remember when we first met?

seunghyun first met hongki when he was thirteen. he was in seventh grade, but hongki was already in high school, a noted troublemaker who allegedly headed a gang of misfits that prowled the darkened alleys of the city at night. rumors flew that he had mafia connections, that he was involved with drugs, that he had already killed a man. teachers gossiped about him, about this kid with bright purple hair who never came a single day to class, who smoked pot every day in the bathroom, who regularly fought with the gang members in high school, and that's how he became a part of them too.

but when seunghyun met him, hongki was none of that. when seunghyun met him, hongki was just another student. he was just an upperclassman who happened upon the bullying of a weak, nerdy seventh grader. he was a boy who, with a crooked grin, challenged three bullies to a fight, despite being shorter than each of them, and won. he was just a kid with a bright smile who extended a hand and asked 'are you okay?' and helped him up, dusted him off, and walked him back home.

when seunghyun met hongki, he found out that none of the rumors were true. hongki was flighty, silly, warm -- willing to go out of his way to help seunghyun feel comfortable. seunghyun, wrapped in hongki's too-big hoodie, could only watch as he fluttered ahead, touching the stone wall beside the road, marvelling at the tiny flowers in the cracks of the sidewalk, made a face at himself in the curved road mirrors. he did it all with such ease, with seunghyun's backpack slung over one shoulder, without a single seeming care in the world, and seunghyun was captivated.

the sun had come out right then, as he had thought that, and hongki sparkled in the late afternoon sunlight. a late autumn breeze blew past, ruffling his hair, and red leaves swirled around him like he was their god. a glittering, ethereal, purple-haired god with his eyes closed and arms spread out and face turned towards the impossibly blue sky, and seunghyun's heart skipped a beat. it skipped a beat, because hongki looked so beautiful then, his purple hair so starkly contrasted against the sky and trees behind him.

but the moment was over all too quickly, because hongki dropped his arms and looked right at seunghyun, who panicked and turned away. they walked the rest of the way in silence, and when they finally reached the foot of the building where seunghyun lived, hongki dropped his backpack, ruffled his hair, and turned and left. seunghyun stood in shock, hair messy and still wearing hongki's hoodie, and couldn't stop thinking about the warmth of his hand.

you said, 'light my cigarette'

the second time he met hongki, seunghyun was a sophomore in high school. he hadn't been bullied since that beautiful autumn day in seventh grade, but people tended to avoid him. they said that he was involved with lee hongki, that he was secretly part of the crew, that he did drugs with them at night. seunghyun couldn't care less about the rumors. he was glad enough that no one would mess with him anymore.

but no one would become his friend either, and seunghyun lived out the rest of middle school and the first year of high school alone, accompanied only by his textbooks and schoolwork. it was lonely, but seunghyun didn't need friends. he wrapped himself in the thick hoodie that hongki left with him since that day in seventh grade and buried his nose in the fabric that smelled like artificial strawberry perfume and fantasized about the boy with the purple hair who was a whole two years older than him and probably didn't even remember him anyway.

but three years later, seunghyun stood still, books scattered all around him, as a boy with grass-green hair leapt off a low stone wall and made his way towards him, recognition flashing in his eyes.

'you were the boy i left my hoodie with,' he said, a laugh bubbling in his throat. 'you were being bullied, weren't you? had water poured all over you, and i gave you my hoodie and forgot to take it back, but you probably needed it more anyway.'

a lump formed in seunghyun's throat, and suddenly, he couldn't breathe. the hoodie had been worn thin from three years of washing, but he held out the sleeve like an idiot, stepping all over his homework, and said, stupidly, 'you can have it back if you want.'

hongki had laughed then, and ruffled his hair like he had on that day three years ago. 'it's okay, kid. i gave it to you. what's your name?'

and so seunghyun had sat with him on that low stone wall beside the river, told him about how no one would bully him anymore, and hongki had smiled proudly. then, taking out a packet from his pocket, he had said, 'yeah, i didn't think so. people know me.'

he shook out two cigarettes, offering one to seunghyun, and when he declined, hongki sent him a tense smile. 'good on you, kid. don't pick up any bad habits, you hear me?' but his lighter was out of fluid, and the flint only sparked without fire, and hongki had cursed and tossed the trash thing away, only to turn around and find one in his face.

seunghyun had carried a lighter on him ever since eighth grade. he smiled as hongki's eyes widened in shock and said, 'it's too late, sunbaenim. i've already picked up your bad habit.'

