I have been sitting here for hours already, looking at nothing specific on my phone, just trying to distract myself from all this. It was her wedding, the one I’m not waiting at the end of the aisle, I’m just another attendee. Why I’m here? Because I love her, I’ve loved her from when we were fifteen, we are twenty three now, and she is giving herself to him completely. There is a swarm of hairstylists, makeup artists and stylists roaming around her, I’m sitting in a corner of the bride’s room, hoping I can just leave.

The door opens, and some of our friends come in, they make their way to congratulate her first, then come closer to me with sympathetic looks. I hate it, I hate that she is getting married to another, I hate that I’ve been a coward for years now, that I, impulsively bought her an engagement ring that is still in my pocket right now. Momo and Sana had known me for the longest, and I appreciate they try to not look at me like that, at least. Dahyun can’t manage so well, though, she sits herself beside me and places an arm around my shoulders.

They try to make conversation, distract me from what is happening, it’s useless. Then there is a squeal, the professionals working her start gathering their things, and she turns around to look at us. I can only swallow the lump in my throat and plaster my very fake smile on my face, she doesn’t notice, she never really did. Dahyun does, and manages to make whatever excuse to get me out of there, I thank her for that as soon as we are out. All I can do now is just grit my teeth and sit through it in silence, not like I would ever have the guts to do anything anyways.

The ceremony begins and he is just standing there, with his idiotic face and friends as his groomsmen. I see Nayeon standing as her bridesmaid, makes sense, she introduced both, then the music changes and she makes her entrance, her father finally arrived this morning and is smiling happily. I had been filling in for him on the rehearsals so far, another reminder I was never even an option to be at the end of the aisle. The priest begins the ceremony and I can take a small breath.

When it comes to the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part, Dahyun, Momo and Sana look at me, but I don’t intend on speaking up. I just grit my teeth a bit stronger, Dahyun squeezes my hand a little tighter, she had been holding it since the beginning, it doesn’t matter, I made my ‘peace’ with it long ago, I knew she would never look at me like that, no point saying anything now, not when the ceremony is about to end. I just want to go home, get away from here, away from her.

“Ji, are you going to the party?” Dahyun asks carefully.

“You know I can’t, Hyunnie. You have fun for me, alright?”

“You know she will ask, right?”

“No need to say anything, just tell her I headed home and that’s that.”

“Will I talk to you tomorrow?”

“If you want to, yes. I just need to leave now.”

Is all I say before I turn around and head to my car, I can make out Sana calling after me among the noise the crowd was making, but I’ll talk to her tomorrow. There is nothing for me here, there never was, really, it’s time to go, maybe I’ll find out how to let go. Getting home was easier than I thought, is was early evening, I hadn’t drunk anything yet, no, getting wasted was for when I finally got to be completely alone. Sana, Momo and Dahyun had been staying at my flat for the last month, saying they wanted to be there for moral support, tonight they were at the party and I, finally, had time for myself.

I had already bought everything I needed to drown my sorrows, hidden at the back of my cabinet, Momo had made a point to stop me from drinking at all, saying I wouldn’t stop and she didn’t want that. Not wrong to think like that, indeed I hoped to go through all my stock tonight. For starters, I’ll just get some whiskey and ice while I wait for everything else to cool down. Taking off my suit, I slip in my pajamas and head to my living room, time to try and not feel anything. I’m tired.

I have no idea when I slept, but, waking up, everything hurts maybe I’m past the age of getting blackout drunk like that. No matter, I don’t intend on sticking around long enough for anyone to see. I can tell none of the girls are back, they must have slept at the hotel where the reception took place, at least I can enjoy time with myself a little longer. Dahyun will show up soon, Sana and Momo, I’m not so sure, but I can handle one, I hope.

We are all supposed to gather today for lunch, I don’t really want to go, maybe I should just leave already, it won’t make a difference, today, tomorrow, last night, I’m all set to go anyways. Must say, I’m really surprised none of those three noticed, I’m fully moved out, there are only a few clothes remaining, it would take me about half an hour to finish packing up and go. Maybe I should, there is nothing left here, nothing for me. So I just get on my feet and start cleaning up, get a box and put the last of the bedsheets and towels, finish packing my bag and take a quick shower. An hour and a half, a little longer than I expected, but still quick enough. The car is already packed, and I just leave a note on the coffee table telling those three not to worry.

