Thinking of how wonderful it’d be if your best friend and brother’s engagement broke off was a selfish thought, to put it in kinder words. As Yixing watched Minseok showing off his engagement ring, he was aware of how cruel the ideas in his head sounded and how hypocritical he was being while smiling as if he shared the same excitement as everyone around the booth had. If one of his friends were able to read into his thoughts, they’d be horrified.

Smiling devoid of happiness, laughing without humor, hiding that horrid jealousy that engulfed his heart, pain, aching, shame. The symptoms of unrequited loved were a misery to the ailing, and Yixing had the misfortune of suffering from it. The lovesickness had been going on for months. He hadn’t been able to heal by running away from it either, not when he didn’t have any valid reasons to stay away, Minseok was his brother, Junmyeon was his best friend of many years. Yixing couldn’t tell his brother that he didn’t want to be around them anymore because he was in love with Junmyeon. Sure, he sometimes had canceled plans at the last minute, pretended to be sick or said he had to substitute for someone at work, but in the long run that couldn’t work.

It had become tiresome, waking up every day, empty, alone and bereft while seeing them together. Imagining that for some reason there could be a way to break them apart, then heal himself and make Junmyeon his, brought Yixing an inexplicable calm. Would he ever act upon those thoughts? It shamed him to know that he couldn’t say no right away, but he wanted to believe the answer wasn’t yes either.

“A toast to Minseok and Junmyeon!” Jongdae’s voice echoed in the bar as he rounded off his speech, making the nearby guests turn their heads towards them, “One of the best couples I’ve ever met, after Hunnie and me of course,” he said making his friends laugh. “But in all seriousness, guys, we’re all so happy for you, and we wish for nothing but your happiness.” The rest agreed instantly, nodding their heads at Jongdae’s words. The emotional atmosphere was cut off after Jongdae shouted, “And to Chanyeol of course! For turning twenty-nine years soon!”

The clinking of glasses accompanied by jubilant words resonated once Jongdae had finished.

With Minseok and Junmyeon returning from their anniversary trip, bringing the good news, and Chanyeol’s birthday being at midnight, the group had gathered to celebrate both happenings at once.

The story of how Junmyeon proposed to Minseok was retold, every cloying detail. It had become like a broken record to Yixing’s ears. He had been hearing about it from Junmyeon these past weeks, the same night it happened from Minseok on the phone, when Minseok told it to Yixing’s mother, and so on. By now, Yixing had learned to filter the noise and the sickly happiness, but his outer appearance had to say otherwise as he showed a content countenance, a nod from time to time, laughter to join with his friends.

Of all the grinning cheeks, Junmyeon’s shone the brightest under the dim light. And when Junmyeon’s eyes found Yixing’s way, he saw them sparkle even more, or at least he thought so. A genuine smile formed on Yixing’s lips for the first time amid the story. He hated how a simple gesture from Junmyeon could bring his heart to the skies only to fall down with the same impetus and shatter into fragments when Junmyeon looked at Minseok instead.

Sometimes Yixing also hated himself for feeling this way for his brother’s now fiancé. The reflection on the mirror showed a traitor for not being able to be genuinely happy for Minseok and Junmyeon. A liar for continually hiding what he felt, fooling two of the people he appreciated in his life. Disgusting for sometimes to thoughts of Junmyeon and him in intimate positions. Despicable for thinking that it should be him who sat next to Junmyeon, telling their friends about how they got engaged on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Yet as much as Yixing had prayed for it to end, it didn’t.

Miracles don’t come true, Yixing, that was what his mother used to say.

There was a myriad of reasons to love Junmyeon, Minseok had discovered all of them, and they had been together for three years now. But Yixing hadn’t wished to find out what loving Junmyeon was like. Until months ago, he remembered thinking of Junmyeon as his best friend since high school, a close friend he talked daily with, hung out with along with their other mutual friends every week or so. Until what had started as one skipping heartbeat continued building upon itself like a snowball rolling down a slope. Suddenly Junmyeon had become everything he could think of at times, butterfly wings whirred inside of him in Junmyeon’s presence, a longing to be with him, a need to see him every day, and so much else emerged that it caught Yixing off guard, but he knew. He had fallen in love with Junmyeon. The timing of the discovery and admittance hadn’t been the most optimal, however. Yixing had prayed for a miracle that his feelings would vanish because, with Junmyeon thinking of proposing to Minseok, it was as clear as glass that there would never be anything between them. That had been two months ago, and his miracle still hadn’t come true. All Yixing could do was to keep watching the person he loved love someone else, a someone else that Yixing happened to love as well, just in entirely different ways.

He struggled to hold back the lump in his throat every single time he glanced down and saw Junmyeon and Minseok holding hands on the table, the silver ring shining his way. Yixing had picked that ring because Junmyeon believed he had no sense of style and needed Yixing’s judgment to select the proper one. Reluctantly, Yixing had followed him to the store. Selfishly, he didn’t even think of what Minseok would like but chose a ring as if it had been for him. He blatantly lied and said Minseok would love it. By coincidence, Minseok did end up liking the ring. His brother had put their hands as his Facebook profile picture almost minutes after the engagement happened. Junmyeon had been so grateful for Yixing’s help that he had gifted him five-kilograms of Yixing’s favorite melon seeds. Yixing believed that he had been stupid, he should have chosen the ring he hated.

As the night went on, the group continued having a good time celebrating. Junmyeon and Minseok told more stories from Paris. Sehun and Jongdae couldn’t attend their previous gatherings, so they updated the group on their lives, their new house and their plans to start a family next year. Chanyeol told anecdotes of him and his newly adopted puppy, Toben, his birthday gift for himself. Baekhyun talked about the new guy from the gym that he was seeing. Yixing’s love life had stagnated, the only exciting thing he could mention was his office getting a new coffee machine. And so, the group lost more time telling stories from their lives and other conversation topics amid drinks and snacks.

Drinking may have helped to forget, at least momentarily. But unlike his friends, Yixing drank only in small quantities due to rather low alcohol tolerance. If Yixing let go, he’ll end up doing things he’ll regret the next morning like that time during his second year of university when he tattooed a duck on his back. He hated beaked animals. Removing the tattoo was indisputable, but the whole shebang had made Junmyeon laugh and smile so hard during a time in which Junmyeon’s mother wasn’t in good health. But with everything Yixing carried at this moment, he couldn’t allow himself to lose his inhibitions.

More than enjoying spending time with his friends, Yixing thought of how much he would rather be somewhere else, away from two of people that were hurting him the most.

Minutes after midnight and having sung happy birthday to a gleeful Chanyeol, Yixing stood outside the bar. People were walking down the streets, looking for a place to disconnect themselves, talking, smiling, being happy. He ran his hands through his arms in an attempt to stop shivering. Despite being cold, he opted not to go back in yet. Three hours, he had endured three hours around Junmyeon’s and Minseok’s nauseating joy. He wasn’t sure if he could handle more, fearing that the anguish might become too much he might drown in it.

How will this be after the wedding? Yixing asked himself for the nth time.

Minseok and Junmyeon would be married, eventually have children as well, grow old, and do all that stuff married people did. But, what about him? As the years went by, would he continue being this two-faced liar?

The thought of the scary future was interrupted when a red scarf wrapped around his neck. He turned his head around swiftly, alarmed of who had done that. Of course, Junmyeon stood next to him with smiling eyes and lips.

