Lie Still

After-School Activities

 

            It was strange. He was exactly where he had been yesterday, in the exact same position he had vowed to never return. Stepping through the door of his apartment was miles away from ideal, but for some reason this time around, he just didn’t mind.

 

            Maybe it was the utter lack of control that he had over the situation. If he convinced himself that Jaejoong had come of his own volition, that it was Jaejoong’s persistence and not Yunho’s offer that had brought him there, then there was no way he could blame himself for it.

 

            Or maybe, and this was an incredible stretch, Yunho could remove the idea of ‘blame’ entirely from the situation. Jaejoong was his student. And teachers were supposed to provide guidance, were they not? His student was in trouble, and he, as a teacher and authoritative figure, had an obligation to keep him safe.

 

            It was an incredibly flimsy excuse, and an excuse perhaps even Yunho couldn’t believe no matter how much he twisted and contorted his mind to the proper angles necessary to even imagine such a thing. But he could pretend. He could ignore reality and deceive himself, if only for a little while.

 

            For the sake of his own sanity, he could pretend.

           

            “Do you mind taking the couch again?” Yunho asked, ears pricking as he noticed the softened tone in his voice. He had always made a habit of speaking harshly to the boy to uphold the pretense of distance between them, but it seemed even his annoyance with the boy was dissipating into a mild gentleness that was nothing like his usual. He hated the way his own voice sounded, twisted and warped by a sudden unwelcome feeling of empathy pitted in the bottom of his stomach.

 

            That detestable feeling of pity only worsened as Jaejoong nodded silently, eyes downcast and glued to the faded floorboards beneath his feet. Against himself, against everything he was supposed to be feeling, he wanted that saddened look removed from the boy’s gentle features. He wanted the bruises and cuts now illuminated by the lamplight above to just disappear, to fade away and make way for the pale skin he knew lay hidden underneath.

 

            “I’ll get you something to wear, alright?” Yunho asked, cringing as his offer was returned with nothing more than another silent nod. He rushed to his room and grabbed a pair of pajamas, blinking several times to try and rid his brain of that pathetic image, an image he couldn’t help but be moved by. “Here.” He said as he returned, dropping the clothing lightly into his arms. And Jaejoong said nothing.

 

            Yunho had always preferred Jaejoong’s silence. With every word that slipped from the boy’s full lips he felt himself delving deeper and deeper into an area of danger that seemed all too powerful in its allure. 

 

            But today was different. Today, the boy’s silence drove him to insanity far more than his words did. Today, more than anything, he just wanted to hear the boy speak. One or two words would be fine. Anything to rid the quiet between them, the quiet that Yunho couldn’t help but fill with that gnawing feeling of pity.

 

            “It’s late.” He said, attempting to rid the empty air with a few meaningless words. “You should sleep, okay?” He bit his tongue, waiting for at least a response from the younger boy. Just one word would set him at ease. One word to remove that painful sympathy that he knew full well he shouldn’t be feeling.

 

             But when Jaejoong did nothing but nod again and silently turn away, Yunho wasn’t able to feel that sweet relief he had been waiting for. He only felt that burning and detestable empathy claw at his insides even more powerfully than before, so viciously he was sure he was being torn apart from the inside out.

 

            He scoffed and turned around, calling upon his reserves of feigned anger as he stomped into his room.

 

            He had faked indifference for god knows how long. Since the very moment they had met, he had shrugged off the boy’s carelessly beautiful eyes, turned his nose up at every word, rare as it was, and slapped away every touch, save the impulsive embrace he had so hastily initiated a few hours ago.

 

            A few bruises? He could ignore that, surely.

 

            He could pretend he didn’t care – if only for a little while longer.

 

            His control was slipping, that much he could admit. But it was still there. Just a shred, just a glimpse, but certainly still there.

 

            Satisfied, or as satisfied as he could be with this particular problem weighing heavy on his mind, he slid underneath the covers in an attempt to go to sleep, knowing it would take nothing short of hours to do so. Ever since meeting Jaejoong, a full night’s rest had become a rarity. It was impossible to sleep with so many thoughts cramming themselves into his mind, jumping and leaping to be noticed above all others.

