Chapter Five - "I'm scared."

Are Secrets One-sided?

I stayed silent, my eyes focused on my worn out trainers. Feet glued to where I was told to stand, my heart beat was abnormally fast. 

More than a month has passed since I have spoken with Chaeryeong, to say I was nervous was an understatement. I could faintly hear Yeji speaking as she walked a little around her dorm room, but I couldn't tell what she was actually saying. Too invested in the words I'm telling myself, "it'll go fine, she doesn't hate you...that much?" but nothing was convincing enough to subside my growing fear and nerves. Taking deep breaths in and out, I tried to find comfort in the constant rhythm it had. Each breath was the same, each one means the same and was needed. The irrational beating of my heart wasn't so consistant and it made me worry more. My body and mind were both freaking out and that meant I have little to no control over myself. "Deep breaths, in and out." I tell myself again, though it's more of a ditraction attempt than anything else. 

Yeji's words fell on deaf ears until the phrase, "Chae's here." left her lips. Time stopped, my heart dropped and my mouth went dry. My head shoots up on it's own accord as I watch Yeji leave the room. The silence was deafening and loud all at the same time, only then did my brain realise the situation. She is gonna be here, we're gonna be alone and she's going to be there. Right there infront of me or over there, just anywhere in this room.

"Oh no."

My heart baet pulsed through my ears as I just stood breathless in an empty room. I could hear muffled voices, the sound of my heart made it impossible to fully hear them or understand what they're saying. And for a split secong I debated on whether or not I should hide, whether or not I should run away and live alone forever. Yet my feet stayed where they were. I heard the creak first and had to fight my instincts on shooting my head up. I just want to see her, look her in the eyes and just apologise. Over and over as I try and get across just how sorry I am. But my mouth felt too dry and I felt too stiff to make a move. 

"Yuna..?" I heard her ask in shock, it's as if I wasn't real. As if I was a halluncination or a cruel prank by Yeji. But I wasn't, I am really here in front of Chaeryeong. There was just silence in the room, I heard her faint footsteps get closer but I still didn't look up. It wasn't even me being too stiff and scared now, it was me being too ashamed to face her. To look her in the eyes and see what she was feeling. The things I made her go through. God we hadn't spoken in a month. But here she was wearing shoes that had all my attention. Telling myself, "everything is fine", as I looked over the unique design that was spread over the shoes. 

Then I felt it, her hand on my shoulder. It moved there, and just stayed. there was no attempt to move it but it was still comforting. I basked in the temporary warmth it brought as I tried to build up fake courage to talk. To move or to just do anything. 

I slowly looked up. Fighting the urge to look away, fear was creeping back up my spine but I just focused on my shoulder, on her hand. When our eyes connected the guilt came almost immediately afterwards. It washed in hard and fast as I just stared into her eyes. She looked terrible, and I mean that in the nicest way, but she looked so exhausted emotionally and mentally that I wanted to cry from what I may have put her through. But I didn't instead I just said "Hi."

That was all that came out. I had a speech at the tip of my toungue but the longer I stared at her the more I forgot about anything that wasn't her.

"Okay, so I'll leave you two to talk." Yeji mumbled and left closing the door behind her and Chaeryeong began.

"Hi? That's all you can say? We haven't spoken in a month because you decided you didn't know me one day and here we are in our friends dorm room meeting in secret, and all you can say is hi?" She let's out in shock and anger, I couldn't tell whether she wanted answers to all her questions or whether they are rhetorical. Either way my lips stayed sealed shot and I just stared at her. Silently trying to convey my feelings, the feelings that I was struggling to word. Chaeryeong, however, was just beginning. "It took you so long to even look at me when I walked in, do you hate me that much? Am I now nothing to you? Or was I always something you saw as easy to use. Throw me aside once you've had you're fun. Because I'm sorry. At least I can say it. I'm sorry that I can look you in the eyes and talk when you obviously want nothing to do with me. You were probably forced to come." My brain was in full speed, "Words, words and words. What can I say?" I was in a full on panic in my mind. Trying to think of something that I can say that will get her to listen, to understand and possibly forgive (though it is very unlikely). "And I'm sorry for kissing you. If I didn't then you wouldn't be acting like this and we'd still be friends and because I was stupid I lost my best friend--" I automatically cut her off, unsure of where the courage or response came from. "You haven't." I tried to give off as much confidence and sincerity for her to get just how much I meant those simple two words. I caught her off guard, so I just continued. "Lost me I mean, you haven't. And I know I've been a friend no amount of apologies can undo that. But you have nothing to apologise for, I was the one who did it. I ignored you entirely. I did that to you and I didn't realise what iwas putting you through until now. I didn't look up because I was scared of realising that. I wanted to hide from that fact for a little longer. I know it's stupid. And I understand if you hate me, if you want nothing to do with me. But just know that I'm sorry." I finished and that's when I looked anywhere but her eyes. All the confidence I had left me with the final word. I felt so small next to her, I'm taller but right now I felt so weak and shy that she felt giant. And it just made me more timid.

The seconds that passed felt like they were dragged out to be hours. "Say something." is all that ran through my head, this friendship may be repairable if Chaeryeong spoke. But all there was in the room was silence. I darted my eyes around, avoiding her entirely.

"Yuna." I felt relief wash over me, finally something that wasn't silence. But I didn't, move. I just made a hum as to say I was listening.

"Yuna, look at me." I didn't move.

"Look at me, Yuna?" I still didn't move.

Suddenly I felt her fingers under my chin. guiding my head up. "Why are you acting so weird?" Her voice sounded so concerned, that my repsonse slipped out.

"I'm scared." I felt smaller now that I said that and I saw her eyes change.

"Scared? Of what?" She cared so much that I anted to tell her. Let her know everything but I couldn't. I desperately had to stop myself from spilling things she didn't need to know. And I needed to stop her from asking.

"Scared of what?" Her voice was quieter this time and more gentle.

"Of, I...I can't say." I struggled out, "Why not? Is it because of Him?" I shake my head and k=just look at her.

"You'll look at me differently." No she won't. I told myself, once I said it aloud I remebered she kissed me. She started it.

"I won't, you're my...best friend." She replied and I tried to think of a response.

But I couldn't think of any verbal one so I just did it.

I kissed Chaeryeong and I started it, I felt proud of myself.

 

/Not proof read and so they have finally been reunited so is it gonna be all happy endings? Or will something go wrong? Later or soon? Hope you enjoyed this chapter. :)

 

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Yuchae #1
Chapter 9: Please update soonnnn
Sloth_Onda
#2
Chapter 9: Kiss kiss fall in love~!
DefinitelyAShyTurtle
#3
Chapter 9: Please don't lead me in this swirl of emotion then dump me into an abyss of darkness. Coz brooooo! I think this will turn out bad ( TДT)
NomadChild
#4
Chapter 9: Im gay
LittleMina2003
#5
Chapter 9: I'm praying that Chaeryeong will feel the same for Yuna in the next chapter :(
LittleMina2003
#6
Chapter 8: My heart hurts reading this :(
ZUVERB
#7
Chapter 8: Heartbreaking