Zadkiel's

A frown decorates my face as I make my way inside my family's main house. I had to cancel plans with Chanyeol today because Azriel abruptly texted me to hurry home, after that I received a call from Haru's homeroom teacher reporting that Haru rushed out in the middle of a lesson. Whatever this may be it better be serious. 

My aggravated expression immediately changed into a shocked one when I was welcomed with all my siblings in one room.Tou-san emerged from the kitchen. My father catches sight of me and beckons me in. "Zadkiel, come." He says in his usual appealing tone. Eyebrows knitted and hands clutching unto my purse, I made my way to where everyone is.

The twins looked so awkward but hid it by playing with Yuuzan,  sitting beside them is Zairel, my elder sister, who's now looking at me like I'm the world's greatest piece of trash. "Zadkiel you're born and raised in Japan, have you no respect for the elderly?" Zairel raises one brow and waits for my response.  My response being an involuntary scoff "I know the language not the tradition nor the history. I see no reason to learn because I left after Middle School." 

Zairel always had this strict and dominating look on her face that I just can't seem to take seriously. Though in her early thirties, my sister looked so young and fresh despite being such a workaholic. 

A fake cough erupted form the other edge of the couch,  "I haven't seen you in five years atleast say you miss me." I turn my head and saw Raizel with a goofy wide smile that reminds me of someone else. Rolling my eyes I reply, "We spoke over the phone a month ago and I already told you that." 

"Did you?" My  elder brother feigns ignorance making me sigh jokingly. 

But he's right I do miss him. Looking at him now he's much different than he used to be. He's more masculine but still no facial hair,  I remember he used to chant a mantra daily praying he'd grow facial hair. Raizel still has the Russian accent and he can't seem to get rid of it. Compared to the last time I saw Raizel and Zairel they've become expectedly mature and they have this aura around them that just says you're out of their league. 

Out of us siblings they're the only ones who look completely Japanese and the Ironic thing is they were raised in Russia.  On the other hand Azriel and Izreal who looks completely Russian was born in Japan but raised here. Aren't we a confusing lot? 

"S-so...  Why are we here?" Haru cuts our little banter. 

"Well since for the first time all my kids are gathered I figured you'd prefer if you get to know each other." Tou-san fails faking encouragement and laughs it off bitterly.  "W-well I need to get going." Father rushes out leaving us in unwanted silence. 

The thing is we may be siblings but Zairel and  Raizel has never once visited this country till now and therefore have never met Azriel, Izreal and Yuuzan before. So it's understandable why the atmosphere is like this. 

Raizel sneaks a knowing glance at his twin sister and they both nod as if telepathicly coming to an agreement before Zairel clears . "I'm not wasting time. We're here for Kaa-san's funeral." Zairel receives a flying cushion hitting her face and then stands up a very flustered Raizel. "H-hey! We agreed to be gentle with it!" 

"MOM IS DYING! THERE IS NO GENTLE WAY TO PUT IT RAI!"

"How about prepping everyone before dropping the bomb Zai?!" Raizel shouts back further emphasizing his accent. "Damnit. I need vodka." He massages his temples and sits down. 

"W-what? Funeral?" Azriel questions and he doesn't seem to process any of this fast, both the younger twins seemed unconvinced. "You can't just go around saying that Kaa-san's dying." Izreal says.  

I places both hands on my hips and started to unconsciously peel my lips. "H-how can you say this?" 

"It's not something to believe suddenly but it's true. Kaa-san is sick...   She's been sick for years and now she's perishing." Zairel breathes heavily and tried to calm herself down but she her voice wavers. "S-she's frail and looks nothing like how I remembered.."

"Kaa-san? Why? What's wrong with her?" Yuuzan tugs on the edge of my tank top and looks up innocently, his doe eyes seemingly glinting in curiousity. Seeing this Raizel turns his back on us and presumably went looking for vodka. 

"No.... No... " I whisper all over again to myself. They're not faking it. Zairel isn't immature she'd never play this prank. Azriel stand up,  angrily and worried, he hoists Yuuzan up. "We're seeing it for ourselves. How can I trust someone I've just met?" He glares at Zairel before dragging Izreal and Yuuzan out with him. I hear Haru snicker, "You're a very lovely family. The eldest son kept a child from his parents. Siblings barely know each other and this is the first time you've been together in one room and the first thing you talk about is your dying mother." My nephew says sarcasticly and displeased. 

Vigorously biting at my lip,  I rubbed my hands together not caring if it started to hurt and my lips bled all over. What the is this? How do I react? I don't know Kaa-san well. She's my mom but I know nothing about her. It's only been a month since I accepted that I hate her. How do I react to this kind of news? 

I look down on the floor and felt like breaking down. Suddenly a smaller pair of hands stops mine. Haru hugs me and rubs my back."I don't know Mariya that well but I know it's hard for you." He whispers. "Let's go home, think about it for a little while." 

The idea of being back at my cozy apartment sounded like the best option, b-but..  I can't. 

Not when I'm a mess.

Not when my most mature sibling broke down. 

Not when my younger brothers need comfort.

Not right now. 