 

            That’s not to say he didn’t try. He tried to almost inhuman extents, but it was no use. Even if he lay still for hours without a single sound to disturb him, that sickening feeling was enough to prevent him from getting a single second of sleep. No matter how much he ‘pretended’, he couldn’t just wish it away. 

 

            He sat up at the sound of a foreign noise coming from down the hall, rubbing his eyes several times to try and get adjusted to the pitch black night around him. The clock’s glare, serving only to remind Yunho of just how late it really was, shone much too bright against his half-squinted eyes.

 

            The noise grew louder, a kind of or creaking noise he couldn’t quite place. His apartment was old, to be sure, and the floorboards groaned with old age much more frequently than Yunho was comfortable with, but this was different. He had lived in this apartment for years. Each noise and each subtle shift could be tracked and traced with his well-trained ears.

 

            But this noise he just couldn’t recognize. And something about it was just unsettling. He wanted to ignore it, but the feeling it gave him made it impossible. And he knew that those few coveted hours of sleep would never come if he just allowed it to continue.

 

            He slid out of bed, tenderly placing his feet on the cold wooden floor beneath him before shuffling slowly out of his bedroom and down the hall. The sound grew louder with every step. Yunho’s eyes widened as he realized the noise wasn’t the sound of creaking as he suspected. It wasn’t a noise made by the apartment at all.

 

            They were shakes, slight sniffles, the sound of cries.

 

            Yunho couldn’t help but freeze in his tracks as he finally managed to discern the noise. Jaejoong was crying.

 

            And that was enough to drive that feeling of empathy into full-blown pain. That was enough to make Yunho cringe, to tear at his heart until he was sure he would cry right along with him.

 

            He wasn’t supposed to feel like this. He was supposed to be indifferent. This sadness he felt so powerfully in his chest was the exact opposite of what he wanted.

 

            He hated it. He hated that the shred of control he had left was disappearing with nothing but a few stray tears from a boy he was supposed to ignore.

 

            He had to stop it.

 

            “Jaejoong.” He called as he stepped into the living room, his voice piercing the tear scattered silence between them.

 

            Jaejoong said nothing, but immediately quieted his cries and turned away from his stare. Yunho gripped the doorframe with tense fingers, a slightly awkward air settling between them as both waited for the other to speak.

 

            He couldn’t stand this kind of silence from the boy. He was used to him not speaking out of pure stubbornness and nothing else. But this time, he just genuinely couldn’t bring himself to speak.

 

            “What… what’s wrong?” Yunho finally asked, although he’d be lying if he said he was actually interested. He just wanted to know so he could make it better. He just wanted to calm himself down. Nothing more.

 

            But Jaejoong said nothing.

 

            It hurt. The guilt he couldn’t ignore that seemed to ache in every joint and plague his every breath hurt like nothing he had ever felt before. At this point, he would say anything to make it go away. He’d do anything just to be free of its grasp.

 

            He walked toward the couch, taking a seat on the open spot left by Jaejoong’s feet tucked to his chest. He reached a hand out and placed it on his back, letting the heat from the boy’s thin frame surge through his fingertips.

 

            So he opened his mouth, tossing out just a few words to eliminate the scrap of control he had clung on to for as long as he could. It was a sacrifice, but one he had to make.

 

            “Jaejoong…” He muttered. He felt the boy twitch beneath him at the mention of his name, no doubt unused to the delicate manner in which Yunho had uttered it. And for that, Yunho’s guilt only managed to multiply. “How can I make you feel better?”

 

            He was relinquishing all his control with nothing but a sentence. But he truly hoped his sacrifice would be worth it.

 

            Jaejoong rolled over, letting his red-eyes still fresh with tears finally look at Yunho’s own. Yunho bit his lip at the sight of the boy’s bruised face once again so close to his own. He opened and closed his cracked lips but a few times before speaking again, his hoarse voice sailing like a wisp to Yunho’s ears.

 

            “I… can’t s-sleep.” He muttered, the sound shaky and far too weak to belong to Jaejoong. Everything was still, save the slight shudder he felt from the boy laying beside him. “Let me sleep in your bed.”

