Cold dish water trickles down Jongin's arm as he basks in the silence of the apartment. He already regrets sending Jungah upstairs, because she would provide a great distraction from Sehun’s piercing gaze, which is starting to burn holes in his head.

Jongin wants to scream that he already knows what Sehun is going to say. He has no idea how Sehun could possibly know, but he can practically feel the words hitting him already. A part of Jongin wishes that Sehun would go back to being his usual, love struck and disgustingly-good-with-children self when he looks up and is met with Sehun’s unfaltering gaze.

”Thanks for the food, it was delicious,” Sehun says after a few more minutes of silence.

Jongin blinks. ”It's fine,” he mutters. ”Sorry about that, by the way, it’s...just how she is sometimes.”

Sehun chuckles. ”That’s perfectly alright and you know that. Besides, you didn't seem to be all that different yourself at her age," he says with a wink. 

Nodding, Jongin runs a hand through his hair. ”She seems to like you a lot,” he says in an attempt at easing the coiling in his gut. ”It’s just that she’s usually really shy around people she doesn’t know.”

Sehun shoves his hands in his pockets. ”I’ve always liked children,” he says before he clears his throat. ”Listen, I truly do apologize if I’m coming on like this, and I know this isn’t my place and all, but...”

Jongin swallows the lump in his throat. They’re standing so close that he catches a whiff of Sehun’s perfume with every breath, and he hates how much he likes it. Jongin high-key expects Sehun to verbally massacre him, which is why he ends up blinking in surprise when Sehun goes on to reach into his suit pocket.

”Look, I hate to speculate like this--” Sehun retrieves something small and white, which Jongin recognizes as one of his business cards. ”If there’s anything you need to talk about, or discuss, I just want you to know that you can always give me a call.”

Jongin stares at the object in Sehun’s hands like it's a bomb about to explode. It only reminds him of the fact that he’s misplaced his own box of business cards somewhere amid the mess that is his desk. It’s not until Jongin sees the expectant twinkle in Sehun’s eyes that he realizes that Sehun is being serious, so Jongin grabs the card before he Sehun's stare can take him under.

What the is this?

Jongin runs the tip of his finger along the sharp edges, all while Jungah can be heard humming to herself upstairs.

Does he think I’m some kind of kid in need of counseling?

”Thanks, I…guess,” Jongin mutters, swallowing the rest of the words on his tongue. He doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry, mostly because there isn’t jack to talk about. At least not anymore.  

It’s not until they fall into silence again that Jongin exhales in relief. Because Sehun doesn’t actually know anything. He’s just being his usual, clingy self, Jongin thinks while eyeing the rows of polished dishes on the drying rack.

Jongin wholeheartedly expects Sehun to walk out of the house when they’ve been silent for nearly five whole minutes. However, there’s something about the lingering glint in Sehun’s eyes that leads Jongin to believe that Sehun most likely isn’t planning on heading off anytime soon. The thought both relieves him and irritates him to no end, because all Jongin really wants right now is to spend some time alone before he’s set to drop Jungah off at school tomorrow morning. Not to mention that he can live without Sehun constantly ogling him like some kind of lovesick crackhead, anyway.

”Did I do anything last night???” Jongin blurts out, figuring the silence must have gotten the best of him. Sure enough, Sehun only looks at him like he’s grown a second head. ”I mean…you know, when we…never mind.”

Sehun shifts until he’s leaning against the counter. ”You...could say that,” he chuckles after a minute.

Jongin fights an impulse to slam his head against the stove. ”Did I say anything?” he asks with perhaps a little more desperation than needed. 

This time, Sehun frowns, which is all Jongin needs to know that he probably said something. Scratch that - he definitely said something.

As much he could live his whole life without knowing what it was, Jongin opens his mouth to speak. ”What did I say, then?”

Sehun is silent for a moment, and the small smile that subsequently tugs on the corner of his lips does nothing to settle Jongin’s nerves.

”It was nothing special,” Sehun says as he straightens out his tie. ”I mean, it was the usual drunken rambling, so-”

”About what?” Jongin interjects, not even bothering to keep his voice down.