'why'd you not take it, then?' hongki whined, leaning in close so the wind couldn't touch them. 'light it up, kid.'

the fire flickered in the wind, but hongki dipped the tip of his cigarette into the flame, and the smell of artificial strawberry flavoring swept over seunghyun. this scent, this exact smell, was the entire reason why he had taken up smoking. this beautifully addicting scent that he had always associated with the hoodie, and so hongki, this was the reason why seunghyun had fallen so deep.

'do you still want one?' hongki shook the little white box. 'you can take the entire thing. an apology for driving away all your friends.'

seunghyun didn't need an apology, but he took the cigarettes anyway. 'it's not your fault. i like it better this way.'

'you like being alone?' hongki blew out a long stream of smoke, kicking his feet against the wall. 'i don't get you, kid.'

'me neither.'

and so they had sat there in silence, life forgotten, as wisps of smoke rose into the air, tinted gold by the setting sun. the river crashed behind them, but the only thing that mattered in that moment was the overwhelming smell of strawberry-flavored cigarettes.

long nights, daydreams, sugar and smoke rings

lee hongki was an enigma, one that seunghyun could never solve. he wanted to go to college, wanted to make his mark upon the world, but he refused to go to class, and seunghyun only wanted to know why.

'because the teachers hate me,' hongki answered once, and that was the only reason he'd ever give. but seunghyun suspected that it might be because of the other students too, and the sheer amount of hate that he would receive.

hongki wasn't the kind of person who could ignore hate against him. he took everything too seriously, too personally, and dealing with so much negativity would destroy him. seunghyun knew; he was that kind of person too.

they sat in the back of the pickup truck that hongki had borrowed from some friend or another and looked up at the stars. hongki had driven them two hours into the countryside, promising seunghyun that it would be worth it, and it was. the night sky was black, endless, with only a sprinkling of twinkling stars as decoration, and seunghyun felt tiny. he felt tiny, lost, and afraid, and he shrank into hongki, snuggled up against him. the older boy hadn't minded, hadn't said a word, only put an arm around him and continued to look up.

as hongki looked up at the stars, seunghyun looked up at him. to seunghyun, hongki was his own star. he was bright, dazzling, beautiful, and so damn far away. no one could reach him, no one could touch him, no one could understand him. hongki hid himself away, and seunghyun wanted to find him, wanted to tell him that it was okay, wanted to tell him how beautiful and inspiring he was, but hongki probably wouldn't believe him, and in any case, it wouldn't matter anyway. hongki only ever saw him as a kid.

but it was okay in this moment, seunghyun thought, as hongki dropped his eyes and smiled at him, pushed his hair back and pulled him closer. it was okay in this moment, seunghyun decided, because he was as close as he was ever going to get to lee hongki, and that was okay with him.

for the moment.

but as the night grew deep and hongki lit a cigarette and the tip glowed red in the darkness, seunghyun watched the smoke rise into the nothingness that was the night and he hurt. the pale light of the stars barely illuminated hongki's face, but his beauty caught him off-guard, and suddenly, seunghyun couldn't breathe. he couldn't breathe for fear of crying out loud, for fear that hongki would notice, for fear that the moment would end. he couldn't breathe because hongki's hair shone pale green against the blue of seunghyun's jeans and his cigarette dangled from his lips as he laid his head in seunghyun's lap and his entire being seemed to glow as he drifted off into sleep.

seunghyun couldn't breathe, and he definitely could not sleep. not with an angel resting on his legs.

headlights, on me, racing to sixty

when summer came and school finally let out and seunghyun was free again, hongki occupied his every waking moment. from the moment seunghyun woke up, hongki would already be waiting outside, smashing the remnants of a cigarette into the ground. then, hongki would take his hand and whisk him away into another part of town that he had never explored.

in a way, hongki showed him the entire world. he found out about the stray cats in the alley behind the building where he lived, met the kind old lady who sold sweet potatoes in front of the school each winter in her home, and even took a dip in the river at night when no one else was around to see. hongki showed him everything, took him everywhere and left the entire city smelling like strawberry, but there was one thing he never did.

he never talked about his family. hongki never talked about his family, never took seunghyun to his house, and when seunghyun asked, hongki had pretended not to hear him. seunghyun had never asked again, but he wondered if hongki might be in a similar position as him.

so one day, as hongki drove on the highway at night, seunghyun breathed in the smell of artificial strawberry and began to talk.