 

            Yunho’s hand clenched up at the boy’s request, his fingernails digging into what he suddenly remembered was his own shirt as he fumbled for the words that seemed to be completely escaping him. He said he would have done anything just to silence the boy’s cries, but now that he had heard his request, he was starting to doubt his previously immobile resolution.

 

            “W-what?” He stammered, barely finishing the word before Jaejoong spoke up again.

 

            “J-just tonight.” He begged, yanking gently at Yunho’s sleeve. “Please.”

 

            The moment Jaejoong’s large eyes met his own, Yunho felt all the willpower he had left simply slip into the empty night air. There was no point in resisting anymore because he couldn’t. There was nothing more he could do.

 

            He rubbed his face with the palm of his hand and sighed loudly. “If I let you, will you stop crying?” He asked shortly. If he was going to make this sacrifice, he needed to be assured that it would be worth something. Jaejoong nodded just once, biting his lip and looking away from Yunho’s eyes. “Fine.”

 

            He stood up and walked back to his bedroom, cringing at every light footstep he heard pattering behind him. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. He couldn’t believe what little of a fight he had put up in the face of such a request. The Yunho of months past would never do such a thing. The Yunho that swore resistance and pledged indifference would never have seceded to the boy’s whims.

 

            But he was slipping. Slowly yet undeniably sliding past the edge. Delving into the danger he just couldn’t stay away from.

 

            He felt an odd sort of adrenaline rush as he slid into bed and watched Jaejoong join him at his side. As he turned his back toward him and created as much distance between the both of them as he could, he tried to convince himself that they were merely two people – that sharing a bed was nothing out of the ordinary. But try as he might, he just couldn’t.

 

            He attempted to sleep again, though he could still feel the occasional shudder from the boy beside him, the slight shaking of the mattress blending in with the pounding of his heart against his chest until he couldn’t discern which was which. Yunho had only allowed this so the boy would stop crying, but it seemed he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. And on the same bed, every slight tremor was magnified times a hundred against him.

 

            This was supposed to get rid of the guilt he felt, but it was doing the exact opposite. Though the sounds were quiet, small sniffles and gentle cries at the most, there wasn’t a chance that he could sleep as long as it continued.

 

            He turned around until he faced Jaejoong’s back, sliding just an inch closer to close the rather large gap between them at least slightly. “Hey.” He muttered, a slight frustration present in his tone that he couldn’t mask. “You said you’d stop, so stop already. You’re loud.”

 

            He felt Jaejoong tense up beside him, the sudden jolt surging through the mattress like a spark of electricity. “S-sorry…” He whispered, though the tears remained heavy in his voice.

 

            Yunho sighed, rubbing his eyes that were now burning from lack of sleep. “Turn around.” He hissed, frowning as Jaejoong remained motionless before him. “I said turn around.”

 

            Jaejoong let a few rogue sniffles escape into the empty night air before slowly shifting around to face him. No matter how many times Yunho had glanced at him that night, he was always shocked by just how terrible he really looked.

 

            He couldn’t stand it.

 

            If he couldn’t make him stop like this, then perhaps a distraction would do.  

 

            “You said you wanted to know everything about me, right?” Yunho asked, remembering the strange words the boy had uttered the night before. They were easy to recall, seeing as they never really left Yunho’s mind. “Well,” he continued, keeping his eyes fixed on Jaejoong despite everything that begged him to do otherwise, “how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know a thing about you?”

           

            A few seconds of silence drifted between the two. It must have come as a surprise to Jaejoong that Yunho was initiating conversation between the two. It was entirely unexpected, and understandably so. “What… what do you mean?” Jaejoong asked, shyly placing his lower lip between his teeth. Yunho sighed again. He really did have to spell everything out for him.

 

            “I don’t know. Tell me about yourself. Just… talk.” Yunho insisted. Jaejoong was, and always had been, a complete and utter mystery to Yunho, a mystery that prior to this Yunho had been intent upon never figuring out. He never had any reason to. What he knew about the boy was knowledge he had gained through his odd behavior alone. When it came down to it, he truly didn’t know a thing.

