G-Dragon was art. A chaotic arrangement of colours spread seemingly arbitrarily upon a white canvas- modern art they’d say. Beautifully yet purposefully archaic. It was easy to understand why he captured the hearts of many considering he was that quiet, unruly type that we all romanticized.

Kwon Ji Yong, on the other hand, was a mess. A person that is so absorbed in playing a character, he often forgot who he was. Obsessed with love and anything dark to write his next single for his perfect alter ego. So much so that he often gets into relationships for the sake of love, rather than the person with whom he’s entering a relationship with.

The first time I met him, disgust and disdain evident in his eyes. The way he looked down on me, as if I had nothing to show. Evidently, in the next coming months, I helped him prove himself right.

Big Bang: The Beginning, a show that introduced 6 teenagers to the world, presented to be the first idol group under YG entertainment. Lee Seunghyun, a boy, introduced to 5 incredibly talented teenagers who had potential to be real idols.

I knew I was severely out of place. I knew. Everyone knew. But out of everyone, one person showed it. Head to toe, he showed me that everything I did was inferior not only in comparison to him, but in comparison to everyone.

From the age of 13 years old I had been recognized as one of the two best dancers in Gwangju, I was great. Participating in our region’s top dance group, Il Hwa, I had something to show. It didn’t come as a surprise to me or any of my fellow members when I was later invited to participate in Let’s Coke Play. Although I was eventually eliminated, I knew I had received an opening to start my career as an idol. I was set…

I was 15 when I was scouted by YG entertainment to audition in their first idol group. I had so much confidence. At 15 years old, I was confident I could succeed in debuting with this idol group. That confidence, however, was chipped at day by day by the people around me.

After my successful audition, I was asked to come to YG Entertainment to meet the rest of the members that would be part of the idol group.

Walking past several dark hallways, I was ushered into a big, bright dance room. Upon entering, the first thing I saw were a pair of beautiful, dark, brown eyes. Not beautiful because they glittered or shined or whatever bull people spouted. Beautiful because it showed me how insignificant I could be to others. A pair of eyes that almost put me in my place. At that moment, I realized I had entered something severely out of my league.

He stared me down… He didn’t like me… He hated me…

I didn’t belong here…

Kwon Ji Yong… Dong Young Bae… Choi Seunghyun… Kang Daesung… Jang Hyunseung…

The five members I was supposed to compete with to earn my place as a member of this idol group.

There was something different about him… Kwon Ji Yong.

Something superior. Something that drew people in. He knew it. They people he graced with his attention knew it. He made people feel like they needed his attention. Yet at the same time, he made people feel like they didn’t deserve his attention. This push and pull effect he had on people.

This boy is supposed to be here. Even someone as important as Yang Hyun Suk treated Ji Yong hyung as someone special. YG’s treasure. He was a gold mine waiting to be mined. Despite having to compete in this reality show, he was already guaranteed a spot.

Ji Yong hyung could sing, rap, dance, talk better than all the 5 other members. He was guaranteed a spot. We all knew it.

Although he didn’t always look the idol part, as soon as anyone was in his presence, they feel it. That aura of someone that’s about themselves. Better than them. A diva-like presence.

“What about Youngbae and I?”

“What about us?”

“We’ve been training for 6 years.”

“We’re supposed to debut as GDYB.”

“What about us?”

He wasn’t happy. We weren’t supposed to be here. I wasn’t supposed to be here.

The door to the dance room left ajar, I listened into their conversation as Ji Yong hyung voiced his complaints. I saw Youngbae hyung sitting in the corner looking resigned. He had accepted this. I suppose being under an entertainment studio, they didn’t have much of a choice really. We’re all just kids under the rule of money and power.

He walked out of the room and saw me… glared at me. He knew I heard the conversation. He knew I knew he didn’t like me.

From that glare, our relationship for the next year was determined. He ignored me. Whenever I asked him a question, he would not answer. He treated me like a ghost.

The only time I’d hear his voice directed at me was during dance practice, when he needed to lead us and show us the right moves. When he didn’t like something I did. When I made a mistake.

To be rejected by someone as great at Ji Yong hyung was disheartening. Even if I were to succeed under this idol group, which he is already guaranteed a spot in, it still wouldn’t really work… right? He didn’t like me. I wanted him to like. I wanted him to approve of me. I wanted him to validate me. He knew that.

Our dorm had four bedrooms. Ji Yong hyung shared a bedroom with Youngbae hyung and Seunghyun hyung. Daesung hyung and Hyunseung hyung shared a bedroom, while I was by myself in a room with all of our clothes. I liked it this way because this meant I could be alone when I needed to be. I hated it because I was always left alone.

Our days started in early at 6 am without fail. Practicing… dancing… singing… training… All of it while being filmed. All of it while being criticised… All of their criticisms later would be televised…

Our nights mostly ended at 1am. Sometimes if we did something right, at 12am. If we couldn’t get anything right, at 2am.

One the rare nights I got to finish early, I would sit in the lounge at the dorm and watch dramas. It was the only time I’d get to hear other people’s voice that wasn’t trying to tear down my confidence. Only words I’d get to hear that wasn’t trying to waver my determination. Voices that weren’t painful to listen to.

Well that and Youngbae hyung. Youngbae hyung liked me. He liked everyone. He was nice.

But his attention would always be towards Ji Yong hyung. Those two worked perfectly together.

Eight months in, the news I’d been dreading finally came. Hyunseung and I were being cut out of the Big Bang. The world I’d started to create for myself in the last eight months was being taken away. Funnily enough, I saw it coming.

“You’re a good dancer.”

“But we don’t need dancers.”

“We need singers…”

What have I been doing for the last eight months?

Hyunseung hyung left first. He was picked up by his mother. All the members were there. They were all crying as they said goodbye, while I was in my room packing my belongings.

I had to travel using the bus. Only Youngbae hyung came to see me off along with Sean hyung. I waved frantically but there was only two people to really say goodbye to.

Yang Hyun Suk gave us another chance. He gave both of us another chance to compete to see who could fill the final gap for his idol group.

“There’s a 10 percent chance you’ll make it.”

The presentation would happen in two weeks. I had two weeks to turn this around. I had two weeks to prove I was something.

A text from a number I don’t recognized.

Sing – unknown number

Five reasons why I should be in Big Bang… I give you five reasons why I should be here.

First, I fit the maknae image. Second, dancing- I have experience in performance and choreography. Third, concept. I can draw fans in with my cute, smooth, and playful image. Fourth, my confidence. Fifth, I don’t have a fifth reason. If you give me this opportunity I will work hard.

The fifth reason is Haru Haru.

Haru Haru, the song I chose to sing. The song I chose to perfect. The song I chose to present to the Yang Hyun Suk, to the four members of Big Bang, to Hyunseung hyung, my fellow competitor, that I deserve this last spot.