I woke up before Jiyong hyung and got through my usual morning routine- preparing breakfast and rushing to get ready for another busy day.

Jiyong didn’t mention what happened the night before to me. We didn’t really talk about my little episode, but he continued to baby me. At this point, I began to accept that that was just how Jiyong hyung was.

He could be a total snob to people he didn’t like, but almost too clingy to those he did like.

Although we never talked about the reason for my attack, he continued his nightly visits… well, I should say early dawn visits.

I would be fast asleep by 12 or 1 am, but routinely get woken up at around 2 or 3 am by arms wrapping around my shoulders almost every night. Hyung would come in after staying up writing music and lyrics, and sleep on my bed instead of being in his room.

This routine of his, although let my mind sleep more comfortably, caused my body physical exhaustion. Sleeping with my back completely glued to the wall was anything but comfortable. That and having someone cuddle me every night was not something I was used to.

Jiyong hyung wasn’t the only one that was clinging to me lately. I noticed that Youngbae hyung was being more and more playful with me. Almost purposefully stealing my attention from Jiyong. Although it was in Youngbae’s nature to be playful, I’m sure a part of him is doing it to remind Jiyong of boundaries.

Something that was going to cause my 16-year-old-brain confusion apparently.

My relationship with Seunghyun hyung and Daesung hyung also improved. Daesung was always polite and smiley, but lately we’ve had times where we were able to just casually share meals together, just the two of us. Seunghyun hyung, on the other hand, was always the open one. Open and weird. Getting along with him isn’t hard at all. He likes to feed people and share ideas for food.

I was grateful in their endeavors to foster a relationship with me.

Suffice to say I was slowly finding my place within these four incredibly talented boys. I was starting to feel like I belonged here, with them. They made me feel like I belonged here, with them.

Seunghyun wins again.

However, I guess in life there’s that saying… that saying that everyone keeps repeating.

You win some, you lose some.

Something people say again and again because its not possible to keep winning in life. You can’t keep winning. Everyone has a winning streak that’s destined to break.

Divine intervention wasn’t kind in reminding me that the probability of breaking my winning streak only kept increasing.

A few weeks before our official debut, the practices where getting more intense as we sought perfection, yet they were getting shorter as everything was already embedded in our muscle memory.

One thing I noticed about Jiyong during these weeks was that he was attentive towards everything. Well I knew that from the beginning. He was attentive to everyone’s mistakes regardless of how minute. He was attentive towards me, relentless in showing affection through excessive physical intimacy. He was attentive in perfecting his rap and singing. He was attentive in his processes, never failing to write two songs every night even if they were just lyrics.

He was attentive.  

He was also incredible attentive to his phone.

At the start, I thought he was just messaging his family.

Turns out I was very wrong.

Two weeks before our official debut was when I finally had the opportunity to listen to our debut songs, our EP. In it contained a remix version of Maroon Five’s This Love. The words re-written by Jiyong.

“Youngbae hyung, this song… the lyrics were rewritten by Jiyong hyung?”

I asked, as I sat on the computer chair in the recording studio. The question made both Seunghyun hyung and Daesung hyung look up at me in confusion.

“Yeah, he rewrote the lyrics and Hyung Suk hyung liked it, so it was added in for our release. It’s about Jiyong’s girlfriend…well… ex-girlfriend…well…if you could call them that… it was complicated.”

Youngbae ended that statement slightly hesitantly.

I didn’t know about that. I felt a little sting in my chest.

I guess I am starting to misunderstand.

Apparently Jiyong hyung had been with someone, referred to as J, who already had a boyfriend. This all went down during the weeks that we were getting close to each other. When Jiyong hyung was growing fonder of me.

What I couldn’t work out was how he had managed to write lyrics like that for a girl that he technically wasn’t even dating. A girl that he knew full well was messing with him. How he could be so devoted in constantly texting her and grovelling when he could to be with her. Well at least that’s what Youngbae hyung told me.

Actually, that’s a lie. What I couldn’t work out was why I felt slightly wronged by the entire situation. I almost feel like he should have told me. I don’t know why I feel like he’s obligated to inform me about his romantic pursuits, but it feels like something that should be said so that one party in a confusing relationship don’t misunderstand their position.

So that I don’t misunderstand my position.

I guess Youngbae was right. This is confusing.

My winning streak broke.