We raced passed the next few weeks and finally our debut was released. I want to say that it was everything I imagined it to be. I want to say that finally I got my dream. I want to say that now we debut, I got to say finally I’m an idol.

I was wrong.

The variety show, Big Bang: The Beginning, was streamed over a million times online so by the time we debuted, we had already garnered a fanbase… or should I say the four other members did.

Even though I made it as a member, all of them made me feel like I still didn’t belong there. All the other fours had talent that could be seen from a mile away.

I lacked that… Every single one of them showed it.

The fans didn’t like me…

Although we had already debuted, I felt like I was back to square one. All the members felt like they were soaring high. You could see it in the way they all shined on stage.

Even when Daesung didn’t hit those high notes at the bridge of La La La, his smiles always reached his eyes. Even when Seunghyun didn’t get the moves of the choreography correctly, he would continue to dance with as much energy. Youngbae and Jiyong preformed exactly as they practiced every time.

They were all perfect.

I hit all my high notes exactly right. All my moves were done to perfection. I smiled and performed exactly right but something was missing. I was bland. My performances were bland.

The members never said anything about it, but everyone constantly pointed it out on our online fan café.

“Hyung, am I supposed to be here? Am I allowed to stand beside all of you?”

Jiyong slammed my laptop close and pushed it to the foot of the bed. He yanked my face to look at his directly in the eyes.

“Don’t you dare say that. You aren’t part of Big Bang, you are Big Bang. You are Big Bang as much as any of us are Big Bang. This entire group would never function without you. Do you understand that?”

“No, I don’t because even you hated me at the start. It took you a year before you started talking to me.”

“That’s not entirely true, Seungri… I know I favoured Hyunseung at the start… I know. But when both of you got were given another chance, I knew that Hyunseung would never have added anything new to this group unlike you. I didn’t like you yet, but I knew you were the better choice. I was proven right when you sang Haru Haru in front of us. When I texted you, I wasn’t sure if you were going to listen, but I wanted you to sing in front of me. To show me something you didn’t show before.”

“You’re like a Kinder Surprise. The chocolate is great, but we’re all wanting that adorable toy inside.”

“They’re not going to see that because we are new, but we’re going to show them. You’re going show them. None of this doing things robotically. Do the things we have to, dance and sing like we have to, but add yourself into the performance. Add Seunghyun. Add victory into your performance and they’ll fall in love with you.”

“You won me over. I am the hardest person to win over, but you won me over. You can win anyone over, easy. You’re my little winner, my glorious Victory. Do you understand that?”

I understood what he was trying to tell me. It was moments like this that I realized hyung was the best.

No one was ever going to love me like how Jiyong hyung loved me.

But that’s a mere after-thought.