Sehun shrugs. ”Just kept calling everything and everyone bull, that’s all,” he says while keeping his voice down. ”So, the usual, in other words.”

Jongin doesn’t even bother cringing at himself. He’s just glad that he’s been given the gift of having zero recollection of his drunken antics by morning. ”Is…is that it?” he chokes out, only to regret it when something flashes in Sehun’s eyes. That definitely wasn’t it.

This time, a contemplative look appears on Sehun's face until he shrugs. ”It doesn’t-”

”Tell me,” Jongin blurts out, fighting the urge to grab Sehun’s collar and rustle him to get the words out. "I mean, you need to tell me, it's only fair, right?"

”Alright, fine.” Sehun stares at Jongin with a glare that can screams ’are-you-sure-about-this?’. ”I mean, it’s...you might’ve called Baekhyun a , but that’s pretty much the rest of it.”

Jongin blinks. A part of him hopes that Sehun will burst into laugher while assuring him that it was just a joke, but it never happens. God ing damn it.

After he tries, and fails, to become one with the wall, Jongin internally curses. He doesn't even realize that his cheeks are burning hot until he runs a hand down his face in embarrassment. If Sehun didn’t already have enough reason to storm out of the house while calling him a weirdo, he sure does now. ”Don’t tell him, okay?”

Sehun puts his hands up in defense. ”We’re not that close, don't worry,” he laughs. 

”Dad, can we go to the park now?” Jungah excitedly asks after trotting down a few stairs. ”Lisa should be there with her mother already!”

Jongin exhales. He really isn’t the mood to be pushed on one of the baby swings by a bunch of little children right now, so he shakes his head. Not to mention Sehun probably isn’t, either. ”I think I’ll stay home with Sehun, if that’s okay,” he says with an apologetic smile. 

”Okay, fine,” Jungah sighs before descending the rest of the stairs and skipping over to Sehun. ”But there’s a huge leaf pile that you can play in if you want, it’ll be fun, I promise!” she squees, tugging on Sehun’s sleeve.

All Jongin can think about is getting mud all over himself, and he knows that Sehun is thinking the same exact thing when the latter's eyes automatically flicker to his paper white dress shirt. 

”I'm not so sure,” Sehun eventually chuckles before saying something about not wanting to get his precious work clothes filthy. ”It’s probably best if you-”

”That’s fine, Dad has a lot of clothes he doesn’t wear cause he thinks they’re ugly, so you can wear those!” Jungah interrupts and pokes Jongin square in the ribs. To say that Jongin almost jumps through the ceiling with a squawk would be an understatement. 

Jongin rubs the sore spot on his waist. ”How about we meet you guys at the park in a little bit?” he suggests. ”And no begging Lisa’s mother for treats like you did last time, okay?”

”I won’t, I’ve got it with me today,” Jungah huffs, holding up her fluffy, purple coin purse. She adjusts her skirt before saying her goodbyes and heading towards the hallway.

It’s not until the front door shuts that Jongin suddenly becomes painfully aware of how silent the house is. Not even the creaking pipes can block out his own pulse in his ears, and he distracts himself by walking over and placing Jungah’s kitty sculptures back on the windowsill. 

Jongin has to take back his claim of being gifted with the ability to wake up with a blank memory bank. Because all it takes is one look at the two figurines for Jungah’s words to hit him, which in turn ignites something at the back of his head - something that he was certain he had repressed for good up until this moment. 

It must have slipped through one of the many cracks in his mind. Yet Jongin has no idea why he reminisces stumbling home just before dawn, mere hours after his boss threatened to fire him after witnessing one of his nervous breakdowns at his desk. Jongin can't recall, but he figures that it must have been the reason behind him spewing incoherencies about Chanyeol upon walking in the door. Besides that, all Jongin remembers is subsequently enduring the most intense hangover he's ever suffered in his life, which in turn triggered a three hour long panic attack. Despite what Sehun might think of him, Jongin was probably just as bewildered as Jungah was when they nearly collided on the top step during his search for some Advil. And while Jongin knew that it was his own fault for failing to know about Jungah coming home that evening, the deafening bar music made it impossible for him to hear his phone going off.

