Silence.

It was what hit her the most. 

The infinite span of sandy beach would be filled with people during the summer months, their lively chatter mingling with the cawing of the birds and the waves crashing into the rocky shoreline. At night there would be no people, only the sounds of nature as they watched the sunsets together, entangled in each other as they lay on the cool sand. It was their hiding place, away from all the worries of the world, the one place where they could be together forever. They were going to retire here, get themselves a tiny house next to the beach and spend the rest of their days together. 

But now it was silent, the sun falling through the horizon without a word, the waves rolling gently onto the beach, the birds quiet and the vendors gone. It was unsettling as if the world was trying to have a moment of silence for him.

She stood at the edge of the water, the cool waves caressing her bare feet as if trying to console her for what they had taken away. She let the coldness seep through her skin, relishing in being able to feel something, anything other than the profound numbness that had encased her for the past months. Choking back a sob, she wiped her face with her sleeve, forbidding her salty tears mix with that of the ocean. She took another swig from the bottle of soju she gripped in her hand.

It was impossible to tell the sea from the horizon (her being slightly tipsy didn’t help much either), so unlike that night when the water had been so choppy one could see the salty white sea foam collect on the breaking points of the waves, only to be immediately submerged the moment the wave crashed, their lives fleeting taken by the sea. Just like his was. 

She had told him not to go into the water that night. The water had been too restless and the sun had long slipped past the horizon, the last of its pink rays fading into black. But of course, he didn’t listen, simply waving it off with an easygoing smile and a blown kiss before he turned around and melted into the waves. She had waited idly for him to resurface, every single beat of her heart counting down the seconds like the chimes in the clock of death. It wasn’t until she simply couldn’t hold her breath any longer that she threw herself into the water after him, screaming his name as she dived under the dark water and reached out, aimlessly trying to somehow reach him, only to be pulled back up by the incoming waves crashing onto the shore. Time and time again she was pulled under, until a rough hand pulled her out of the water by her collar and she collapsed onto the deck of a small fishing boat, broken, defeated, and coughing out sea water as a blanket was immediately wrapped around her, her hair wet and plastered onto her face in ghastly clumps, her eyes wide as she looked at all the faces blending into each other as they crowded around her. 

They never found his body. Even after they waited for hours with diminishing hope as the divers resurfaced every time with no good news she would still see his smiling face hiding underneath her eyelids, haunting her every time she dared close her eyes. Even when all the divers gave up and sunrise had long passed she waited for him, curled up on the beach as close to the waves as she dared, waiting for him to resurface from the frothy waves. But he never did. She waited for him for hours as the authorities came and tried to speak to her to no avail, her eyes fixated on the horizon and the rising sun.  He had to come back. He simply had to. There was no way he could have left her alone.

The police must have sifted through their belongings at some moment in time and found their next of kin because before long she felt a towel being wrapped around her still damp hair as someone clumsily tried to dry it as best they could. 

“None of this is your fault,” he said, his voice wavering as he tried to maintain some sort of composure for both their sakes, “he shouldn’t have gone into that water and you know it.”

She choked back a sob as she croaked back a reply, “I told him, Nam, I told him he shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have just told him, I should’ve forced him to listen and not let him ignore me.” 

The hands toweling dry her hair stilled for a moment, and she could feel him haltingly inhaling behind her. The towel soon fell slack on her back and she could feel his arms holding her shoulders as he gently turned her around, forcing her to rip her bloodshot eyes from the horizon and to look at him.

She couldn’t look at him in the eyes, not when it was her fault he wasn’t with them at that moment. She could see Namjoon’s lips moving, saying something, but his words fell to deaf ears. All she could hear was his laugh haunting her. 

She should have stopped him before he melted into the waves. She should have run in to look for him before she did. She should have stood less idly as she waited for him to come back. She