It was easy, really, I just go live with my mother for a while, our relationship had been strained since my dad died, we never really agreed with each other that much anyways, nobody will ever come look for me here, not when I was always very clear of my despise for this place. But I do need a place to stay, away from all of them, away from her. I already have a job overseas, but it will take a while to start working there, quitting the one I have here was a quiet affair, I can’t keep working on the same place as her. My phone has been blowing up since eleven, guess that’s when they reached the apartment, sorry girls, we are not going to see each other for a while.

“Do you want to talk?” My mother. Seems like our years apart made her more accepting.

“About what?” I still can’t trust her, though.

“About why you are running from your friends, about that ring you still have, about why you never made a move to get her, you choose.”

“It’s useless, I’m already gone and don’t intend to come back anytime soon. And you never really cared, why now?”

“Because you are here.”

“That’s not a reason. And no, thank you, I don’t want you to be bothered about me more than you already are. I’ll try to find a new place tomorrow, thank you for letting me spend the night.”

“Jihyo, I know I can’t undo what I did to you, but I never thought I raised a cowar-”

“You never raised me.” I can’t believe she has the nerve. “Dad raised me and I raised the girls, you were too busy trying to impress meaningless people. You know what, sorry I ever thought you could be a mother for one night. One. Single. Night.”

I just get to my feet and proceed to leave, a hotel will be a little more expensive but it’s better than this woman. Good thing I didn’t even unload my bags, it’s just my jacket, wallet and keys. I make sure to leave behind the keys to this place as well. Dad wanted all of his daughters to have a key to his house, but it’s not his house anymore, maybe leaving it all behind isn’t so bad afterall. Maybe I should sell this damn thing to make some extra and pay for the hotel, it’s just dead weight anyhow, just a stupid teenage decision that never came to anything.

###

“You are not thinking of any funny business, are you?” Seems like the tall brunette has woken up.

“I never do. Thought you would sleep until morning.”

“So did I, but I got cold when you were gone.” She smiles, not that I turned around, I just feel it.

“Sorry about that. I had to step out for a while.” Strong arms wrap around my waist.

“Don’t worry. Just don’t listen to them.”

“Don’t listen to whom?” We both know the answer, but I have to remind her of it.

“Whoever is telling you to not be here.” I sigh, she knows how this will play out, yet she does it regardless. “Don’t worry, I’m not saying I need more. I’ll wait until you are ready, we talked about this.”

“Thank you. I still feel like an .”

“Hey, no. Don’t go there, we agreed to try and that you could take your time for this.”

“We did, but I want to treat you right. I want to do better by you.”

“You do treat me right. Just relax, I know how hard it was for you, but you are getting better, we are working.”

“I’m trying. I do love you, you know.” It came out as a whisper, but her chuckle tells me she heard it.

“I know, and I love you too.” It’s her answer, and I know exactly how deep this answer really goes.

“Do we really need to do this?”

“Ji, we are already here. What’s the point of putting it off? You moved on, are moving on, getting your new life together, at least meet with your friends, they must be worried about you.”

“As long as you don’t ask me to meet my mother, we are good.”

“Oh, absolutely not. And she isn’t invited to the wedding as well.” She laughs.

“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself? I haven’t even proposed yet.”

“It’s only been eight months. Well ten if you count from when we first met.”

“It’s been four, I just took six to meet, get to know, get interested and ask you out.”

“Whatever makes you happier. Now get changed, aren’t we supposed to go wherever you said you had to go before trying to find your friends?”

“Oh, right. I have to sell that thing. Did I even pack it?”

“I made sure it was on your luggage, now get moving.”

I peck her lips as I walk away. It’s been a year since I disappeared and started a new life, things were rough at first, but I met Tzuyu and she was nothing but the sweetest, most patient woman I could ever ask for. It took me a while to understand she was interested in me, and even longer for me to accept I could be interested in her as well. I was a shadow of myself, existing and never really living, but we worked together, she helped me push through.