“So, you don’t freeze,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing felt his cheeks burn a little, something he could blame on the alcohol and Junmyeon wouldn’t find out of place. The scarf had that pleasant smell that was Junmyeon’s perfume, a scent Yixing had come to love. One time, after eating lunch Junmyeon had borrowed Yixing a shirt because he had accidentally stained Yixing’s with black bean noodles. It was an oversized white shirt just like the ones Junmyeon liked to wear under his sweaters. Yixing had said he’d return the shirt after washing it. That had been two months ago, and the shirt remained hanging in his closet. Was it pathetic that every time Yixing missed him to the point it almost hurt, he wore the shirt to bury himself on that heady scent? Was it pathetic that he found calmness in sometimes sleeping in it because he pretended Junmyeon was right next to him? It probably was.

“Mian,” he said. The nickname was the only other part of Junmyeon Yixing could say belonged to him. He had called him that ever since they were classmates in high school and Junmyeon asked Yixing to help him with his Chinese Mandarin lessons. Not even Minseok had taken the habit of calling him so. “What are you doing here?”

“You’ve been out here for some time. Is everything okay?” Junmyeon said, tilting his head to the side and looking at him slightly worried.

No. He feared, what if it never did?

“Yeah. I just needed fresh air.”

“Well, you just missed Baekhyun’s incredible cover of My heart will go on.”

Yixing chuckled. After a couple of drinks, Baekhyun got brave enough to forgot his stage fright and dared to perform on the karaoke stage. His English songs repertoire were the best as they were also accompanied by some choreography.

“Jongdae must have filmed it.” Mostly as a chance to embarrass Baekhyun afterward.

“But there’s nothing like the live performance,” Junmyeon said, laughing along with Yixing.

The mingling of people outside, the music coming from the bars and stores nearby filled the silence. Each gust of air Yixing took calmed him, he almost forgot of everything around him. The shivering had ceased a bit, but he kept his hands inside his pockets. If he were able to reach out and grab Junmyeon’s, he would have done so in a heartbeat, and possibly never let go.

“Xing,” Junmyeon broke the quietness.

“What?”

“Min and I are too excited, so, we’ve already begun planning and stuff. And well, we reached an agreement that works for both.”

Junmyeon drew a little closer, looking at him straight in the eye.

“Do you want to be my best man?”

Yixing’s eyes widened. Junmyeon had happiness all over him probably thinking that this would be another one of their projects in which they’ll have fun, enjoy and remember forever. But all Yixing could feel was horrible sadness at the thought of him being an active participant in Junmyeon’s wedding. It wasn’t the role he wanted. It should be him and Junmyeon. Hadn’t they promised that long ago?

I don’t want to. I hate it. It’ll . It makes me want to cry just thinking about you marrying someone else. Can’t you see I’m suffering here?

Stupid.

Yixing bit his lips to hold back the words he’ll only regret saying. His nails were hurting the palm of his hand from how hard he squeezed his fist. The more time that passed and he didn’t reply, made Junmyeon’s smile falter a bit. Could he ever say no to him?

“I’ll be happy to, Mian,” he said, at last, wondering how Junmyeon couldn’t notice his false smile? Or if he did, did he think it was because of Kyungsoo? Did Junmyeon believe Yixing was still feeling saddened that his ex-boyfriend had found someone new one month after breaking up? That not even one year had passed, and the man was already married? Everyone else certainly seemed to think that, which was a good thing for Yixing. Poor, old, lonely Yixing, who possibly got cheated on (Kyungsoo swore that had never happened, he just fell out of love), was still bitter over his ex. Well, that wasn’t as pathetic and alarming as pining for your brother’s fiancé, who happened to be your best friend as well.

At hearing his answer, Junmyeon did that gesture again, the one that could make Yixing’s heart race a mile. It turned worse when Junmyeon put an arm around Yixing’s shoulder to give him a quick side hug.

“Oh Xing, it’ll be so much fun.”

Yixing had a hard time believing it would.

 

---

 

Bliss awaited every time I closed my eyes because looking at the real world was abyss compared to the dreams in which you were mine, I was yours, you loved me, we loved each other. In here we belonged together. In here old memories could be manipulated, new scenarios created, the sky was the limit every time I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

If there was one regret I punished myself dreaming of, it was asking you out on a date. Our ideal date would be attending a baseball match together. Perhaps an unusual choice, but given the baseball fans we were, it felt right. Remember how we met because we had both been part of the baseball team in high school? Remember how we used to attend the first game of the season together? The funny thing was that we had done this so many times in the past… But neither of us had ever thought of it as being something more. It could have been as simple as me saying ‘Do you wanna go out with me?’ and you answering a joyful ‘yes.’

It was cruel how timing had played with me. If I had realized it sooner, then I could have swooned you with my love, then you would have been with me, then it would have been us together watching the upcoming season. But I was too late, and you were with someone else now. It was only as I closed my eyes that I can find comfort to make my longing real.

I was dreaming that you and I were wearing matching baseball t-shirts, except for the number one and number ten on the back, the numbers of our favorite players. You were wearing my blue baseball hat because I thought it looked better on you.

As we searched for our seats in the stadium, as always, you were eagerly telling me about the upcoming match. But we were holding hands, I loved holding your hand. You smiled widely when you realized which seats we had, this was a simulation, of course, I could do anything to make you smile. Then, your arms were around me, bringing me closer to you in an embrace and I thought I could feel your heartbeat, beating for me. My cheeks felt warm as I put my arms around you. No matter how many times I dreamed of this, how different it could be, we always hugged.

“Thank you, this is great,” I heard you say. You were smiling again, looking into my eyes the way you looked at him, making me almost believe this was true. And despite how pathetic it was, it caused my heart flutter. And it continued fluttering as we sat down when you held my hand again, tilted your head against my shoulder and I leaned into you as well.

Every time I breathed in, I could feel that sweet fragrance emanating from your hair. Do you know how giddy that scent made me feel? How quickly I could recognize it in the middle of a crowd? I’ve always wanted to tell you that your fragrance was like the bracing sea air. In my dream I finally could, so, I did. The smile you gave me was enough to make my knees feel a little weak.

Our first date continued with us enjoying the game, but I enjoyed your company much more. I loved that every time our team hit a home run, you’ll jump up from your seat, raise your arms and celebrate along with the crowd, just like you always did. But unlike in reality, here I dreamed that I used my baseball glove and caught the ball your favorite player had hit. You were looking at me fascinated when I handed it to you, and I liked to believed that you’ll put it on display at the apartment for everyone to see. Eagerly you would tell everyone the story of our first date, and how I caught this ball for you.

What happened after the match? Anything we wanted. I could take us to eat dinner: bibimbap at the restaurant in the corner of the block, sushi in Tokyo, macaroons in Paris, braised pork rice in Taipei, Mapo tofu in that place in Changsha, hot dogs and pretzels in New York. But no matter where we choose to go tonight, it would always end the same.

It would end with me holding your hand across the table, us looking at each other happily after a night of fun. I just had to lean in to steal a kiss from you. And I felt you coming to meet me halfway. It was a heavenly touch. Kissing your lips was one of my unattainable desires. I loved the texture of your lips against mine, the taste, and savor, even if it were all figments of my imaginations. I kept wondering, was this how paradise tasted like?

Dazedly, breathing in heavily, you stared at me. Your cheeks had this lovely color. Then you whispered, “Kiss me again.”

And I was so damn glad you did.