           

            It was a useful distraction. A distraction and nothing more.

 

            “I…I don’t know what to say.” Jaejoong whispered, his faint voice only loud enough to hear from Yunho’s position just inches away.

 

            Yunho scoffed and propped himself up by his chin. “You really are dull, aren’t you?” He spat. “Fine. How about I ask you questions, and you answer. Is that okay?”

 

            Jaejoong blinked a few times before nodding slowly. He looked a bit confused, but confusion was better than the sadness he had worn before. Anything was better than that look of pain that wrenched so fervently at Yunho’s heart.

 

            “Okay.” Yunho started, pondering what he could possibly want to know about the boy. “How old are you?” He finally decided. It was a random question, but he had to start somewhere. And a question about his age was about as neutral as he could get.

 

            “Fifteen…” Jaejoong muttered. Yunho let a sea of air rush past his lips as he exhaled loudly. He already knew he was young, but hearing it as confirmation made his stomach squirm even more than it had. “B-but I’m turning sixteen soon.” Jaejoong added.

 

            “Fifteen. Okay.” Yunho said, far too eager to change the subject. Having a fifteen year old kid, the very same kid who had initiated something rather… intimate that very morning, was not something he wanted to dwell on any further.

 

            “What about you?” Jaejoong interrupted. Yunho stared at him blankly for a few moments. The question was a bit unexpected, but not unwelcome. The more the boy spoke, the better – which was certainly a first.

 

            “Twenty-eight.” He admitted.

 

            “Oh… wow.” Jaejoong said, placing his fingertips together in front of his face.

 

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

            “Nothing… you just seem younger.”

 

            “Hm, is that so?” Yunho had always been told he was a bit of an old soul. Far too quiet and serious than someone his age should act. He felt it, too. Though he was still young, he felt exhausted, the effects of old age settling in much faster than they should have been. Hearing from Jaejoong that he seemed young was a complete shock. “Okay, next question.” He started, not wanting to drift too far from his initial goal. “When you’re old like me, what do you want to do for work?”

 

            Jaejoong shifted slightly, fingertips gripping the pillow he lay on top of. “Umm… I’m not sure.” He said after a few moments of thought.

 

            “There must be something you’re interested in.”  Yunho urged. Everyone had an interest. Even someone as dull as Jaejoong must have had something hidden from Yunho that he enjoyed doing.

 

            He covered his mouth with loose fingers, his face momentarily strained with thought. “I guess… maybe… a social worker?” He said quietly. Yunho lifted his head in surprise at the boy’s decision. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. “So… I could maybe help out kids my age. I don’t know. Maybe that’s stupid.” Jaejoong added, face scrunching, dare Yunho admit it, cutely, as he stifled a yawn.

 

            “It’s not stupid.” Yunho reassured him. “Are you getting tired?”

 

            “A little…”

 

            “Okay, you can go to sleep.” Yunho suggested, thoroughly pleased that his distraction had worked so well in his favor.

 

            “No. I want to keep talking.”  Jaejoong murmured, his eyes half closed and his voice drowsy. Yunho frowned. It seemed that his plan had backfired slightly. “Can… can I ask you something?” Jaejoong asked.

 

            Yunho scratched his chin, feeling the few day old stubble that he hadn’t the time or inclination to shave. “Okay.”

 

            He had no reason to refuse anymore. Any sort of control had been long relinquished. This time, he truly had nothing to lose.

 

            “What…” Jaejoong played with his fingers before speaking again. “What do you think of me?”

 

            Yunho could hear the sound of the wind whipping against the windows of his apartment, the creaks and groans of the night’s fury serving only to remind Yunho of just how silent it was inside, lying just inches beside the boy whose eyes were far too beautiful for his own good.

 

            “You already asked me that before.” Yunho said. That last time he had asked, Yunho had absolutely no clue how to respond. And it seemed nothing had changed.

 

            He still had no idea what to say the perhaps one of the most charged questions he had ever been asked in his lifetime.

 

            “I know… but you never answered.”  He whispered, his voice, though less strained than it was before, fading as time passed and as the exhaustion began to tug at him and pull him further and further away from reality.