Luckily, his borderline comatose state made him unable to name any names (even though Jungah's made up nickname isn't much of an improvement), but Jongin's relief is short lived when he sees the look on Sehun’s face. Jongin suddenly feels like a stranger in his own house from his spot across the kitchen. He also wonders how he’s so alarmingly okay with one of his colleagues standing under his roof like this, but he figures that’s the least of his concerns right now.

Jongin high-key regrets his decision to ditch the park when the silence grows so thick that he wants to tug on his collar. ”She’s cute, isn’t she,” he dumbly says.

Sehun nods. ”Yeah, she is.” He clears his throat. ”Again, I know this isn’t my place, but I just can’t help but wonder if there’s something that might be bothering you.” He’s clearly trying his best to maintain his usual politeness, even though Jongin can spot the concerned glint in his eyes from a mile away.

Jongin wants to laugh. He really has no idea. ”What are you talking about?”

”Let me know if I’m wrong, but I’d really appreciate it if you could tell me what’s going on,” Sehun softly says. ”I mean, just listening to what she’s been saying and all, it’s kind of…concerning, if you ask me.”

Leaning against the rock hard windowsill, Jongin crosses his arms over his chest. ”I still don’t know what you’re talking about," he says.

”It’s just that I’ve seen what you do, I was with you last night, incase you’ve forgotten,” Sehun says with no trace of sarcasm in his voice. ”I mean, I wouldn’t have paid any attention to it if it wasn’t for the fact that you were intending to drive home afterwards.” 

Jongin clenches his jaw in irritation. He’s torn between admitting that Sehun might have a point and kicking him out of the house head first, because who does Sehun think he is inviting himself to his house and proceeding to act like some sort of know-it-all psychotherapist??? ”I don’t usually take the car,” he grumbles, mostly to himself.

Sehun is silent for a moment. ”Fair enough, I guess,” he slowly says. ”We might not see each other around all that much, but I know you’re not stupid.” His frown only deepens. ”And call it what you want, but I don’t think a child should have to witness their parent coming home while pissed out of their mind every other day, but that’s just m-”

”Maybe you’re right,” Jongin interrupts, not even having the willpower to elaborate. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s freshly out of cigarettes, he would be on the balcony and clearing his head right this second. ”Maybe this isn’t your goddamn place.”

Sehun puts his hands up in defense. ”Like I said, I apologize if I’m coming on so suddenly,” he says. ”But you know that I trust you and that you can tell me whatever, right?” 

Jongin nearly jumps out of his own skin when he suddenly feels his pulse quicken. ”But it’s...” He curses to himself. ”It’s a long story, you wouldn’t get it.”

”People say I’m a good listener,” Sehun chuckles before walking over and taking a seat on one of the kitchen chairs. He almost looks like a lawyer in his suit, which does nothing to calm Jongin’s nerves. ”You could always try, you know.”

Jongin isn’t sure if it’s the softness in Sehun’s eyes reeling him in like a magnet, or the headache inducing silence, but he finds himself inching towards the table before he can process what he's doing. Goddamn extroverts.

The cushion feels rock hard beneath his thighs, and Jongin hates that he doesn’t have anything to distract himself with when Sehun continues to stare at him. ”You’re…you wouldn’t like it.”

Sehun raises an eyebrow, but the softness in his eyes never fades. ”And why is that?”

Fighting the urge to scream, Jongin rolls his eyes. ”It’s just ’cause…” …it is and has always been my own goddamn ing fault. ”…it’s just weird, I guess.”

Across the table, Sehun nods in understanding. ”I understand, but some things are often better to talk about,” he says in a tone that almost reminds Jongin of the one he uses when he’s on the phone with clients at work.

Jongin crosses his legs. His heart is racing so fast that he worries it might explode into a million pieces. ”Could I have a smoke first-”

”Jongin,” Sehun interjects, ”I hate to sound like this, but I want you to-”

”I told you, it’s weird,” Jongin huffs, running a hand through his hair. ”And I don’t get why you’re so adamant about it, anyway,” he adds with too much disdain then he would have liked.