But of course, every moment of ours was timed, cursed to end as soon as it had come, slipping from my reach like water in my fist. A part of me broke every time my reverie was shattered. I could be in the middle of telling you how much you meant to me, holding you, having your arms around me, kissing, anything would suddenly be blurred and distorted by darkness as my ears caught the sound of a loud ringing bell.

My vision adjusted itself to the blinding lights as grey walls appeared along with an empty bed. The previous warmness dissipated and instead, I laid there cold, under complete silence. I looked at the ceiling, wondering if the chance to be with you will ever be at my grasp. If it ever were, I wouldn’t hesitate to grab it, hold onto it and never let go.

Because, of course, the moment I woke up you were gone, my love.

 

---

 

During the summer, in a venue near the Han River, was Minseok’s and Junmyeon’s chosen wedding location after it had suddenly become available when a couple had canceled their reservation. In six months from this day, Yixing would see them tie the knot. The notion made the pressure in his heart heavier, the gloominess prolonged.

Today, he was accompanying Junmyeon to pick up his wedding invitations from some stationary shop. Minseok was busy filling in for a fellow dentist this weekend, Yixing wasn’t busy and didn’t have any excuse to say no to Junmyeon. He may have enjoyed spending time with Junmyeon alone, without Minseok around to show the world that he was with him, but… It wasn’t enticing at all when the reason for their meeting was their wedding, something neither Junmyeon or Minseok got tired of babbling about. But as his best-man, this was Yixing’s duty, sort of.

As Yixing sat down on the train, Junmyeon stood in front of him holding on to the handgrip. It took him back to those times when they rode the morning train together to their high school, sometimes to university. Yixing had never noticed just how beautiful Junmyeon was. He had been aware of how good looking Junmyeon was among others, but he had never realized that every part of Junmyeon was ethereal, even the scar near his eyebrow was.

“Do you have any end of the year plans, Xing?” Junmyeon asked, making Yixing aware that he had been staring at him since three stops ago.

“More like at the start of the year. I’ll go see my family in Changsha for the Chinese New Year.”

Yixing had accepted to work at the office all throughout the holidays, unlike his co-workers who had children and whatnot, he was alone and had no reason to be free. Instead, he would take some days off at the end of January so he could return to Changsha. While the rest of his family lived there, it was only him and his mother currently residing in Seoul. They had moved to Seoul when Yixing was nine and when he was eleven, his mother got re-married to Minseok’s father. Although, he and Minseok were not blood-related, over time they had bonded and came to consider themselves brothers.

Junmyeon nodded while smiling. “Of course, the same as always. Laolao will be happy to see you.”

Yixing had never cared that Junmyeon called his grandma that way, heck Junmyeon even called Yixing’s mother as mama instead of some honorific. After all, he and Junmyeon had visited Changsha together in the summer of their first year of university, right before they back-packed through Hunan, a trip in which Yixing got to know more of his home province, and Junmyeon put his Mandarin skills into practice. He still remembers his laolao saying that Junmyeon was a keeper and he had merely laughed thinking of how silly it sounded back then. But the familiarity had another tone right now, an intimacy that Yixing knew just meant friendship, yet his heart wished it had been something more.

He didn’t have to ask Junmyeon what he’ll do. Quite frankly, he wasn’t even interested because Junmyeon will spend it Minseok, of course.

The stationary shop had many colors, various textures, and shapes. He walked around looking for a new weekly planner while Junmyeon spoke with the girl in charge of the shop. After a few minutes of search, he found one in leather and made his way back to the front desk.

“Xing, look,” Junmyeon exclaimed, almost jumping in place. “This is our invitation!”

Yixing took the golden envelope Junmyeon was handing him. The invitation was rather generic, the typical white card with a gold calligraphy writing of their wedding information. Apart from the words, there was nothing else. The design had Minseok’s seal of approval all over it.

“Pretty,” Yixing said.

“I thought it’ll be fun to have some purple floral vectors in the corners, but it would have been too much, wouldn’t it? Too tacky?”

As Yixing had thought.

“It’s your wedding, Mian. As long as you like something, it should be fine.”

Junmyeon tilted his head to the side, seemly unconvinced but mumbled that yes, it would have been too much. Yixing only thought that it would have looked more beautiful.

Junmyeon gave the invitation back to the cashier, who put it back on the box containing the rest and gave it to Junmyeon. Yixing made sure to pay for the weekly planner.

Before they left the store, the girl said, “Thank you for trusting us. And congratulations on your wedding. You two make a beautiful couple.”

Yixing’s dumb heart jumped at hearing that. He found himself unable to say it, to correct her mistake because it made everything real and discouraging. But Junmyeon didn’t hesitate and poured a bucket of ice-cold water over Yixing’s head when he spoke.

“Oh, no! We’re not getting married!” Junmyeon shook his head while chuckling.

Was the idea of being with him so comical to Junmyeon? A joke that was never meant to turn in to reality?

“He’s my best man.” Junmyeon pointed at Yixing.

The girl seemed embarrassed by her assuming, “My mistake. Then, I wish you and your future husband well on your special day.”

“Thank you!”

Fazed, Yixing walked next to Junmyeon as they searched for a place to eat lunch. Junmyeon was telling him something about his students at the school. He worked as a literature teacher in high school. Apparently, some funny stories had been told today during their creative writing moment. But all Yixing could hear was the words that still replayed in his head. Unlike those times in which he could spend hours listening to his favorite songs, this sound he just wanted to forget, eradicate.

Best friends.

That was what they were. That was what they had always been. That was what they were meant to be.

A couple of days after that incident, Yixing got home and saw a bunch of mail had arrived. It was mostly bills, advertisements, and subscription magazines, but one envelope stood out from the rest. This one was addressed to him written with Junmyeon’s handwriting. He opened it to see another golden envelope inside. It contained all the information Yixing already knew from days ago. He made sure to RSVP to the e-mail address that’ll he be attending alone before throwing the wedding invitation in the trash can.

 

---

 

Was it pathetic for me to love you this way? For me to not say anything? For me to see you smile at someone else and love someone else while pretending nothing bothered me? Pretending that a bit of me didn’t die every single time I witnessed what I couldn’t have with you?

The callous jealousy running through my veins was appalling, I knew that much. Because I was pissed off today when you said you were moving in together with him. I felt stupid for believing and assuming things when you said you had news to tell me today. Could you believe I wanted you to tell you two had broken up? My stupid heart had truly thought that. Oh, you don’t know how much I wanted to squeeze the coffee cup in my hand when you said something else instead. But you had looked so happy, hopeful, and given me one of the most beautiful smiles while you delivered the news that I couldn’t show you how ugly I could be. I lied and said I was happy for you when I wanted to yell, ‘please stay with me. Don’t go,’ but couldn’t.

You were moving forward while I was stuck in the same place, waiting for you to come to me, hoping that our time would be next, that there could be an us not so far away from now. The more months that passed, it kept mocking me, saying that perhaps it would never come true, that your heart was settled to belong to him forever. That you, in fact, loved me but as your best friend. Instead of accepting it, I liked to stay blind to reality. I preferred to close my eyes and dream of you choosing to stay with me, not as a roommate in separate rooms, but as two lovers in the prime of life.

This time as I opened my eyes there would be no emptiness and silence, there would be you sound asleep next to me. Your hair was tousled around giving you an even more adorable look, your breathing filled in the quietness. I couldn’t resist it, so I reached my hand to caress your head. Your hair ran through my fingers like silk. The pleasant smell of the bracing sea air was heaven to wake up to, almost as if I was near the ocean. And I keep playing with your hair, practically spellbound by every single detail of you, thinking of how goddamn beautiful you were. Then I saw your lips forming a smile.

