It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve discovered my love for Chaeyoung. Ever since then I have noticed every little thing.
Every time she scrunched her nose at me while smiling, I noticed my heart flutter. Every time she linked her arms with mine, I noticed my palms start to sweat.
Every time she complemented me, I noticed my face starts to get really hot.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Jisoo or Lisa has noticed as well, or even worse, Chaeyoung herself.
If she ever found out, everything will come crashing down. In the likely case that she doesn’t like me back (I don’t know if she even likes girls like that), our friendship would be ruined forever and she would never feel comfortable around me ever again. If by the smallest chance, she does like me back, it still wouldn’t work. Korea is an ultra-conservative country and if our agency found out, we would be immediately kicked out of the company. All our hard work as trainees would go down the drain. Even if our company didn’t find out, if we ever broke up, it would be super awkward if we debuted together. And even if everything worked out perfectly, and we debuted together as a couple, if it was ever exposed that we were dating by sasaengs or media outlets, we would not only be involved in a dating scandal, but also be outed as gay to the ultra-conservative Korea I mentioned earlier.
All of these situations end up in hurt and heartache for the both of us, and I rather suffer from those things alone than have her suffer too.
Thus, while laying in my bed one restless night, I came to a conclusion. A conclusion that would protect Chaeyoung from the painful truth and punish me for falling in love with the only girl I could never have.
I would have to keep my distance. Keep my guard up. Never let her get too close. Never let her see my true feelings.
And from that night onward, my living hell began.
A month later...
I trudged into my room and slammed the door loudly in frustration.
Lisa, who was sitting cross cross apple-sauce on my bed with my plushie in her arms, jumped a little from the sound.
“Jeez Rosie, I’m sorry, I’ll get off your bed. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”
She scrambled off of my bed and climbed onto her own, which was directly adjacent from mine.
“Oh sorry, I forgot we shared a room for a second there. But that’s not the reason I’m upset,” I said as a threw my bag onto the desk chair.
“What’s wrong?” she said as she observed my every move, concern ridden in her eyes.
I sighed and plopped onto my bed, arms spread out, and stared at the ceiling.
“I don’t even really know where to start to be honest. I’ve just been having the worst day ever. First off, I heard people gossiping about me again in the halls today.”
“Say no more, I can fix that: those people are stupid heads that are trying to compensate for their lack of talent by trying to diminish your unlimited amount.”
“Thanks Lisa, but it’s not even about that. I’m more upset at myself for being affected by what they were saying. I let myself get all sulky and feel sorry for myself the rest of the day, which only affected my performance in our classes, which, in turn, caused those trainees to have even more reasons to gossip about me.”
“Hey. Don’t sweat it too much. The teachers know that you are a hard worker and that you are one of the best trainees there. You don’t have to prove anything anymore.”
“Anytime. Anything else on your mind while we’re at it?”
“Oh yeah. What’s up with Jennie unnie? She seems so distant.”
“Really? She seems normal to me.”
“I feel like she’s avoiding me for some reason. We used to talk all the time, and now it’s rare for me to even get a text back from her. And every time she’s handing out in the living room with you or Jisoo unnie, she always goes back to her room when I come out or she gets really quiet. And plus, she hasn’t gone up there at all for the past few weeks....”
“What? Where’s up there?”
“I think you’re overthinking it. She’s been really busy preparing for her feature in GD’s song so if you feel like she’s distant, it’s probably just that she’s either tired or preoccupied.”
“Yeah. That makes sense... Thanks Lisa. I have no idea how I would function without you reassuring me about my many insecurities every step of the way.”
“Anytime Rosie. I will always be here to prove to you that you are one of the most talented human beings I know (second to myself of course) and deserve all the love this world can offer (after I get a buttload of course).”
I giggled as I thought about how only Lisa could turn something so sweet and genuine into a laughing matter.
“I love you Lalisa.”
“I love you too Rosie. Now come over here! I want cuddles!!”
Her aegyo voice rang throughout the room, immediately causing me to cringe.
“No, your bed is too small for the both of us.”
“Hmph. I guess I just have to come to your bed then!” she said as she ambushed me and laid by my side, her long arms and legs hugging my body.
“AHHH! Lalisa! Our beds are literally identical, so it’s not like we both fit on this one either!” I yelled in between laughs after feeling myself slowly slipping off the bed.
“Okay, okay! I have a solution!” she announced.
She suddenly laid on top of me, hugging me like a koala bear.
“Look now there’s plenty of room!” she joked as she giggled mischievously.
“Ya! Get off me! I can’t breathe!”
“Fine! I’ll retreat,” she finally agreed after I resorted to tickling her. She climbed off the bed and sat on the edge in defeat, still chuckling.
“Ugh. Thank God. It felt like a bag of bones was on top of me. All of your bones were stabbing me,” I exaggerated.
“I’m definitely asking Sajangnim to buy us one big bed instead of two separate ones so I can cuddle you EVERY night without it being a problem,” she said decisively, ignoring my jab.
“Nope! Not on my watch.”
And just like that, we messed around until we both got exhausted from laughing too much and eventually fell asleep, thus allowing me to forget about all of the day’s hardships.
Me and Jisoo were talking when we heard a loud slam coming from across the hall.
“Sounds like Lisa and Chaeyoung are fighting again. Go investigate,” Jisoo commanded.
“Unnieeee... you’re the oldest, it’s only fair that you go and intervene,” I whined.
“How is it fair because I’m the oldest? I didn’t get to choose when I was born! The fact that I’m the oldest only strengthens myargument because the younger ones should respect and obey their elders. Hmph!” she said as she crossed her arms in defiance.
“Okay, rock paper scissors. Who ever loses goes,” I said.
And that’s why I had to go break up the fight. I should’ve gone with rock. Everyone knows to go with rock.
Anyways, I was surprised to not hear any signs of fighting as I walked closer to the room. But I did hear Chaeyoung talking about those idiots who keep talking trash about her. And then I heard my name.
She noticed that I was acting distant. She noticed I stopped going to the roof.
Does she know why? Why is she so concerned? Does she miss me? All these questions flashed through my brain as I leaned closer to the door to hear better. But she was over it more quickly than I *secretly* hoped. And soon, Lisa and her were back to flirting again.
And I definitely didn’t want to hear that.
As I walked back down the hall, new questions and ideas were swirling around in my head. Questions regarding Chaeyoung and Lisa’s “friendship” and insane ideas that only a jealous person could come up with.
Jisoo was on her phone when I came in.
“Hey, was everything okay? Were they fighting?”
Even though I heard her, I didn’t really process anything she was saying. I was too engrossed in my own thoughts.
“Ya! What’s up? Did they get you involved too?”
“Oh-um. No, everything’s fine. They weren’t fighting, I think Chaeyoung just had a bad day and Lisa was comforting her.”
“Oh well that’s a twist.”
“Yup a real twist...”
I woke up the next morning exhausted as I really didn’t sleep all too well, worrying about the nature of Lisa and Chaeyoung’s relationship and worrying about why I was worrying about the nature of Lisa and Chaeyoung’s relationship.
My first class of the day was vocal lessons with Mr. Kim, which conveniently was also Chaeyoung’s and Jisoo’s. So just like every other Wednesday morning, we walked to class together.