Sehun sighs. ”Truth is, I’m slightly worried,” he says after a moment.

Jongin raises an eyebrow. If he could, he would break into a five hour long rant about how Jungah actually enjoys spending her days at his mother’s house. ”About Jungah, I'm assuming,” he mutters.  

”About you,” Sehun sighs with a frown. "I mean, I am worried about Jungah, but that’s mostly because I’m worried about you.”

Fighting the urge to point to himself like a little kid, Jongin blinks. "Me?" he echoes. He has to pinch himself to stop himself from condemning Sehun for constantly treating him like a five year old. ”...You know Chanyeol, right?”

Jongin mentally slaps himself. Of course Sehun ing knows. Moron.

Thankfully, Sehun only blinks in mild puzzlement. ”What about Chanyeol?”

Jongin opens his mouth to continue, only to lose his train of thought when his head spins so badly that nearly falls off his chair. ”It’s…I never meant for it to happen, it just did, and now everything’s just…” He cuts himself off when Sehun frowns. "

Something tugs in Jongin’s stomach. He's glad that he chose to keep his food intake to a minimum earlier, because he's pretty sure everything would have come back up when Sehun sends him a look. Despite the fact that Sehun's stupidly worried gaze makes Jongin want to bash his head against the tabletop, he would be lying if he said that he wanted Sehun to walk out the door. Come to think of it, there's something oddly comforting about the way Sehun's blond locks frame his eyes, and even though there's merely a table separating them, Jongin suddenly feels the urge to ask Sehun to hold him when a wave of emptiness washes over him. All Jongin knows that he's not about to lose Sehun to his own foolish words. 

Sehun can’t know. 

Jongin has to bite down on his tongue to stop himself from running his mouth like an idiot. Across the table, Sehun is staring at him with so much concern that Jongin almost wants to tell him.

He wants to tell Sehun all about how utterly foolish he was to misread the signs for nearly a whole year.

He wants to tell Sehun how he could physically feel his nerves trembling right before their nine o'clock meeting.

He wants to tell Sehun all about how the walls seemed to come down on him after Chanyeol shut down his pent up confession as soon as they walked out.

He wants to tell Sehun how he awoke from his drunken haze to Junmyeon threatening to call an ambulance if he passed out a fifth time, mere hours later. 

Jongin wants to tell Sehun about how he should have driven home the second Chanyeol stuck his head in the door and asked him what the bloody hell he thought he was doing. How he never deserved Chanyeol’s words of sympathy. How he never deserved to be driven to Chanyeol’s flat due to being too out of it to recite his own address. 

And how he never, ever should have seduced Chanyeol while knowing damn good and well that Chanyeol was nothing but a friendly colleague who was happily taken by a certain Byun Baekhyun.

And how utterly stupid he was to think that Chanyeol would be okay with it for the next few years to come.

Jongin tries swallowing the lump in his throat, which has grown so large that he fights the urge to gasp for air.

Sehun can’t know.

Jongin doesn’t even notice that he’s broken into a sweat until he worries his chest might explode from heat. To his frustration, he seems to be frozen in place and thus unable to remove his sweater, all while Sehun continues to stare at him with that annoyingly patient look on his face. 

Jongin hopes his throat hasn’t turned into sandpaper as he forces himself to speak. ”There was…something,” he blurts out.

Sehun barely even moves a muscle, almost like he was expecting to hear those very words. ”What ’something’, if I may ask?”

”Just...something, okay?” Jongin huffs. ”Something with… it, somebody's probably already told you, Chanyeol's probably told you.” While a part of him hopes to God that Chanyeol hasn't, Jongin will honestly take any excuse to derail the subject at this point. 

”Like I said, none of us are that close,” Sehun says, fiddling with one of the buttons on his watch. ”Not to mention Chanyeol and Baekhyun mostly keep to themselves unless they have errands to run," he adds before cocking his head aside. "So something happened between you and Chanyeol?”

Jongin is glad that he manages to swallow the words on his tongue at the very last second. ”Not really,” he practically whispers. ”I mean, I don’t know if you ever noticed, but we were kind of…close??? I mean, we used to be, at least.”