“Good morning, love,” you said with your eyes closed. Love. How could a word bring me such elation?

You yawned and stretched, making my shirt rise a bit. Yes, my shirt because you liked sleeping in my clothes, and I felt so damn happy every time I dreamed of you wearing them. I just had to lean forward and plant a kiss on your tummy.

Your giggle in the morning was a soothing melody. I lay my head on top of your tummy, and you reach forward to touch my face. I could feel your fingers caressing me, and I loved it.

“It is indeed a good morning,” I said.

I can’t help but smile along with you. We were at the apartment that had always been ours, in my room that had now become ours. Your clothes were next to mine in the closet. The purple curtains that you liked were hanging on the windows. The two sheep money box that laolao had gifted to us in Changsha were finally standing together on the top shelf. We had lived together for years, but this time it was different. This time, it was us living together, not with my roommate or my best friend.

The growling of your stomach had us laughing. For some reason, we would always laugh at it in reality as well.

“Hungry?” I asked.

You nodded.

“I’ll go make us something to eat.”

There was something you wanted to say, maybe that you’ll take care of it, but before you could even protest, I was on my way out.

We sat on opposites ends of the dining table like we always tended to do, and yet it was so different. It was as if the final puzzled bit had fallen into place.

When the day you left this place had come, I ran back to dream of this. Of us doing laundry together, doing the dishes, watching TV, working at home together, taking baths, morning breakfast on the balcony, heck even cleaning.

The visions would calm my heart from the misery that was not hearing your voice anymore asking me if I wanted to have a toast for breakfast, of your toothbrush no longer being in the toothbrush cup, of the door no longer opening announcing that you had arrived from work, of you not being here with me.

The dreams were pathetic, I know.

  

---

 

Yixing’s shirt was stuck to his body, his face was beaded with sweat, his hair was tousled in all directions, and his eardrums were having a well-needed break from all that loudness. At last, the night was ending.

Jongdae, Minseok’s chosen best man, had planned a wholesome of activities around the city for Minseok’s bachelor party, by chance they even encountered a celebrity during dinner, and the night’s final stop had been some drinks at a nightclub because Minseok had always enjoyed some dancing.

Even if Yixing continued feeling the same way as six months ago, he had a fun night. He enjoyed having a good time with his friends and brother, just like he had done while being with Junmyeon during his bachelor party. The fact that he could feel slightly better with them on their own wasn’t reassuring. Neither did it feel good to know that despite dancing and accepting a few guys’ numbers here and there, Yixing still couldn’t feel inclined towards asking one of them if they wanted to go home with him tonight or think of something else. It somehow felt as if he was betraying Junmyeon when that was the last thing in the world Junmyeon would feel. Still, he had fun, and it was a better way to spend his Saturday than watching Dragon Ball Z for the nth time.

Jongdae’s hive of activities like archery, laser tag, and whatnot, was much more than what Yixing’s idea had been. Junmyeon loved nature and the ocean. With that in mind, Yixing had planned one day of sightseeing in Jeju Island. It was one of Junmyeon’s most favorite places which meant he had been there more than once already. Clearly, the amount of effort Yixing had put into this was nothing like Jongdae’s. He could attribute it to being busy because he was the leader of the team in charge of a new marketing campaign, but Yixing knew that wasn’t true. His heart still yielded that ugly feeling within him. But despite the simplicity and lack of furor, when they were sailing during the sunset, Junmyeon had smiled and told him that he had loved the day, that it was great. He still remembered how Junmyeon had looked at him, and that had only made Yixing feel more terrible.

After washing his face, Yixing left the bathroom and made his way out through the crowd of people. He encountered Jongdae outside the club.

“Hey, Xing. Where’s Min?”

“Wasn’t he with you?”

“No, he said he’ll go back in to look for you. You were taking quite some time.”

“There was a long queue.”

Jongdae looked at the door. “Sehun texted me minutes ago that he already has a cab waiting for us.”

Minseok probably got lost on the way to the bathroom or decided to have another drink. Before Jongdae ventured back, Yixing said, “Min was gonna crash at my place anyway, so why don’t you two go? I’ll find him.”

“You sure?”

Yixing nodded his head.

“Thanks.” He clapped Yixing on the shoulder, “See you later, Xing.”

“Bye!” he yelled as Jongdae ran toward the avenue.

Yixing sighed. When the feeling of wanting to return home and lay in bed underneath the warm covers had settled, suddenly going back to the nightclub’s atmosphere seemed exasperating. Putting his hands on his ears, he returned anyway. He felt his chest jumping to the beat of the music as he took each step further in. He couldn’t see Minseok in the crowd of sweaty dancing bodies. Yelling was futile unless he could surpass the electronic song playing out loud. His quickest solution was to go to the upper lounge and search from above. He had no manners this time as he hurried and pushed people to get by. Too bad Yixing ended up bumping into someone just as he reached the stairs. A cold drink was spilled all over his chest, making him shiver and reek of beer.

“Sorry, dude,” the guy apologized.

“Thanks,” Yixing groaned. Rather than going up he made his way toward the bathroom again. Minseok could wait.

Yixing didn’t believe in fate, supernatural happenings, or other inexplicable phenomena. But perhaps it was fated that earlier he had to wait for thirty-minutes in the queue to the bathroom because someone had vomited on the floor, or that some random guy got in his way and wet his shirt with beer, and that to get to the toilet he had to pass through the nightclub’s lounge because otherwise, he wouldn’t have been on that place, at this exact moment.

His eyes widened in synchronization with his jaw-dropping. The music and the surrounding people faded until it was only him and the couple sitting on the leather couch that mattered. The seconds seemed to last longer. His hands itched to move, a part of his brain reasoned he should turn away, the other side urged him to act quickly, to do it before it was too late because this was his golden chance. Yixing chose the latter. His shaking hand held the phone while he filmed. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven heartbeats. That was how long it took before the tall man sticking his tongue inside his brother’s mouth noticed him standing there, snooping. Swiftly, Yixing tapped his phone to stop the recording and put it away.

The man said something Yixing couldn’t distinguish through the noise, that face certainly showed discontent at being interrupted, or being caught in the act. A puzzled Minseok, still in the man’s arms, looked to the side to see what was going on. With those bulged eyes his brother looked at him like being caught making mischief. The stranger said something else to Minseok, but his brother didn’t react.

The awkward staring didn’t last for long because Yixing strode forward to drag Minseok away from the man.

“What the heck are you doing?” Yixing scolded, doing his most to not shout because why the heck was his brother doing this when he had Junmyeon?

Minseok stuttered his words, but nothing coherent could be understood.

The strange man was one head taller than Yixing standing up. Had this been any other instance Yixing would have been intimidated, but his rage overtook the feeling. Before the man could say something, Yixing frowned and spat, “For ’s sake, he’s getting married in three weeks,” Then, he grabbed Minseok’s arm and dragged him out of there.

The ride back home happened under complete silence, except that time in which Junmyeon called Minseok to wish him goodnight. With a low voice, Minseok managed to speak. By the quick summary of tonight Minseok could provide to Junmyeon, Yixing confirmed that his brother hadn’t been so drunk that he wouldn’t have had any idea of what he was doing. After all, Minseok had the strongest alcohol resistance among them.