'i know we've never mentioned it, but i wanted to tell you my story.' he could feel hongki's eyes on him. 'my parents divorced when i was in eighth grade, and i didn't have anyone left who would care for me. in the middle of everything, the only thing that made me feel better was you. your scent, your hoodie. it was the only thing that made me feel at home, like someone genuinely cared, and even if you didn't care, i wouldn't have known, so i would have rather believed that you did.'

hongki glanced over, briefly, bit down on his cigarette, and didn't say anything.

'i tried so hard, after my mom left, to find that strawberry scent, because it was fading off your shirt, and i needed to keep it. i needed you to feel safe, but i couldn't find you, so i needed your scent. i thought it was candy at first, some sort of lollipop that you could only get at certain stores, so i ran around trying to find it. but one day, by complete coincidence, i bumped into someone who smelled the exact same, and he told me that it was a brand of cigarettes. so for the first time in my fourteen-year-old life, i bought some cigarettes, and for the first time in my life, i smoked.'

hongki scoffed, bringing his fist down on the steering wheel. 'you shouldn't have, not because of me.'

'it's not your fault, only mine. i needed an escape, and you were so safe. i always associated strawberries with safety, ever since i met you.' seunghyun didn't know what he was trying to say. 'i'm safe with you.'

hongki opened the window and threw the cigarette out. 'don't smoke for me. it'll ruin you.'

but seunghyun was already ruined, inside and out, and he said so. hongki only smiled, a real smile this time, and reached over and put his hand on seunghyun's thigh.

'there are strawberries in the backseat.'

and because it was summer, seunghyun laughed and watched hongki sing drunkenly beside the campfire and fed him strawberries and lit up a cigarette and watched the sun rise from the horizon. hongki wouldn't wake up, so seunghyun buckled him into the backseat and started to drive home, but halfway there, hongki sat up and put his chin on the seat and put his hand on seunghyun's arm and watched him, and seunghyun blanked out, but hongki only reached forward and corrected him whenever he strayed too far.

'i never knew my mother,' hongki said quietly. 'my father was a drunkard and beat me whenever he could. i grew up on the streets, learning how to survive on my own. i've stolen, i've drank, i've smoked. i've been on the verge of doing drugs and murdering someone. i'm not perfect, seunghyunnie. don't take after me.'

but seunghyun had already fallen so deep for him, and there was no way that hongki didn't know. so seunghyun reached up with his hand and touched hongki's cheek, and hongki smiled sadly and leaned into his touch and sighed, and it was right then and there that seunghyun knew that he could never leave him.

blue eyes, black jeans, lighters and candy

by the time school started again, hongki was no longer there. he had graduated at the bottom of the class and left to try his chances in the world. seunghyun expected that he would be bullied again, but no one bothered. school was so stressful that no one had the time to focus on one single lonely nerd. and it was that way for seunghyun too. he needed to get into college, wanted to leave this tiny town, wanted to see hongki again, and so he studied hard. he studied with reckless abandon, staying up at night to let the smell of strawberry permeate the air as his thoughts inadverdently turned to hongki.

what was he doing right now? was he missing seunghyun like he missed him? was he smoking, or was he sleeping? was he standing on the roof of an old apartment building, looking up at the stars and city lights, letting the artificially-flavored smoke rise into the void and disappeaar? or was he working late, walking home through the dark with his dyed blue hair shining under orange streetlamps? was he lonely? did his heart hurt? did he regret leaving? did he want to come home? did he think about seunghyun right before he fell asleep? did seunghyun's face flash through his mind as he tried to focus on work? or did he not think about him at all? was he glad that he was finally rid of seunghyun? did he never want to come back?

