“Can’t repeat the past? Why of course you can!”

-          F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

At 27, I understand that life is but a painful cycle. People don’t want to learn and, at the very least, the past is predictable.

It’s easy to blame Jiyong for what’s happening between us. Despite only having a two-year gap between us, he’s acted like it was twenty.

But I’m not completely unreasonable. This is also my fault.

I’ve placed such a great burden on him as I off-loaded feelings of negativity. I’ve drowned myself in his presence and attention to ignore my loneliness and insecurities.

As much as I hated not knowing where I stood, I hated missing him more.

A few weeks down the line, hyung and I found a medium.

I was sitting outside on the top floor of our dorm building, trying to give my brain a break.

I was thrilled and excited that Lies was going to be released in two weeks. I know the fans are going to love it. Hyung is a genius for creating such a beautiful song. I just hope they’re going to be okay with me singing so much of it.

“Seungri, what are you doing up here?”

I heard Jiyong’s voice behind me followed by the sound of the door being closed. I turned around looking at him as I waited for him to take a seat beside me.  

He placed a spare jacket that he’d brought with him around my shoulders.

“Nothing, the cold it is calming me down.” I said with a small voice, uncertain due to the transience of whatever’s between us.

“Ah, are you nervous about the release?”

“Not really. I just know they’re going to love it. Hyung, you’re a genius.”

A small laugh escaped from his lips, a shy laugh. I looked over to see him looking at me, biting his lower lip so he doesn’t let out a smile too big.

Sometimes, I get the urge to tell him not to hold back his smiles because its my favourite. He shines when his smiles reach his eyes- when his smiles are a complex combination of overwhelming happiness and shyness.

“Hyung, don’t ignore me… please. It’s too hard.” His face fell, any remnants of that smile that I’ve come to crave is gone.

He placed an arm around my shoulder as he leaned the side of his forehead against mine. We were silent for a while, just looking at the clear, night sky.

“I won’t. Ignoring you was too hard when all I want to do is suffocate you with my presence.”

“But I can’t do that either. I just need to find the middle, right?”

“Yeah… the middle…”

“Seungri, you’ll find the middle for me as well, won’t you?”

“Of course, hyung.”

Ah, hyung really is just as confused as I am.  We don’t know where to put ourselves when it comes to each other.

“Where did you get your inspiration from?

“From Seungri.”

“What do you mean?”

“I only need to look at him and inspiration comes.”

As I predicted, Lies became a huge success. Not only because the song was new and fresh, but because it was the first time an idol group was releasing a song that was written and produced by one of its members.

Hyung was loved. Unsurprisingly, so was I. The fans grew to love me too as my presence in Lies was so prominent.

“Jiyong hyung, thank you.”

“Stupid, I didn’t do it because I wanted them to love you. I did it because I love you.” He brushed a hand over my short hair.

It was soft affection since that night. Hyung was no longer ignoring me nor drowning me in affection. He was just like all the other hyungs now.

I was grateful for that.

We found our middle ground.

Along with the success of Lies, was the downfall of my relationship with her. I became so busy with promotions and lives that it was impossible to see her regularly.

Although I say that. I knew there was another reason we were parting.

She wasn’t angry though.

“Even though it wasn’t for very long, I wish you spoke about me with as much affection and adoration in your voice and in your eyes, as you do whenever you speak about him.”

On a rainy afternoon, she said goodbye with a sad smile.

I walked back into the dorm, overwhelmed by the tightness in my chest. This stupid weather was only making me more depressed.

Jiyong was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching some weird historical drama.

I didn’t feel like sitting in my room by myself, so I walked up to him. I plopped myself behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I leaned my head against his back, seeking comfort.

“Sorry hyung, just for a while, let me do this.”

“Did she dump you?” His voice trailed but his attention still towards the screen in front of him.

I nodded my head against his back instead of giving him a vocal response. I wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“Do you feel like it’s the end of the world right now?” He unraveled my linked hands that was on his stomach then proceeded to intertwine our fingers together.

“I think I’m sad because I feel and know that it’s not. I want to be affected by this with the same devastation as when other people break up… But I don’t.”

“I just feel empty.”