It wasn’t until they were back in Yixing’s apartment, taking off their shoes, that Minseok attempted to talk to him.

“Xing,” he said, his voice with a hint of pleading.

Yixing ignored him and walked towards the closet in the bedroom hall to take out a sheet, covers, and pillows. There were actually two bedrooms in his apartment, but the other bedroom had turned into a home-office since he no longer needed a roommate to pay the full rent. Guests would have to crash on his couch, not that he had many visitors. Usually, Yixing would fix them a provisional bed, move the fluffy pillows and such, everything to make them feel at home. Tonight, he threw everything on top of the couch.

“It’s not what you think,” Minseok said behind him.

Yixing squeezed his hand into a fist before releasing it. He turned around to face his brother, doing his best to mask his anger. It was annoying how Minseok didn’t seem to show much regret on his face, worry or shame. Yixing did his uttermost to not scream what he truly wanted to say and blurted instead, “You were making out with some random guy weeks before your wedding. I think I got it right.”

“You don’t understand.”

Yixing huffed. “What exactly? That you practically cheated on Junmyeon?”

Minseok frowned. “No, I wasn’t cheating on him. It meant nothing.”

“That’s exactly what cheaters say, Minseok. God knows what would have happened if I had left you there. What the hell were you thinking?”

Minseok did that motion with his hand, a typical gesture of nervousness whenever he couldn’t explain himself. Yixing still remembered when Minseok was in the middle of delivering their parent’s wedding speech only to forget half of it and doing that exact same dance with his hands. When the hand motions stopped, it usually meant he had something to say. Minseok sat down on the couch, covering his face with his hands letting out a deep sigh.

Minseok looked at him. “I got scared,” his brother admitted, so low that had there not been silent earlier, Yixing wouldn’t have even heard him. “I would never cheat on, Junmyeon, never,” he continued determinedly, “I love him, I do. What happened… I got scared, okay? Tonight, I, I, when we stood there waiting for you to come back and hearing Dae talk about how little time was left, it finally hit me. This is really happening, you know? I’m getting married, Xing, for the rest of my life, forever, until the end of time, until one of us dies! That-that could be like fifty years of waking up next to the same person, living with them, being with them all the time.”

Yixing crossed his arms, feeling how his frown deepened at hearing Minseok’s explanation. If it had to be one thousand and one years, Yixing wouldn’t have ever doubted spending them with Junmyeon, seeing his smile every day after greeting him good morning. How couldn’t his brother appreciate that? How couldn’t he want that?

“I-I got cold feet, okay? My mind just thought, how, how is that possible? Is it even possible to spend that much time with someone? Is this the right thing to do? I’ve known Jun for years, but we’ve only been dating for three years. Is it too soon? What if this is a mistake? I mean, I’ll never get to kiss someone else for the first time, fall in love, have a first date… What if I would miss out on something?  What if Jun and I wake up in ten years and regret everything? All these questions just attacked me out of nowhere while I stood there.”

So, your solution was to stick your tongue on someone else? Nice.

He didn’t say that. The more Yixing heard, the more he got engulfed by envy, jealousy, and irritation. Here was Yixing pining over his love for Junmyeon while Minseok was hesitating and doubting his future with him. Why couldn’t it have been him instead of Minseok? Why?

“Just for the last time, I wanted to see what it could be and then close that door forever. I-I just needed closure. And that’s it! But it meant nothing. I won’t, I don’t even want to do that again. Yes, I know, I realize it was incredibly bad and stupid, I shouldn’t have done that! I know, this doesn’t excuse what I did, but it will never happen again. Seeing you there standing and looking at me with disappointment was everything I needed to stop being a ing idiot. I think I want this, this thing with Junmyeon, I think it’ll be good. It feels like the right thing to do.”

You shouldn’t think of it, you should want it, dammit.

Oh, cruel fate, Yixing would have laughed if it weren’t for his annoyance at the injustice.

For minutes Minseok waited expectantly for Yixing’s answer, biting his nail from time to time while looking up, another habit of his. Yixing’s mind was debating on whether to shrug his shoulders and laugh at it because sure, Minseok freaked out and did something impulsive, that was what he tended to do, like that one time he bought home five kittens due to his stress over the college entrance exam and he didn’t want the kitten siblings to be separated. For weeks their house had been flooded with cat hair, but eventually, all kittens found a home, not with them because Minseok’s dad had a tremendous allergy. During their college years Minseok had also preferred keeping casual relationships and had never been looking for that ‘forever’ people seemed to idealize during their youth. Then it was his parent’s divorce when he was only seven, the fear of abandonment, and other insecurities of him. Of course, it would have freaked him out.

But did that mean it was right?

After the disastrous ending with Kyungsoo, this had become quite a sensitive topic for Yixing. He couldn’t agree this was nothing and justifiable.

“Do you want my honest opinion?” Yixing asked at last.

“Su-sure.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t get married.”

Selfish bastard, a voice in Yixing’s mind mocked him as soon as he let out those words.

“Huh?” Minseok asked, blinking and looking at Yixing with perplexity.

“Don’t get married like this. If you have so many doubts and fears about what happens in the future, perhaps you’re not ready for this. It should be easy, Minseok. It shouldn’t even matter what you miss out. You should be sure of wanting to spend a lifetime with someone.”

And that was everything Yixing had to say. He decided to call it a night and let Minseok sunk in the meaning of his words.

What a selfish bastard you are, consciousness spoke.

Now that he had planted the seed, he actually hoped that Minseok would realize it… That Junmyeon wasn’t for him. Yixing had meant it when he had said that it should be easy, and he should just know. With Kyungsoo, Yixing had dumbly thought that there would be a future for them, of course, that turned out to be bull. He had been wrong because now that he was in love with Junmyeon, he could envision, feel, sense what it could be. Unlike previously this certainty was different. Yixing would never have doubted spending the rest of his life with Junmyeon. If Minseok didn’t feel this way, then… Minseok should just let Junmyeon go. That was the right thing to do.

Yixing laughed at himself for being so selfish while shaking his head against his pillow. He thought of the video he had on his phone. It was despicable. That evil side within him was yelling that he should send it to Junmyeon, make him aware. But he didn’t do anything. For now, he chose to ignore the urge, but neither did he think he should delete it. Soon sleep overtook him and dreams of him, and Junmyeon appeared during the night.

The next day, he woke up with a slight headache from yesterday. Walking towards the kitchen for a glass of water, Yixing was surprised to see Minseok had cleaned up everything from the couch and was waiting for him with breakfast on the table, or as a quick glance at the clock told him, it was more appropriately lunch. Yixing thought Minseok would have left early in the morning without saying goodbye, that was another habit of his whenever he was too embarrassed to face someone after doing something terrible. Or had he been so drunk that he didn’t remember it?

After some awkward morning greetings, Yixing sat down in front of his brother.

“Last night,” Minseok said while using his chopsticks to grab some kimchi from his bowl. “I’m sorry you had to see that, Yixing. The alcohol mixed with my irrational fears made me do a horrible thing. Really, it was so stupid, and I’m ashamed.” He looked at him, and remorse could be seen on Minseok’s expression. “Your words made me ponder the whole night. And you know what I realized?”

Yixing shook his head.

“That I love him. We love each other, and I don’t want to lose, Junmyeon. I know we can do this, Xing. I want this for us as well. I will fight for it.”

Yixing continued eating and showing some indifference towards Minseok’s words as if they didn’t affect him at all, as if he didn’t want to break the chopstick on his hand.