so many questions, and absolutely no answers. strawberry season had long since passed, but seunghyun bought a carton anyway and spent his afternoons sitting on the low stone wall beside the river. real strawberries couldn't compare to hongki, not to the sweet, artificial scent of his cigarettes. seunghyun lit one, pulling it from his pocket, watched as the flame danced in the late autumn breeze, inhaling the deadly, intoxicating smoke that reminded him of hongki. no, real strawberries didn't compare, not when it came to lee hongki.

after winter exams were over, seunghyun walked home through the falling snow, wrapped in hongki's old hoodie, the one that had been washed thin and devoid of his scent. but seunghyun filled it again, filled it with hongki's strawberry-scented smoke, and drowned in it, let himself sink into the warmth and familiarity that had been lee hongki.

he wasn't expecting the car to honk, but he was glad it did, because it brought him lee hongki, sitting in the driver's seat with a huge, dazzling grin, a cigarette dangling from his lips, as he reached out, pulled down seunghyun's hood, and kissed his forehead.

'get in,' he said, like nothing had happened, and seunghyun, heart still racing from the shock, had jumped right in and grabbed hongki's arm like he was afraid he would leave again, and hongki only laughed and ruffled his hair, and they hadn't said anything else until they'd gotten to the river, at which point seunghyun burst out into words and told him everything that had been going on and asked him how life was in the city and if he liked it and how he could always come back and he missed him and just wanted him to be happy but if he wasn't happy it was okay because life would work out for him, and the entire time, seunghyun couldn't breathe, and when he finally stopped, he found hongki smiling softly.

'i missed you, kid,' he said, just as softly, and suddenly, seunghyun's heart hurt. his heart hurt like hongki had just stabbed him with a knife, and it hurt like the first time seunghyun's father washed the hoodie and it came out clean but smelling of detergent, and it hurt like the first time seunghyun smoked and the smoke burned his lungs, and it hurt like it only could because it was hongki.

'i missed you too,' he said, swallowing hard, but his voice only came out in a rasp, and hongki smiled and leaned in and seunghyun noticed that for the first time since meeting him, hongki's hair was black, and he looked good, and then everything else was lost from him as hongki's lips touched his, and they tasted like artificially-sweet strawberries and the unique musk of cigarettes and then, suddenly, seunghyun was in hongki's lap, hands on his face, devouring his scent, and hongki pulled back with a gasp and a laugh and said, 'whoa, slow down, i can't ing breathe', but seunghyun finally could.

so when they fell onto seunghyun's bed, lips crashing into each other and fingers trailing along skin, seunghyun tugged at hongki's shirt and pressed his mouth against hongki's chest and showed him just how much he missed him, and hongki pushed him down and marked him as his own, and it was all that seunghyun had ever wanted and more.

so when they cleaned up and just lied down next to each other, legs entangled, seunghyun reached up and kissed him again and hongki smiled and told seunghyun that he wanted to take him away. he said that he would follow seunghyun to wherever he went for college, and then they could live together and get married and have some pets and explore the city again, but seunghyun shook his head, buried his face in hongki's chest, and said no.

'all i ever needed was you,' he said, as hongki ran his fingers through his hair. 'all i ever will need is you.'

'you will go to college,' hongki said firmly. 'that is not a question.'

so that's why, when the school year ended and strawberries were back in season, hongki showed up to his graduation with a carton and kissed him behind the stage, and that's why seunghyun couldn't breathe all throughout the ceremony, because all he could taste in his mouth was sweetness and cigarette smoke, and that's why, right after they were released, he ran right to hongki and jumped into his arms, and hongki twirled him around once and pressed his lips to his, right there in front of everyone else.

but seunghyun didn't care. he didn't care for much else but hongki, and the summer felt magical that year, as smoke rose in plumes and stars twinkled in the night and seunghyun laughed as hongki called roadside services because he'd locked his keys in his car, and in response, hongki pressed him up against the car and worked him until he couldn't hold back his moans, and it was right then and there that roadside assistance decided to show up.

but it didn't matter. none of it did, because seunghyun was in love with someone who loved him back, and the world was beautiful and perfect and lee hongki shone like the brightest star in his life and when seunghyun came up behind him and rested his chin on his shoulder, hongki would hold his cigarette to his lips, and seunghyun would take a drag and blow it out, and then hongki would laugh and kiss him, and the sweetness of his lips was everything that seunghyun ever wanted to live for.

strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you.