I leave the office with a sense of dread coming over my body. I know I didn’t have a whole lot of options at this point. I leave the building and walk across campus slowly. I watch the other students walking with purpose, I see groups of friends walking together smiling, laughing, enjoying all of this. I can’t help but feel a bit bitter. I wanted that.

“Hey Byul, aren’t you coming?” I hear a friend call out to me. I turn around and see Jaehyung jogging over to me. “You know we have a class meeting before the semester starts next week right?” He probes gently.

I shake my head. “No, I’m..”I say struggling to get the words out. “I’m taking a leave of absence.” I finally say getting the words out. “I have a lot going on.” I say nodding my head in a resigned sort of way.

Jaehyung looks at me shocked. “Is everything ok? I mean I know you’re usually pretty quiet, but if there is anything I can do, let me know.” He says seriously. “Byul…” He says my name in a sad sort of way.

“I just have to work through some things.”I say quietly. “You should get to that meeting, we’ll talk later.” I say backing up slightly. “I have some other things to take care of.” I say trying to escape this situation.  “If you don’t mind, can you keep this between us.” I add on as I push my hair back behind my ear.

Jaehyung nods his head. “Yeah, just promise you’ll keep in touch.”

“I promise.” I say quietly, feeling rather awkward. “I’ll see you around.” I say as I wave and turn away to walk off. I walk quickly trying to avoid people. I hold myself together until I can make it home.

As I enter my home I see the picture of me and Yoongi, back when we were kids and I was sure of who I was.

I remember when Yoongi and I were best friends, I remember the trouble we got into when were kids. I remember being happy and confident. I also remember having my secret fears eating away at me. I also remember that I didn’t let them beat me.

Now though is a different story. I broke down and I haven’t been able to recover since. I remember how it finally felt to break.

I can’t breathe, I feel as though I’m choking. I feel the tears I’ve fought to keep back spill over. I can’t help myself. My chest tightens as each audible sob escapes from my mouth. I feel betrayed by my own emotions. I have absolutely no control and it terrifies me that this keeps happening. I’ve always hated feeling helpless, and this is an entirely different sort of helpless. This is the kind that leaves you empty. This is the kind that makes your body ache with regret.

I wake up to my phone going off. Groggily I reach out and answer it. “Hello?” I question as I fight not to fall back asleep.

“Hey, I’m on my way over, we’re going to spend the day together before you get too busy with school.” I hear Yoongi says confidently. “Hey, are you even awake? Byul?”

“Yeah, sorry. I have a migraine.” I say wincing at thee sounds coming from my phone. “I’ll see you soon.” I mumble wanting to stay in and do nothing. I don’t particularly want to see anyone today.

“Yah, I’m only calling because I’m already here.” Yoongi says bluntly. “Open your door.” I hear a gentle knock come from my door as he says this.

Hanging up, I groan in pain as I stumble through my apartment to open the door. After letting my friend in, I walk over to my kitchen cabinet, I squint my eyes as I struggle to read the bottles correctly. “Here, this is you migraine medication.” Yoongi says reaching around me and picking the correct bottle up. He opens the bottle easily and hands me one tablet. After putting it back, he gets me a glass of water. “You usually get migraines after you cry, is everything ok?” He asks worriedly. “I haven’t seen you in a while…” He says as I simply nod my head. Taking my medicine I walk back to my bedroom and lay down.

Yoongi nudges me softly to scoot over, as I scoot closer to the wall he lies down next to me. “Thank you.” I mumble quietly as he grabs my hand.

“You didn’t answer my question, is everything ok?” Yoongi presses again. “You never text me anymore.”

I let out a small sigh. “It’s just stress from school and work.” I say in a small voice. “Things have just been getting a little hectic.” I couldn’t tell him I was taking a leave of absence, he’d want to know why. I can’t even explain the why to myself.

“Remember when we were kids and we’d build a fort and hide it it all day?” Yoongi asks cooly. “We’d stay in all day, just playing games and talking. We used to tell each other everything.”

I grip his hand a little tighter. “We can’t make a fort anymore like we used to. Things have changed.” I answer back a bit cynically. “Besides things aren’t so simple, especially with your career.”

“You could do this too you know. I don’t get why you stopped modeling. You were really good at it and you used to live for it. Your instagram was amazing.” Yoongi fires back candidly.

Yoongi stops short of demanding to know what happened. “I know. I just don’t know anymore.” I whisper back restraining myself. How can I just lay this all out on him. Yoongi has so much more on his plate, he doesn’t need his weepy friend dragging him down.

“I hate when you get all ambiguous like that.” He says plainly. “Let’s nap, I always have to go and do stuff now. It’ll be nice to have a do nothing day.”