“Great, I’m glad you do. But I also hope you tell Junmyeon about it. So, you don’t start your marriage based on lies.” It took Yixing a lot to say that.

“Yes, of course, I will.”

 

---

 

Do you remember when we were seventeen after we both had gotten dumped on the same week? It had been embarrassing because you were supposed to introduce your boyfriend to your mother the following day while this was the second time someone broke up with me after dating for one week. At that time, it seemed as if we were the unlucky ones, the ones who might never find true love. We had cried and laughed over how pathetic we were feeling. So, our broken hearts found comfort that night watching movies, playing video games or just talking. In the years that followed, we continued sharing healing moments like this every time someone broke up with us. Too bad that now I don’t have you anymore.

But that first night, I don’t remember who said it. Was it you? Or was it perhaps me who said it?

‘Honestly, if we’re still losers single by thirty, then we should just get married!’

We had both burst out laughing at how silly that sounded. But then we thought over the words and said, ‘Seriously?’ ‘Yes, seriously.’ We were seventeen, we got along quite well, and it seemed reasonable. Trusting the promises we make at seventeen wasn’t wise. Deep down we both knew it was just a mindless thing to say, that something sealed by the touch of our pinky fingers couldn’t mean much. It was silly. Everyone found love eventually… Just like you did.

It was stupid and yet years later, I think that it will no longer come true. But I still couldn’t help envisioning it in my head these days. You kept getting further and further away from me while I still couldn’t let the thought of you go, so I kept torturing myself with the unrealistic images of us.

We were getting married. I would have been the one to pop the question, and you, of course, said yes, or vice versa, you asked me to marry you, and I said yes. I remember you mentioning that as long as you married the person you loved, it didn’t matter who asked first. Small or big ceremony? Outdoors or indoors? A traditional or western wedding? We had never talked about those things before. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship with a marriage prospect. Until yours of course, and now I was afraid to ask because I knew I would probably cry at hearing your answer, planning it with someone else.

Whenever I dreamt of this, it would be different settings. Tonight, there was rain falling abundantly above us, a typical summer’s day during the rainy season. There was no shelter for us as we made our way down the seashore. Our hands were holding onto our dress shoes while the wet sand felt pleasantly against our feet. We should have been back at the party, where our friends and family were celebrating this day with us. But after cutting the cake, you had whispered into my ear if we could go out for a walk for some fresh air, so we did. The murmurs and the music faded and were replaced by the pitter patter of the rain and the waves hitting the shore. Our suits were soaked, the sunflower boutonnieres would get ruined, but it was okay. We didn’t mind hiding from our own wedding.

“So, Mister Kim-Zhang,” you said. I loved the sound of it. I loved knowing we had each other’s surname. It blended so perfectly together. “How are you feeling? You’re still not regretting it?” You asked, squinting your eyes and giving me a smug look. The way your dampened hair was stuck to your forehead accentuated that adorable look of yours.

I laughed as I threw my shoes on the sand. I surrounded you with my arms in a back hug, and I gave you a kiss on the neck because I could, and I wanted to.

“Never. Do you?”

Your hands held mine. I loved the feeling of our wedding rings against our skins.

“There’s not a single reason I would.”

I smiled like I never did in the real world. “I’m so happy.”

“I’m happy too, my dear husband.”

My dear husband, another word that made me so giddy.

You turned your head around, your look conveying the words you didn’t have to say. The touch of my lips against yours was inexplicable. Many times after waking up I wished I could have remembered it.

After a while, you freed yourself from my embrace, grabbed my hand and took us to stand exactly where the water washed over our feet. The downpour had begun vanishing.

Spellbound, I watched as you tilted your head back and began twirling, splashing the water with your feet. It was the little victory dance you did whenever you were utterly happy. That time we won the baseball tournament. That time we got accepted into the same university. That time we moved in together. That time you handed in your thesis. That time you got the job promotion. Now, you were doing it for someone else, but I still lied to myself and pretended you were doing it for me, on the dream of our wedding.

 

---

 

The following weekend there was a gathering to have a barbeque to celebrate Junmyeon’s thirtieth birthday. His birthday was actually on Monday, but not all of them had time to meet up that day. Besides, Jongdae and Sehun’s new house was quite spacious, and it wouldn’t be crowded to have over some of Junmyeon’s friends and family members. Junmyeon thought it was unnecessary to celebrate when the wedding was only two weeks away, but Minseok still wanted to do something for him. After all, it was the big-three-o. Jongdae and Sehun hadn’t mind suggesting it took place at their house.

Junmyeon had been surprised and joyful when he arrived and saw everyone reunited there to celebrate him. He grinned while putting his hand on his cheeks making him look incredibly adorable to Yixing’s eyes.

Yixing couldn’t have skipped this day. Not only because it was Junmyeon’s birthday celebration and Yixing had been around for almost all of Junmyeon’s birthdays, but because he wanted to see how Junmyeon was doing. They hadn’t spoken much during the week, and Yixing was curious to know Junmyeon’s reaction to Minseok’s ‘cold feet.’ It was odd that Junmyeon hadn’t mentioned anything about what happened with Minseok the other day. Junmyeon and Yixing used to discuss their relationship problems with each other, asking for advice or just a listening ear. When Yixing had broken up with Kyungsoo, Junmyeon had been there for him. Months ago, Junmyeon had kept asking Yixing if his idea to propose to Minseok was rushed, and Yixing had listened. Although Yixing had once again bitten his lips and said Junmyeon should just follow his heart, at that time, of course, Yixing had believed his crush on Junmyeon would dissipate shortly and he wouldn’t regret saying those words.

While Yixing was in the kitchen cutting vegetables, he got the chance to ask Junmyeon about it. Junmyeon had been busy entertaining his guests in the yard, but now he had come in to prepare more lemonade. Junmyeon was standing on the other side of the marble counter doing his task while telling Yixing about what his grandmother had sent him as a present. Eventually, Yixing couldn’t keep his curiosity at bay.

“So, Mian, are you okay after what happened?”

Junmyeon raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

“What happened the day of Minseok’s bachelor party,” Yixing said as casually as he could.

By the look on his face, that didn’t ring a bell on Junmyeon’s mind.

“A lot of things happened that day, Xing. What exactly are you talking about?”

Junmyeon wasn’t the evasive type of person, if he knew what Yixing meant, he would address it point-blank, neither would he have that clueless expression. Obviously, Minseok hadn’t said anything. That notion made that selfish side of Yixing awake. Quickly, he thought of something else to say.

“Oh, you know… When we saw Yoo Jaeseok at that restaurant. I know you’ve always liked him.”

“Yes, yes,” Junmyeon said and laughed, “I think that was pretty cool! Min showed me the picture you guys took. He also mentioned he was kind and fun to talk to. Ah, I missed it… But maybe another time I’ll get the chance.”

After Junmyeon returned to the yard, Yixing continued thinking of what to do. Even when the food preparations were done, and Jongdae shouted from the grill that everyone was welcome to serve themselves, Yixing kept debating.

I should tell him.

No, you don’t. Stay out of it.

But it’s Junmyeon, he should know.

Quit it.

Those two voices kept invading his thoughts as he watched everyone getting ready to eat. His gaze shifting from Minseok to Junmyeon.

Eventually, he opted to listen to one of those voices. Junmyeon had the right to know. Minseok should have told him. Honesty was the key if they wanted to trust each other wholly, right? But before talking to Junmyeon directly, Yixing decided to give Minseok the benefit of the doubt.

