you a child. I am a failure." "No" Kai shook his head. "Don't Sehun, don't you ever talked like that, it wasn't your fault. I mated and married you knowing that you might not be able to give me a child. I love you Sehun and with or without child between us, that will never change." Sehun didn't say another word, instead he buried his face into Kai's neck and cried. Kai held him, soothe him and didn't demand Sehun to say more. Slowly, he laid them both on the bed and pulled his mate closer to his chest, soon his sobs turned to gasped until a few moments later he fell asleep and even then Kai never let go.
****
Sehun didn’t want to let the light in— be it in his life, in their bedroom or in his heart—all of him was in mourning. Since the miscarriage, he couldn’t remember what it felt like to be grateful. Even though he knew in his heart and mind that he had much to be grateful for, like his amazing mate and his supportive family and friends. But in these moments, everything felt wrong, the chirpy melodies of the birds or sublime classical music sounded hideous to his ears. His skin felt constantly cold when Kai wasn’t near, only his hugs were warm.  Under the covers with his Alpha curled around him were the only times he felt comforted. He sometimes take solace in his wolf form and have his mate shift and nuzzled him. But once the feelings of grief invaded him again, even the candlelight blinded his eyes. He knew he had to get himself together, for himself and for Kai. Their lives weren’t over yet, even if sometimes he felt his heart will never be the same. He blamed himself for using the Omega Suppressants for so many years, he had told Kai as much. His sweet and honest Alpha had just gathered him up in his arms and brought him onto his lap and peppered innumerable tiny kisses over his heart and had whispered to him same words– even better than those he had said few nights ago, “It isn’t your fault, my light. I don’t know why this horrible thing happened to our baby and to us, but one thing I know—it isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong. You need to forgive yourself, Sehun. Just know that, I love you deeply. I-I adore you and I’ll always be here for you—always. Please, let me give you comfort.” And he had let him. Pain was a cacophony inside of him, a tragic symphony played on his heart’s broken strings, and only Kai could alleviate it. Honeyed kisses sang sonnets upon his lips and into his mouth. He felt himself surrender into it completely. Kai was so inside of him that even if he wanted to get him out, he couldn’t. To forget his pain momentarily, he welcomed it greedily. Miscarriage was common, it happened to many Omegas. Intellectually, he knew that, yet it didn’t make it easier to accept. Deep inside, in his grief shrouded soul, he believed he was being punished because he had cursed his Second gender so much. It wasn’t easy for neither him or Kai to deal with the loss of their pup, specially almost five months into the pregnancy. Kai was in awe of his mate once again, not surprise there. It didn’t matter how many well-meaning friends and family members told them it was a common thing to happen, Sehun refused to accept their words or dismiss his pain. He mourned the loss of their first child thoroughly— with confidence, grace, and love. The pain and darkness of death shone a new light on him and Kai and their relationship. They cried and got angry and clung to each other with a need so ravenous it made their bones ache. Together. Together, they will be able to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts and try again. **** One Friday night, Sehun arrived home earlier than he usually did. As soon as he opened the door, he heard the sound of a catchy song he had never heard before blasting from what he assumed was Kai's iPhone. He couldn’t help but smile and then walk stealthily to the kitchen where the music came from. It smelled delicious. His nostrils were immediately hypnotized and his mouth watered at the palatable smell of pot roast . His mate’s cooking always tasted exquisite, as if the Alpha needed to be any more perfect than he already was. It was ridiculous, really. When he got to the kitchen, he did a double take because his mate was not only singing to the song but also dancing to it provocatively. For a moment, his breathing ceased and the desire to stride across the kitchen, take the spatula from his mate’s hand and kiss the hell out of his Alpha took a strong hold of him. A hold he hadn’t felt for weeks, not since they lost their pup. The aroma of savory food and the loud sound of music brought him back to reality. Kai hadn’t seen him, but he was sure his scent had been noticed since he entered the house. Yet, the older man remained with his back towards him and pretending not to have noticed—playful little devil he was, the warlock undulated his hips even more voluptuously. Kai looked and felt a little more relaxed and less stressed, the loss had taken a toll on them on every aspect and this was the first time in a while he had seen his Alpha somewhat back to his usual self. Not that they will ever be, because fractured hearts could never fully heal—the