A contemplative look appears on Sehun’s face. ”I presume,” he hums. ”When was this?”

Jongin has to think away the nausea creeping up on him. ”During my very first year,” he mutters. ”Like, ten years ago.”

Sehun blinks before he slowly nods. ”I guess I do remember seeing you upstairs every now and then, if I’m not mistaken.”

”Yeah, it was…to be with him, I…guess,” Jongin says, wanting to slap himself for sounding like a schoolgirl in love. ”Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I sort of…liked him…I guess.” He isn’t completely lying, but he figures that the words ’entirely enamored’ would have Sehun flying out of his seat in stitches.

Sehun’s expression is unreadable until he clears his throat. ”Can’t say I expected that,” he chuckles with a shrug. ”I mean, you guys did hang out for a while at the beginning, but everyone kind of assumed that it was because he was chosen to be your mentor.” He crosses his legs under the table.

Jongin has to shift so that his thighs don’t go numb. ”He was,” he sighs before a small smile tugs on the corner of his lips. ”Miss ordered him to guide me through the computer system.” He absently fiddles with the salt shaker when he reminisces just how adamant Chanyeol was on teaching him everything from A to Z. ”He was so…persistent, making sure I understood everything, it was kind of funny. Like, this one time he stayed behind on a Friday evening just because I couldn’t remember how to archive emails.” 

Jongin is glad that he accidentally pops the lid to the salt shaker, because all the white powder flying around suddenly reminds him about the fact that he’s rambling and definitely boring Sehun to death. Thankfully, Sehun doesn’t look too bored, but it does little to relieve the cramping in Jongins chest as they fall into silence again.

It’s not until they've been silent for minutes that Sehun speaks. ”I mean, that’s great, honestly,” he says with a smile so fond that Jongin wants to cry. ”Can’t say I knew you had a thing for him, since you didn’t seem to be hanging out as much after a while. But you know what they say about the schedules in that place.”

Jongin wants to laugh. It takes him every fiber in his being to tell Sehun that he’s right about his and Chanyeol’s friendship coming to a dead end, but not due to their anxiety inducing hours. ”Yeah, I…guess.”

”But that's a shame really,” Sehun says with a pout that makes Jongin want to flip the table clear across the room. "He seemed really fond of you."

Jongin wishes that he was as extroverted as Sehun, because he could definitely use a sprinkle of blindly-optimistic fairy dust right about now. ”He didn’t like me, though,” he blurts out and fights the urge to slap a hand over his mouth. ”I mean, he liked me, but…yeah.”  

”I see,” Sehun hums before something seems to hit him. ”Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but I take it that the wedding must be…you know.”

Jongin’s head feels so stuffed with cotton that he’s surprised he manages a nod. Frankly, he’s beaten himself up over Chanyeol’s relationship with Baekhyun long before their engagement even made it to the public, but he doesn’t comment on it.

”I understand,” Sehun says after Jongin sighs to himself. ”I wish I could-”

”I didn’t mean to,” Jongin blurts out and inwardly cringes when his voice cracks. ”I mean…you know, to say it.” He stares at a loose thread on the tablecloth until his eyes ache. ”To call him…that.”

Sehun emits a small laugh. ”It’s fine, I'm not too hung up on that, anyway,” he says. ”Plus, I know you respect Baekhyun enough to not mean it.”

Jongin nods. He’s relieved that somebody can read his mind, because if he could, he would scream just how much he respects Baekhyun from a three hundred foot skyscraper. After this, he wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that he’s said similar things while spaced out before. But, if he has, Jongin wishes he could take all of it back. Because no matter how much he tries to deny it, he knows that Baekhyun and Chanyeol deserve this. And Jongin doesn’t know what he might do if it were to end up crumbling all because of him.

”So, if I'm interpreting this correctly,” Sehun says after leaning in closer. ”And I apologize if this is too intrusive, but..." He nods at the staircase. "Is the reason behind your consistent late night drinking due to your past feelings for Chanyeol?”