He found Minseok chatting with one of Junmyeon’s colleagues and their spouse. Yixing tapped Minseok’s shoulder and said he’d steal him for a bit. Minseok looked questioningly at him but followed, nonetheless. Jongdae’s and Sehun’s home-gym could serve to give them enough privacy.

“What’s up, Xing?” Minseok asked as soon as Yixing turned around from closing the door.

It was now that Yixing’s pent-up anger went loose. He couldn’t stand how carefree Minseok looked. He crossed his arms and almost shouted, “You lied.”

Minseok’s face slackened, and he averted his gaze, enough sign that he knew what Yixing was referring to. “No. I just think… It’s not worth mentioning anymore. It just wouldn’t do any good, you know?”

Yixing huffed, feeling how his nostrils widened, “Are you serious? Minseok, you kissed another man, weeks before your wedding. How can you keep something like that a secret?”

“But it literally meant nothing, Yixing. I was stupid and drunk, okay? We all make stupid mistakes then. And that’s it! I had already forgotten about it if you hadn’t just reminded me.”

“Being drunk doesn’t justify you cheating on Junmyeon.”

“I didn’t cheat on him!” Minseok said, frowning and raising his voice to match Yixing’s volume, “You know it was just a meaningless kiss. It didn’t mean anything.”

“It was still a kiss with another person! How do you expect your marriage to have trust if you can’t even be honest with him?”

“Junmyeon and I have good mutual trust. I-I just slipped for one moment, but he doesn’t need to know about a meaningless, stupid mistake. This would only add an unnecessary fight right before the wedding.”

“How can you do something like this? Aren’t you ashamed?”

His brother looked annoyed, that look that said he wouldn’t take anyone’s bull anymore. “I know what I’m doing, Yixing. Besides, why do you care so much? This isn’t your problem. It’s not your relationship. You don’t know how things work between us. With all due respect, just stop meddling where nobody asked for your opinion. Please, let it go.”

Once Minseok shut the door closed, Yixing continued standing there. His fist remained squeezed, his look on where Minseok had been standing. What Minseok had said stung. It stung that that was the reality, this wasn’t about him and Junmyeon. That feeling blended with the despair from last year. All that anger he had held at Kyungsoo suddenly fell on Minseok, on how Junmyeon didn’t deserve his lies, on how unfair everything was.

Yixing may love Minseok like a brother, he had an unconditional love for him due to how Minseok had accepted him and taken care of him while growing up. Yixing remembered those times in which he was still struggling with his Korean, and how Minseok spend hours in the wee hours trying to teach him. Yixing loved him, but he wouldn’t participate on his wrong actions, on the hurt the lies would cause. He couldn’t swipe it under the rug, ignore it and forget it. What if it happened again and Junmyeon does find out? What if Junmyeon gets hurt because Yixing couldn’t warn him in advance by telling him this? What if Yixing could prevent mistakes but chose not to?

Liar. This is not what you want.

Junmyeon was his best friend. If this had been the opposite situation, Yixing knew Junmyeon would have told him because he knew Yixing would have wanted to find out. It must be the same for Junmyeon.

It must be. It must be. It must be.

Like a mantra, Yixing repeated those words as he stomped outside, back to the porch where he could see everyone eating, chatting and laughing, where Minseok was tilting and resting his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon had an arm around him. They were smiling. They were happy. Yixing put his hand inside his pocket to bring out his phone. Something funny must have been said because Minseok and Junmyeon looked at each other and laughed. Junmyeon gently caressed Minseok’s ear. Yixing’s thumbs tapped their way to the message application. The background picture of him and Junmyeon surrounded by sunflowers came into view. His thumb touched on insert file, he found the video and attached it. Now, Minseok had freed himself from Junmyeon and went to say something to Jongdae, Junmyeon followed Minseok with his gaze while continuing smiling fondly like an idiot. Yixing stared back to the phone on his hand.

Now or never.

He hit the send button.

When the sent icon appeared, like a thunder striking, the realization hit him. He had sent the video of Minseok and that man making out to Junmyeon, on his birthday, two weeks before his wedding. His eyes followed as Junmyeon retrieved his phone. In mere seconds Junmyeon’s wide smile began to falter, a frown and a thin line on his lips replaced all that previous joy. Junmyeon turned his head to the side looking at Minseok, then he searched among the group of people until he found Yixing. Yixing’s heart beat rapidly while his breathing intensified. Junmyeon was staring at him with such disbelief, dejection, and misery. It was all his fault. He couldn’t hold all that gazing anymore because being under Junmyeon’s scrutinizing gaze only made Yixing wanting to disappear. He swung around and hurried toward the door, he put on his shoes and ran away.

It was already dark outside when Yixing woke up hours later. He had left the window blind open, and the city lights were shining his room. After panicking and leaving Junmyeon’s birthday party midway, he had come home thinking it was for the best, but it only felt worst. A side of him was pleased, though, shamelessly happy because he had made Junmyeon aware of the truth and maybe dumbly thought that this could be his chance. Disgusting, a voice also echoed in his head. Because the images of a shattered Junmyeon lingered there as well, and to know that he had been the cause of Junmyeon’s anguish when all Yixing had ever wanted was to see him happy, had Yixing sickened with himself. His own mind wouldn’t let the torture of a crushed Junmyeon go. Not even after turning on the television and trying to watch a baseball match could he erase the images in his head. He knew that the vomiting and the stomach ache that came later wasn’t because of the food he had eaten previously.

When Yixing turned sideways, he noticed the light on his phone was blinking green. He reached forward to grab it. There were twenty missed calls from Minseok and some texts telling him to pick up the phone. That had been sent two hours ago, while Yixing was sleeping and had his phone on silent mode. Yixing gulped, his throat feeling too dry. He doubted whether to listen to the voice mail or not, but figured that eventually, he’ll have to face his brother’s wrath one way or another.

“How ing could you, Yixing?!” was Minseok’s greeting. Well, it could have been worst. For around five minutes he listened to Minseok shouting angrily at him for one, filming that video, two sending it to Junmyeon and three, not minding his own damn business. Yixing knew that Minseok was right in some points, but he also wanted to shout back that Junmyeon deserved to find out the truth. It was funny how his mind shifted between thinking it had been right and then tormented him with Junmyeon’s miserable face. The voice mail ended with Minseok yelling ‘this isn’t over,’ meaning that he also wanted to shout at Yixing in person. With how mad Minseok had sounded, he wondered why his brother hadn’t come over and tried to knock down the door (in case Yixing didn’t hear the doorbell).

The answer to his question came when he walked into the living room, shrieked and stumbled out of fear at seeing the sitting figure in the dark.

“Sorry,” Junmyeon’s concerned voice spoke, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Yixing blushed faintly. He the lights while saying, “It’s okay, Mian.” Then, he noticed there was a large duffel bag on the floor. Before Yixing could even ask, Junmyeon was already answering.

“I still had one copy of the keys. I’m sorry if I trespassed.”

After having lived four years together with Junmyeon, Yixing had learned that he quite often tended to drop his keys or forget where he had put them. Usually, Junmyeon kept around five keys just in case. Thankfully, Junmyeon’s and Minseok’s apartment had doors with digital locks.

“No, it’s fine. This used to be your house as well. You’re always welcomed here.”