I gathered all the courage and shook my head. "N-no.... I need to go to see for m-myself.... I want to."  I gulped after lying to myself and Haru. Now isn't the time to be selfish. The younger one exhales and nods. "I'll go back to the apartment, I left Mischa there." 

-

"E-excuse me, I'm here for Mariya Archi Yoshida." Hands rubbing in a robust manner, I ask a nurse leaning over the information desk. The lady sports a huge smile that caught me off guard. She suddenly grabs a hold of my hand and leads me to a certain destination. "You must be Zadkiel no? Mrs. Yoshida talks about her kids alot." She says. 

We stop in Front of the room that has Kaa-san's name hanged by the door. The nurse tells me we're here and leaves. My eyebrows alone revealed how distressed I am, leaning against the door, I slumped down to the floor and hugged my legs. Again unconsciously peeling what's left to peel on my lips, I felt my eyes tear up. 

I'm not ready to see this. 

But I have to. 

Or else how am I supposed to know how I really feel about my own mom? 

With a year worth of bravery I stand up and finally make my way inside. The room distinctly bright and had this awful disinfectant stench that I didn't notice when I entered the hospital. My eyes roamed and immediately found Azriel's figure leaning against the wall with a grim look on his face staring at Kaa-san and Yuuzam as they coverse. 

I approach my brother and gave a light tap on his shoulder. "Where's Izreal?" I question, noticing his other half is nowhere to be found. Azriel squints his eyes like I'm not supposed to be here but he answers anyway, "The moment he saw Okāsan, Izreal ran off is now probably throwing up like the he is." Azriel looked discouraged but then again he's a man and they hide emotions well.  As his sister I can't say I appreciate this detail though. Azriel is always the firm one while Izreal tries but when he can't take the pressure he throws up. 

He looks down, I exhale and gave light rubs on his shoulder as a pathetic consolation. I'm in no condition to comfort anyone right now. 

"Boys? Will you leave us for a bit?" Okāsan's voice catches me off guard and I freeze up on the spot. Azriep looked hesitant but he carries a cheeky Yuuzan out. "Kaa-chan~ I'll visit you everyday! Until you get better!" My youngest brother land a kiss on Okāsan's forehead before he heads out, leaving Mom and I alone in unwanted silence.

"Beside me Zad." Mom beckons in a tone that I've only heard her use to the twins and Yuuzan. The sweet and gentle tone. A huge contrast to how dominating she is to me. Following, I approach and stood by her bedside. I couldn't help but examine her guise. 

Kaa-san had a variety of tubes attached to her doing who knows what. I never noticed how thin she's gotten, has she always looked like this? I noticed how she struggled foe breath but tried to play it off. I see how she wants to let go but stil hold on. My mother looked exhausted, vunerable and....  tired. I flinch when she smiles up on me. And that was it... 

I broke into tears. 

Sobbing like a helpless child. 

"Kirei." She whispers as she caressed my hands that are red from what I've  been doing. Okāsan reaches for my lips and frowns when she sees how horrible they were bleeding. Still,  she smiles and says, "Gomene...  Zadkiel. Okāsan is—" 

(Kirei: pretty)  

"Dying?" I cut her off. 

Mom lets go of me and looks down on her lap and remains silent. So I continue, "For how long has this been going on? How come you and Otosan kept it a secret from me?  Don't you love me? Don't you think I should've at least known? If you had just told me then I wouldn't hate you!" 

Mother meets my gaze and she says in the same sweet tone that I've known to hate. "Why do you hate me?" 

Eyebrows meeting, I scoff and angrily ran my hand through my locks, eyes stil clouded with tears. I clenched my jaw and glared at her poor appearance. "How could I not hate you? Kaa-san! Raizel Nii-san and Zairel Nee-san were both raised in Russia and you took care of the both of them." 

I breathe and with a heavy heart ranted, "You gave birth to me in Japan and left me afterwards. You finally came back but not for me. You gave birth to two lovely boys and took them here LEAVING me there! I'm not an orphan but I grew up in an orphanage up until highschool when Raizel had me go to Russia." 

By this point it was no longer about my concern for Mom's health it's just about how lonely I felt. "When I came here and saw how you played and nursed Yuuzan...   I hated myself for hating all my siblings. For being jealous. I felt like Mom! I saw how you had photo albums with every one of them but not me!" 

"I hated how happy you looked. I envied my own siblings!  They knew how I felt but they couldn't relate no matter how much you traveled they were fine with it! Your ing five year old boy defends you from my harsh internal judgements!!" 

God knows I wanted to say more. Words swarmed ny thoughts, words I've been dying to say but I could no longer talk. I sobbed as my legs gave up,  I kept pathetically stuttering inaudible and unintelligible words and what's worse? Okāsan kindly pats my head and apologizes. My sick mother smiled but I knew she was hurting as she mumbles soft "Gomenasai." all over again. 

(Gomenasai: I'm sorry) 

"I'm a horrible parent aren't I? You can hate me I deserve it. I've left you all by yourself and I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry Iyubov Moya."

(Iyubov Moya: My love) 

I don't remember how long I cried, how much more offensive words I've said. All I know is that I felt broken and I needed someone to fix me right then and there so I dashed out and mindlessly ran to wherever my feet felt like taking me.