 

            “I…” Yunho started, though he didn’t have a single clue how to finish the sentence.

 

            What did he think about Jaejoong?

 

            What he thought about him couldn’t be put into words because Yunho simply didn’t know.

 

            This boy he wanted to despise, but couldn’t help but take care of at every second? The boy whose eyes remained stuck in his head, even during the most untimely of moments? The boy whose voice, nothing but a gentle whisper, could move Yunho like no music he had ever heard before?

 

            How was he supposed to answer?

 

            “I don’t know.” He admitted. Because that was the truth. He just didn’t know.

 

            And that scared him.

 

            “I don’t know. But I don’t hate you.” He said, those same words that did nothing to encompass whatever it was he felt toward the boy escaping from his lips.

 

            Jaejoong chuckled, the sound made weak due to his fatigue. “You said that already…” He muttered, his eyes now completely closed and his body on the verge of exhaustion.

 

            “I know. I’m sorry.”

 

            “It’s okay.” Jaejoong replied, a slight smile pulling at the corners of his full lips, a smile that for some reason made Yunho’s heart pick up speed in his chest. “You can yell at me. You can hit me, too, if you want. But… don’t hate me.” He said, voice slightly muffled as his lips fell against the pillow. “Please don’t hate me. Okay?”

 

            Yunho felt the pain in his chest spread throughout his fingertips that were now itching for something, something he just couldn’t pinpoint. He reached up and gently brushed the wisps of black hair from the boy’s forehead, letting his tingling fingers come to rest on the soft skin just momentarily before retracting them and returning them to his side.

 

            “Okay.” He whispered, though by that time Jaejoong had most likely already given into the exhaustion that surely plagued his whole body.

 

            Hate him? No. He didn’t hate him. He probably never could. But what he felt?

 

            He didn’t know.

 

            He just didn’t know.

 

            And that night, that night with Jaejoong curled up by his side, Yunho slept better than he had in all his years combined.  

 

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A/N- A week and a day from the last update... okay, not bad! Trying my hardest here ^ ^;

Hopefully a decent chap. I don't really know anymore. 

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gelisi
If one more person asks me to update I'm going to tear my own face off

Comments

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heartramen
#1
Chapter 19: update ^__^
kjmuniverse
#2
Chapter 19: Hi i saw this amongst the recommendations of RainbowCupcake.
When do you plan on updating or finishing this fic again?
You left us hanging when Yunho finally broke.
Fanficreh77 #3
Chapter 19: Plssss update this fic plsss
jjiae28
#4
helloooo.. are u still there???
natsumi4ever
#5
Chapter 5: He calls Jaejoong naive but lol, I think that's him
jjiae28
#6
Chapter 19: can you update this fic, please????
its been a long time...
Nourzed
#7
This FIC is one of my favorites and I'll wait patiently for the day you will update please don't leave us hanging
MinSung14
#8
Chapter 19: I will wait till the day you'd update this im.... DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING PLEASE T. T I CANT
TOO MUCH FEELS RN. I NEED TO KNOW THE ENDING
SOBS. IT'S AWESOME
I LOVE YOU
Elrhumy #9
Chapter 19: Aah reading this in one go :D Aish stupid Yunho lol.. Yunho's battle 'versus' Jaejoong or honestly with all the Truth, Sunshine and Rainbow who finally come knocking in his dull life amusing at first but its look more n more incredulous.. Yunho's denSeaness made pacific like a pool in our backyard lol.. Well the fact that Yoochun of all people waaaay more sensible than the 'mature one' Yunho should rise alarm enough, right? keke..
Well at some point Yunho had 'appropriate' reaction of a twenty eight old guy who stumbled in situation who most adult felt need to avoid called the cradle robber XD But how far you will keep running Yunho yah?!? You fight the lose battle already.. Poor Jae, beast!Yunho finally lose control.. after what he did Yunho anymore attempt to prevent the inevitable just will make him the worst coward coz he hurt not just himself and most of all Jaejoong but everyone as well..
Violetta221
#10
Chapter 19: This is the best work I've ever read! Really good! The words you use to describe the fellings amazing! It's a pity that we won't read the end!