ϞϞϞϞϞ

It was down this road where he had first asked Namjoo if he could kiss her. Where they had hidden in the shadows making out. He had been happy.

Standing outside by the corner of the block, Sehun stared down the empty lane. Trying to find the happy place in his memories. A place where he could stash every good thing that had happened to him since they met.

Tilting his head back he stared up at the empty night sky. Void of stars. Hearing Namjoo talk about the blackout as they sat in the barn that evening before he left. If he could travel back in time, he wished it was to the first time they met on the dirt road. When he had fallen and Minseok had climbed on him.

They could redo everything. Fight over the water bottle. Ride Dari into town. Chase Sambok into the woods. Listen to her father tell him that Namjoo had grown up a lonely soul. He could be her friend.

He was so glad they had met.

Closing his eyes, he breathed in the crisp air. Hoping it could rain, so he could hide his tears.

ϞϞϞϞϞ

Sehun woke up bright and early. Carefully went through his closet. Combed his hair. Sprayed on his favorite cologne. Giving himself a onceover and a final pep talk.

He would not hurt.

He would not cry.

Today he would just be happy.

Getting into his car he drove off. Rolling down the top. Speeding through traffic toward his destination. Exactly as they planned, Namjoo was standing out front in the blue dress he had bought her. Felt like they were going down memory lane where things used to be fun and just between them.

“Here,” Sehun handed her a pair of shades.

“I’m ok,” she said. “You wear them. You’re driving.”

Pulling out a matching pair he slipped them on grinning. “Now you’ll wear them?”

Grinning she put them on. Sharing a giddy smile with him before they drove off.

“Buffet or movie first?” he asked.

“That means movie first, right?” Namjoo asked. Beaming proudly, she leaned back into her chair as the wind tousled their hair. “Then we’ll go to the movies first.”

They arrived hand in hand. This time Sehun let her pick a movie of her choice. The debate ended really quickly.

“Lets share popcorn,” Namjoo excitedly suggested with a glint in her eyes. “And a drink.”

“All right.” he agreed.

Namjoo’s head settled on his shoulder throughout the movie. Sitting closely beside him. Eating the bucket of popcorn. Drinking from the same straw. The minutes ticked by. The audience laughed. Namjoo’s body trembled happily beside him. He shared her joy even if momentarily.

Remember this he wanted to say. Don’t forget our times. Our laughter. Our fickle arguments. Or when you came to find me.

Entwining her hand with his they walked out into the warm sun. Stomachs ready to be fed. The rest of the day still belonged to them.

It would be worth it.

Sehun wouldn’t do anything special. Something too spectacular would off their simple relationships. Something too special would scar more at the end of the day.

Namjoo could hate him, but today he just wanted her smiling for him. Could he not drown in her flittering happiness just for today?

“I pick the place,” he said when they arrived at his car.

“Did you make a reservation?” she wondered with the raise of her brows.

Coyly smirking, he flatly said, “Why would I do that?”

“So, you didn’t?” she sounded kind of disappointed.

 “Next time,” he lied, because he didn’t know when that would be.

They filled up their plates. Added four more to their table before finally chowing down. Pushing her plate forward she told him to try her food. In turn asking to try his. Childishly grinning when he let her.

“Is it good?” he asked. “Eat slowly. This won’t be your last meal.”

Grabbing a napkin, she wiped her smeared lips. “It tastes even better with you.” She giggled embarrassed. “Wasn’t that too cheesy?”

“Just eat,” he tapped her plate with his fork.

“Actually,” Namjoo admitted swirling the food on her plate, “I’m happy. I was worried my mother’s words would make you sorry for yourself.” Smilingly confidently, “But I know you’re a capable person, Sehun. Like when I thought you wouldn’t be able to stack the hay, you still managed to do it. You took care of the farm when I was hurt, and you made the sling chair for Bokbok. They were very kind gestures I never expected of you. That’s why you are a good person.”

Ignoring the fact that they were in a public place, Namjoo leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek. A child yelped and covered his eyes. Some girls giggled.

His eyes remained on Namjoo as she sank back down into her chair. Grinning bashfully. Prettily.

It hurt. Made him happy.

Yet again, thinking he didn’t deserve her.

He had never cared so much for a person before. It was him. Him always that mattered most. Fulfilling his desires. Meaninglessly living materialistically.

Clutching onto his arm, holding his hand, and leaning against him they walked down the road. Window shopping with their eyes. Checking out the water fountain outside. The flower boutique. Namjoo curiously smelled the flowers. Dragged him over to mull with her over every unique beauty of nature.

They spent the lot of the day walking then sitting. Crooning over the cute dogs that passed by with their owners. Feeling her shoulder brush against his arm. Turning to look at him gleefully to share her joy with him.