Moving to Taiwan was a decision I was putting off for two years, nobody really knew nor cared, but I was offered a position there, and had managed to put it off for a while, under the guise of my projects here, when her wedding happened I was wrapping up the last of them, I submitted my transfer papers the same day her wedding invitation came through the mail. She didn’t even consider handing it to me personally, guess that’s how much I meant for her.

Getting to the shopping district was another hassle, I wanted to rent a car, but Tzuyu said we should just use the subway and didn’t let me get one. Now I can see it in her eyes that she’s rethinking that decision, but it’s alright, I like spending time with her, and walking around helps me sort my feelings about facing Momo, Sana and Dahyun later. It took me a bit of asking and a lot of chinese snacks to get Jiyoung, my middle sister, to tell me Sana’s email, she was the best bet among the three, Momo would simply ignore me, and Dahyun would never really listen. So, today, I’m set to meet Sana at her company, she got that promotion not long after I left, and now she manages her own department.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I’m just thinking if we should get Sana something.”

“You are already holding a bag with wine, chocolate, tea and snacks, what else might you buy her?”

“Maybe a small country?” She chuckles, it warms my heart a little. “Don’t laugh, I did drop out from the face of earth and just decided to appear a year later.”

“You do have a point there, but we are not getting anything else, this is more than enough. And you needed to leave to get better, if they don’t see that, I’m just taking you back home and never letting you think about them again.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll settle for this.” And we arrived at the jewelry store. “We are here.”

“Can you manage? I want to make a quick stop at another store.”

“Sure, I’ll send you a message and come find you.”

“Alright, take care. And, good luck.” I get on my tippy toes and peck her lips before she leaves.

The transaction goes smoothly, I called beforehand and the woman who evaluates the jewelry was already waiting for me. I wonder where Tzuyu might have gone off to, but it gives me a chance to get her a gift, just a simple necklace, she doesn’t really wear expensive and over intricate things, our company doesn’t allows for it, and I would like to see her wearing it as often as possible. So I take the time to look for it while the lady does her thing with the ring, but, obviously, luck is never on my side when it comes to her, and she comes in, to the very same store I chose to come get rid of the last piece of my past with her.

I pay for the necklace, regardless of the ring, plus, it would take a little more for them to pay me up for the piece, so I took the time to fill out all the forms while I’m at it, they will make a deposit within a few days if I agree to their offer, which doesn’t really matter too much for me. I was thanking my stealth skills when the lady comes back with the ring and calls for me, she looks in my direction, but seems confused whether it’s really me or another with the same name, my appearance did change a lot in the time I was out.

“Ms Park, we can offer this much.” She shows me the number on paper. “Would that be acceptable?” The lady says in her business low voice.

“That would be great, yes.” I answer just as low.

She has approached, trying to see my face better, doesn’t seem like she heard anything, by the way she is looking from me to the ring and back. And there is the recognition I was hoping to never happen, the evaluator had gone off to get the papers for me to sign, it’s just me, the ring and her unbelieving stare.

“Jihyo?”

I can just close my eyes and take a deep breath, try to calm myself down and not lash out in the middle of the store.

“Yes? How may I help you?”

“Yo-” She stops for a second. “You disappeared, nobody knew where you went. Your boss, ex boss, told Sana you got transferred, but refused to say anything else. What happened?” She looks at the ring again. “And you are getting engaged? I didn’t even know you were dating. I-”

“Stop. I’m not having this conversation with you, I’m not having any conversation with you. Don’t bother, I know you must be oh so busy with your hubby, just keep living your life.” I whisper to her, still firm enough to get the point across.

“Ms Park, please sign these papers and we’ll get back to you in two days.” The evaluator comes back just in time. “Is there anything I can help you with, mrs?” She directs to her.

“Oh, not yet, thank you. I was just greeting an old friend.” She answers, motioning to me. “This ring is beautiful.”

“Here you go, ms. I’ll be waiting for your call.” I return the papers before turning to her. “Good, then you can take the opportunity to buy it yourself. It was meant for you anyways.” I manage to say very low and very close to her ears, leaving right after and never waiting for an answer.