August 2016

It was the night before their debut stage and even after a long day of dance rehearsal, Chaeyoung was thrilled. She couldn’t believe that this day was actually here. That in less than 24 hours she would be on the stage, the stage she watched her own idols perform on, performing her own song. Tomorrow was the day that all her hard work for the past four years would pay off, the day where she could finally show everything she’s got. But she was also really scared. What if everything she’s got not good enough? What if everyone hates her and her voice? What if she forgets the dance or the lines of the song? There was just too much going on in her mind, so she went to the first person she always went to when she had a lot of worries—Jennie unnie. Although it had been awkward between the two of them for a year or so, for the past eight months, they had gotten closer than ever and now it was almost a routinely thing for Chaeyoung to come to Jennie’s room for advice. 

She walked down the hallway to Jennie’s door, a trek she’s made thousands of times, but this time it was so different. All those other times she ran to Jennie’s room, crying or anxious, those were all because of issues with training—training for the moment that was literally going to play out tomorrow whether she was ready or not. So this time it was an accumulation of all those other times, this time she needed it the most. 

She knocked on Jennie’s door with the signature knock that she always knocked, two slow taps, then two fast taps, just loud enough for a person who was awake could hear, but just quiet enough that it wouldn’t wake a person who was asleep. Thankfully, Jennie wasn’t asleep. 

“Come in Rosie!” Chaeyoung heard from the other side of the door. 

And there Jennie was, lying in bed, her eyes closed, with a mask on her face and an acoustic song playing in the background. 

“Hi Unnie! Sorry to bother you, I know you wanted to get some rest for our big day tomorrow I just needed someone to talk to and you always give me the best advice so I came to you. Now that I think about it, you’re probably tired from practice today and probably don’t want to have to listen to me ramble on for the ten millionth time, I’m sorry I should just leave. Ugh I’m so stu—“

 Jennie opened her eyes and lifted her head off the pillow as Chaeyoung was just about to leave. “Chaeyoung-ah stop right there. You already know what I’m gonna say right now because you do this every time but because you seem to forget every time I’ll just say it: you don’t need to be sorry; I’m always gonna be here for you no matter the time of day or night.”

Then she rested her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Then she patted the unoccupied space on her bed. 

“Come here.”

Then, like every other time she’s come in for advice, Chaeyoung slipped under the covers and laid next to Jennie, and as she stared at the ceiling, she let all her feelings run off her tongue.

Jennie just laid there as Chaeyoung rambled on and on about all the things that could go wrong tomorrow, about how she should have practiced more. 

Minutes later, as Chaeyoung ended her thought, she turned her head towards Jennie, “So what do you think Jennie unnie? Am I worrying too much?”

In this moment, as Chaeyoung stared at Jennie, searching her face for an answer, Jennie was suddenly reminded of the Chaeyoung she had fallen in love with years ago. The cute, always worrying Chaeyoung from the rooftop. The Chaeyoung that confided in her and never doubted her advice. The Chaeyoung that looked at Jennie as if she was her knight in shining armor, that made Jennie feel like she was important and treasured. Although they had not frequented the rooftop in a while, Jennie felt that same vulnerability and intimacy in this moment that she felt every night they spent up on the rooftop. She sighed.

“To be honest Rosie, I’ve been having the same concerns, the same doubts about if I’m ready, about the debut songs, about our future. And then I remembered how hard we have all worked for this for the past 8 months: how many hours we spent going over one single lyric with the producers, how many hours we stayed after practice, perfecting that one iffy move. And then go even farther back: I remember all the years leading up to this debut. All those times we thought we were going to debut, but were let down. All those times we were scolded for not being good enough, even though we had been practicing all day and night. All those times we held back the tears and decided to it up and endure it one more year. We gave up our entire youth: when we could’ve been out eating to our hearts content, we were weary every gram we ate instead; when we could’ve been spending time with family and friends freely, we were always worrying about wasting time we could have spent in the practice room instead; when we could’ve been happy and healthy and carefree, we felt defeated and exhausted and regretful instead. And I realized that in the end, we tried our very best not just for the past eight months, but the past few years, and no last minute dance practice or last minute run through of lines will help anymore. So do not have regrets or worries. You worked yourself to the bone...we all did.”

“But what do I do? I’m scared all of that hard work you talked about will be diminished by one mistake.”

“Well right now, all we can do is try to rest so we are physically ready for tomorrow. And tomorrow we just have to do everything we can so that our effort and hard work and sincerity is seen and felt by everyone that watches our performance. Just do tomorrow as you did today: putting 110% effort into everything you do. Okay?”

“Okay unnie. I will not let you down.”

“I’m positive you won’t.”

“Thanks Unnie.” 

Chaeyoung stared up at the ceiling for quite some time.

And after a while, she rotated so now she was laying on her side, facing a suddenly super self-aware Jennie. She whispered, “Do you mind if I sleep here with you tonight? I just feel calmer when I am around you and I don’t think Ill be able to sleep tonight without you next to me.”

With Jennie’s heart pumping so loud she was scared Chaeyoung could hear it, she thought to herself: “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight WITH you next to me.” But she couldn’t say that to Chaeyoung when she was looking over at her with such desperation and sincerity.

“Of course you can.”

And with statement, Jennie peeled the mask off her face and turned off the lamp light, leaving only her, Chaeyoung, and the music to lay in the dark.

— — — — — 

The day of their debut came and went in a blur. Everything was exciting and new, and everything, surprisingly, went pretty well. Their songs were well received by the public, and their popularity reached other countries as well. But the records and popularity they achieved really did not matter that much to the girls. 

They were just happy they did it.

They finally reached what seemed as if the impossible-to-reach goal they held onto desperately for the past 4 to 6 years. 

And now they had greater