Sehun took her out to eat one last time. Held her hand one more time before he drove her back to her mother’s. Namjoo stretched her arm out as if to catch the wind. Shrieking excitedly. So happily, that it touched a corner of his heart. Sehun grew weak for a few seconds. Turning away so he would not shed a tear.

When he arrived near the apartment, he rolled the top back up. Listening to the car whir, his heart break like glass.

Unbuckling her seatbelt, Namjoo exclaimed, “I had so much fun! Thanks, Sehun.”

He stepped out with her. Walking toward her with heavy steps. Namjoo waited expectantly. For a kiss. For a hug. For another promise of another good date. Standing prettily in her blue dress. Blush on her cheeks. Those eyelash extensions.

The way she would never stand for him again.

Sehun stopped. His feet parallel to hers. The small gap between them.

He was sorry he had enticed her to come up to the city to look for him. He should have never told her to come. He should have never done this to her.

He should have never told her about his feelings.

Namjoo did not deserve to be hurt by a fool like him.

He was unworthy of her tears.

Leaning forward he pressed his lips against her cheek. Bidding his farewell as he withdrew, “Goodbye.”

Her big eyes looked up at him with wonder. No longer a smile splayed on her lips. Sensing the shift of the atmosphere.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, “that you met someone like me. I couldn’t help you when you were hurt. I couldn’t always be there for you.”

“What are you saying?” she weakly asked. “Sehun…”

“We should stop here,” Sehun said. “I…I can never do anything for you. You think I’m competent, but how long can you keep believing in me? My whole life has only been spent doing only what I like.”

Tears struck her eyes. Sehun hated himself for pulling his hand back when she reached for it. “No. I don’t want to.”

“You should go,” Sehun told. “Isn’t your father waiting for you? You’ve said you would live on your farm forever. That’s where you belong, Namjoo. With your animals. Sharing their stories. Protecting them. It’s where you’re happiest.”

The tears dropped down her face.

She couldn’t say no it wasn’t it, because that was the truth.

She would never stay in the city for the rest of her life. This place, his home, was only a temporary stop.

His hand shook, but he steadied himself enough to brush his fingers through her hair. “It’s ok, Namjoo. Forget me. Forget this place. You deserve to live the life that was meant for you. Don’t hurt too long and go.”

She cried out. “Come with me.”

“Namjoo…”

“Why,” she sobbed, “why do you get to decide for me? It’s not fair. Why are you doing this?”

“I,” he said, “will only stop you.”

“No…” she squeaked grasping onto his sleeve, “no…”

“You’re strong Namjoo.” He touched her hand. Gently prying her grip off him. “You never needed me.”

Her head jerked from crying so hard.

“You’ll be ok.” He drew her in for a slight hug. Then touching her back, “Go in.”

Struggling not to break in front of her, he slowly urged her toward the doors. Her legs moved but she stared over her shoulder at him unwilling to truly leave.

Sehun managed a weak smile before climbing back into his car. Glancing out the window toward the apartment one more time. Restarting the engine. Crying quietly behind the wheel as he sped off.

ϞϞϞϞϞ

Namjoo didn’t even make it past the automatic doors. Dropping onto the ground with gut wrenching sobs. Crying so loudly as the doors opened and shut. Gripping at the carpet because she needed something to hold onto.

The ache so raw and overpowering that she couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Hiccupping harder as snot dripped down her nose. The tears never ending. Having lost it all.

People started crowding around her. Concerned. Worried. Wondering who she was and where she lived.

“Namjoo!” her mother screamed shoving her way through the crowd. Falling onto her knees in front of her. Her grocery bags rustled when they landed on the ground next to her. “What are you doing here? Get up.”

The pain eased in faster now that there was finally someone to lean on. Grasping her shoulder Namjoo wailed, “Mom! Mom!” Her eyes burned. Burying her face into her mother’s shoulder for desperate comfort she hiccupped. “He…he…le…left me.”

“It’s ok. It’s ok.” She soothingly rubbed her back gesturing for the curious onlookers to leave. Pulling her up to her feet she urged, “Lets go up. Come on.”

Nothing felt better in the sanctity of her mother’s apartment. Namjoo buried herself under the blanket in the guest room. Refused to eat. Get up to bathe. By nightfall her mother sat silently at the edge of the bed patting her arm. Staying with her until she fell into a deep sleep.

When she woke up again it was late afternoon with a violent headache. She finally washed. Taking the first glance of her swollen face in the mirror. Turning away from her reflection. Her mother was home.

“You’re up?” Leading her to the table she said, “You need to eat.”

“I don’t want to.” Namjoo hung her head low. Crying again. “I don’t want to eat.”

