Kwon Jiyong was the epitome of complicated. He was that type of madness where you would see too much but never have the pleasure of understanding any of it.

He loved to pour his heart and soul into his music. His words are always so raw.

But despite the honesty and rawness of his words, the delivery was always so damn cryptic. The type to tell you too much but leaving you to understand only so little of it.

That’s called madness…

That’s called artistry.

After those moments we shared together, his affections only increased. Hyung learned to open his heart to me…. And once he started, it wasn’t the slowly, loving affections that could warm a friend’s heart. One that could create a friendship that lasted a lifetime.  

It was an endless flood of affections coming at me. It was suffocating but so satisfying.

The following night, we had dinner out with YG staff as they had finally finalised the songs we would debut with. We would start recording, dance practices, and filming next week.

Jiyong got me to sit beside him. He would keep adding more meat and rice in my plate even though we could only get a limited number of servings.

When we arrived home and all the other members would just jump into bed, he would stay up with me to watch dramas… Princess Hours. He liked it. I liked it.

He would shuffle close to me when we’re on the couch.

It felt so good to win him over.

But it was baby love. He coddled me. He took care of me. He wanted the best for me.

I still wasn’t an equal. I wasn’t like Youngbae hyung. At the age of 16, I didn’t understand why I was different.

When we started recording for our debut song, La La La, he would stay up to help me control my voice. I was still going through puberty, so my voice wasn’t as settled as his or Youngbae hyung’s. It would often crack.

Crack…

“Lee Seung Hyun, stop singing from your throat. I can see that damn throat tightening.”

“Sing from your stomach. “

“This should tighten.” He pressed on my lower chest.

“Not this.” He lightly brushed over my throat, over my Adam’s apple. The touch felt good.

Light tingles… I felt light tingles from my ears to my fingertips.

My cheeks flushed a little. My ears flushed too much.

“Yes, hyung.”

The next day, I was walking through YG hallways, headed to the recording studio. The hyungs had gone earlier while I was working on the choreography of La La La. That meant that I had to do recordings only after I finished a segment of choreography.

The door to the studio was left ajar, voices could be heard.

“Jiyong, I saw what happened last night. That wasn’t okay.”

“Ji, he’s still 16 years old. This is the age where everything gets confusing. It doesn’t help that he’s debuting now with us. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t understand yet. The last thing he needs are actions that will confuse him.”

“I know that. I know. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just mentoring him.”

“There’s nothing to my actions… but I will be careful.”

“That’s what I’m expecting, Ji. I’m not saying this for you. You’re turning 19 soon. We’re considered adults. We’ve known the expectations and demands of this entire industry since we were 13. He’s 16. He doesn’t. I’m saying this for Seunghyun’s sake.”

The hyungs should learn to close doors properly…

I walked away.

I came back 30 minutes later, just in time for when I was supposed to start recording.

Seated on the couch of the studio was Jiyong. He looked up from his phone. I stared at him for a while, my vision blurred slightly as my eyes watered. The edges of my lips were slowly inching down as I was ready to burst into tears.

I bit my lip.

I’m not crying in front of him.

Jiyong hyung would feel bad. He’s done nothing wrong, I thought. Youngbae hyung is wrong. I’m not going to misunderstand anything.

I nodded at Jiyong hyung to greet him, as I held back my tears The recording went well. I sung everything correctly just as I did last night, just like how Jiyong hyung taught me how to do it. He smiled at me through the see-through glass. He was satisfied with my singing.

When we arrived back to our dorm, I rushed to my room. I felt like suffocating. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I mean there really was nothing wrong with what Jiyong hyung did. He did nothing wrong. I mean yes, I reacted differently from what I expected but I mean that’s a little thing. There was nothing to be sad about… but for some reason, I felt an uncontrollable sadness. I couldn’t hear my sobs, but gasps of breath broke the silence every few seconds.

What is wrong with me today?

I sunk to my knees. My chest was aching. It hurt so ing much. I couldn’t breathe.

What is going on?

It felt like forever, but suddenly a gasp of breath brought me back to my senses. That’s right, breathe. I need to breathe.

When I looked up from the ground, Jiyong hyung was standing by the doorway, looking down at me with a heartbroken expression. There was so much sadness in that face that was usually graced with a dismissive expression or a cheeky grin.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to me, sinking on to his knees.

“Hyung, something’s wrong with me.” My voice cracking. I was panicking but a part of me was also calm.

“I couldn’t breathe, and my chest was hurting so much.” I held his shoulders, as I tried to grasp some semblance of reality.

“What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m sick.” The tears and snot wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get my chest to stop tightening.

Stop tightening, damn it. I can’t ing breathe.

“Shhhhhhhh…” Hyung just pressed my face to his neck. His hand on my hair as his other hand pressed my back to move closer to him. It was uncomfortable. My back hurt. He kept me in his arms for forever.

Gradually, the tightening in my chest stopped. My breathing was slowly becoming controlled. Jiyong peeled me off his body and dragged me into my bed. He pulled the sheets over both of us as he placed me back to rest my head against his arm.

“Hyung, I’m not sick?” I still didn’t understand what that was. Maybe I had a heart condition.

“Seunghyun… you’re not sick. That was a panic attack.”

Oh…