wounds might heal but the scars will always remain. Without further ado, he let his feet take him to where he wanted to be since he crossed the apartment threshold. Once close, he cleared his throat—arms loosely crossed over his chest, smile in full bloom, and eyebrows arched, he waited for his mate to turn around. Carefully, the spatula was set down on a plate and the stove was turned off and then, the handsome man in front of him swirled around dramatically to face him with the biggest smile on his visage. The scent of his Alpha  as were the exotic cat-eyes gazing at him, enamored. “Welcome back, Angel. Are you hungry?” Kai voiced as he leaned in to take his lips. “Starving,” he replied into the kiss at the same time he took a hold of his Alpha’s hips and deepened it. Between playful kisses, the older man’s hands curled around his hips and coaxed them to sway. “Come on, baby, move those hips like you do it in the bedroom,” the Warlock whispered in his ear, and this time, a full body laughter left Sehun. It felt good to feel something other than grief for once. After they finished their dinner, they went to the living room and took their rest on the sofa. Kai leaned back against the armrest, sprawled on the cushions, his legs splayed to accommodate Sehun who rested against his chest. Their feet caressed each other, their hands entwined as they rested on Sehun's stomach. His omega was dangerous in a good way. He commanded him so effortlessly and without intending to. The Omega was an open book to him—a pure and battered soul yet very strong, more brilliant than anything that could shine. Sehun was a mix of beautiful contradictions.  The omega got closer to him and leaned down and then, bit his neck playfully, right where the mating bite was and then, slowly the spot. A delicious moan left his Alpha’s wicked mouth which set Sehun's body afire from head to toe. Soon, he was chest to chest with the older man, groins almost touching but not quite. “Kai…” The warlock pulled teasingly at the short hairs at the base of his nape and brought his face down to meet his own. They gazed at one another, eyes clouded with desire— and their lips could no longer withhold the need to drink from one another. Kai's hand traveled down his back and followed the curve of his , and soon it was being kneaded by greedy hands. A dark grin curled his warlock’s lips and soon enough their hips ground against each other. Their steel-hard s slid together in a decadent roll. Sensual moans danced out of their throats as their eyes fluttered closed and teeth bit down on bottom lips. The kiss was now more desperate and intense—bites and turned messy. Kai sneaked one hand inside his beautiful husband's loose black sweats and to his surprise there was no underwear underneath. “Oh, you, naughty boy.” A shy smile and an irresistible glance through a curtain of luxurious eyelashes was his Omega’s response. A herd of loving kisses rushed upon his lips and face, neck, hands, and ears—he relished in them, in this moment of pure surrender and trust and intimacy. Afterwards, they snuggled up on the sofa. Kai was the little spoon for a change, which felt nice. 'Up' was the movie of choice because it looked cute and funny which it was, but it had also been an extremely bad idea and an overall low-blow. It hit Sehun hard when Ellie was told she couldn’t have children, so hard he almost broke down in tears. Couple that with when Ellie died and Carl stayed by himself in their house—miserable and hopeless—and the tears finally let themselves down his cheeks. Silent sobs shook his body. Kai flicked his wrist and the TV turned off and then, he turned around in Sehun's arms to hug him.  “I am so sorry, darling,” his Alpha murmured, lips upon his forehead. He felt as if the darkness surrounding him was gravity and it was trying to crush him. Sehun let himself be embraced and embrace without words. Every hug fed him in ways words couldn’t. They were different from sensual caresses and intimate touches—they were a quiet balm yet powerful, they nurtured the part of him which opened up only in the moments when Kai's arms gave him shelter.  Slowly, slowly, this pain will heal. Together. The ancient Greeks would have been wonderstruck if they have had the opportunity to witness his and Kai's love, because their feelings encompassed their four kinds of love—Philia (a love in friendship which comes from the mind and is shown through loyalty), Storge (love given to family and which comes from one’s heart), Eratos (romantic love which comes from the body and evokes ual desire), and the ultimate kind of love, Agape (which is selfless, unconditional and comes from one’s soul—it’s true love that never dies). This was them. Someday things will work out for them, because their love was the strongest. *** Kai almost jumped when the flaming paper came flying above his head, he was quick to catch it and gently placed the coffee he's holding on the kitchen counter. It was written in some sort of unique patterns that clearly showed it was not of their dimension. Squinting his eyes, Kai tried to read what was written on the paper. Again it was a language he wasn't familiar with. Huffi