01

how to try

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.”

Seulgi lay motionlessly on the ground, listening to the inaudible counts resonating through the empty practice room. Her chest rose and fell, expelling the little air her lungs had been accustomed to need. Beads of perspiration trickled down her forehead, reminding her that once they were mixed with the tears she shed just to debut. The lazily-painted clouds on the walls of the practice room were to create the illusion of it being more than just four walls, but after nine years on the stage, she knew the place for what it truly was: four walls.

There used to be more people there at two in the morning. Tens of people. One by one they left – the ‘lucky’ ones debuted, the rest either tried their luck with other agencies or returned to the world in the shadows. The idea of returning used to frighten them, as teenage trainees, because how were they to assimilate back into a world they had so excitedly left behind? Seulgi thought little about the matter – she had been the agency’s golden star, and she had worked tirelessly to prove it. Her efforts aligned with her talents and she received due recognition when she needed it. She never considered going back behind the curtain.

At least, until the people closest to her also began to leave. Irene bolted out as soon as Sehun put a ring on her finger, absolutely jaded by the limelight. Wendy tried to stay for a while, but the demands of idol life proved difficult to juggle with the toils of motherhood. Joy knew she wanted to act, and somewhere along the way, Yeri decided it was her passion, too.

What is the point? Kai used to ask. Of not thinking, of working wordlessly, of the competition, of being paid pawns in a chess game, of the separation with the rest of the world, of the loneliness, of the years they had all lost. Is it really worth being a dream?

Seulgi squeezed her eyes shut. The words seemed to linger in the air. They were questions that Seulgi sometimes forgot how to answer, from a person she never ceased to remember.

Seulgi checked her watch: 2.43am. Seulgi then proceeded to check her phone: five missed calls from Jaehyun.

Two raps on the glass pane jolted her from her reverie. A familiar figure stood at the door, his dimples gleaming under the fluorescent lights.

“Still here?” smiled Jaehyun. There was something mellow and warm about his undertone, sending little butterflies fluttering inside the pit of her stomach.

“Oh, hey,” she said. “I just saw your calls, sorry.”

“All good. I figured you’d be here. I brought dinner.”

He raised a cooler bag, making his point and putting a small smile on her face. She shifted over, mouthing a soft “thanks” and patting the now-empty spot beside her.

“So, how was your day?” she asked gingerly, watching him sit down and slowly produce several stainless-steel containers from the bag. She didn’t remember when takeout became that fancy, but then again, she wouldn’t put it past Jaehyun’s picky palate.

Jaehyun raised an eyebrow. “You really are bad at this, huh?”

Seulgi scoffed, light red suffusing on her cheeks. “It was an honest question.”

“Sure,” he chuckled. “I was gaming with Johnny and Baekhyun for most of the day, at least until they got dragged off by their wives.” Seulgi laughed at the thought – Wendy had been complaining about Johnny’s gaming addiction for years. “Then I made this.”

Seulgi i