Sniffing. Just like that the tears flooded down even more fiercely. Her nose clogged and snot started threatening to fall.

Pulling out the chair beside her, her mother rubbed her back, and handed her some tissues.

“I like him so much, mom,” Namjoo shook.

“I know,” she affectionately her head. “I know it hurts. It will hurt and continue to hurt, but you’ll get stronger.”

“I don’t want to be strong.”

“This will only be a hurdle in your life, Namjoo,” her mother advised. “There will still be many more to come. You need to be strong in order to face all of them courageously, and you’ll realize one day, that sacrifices need to be made for the better. Someday, you’ll learn that things had to happen for a reason. When that day comes, you will truly be ok.”

Leaning onto her mom she shook her head and hugged her.

“It’s ok. It will be ok,” her mother patted her arm.

ϞϞϞϞϞ

Namjoo cried a little less as the days wore on, but she called Sehun as often as she went to the bathroom. Hoping he would pick up. She wanted to hear his voice. She wanted to see him. She wanted to talk with him.

But he never picked up.

She had called her father in those five days. She had received pictures of Sambok. Of the animals on the farm. Of the new volunteer. The new fundraising group who’d donated their shares to support the farm. Little things that brightened her dismal world.

Her mother helped her purchase a ticket for home. She actually went out to eat with her and her new husband, who turned out to be kind of funny. She heard that the case was still being processed. The criminal negligence of reporting Hyejoo as a missing child or submitting her DNA into the police database in order to help find her family would be added to further charges. It could take years to put together a case report because the accident happened so long ago, gathering evidence would take more than 10 years. Regardless, the Park family would be sued for the emotional damage done to her family. A promise made by Mr. Ahn.

Sehun still wouldn’t answer her phone calls or her text messages. Acting as if they were complete strangers now.

She was upset with him. Taking into his authority to make the best decision for her, but she would take his words to heart.

It was the farm where she wanted to be. It was where she would live the rest of her life. He knew that about her. He wasn’t wrong.

Namjoo would try to understand where he was coming from, even if she really didn’t want to. But he was important to her, so she would try her best to put herself in his shoes. Sehun had only done it because he cared for her.

That was also where it hurt the most.

The day before she left, she called Sehun again. Still no answer.

He could feign that he didn’t know her, but Namjoo was determined to see him one last time. She would make him come out to see her.

Taking nothing but her wallet with her Namjoo hailed a taxi to the shopping mall. She spent an entire day shopping. Browsing through the dress factory. Purchasing an expensive pair of heels. Even visited the salon booth to inquire about makeup. A professional beauty consultant helped her test out cosmetics and put on makeup.

Namjoo ate for a really long time. Sitting by herself at a table. Staring out at the city people. Always so busy. Continuously on their mobile phones. Chatting energetically with their friends. Dressed trendily. Living their best life.

She thought about the expensive clothes Sehun wore on her farm. About his mode of life here. Growing up in the city. Groomed by its active culture. Caught up with the latest technology. Bragging about his car. Snickering about a pretty girl. Admiring that woman in the short skirt and long legs.

This was his world.

His home was here. Hers was in Gimje. With her father. The farm. Sambok.

There was no choice, she thought, but to accept their differences. As much as it hurt, there was a truth to their breakup.

Lifting the tea up to she forced the hot liquid down , so she wouldn’t cry.

Today, she was going to make him come out for her.

She would see him just one last time.

ϞϞϞϞϞ

Alighting from the cab, Namjoo stepped onto the sidewalk. Tilted her head back to stare up at the bright sign that said Paradise. Excited chatter brushed past her. She lowered her head to see swinging skirts, skin, and bouncy hair. Smelling a wistful of perfume in their wake.

Pulling on her tight off shoulder one piece and making sure it would not slip down her s, she walked forward. Joining the line forming in front of the club. Noting the buff security guard in black clothing that helped pull off his intimidating nature. Namjoo let out a gasp when something brushed her thigh and turned around to hear chuckling from two men. Frowning at them. Turning when someone linked their arm around her shoulder.

Cocking his head, Minjae greeted, “Yo! Who do we have here?” Glancing over his shoulder at the boys, he cautioned, “She’s my friend. Lay off.”

Urging her forward he wondered, “What are you doing here? You and Sehun break up?”

Putting on her best smile she felt was flirtatious, she said, “I was going to look for you.”

“Oh?” he raised his brow, amused. Clicking his tongue at the security guard he led her through with a wink. Explaining, “You know I’m a regular here? I’m friends with everyone. If you want something, you just need to ask.”

“Really?” Namjoo asked.

“Of course,” he grinned. “So,” he led her toward the bar, “is your guy friend coming?”

Namjoo glanced at the barista pouring a fancy drink. “Should we have a drink first?”