Jongin shivers at the straightforwardness in Sehun's tone. ”You...could say that,” he murmurs. If he had it in him to spill the whole story, he would, but he just isn’t ready for Sehun to storm out of the house without wanting to see him ever again. At least not right now.

Sehun is silent for a while, expression shifting as he seemingly contemplates his next words. Jongin can’t help but assume that Sehun must be looking for the right words as to not hurt him, almost like he’s some fragile being on the verge of shattering. Now, Jongin doesn’t know what it is, but there’s something about the way Sehun fiddles with his watch while he’s deep in thought that mesmerizes him more than he’d like to admit. In fact, Jongin would be lying if he said that the simple gesture wasn’t awfully soothing. 

Jongin has to look away in worry of falling into a permanent trance, so he opts to stare at Sehun’s perfectly styled hair while he waits for a response that he knows might never come. By the looks of its coarseness, Sehun’s hair has probably seen better days, since he seems to be the type to dye his hair every month (probably even more often than Chanyeol, which is saying something). Despite that, there’s something about it that makes Jongin want to reach out and card his fingers through it. Come to think of it, Jongin wouldn’t be surprised if Sehun’s bathroom was chocked full of hair products. He also wouldn’t be surprised if Sehun gets up extra early to do his hair before coming to the office, but he’d rather die than ask. 

It’s not until he manages to tell the time on Sehun’s (upside down) watch that Jongin realizes that he’s probably long overdue to meet Jungah at the park. She’s probably not even concerned, given how used she is to him failing to show up most of the time. As a matter of fact, Jongin wouldn’t bat an eyelash if Jungah forgot all about their plans to meet up, but he figures that it’s the least he can do, knowing that it might be days or weeks until they get another day like this to themselves.

Except Jongin wishes that he hadn’t flown out of his seat, because his bottled up vertigo sends him tumbling to the floor before he can register what's going on. With the carpet less than an inch from his face, Jongin hardly hears Sehun getting out of his seat over the loud ringing in his ears. He seriously regrets sitting with his legs crossed for so long, since he’s unable to walk three steps without toppling over again. 

Jongin gives up on remaining vertical when he notices Sehun staring at him. Despite being unable to hear what Sehun frantically asks him, Jongin ends up murmuring something in response before letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Even though he should be on his way right now, he knows that Lisa brings her more company than he ever will (or has, for that matter). Not to mention he couldn’t get up even if he tried. At least not with the invisible boulder weighing his chest down.

At some point during the silence, Jongin registers Sehun sitting down next to him. Even with the afternoon sun filling the kitchen, the apartment feels emptier than it ever has before. Come to think of it, Jongin can't recall the last time he had guests over. In fact, he doubts that the apartment has seen anybody besides him, Jungah and the landlord for the past ten years. Well, and the husband and wife that visited for five hours back in 2009, to whom Jongin had hoped, and failed, to sell the apartment after finding out that he was expecting a child.

A familiar saltiness tingles Jongin's lower lip. He has no idea why Sehun is wasting his weekend on some colleague he hardly sees, but the fact that Sehun is willingly choosing to stick around makes Jongin feel less embarrassed about the loud sob that shakes the walls.

”You know, things like this aren’t easy to talk about,” Sehun hums as he wipes Jongin’s eyes, ”so I really do appreciate you telling me.”

Jongin finds himself resting his head on Sehun’s lap before he can stop himself. If he could, he would melt into a puddle of goop when Sehun’s warmth, combined with his strong perfume, fills his head. Jongin figures that he must look like Jungah whenever she curls up next to him in bed due to feeling lonely at night. But she doesn’t do that anymore, not for a good three years. Not with him, anyway.

Neither his nor Lisa’s mother has given him a call ever since Jungah left home an hour ago. Jongin isn’t surprised, but a tiny part of him had hoped that Jungah would ask one of them to call him up and ask him to come join her. But she hasn’t, and he hates himself for not being used to it by now.

Somewhere outside, a neighbor complains about ’some rich ’ parking her Porsche right in front of their gate, but Jongin drowns them out when Sehun ruffles his hair. For a fraction of a second, Jongin feels nothing but his own chest trembling and Sehun's fingers massaging his scalp.