The corner of Junmyeon’s lip curved upwards. A smile devoid of joy was easy to note in Junmyeon, his eyes didn’t show anything. “Thank you,” he said and turned his face back to look at the windows. “I just didn’t know where else to go.”

Unsure, Yixing went to sit beside him. He thought of putting an arm around his friend, show him he wasn’t alone, but there was something off about the action that he couldn’t do it. Yixing nervously tapped on his thigh, wondering whether he should bring it up. Was Junmyeon mad at him? Disappointed? The atmosphere wasn’t awkward, just different, and it was his fault that this was happening in the first place. As Yixing pondered, Junmyeon’s gaze remained on the windows.

“Why did you film it?” Junmyeon said at last.

Yixing gulped. “I-I wanted to be credible. He said he would tell you, but he, he hadn’t.”

Junmyeon was quiet again, he kept looking outside lost in his own world of thoughts. The expression on his face turned into a bitter smile. Then he said, “I guess I gotta thank you.”

“For-for what?”

“For making me aware,” Junmyeon replied, looking at Yixing this time. “Otherwise… I would have never known.” Junmyeon laughed without mirth. “He really couldn’t see the problem by not telling me. All I kept hearing were excuses, to the point I couldn’t stand it anymore,” he huffed. “If he had never been completely sure, then he should have said so. We could have waited a few months, years, anything for him to not have any doubts and he wouldn’t have the need to stick his tongue into someone else.”

The bitterness in Junmyeon’s voice was evident, his knuckles were shining, his thick eyebrows were meeting in a frown. He wasn’t a pushover or anything like that, but Yixing rarely saw him fuming over something because Yixing knew Junmyeon disliked unnecessary discussions and fights. It was whenever Junmyeon felt truly wronged that all the fury would appear, but even then, he’ll try to tame it and only show a fraction of what he felt.

Yixing could only find one thing to say. “I’m sorry,” he apologized looking at his hands, “I didn’t mean to hurt you today. I didn’t want to ruin your birthday. I shouldn’t have-”

“Believe me, Xing, it wasn’t you who ruined it or hurt me.”

His heart could rest a bit after hearing that, but he didn’t think he’ll ever forget Junmyeon’s miserable face. “What will you do now?”

Junmyeon let out a deep, long sigh. “I don’t know. All I know is that we’re going to keep fighting until he admits that it was indeed a big deal, something he should have told me right away. But I’m not sure what will happen later. I don’t know if I can forgive him, not only for the kiss but for the fact that he lied. Maybe I also need this time away to think.”

“But what about…?”

“It’s not the right timing. It will have to be on hold for now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

A smile crept on the corner of Yixing’s lips, but out of tact, he fought to keep a straight face. Junmyeon shouldn’t know of his selfish thoughts, not about this.

“Is it okay if I stay with you?” Junmyeon asked, a bit unsure of himself.

Yixing could see the gloominess, vulnerability, and anger within Junmyeon’s eyes. In a comforting move, he rested a hand on top of Junmyeon’s shoulder, caressing it gently.

“Of course, Mian. For as long as you need it.”

“Thank you,” Junmyeon said, smiling genuinely this time.

 

---

 

I had always loved sunflowers, maybe because instead of a pet my parents decided to gift me a sunflower seed and a pot when I was a child. I no longer blame them, my parents would have been the ones to take care of the pet, so even though I had been disappointed, I later understood why. They wouldn’t have had the time to properly care for it. Still, I had come to like my sunflower. I had happily nurtured it and eagerly awaited the moment it would finally sprout. When it did, the flower was almost the size of my face, and it was the prettiest flower I had seen.

I remember you had laughed tenderly while looking at the scrapbook my mom and I had made to document everything. My large handwriting spelled out headers like ‘me watering sunflowie,’ ‘protecting sunflowie from the rain,’ ‘Sunflowie’s one-month birthday’ and many more occurrences that had you go from aww to a gentle laugh. I also mentioned how I had cried the day the sunflower died, and even if it had been years since then, you jumped forward to hug me. Back then, the simple gesture didn’t mean much, only my friend hugging me. Now I wished you could do it more often, not every time we said goodbye because I knew it wouldn’t be until next week that I’ll get to see you.

Years later you still remembered that part of me, that silly story I showed you the first time you had visited my house. It was no wonder that when I turned twenty-two, you had gifted me a memorable experience, a pleasant surprise that I was glad to have shared with you.

Tonight, I had wished for us to be back at that moment. Of course, in my dream, I had altered the real memory, adding in the most crucial factor, that you loved me in the same way I loved you.

As always, we were holding hands as we walked through the sunflower field. Believe me, if this were real, I would also keep holding your hand wherever we went.

The sunflowers were everywhere I looked, it was like drowning on a yellow ocean with green tints. Sunflowers didn’t smell anything particular but being here with you I thought this was the second most pleasant scent ever, bracing sea air was still my favorite. My free hand caressed the soft sunflower petals. Despite how beautiful the scenery was, I still thought you were the one shining the brightest.

“Did you know that they are heli-“

“Heliotropic flowers,” you said, nodding with pride. “At bud stage, the bud faces the sun at all times during the day. I remember it. You told me you had been so fascinated when Sunflowie had done it.”

I smiled embarrassedly. “We’re not even that old yet, and I’m already repeating my stories. Sorry.”

Your hand touched my face, your thumb gently my cheek. And you drew closer to kiss me on the lips, soft and caring. “No, don’t be. I just wanted to impress you. But you can tell me again, you should tell it again. I love listening to your voice, I’ll never get tired of listening to your voice.”

Now I was the one who leaned in to kiss you.

The sun was high in the sky when we reached the middle of the field. I took out my camera and told you to pose for me. I remember you’d always say your pictures didn’t turn out good, and I just couldn’t believe that because you were the most beautiful person to look at. I wished I could have told you that in real life, I wished you had heard it from me and not him. But in here I could say it, and I did it while you blushed and continued inhaling the scent of flowers that didn’t smell anything.

Then, you said it was time for me to stand there. We had laughed while we took turns capturing striking and silly photos. I wished we had done this at that time as well so I could have made our own scrapbook to remember one of the happiest days of my life. Even so, my most favorite photo was the one with the both of us, the one where kissed me on the cheek because I was the birthday boy and I deserved to be kissed. That one happened to be the only real picture I could look at in my phone, and I did that from time to time because I liked to pretend everything I dreamed of was real, the other photos were just missing.

I wished we had done this again today. We could repeat it a million times, and I would still be so happy. That had been my wish tonight when my family and my friends sang me that birthday song, and I blew out the candles.

But of course, it wouldn’t come true. And of course, all I got was a congratulatory text and a picture of a macaroon box, the gift you would bring me from Paris. Because of course, you were there with him celebrating your first anniversary.

So, instead, I find comfort dreaming that we’re laying on a field of sunflowers because I had gone to sleep while staring at that picture.

 

---

 

In a couple of days, it was like being back in his early twenties, just having left the nest and trying to venture into adulthood alongside his best friend. Yixing still remembered how their parents hadn’t agreed and wanted them to stay until they found stable jobs, but both Junmyeon and Yixing were too eager to find out what living on their own was like. In one word, it had been difficult, but at least their parents helped them with the tuitions. He still remembers how their first month they ate instant noodles for two weeks to meet the rent’s due date after they had spent most of their money furnishing the apartment. But they had managed to pull through and got to live there comfortably for many years. Eventually, they had even found their way out of the apartment toward new adventures. But it was funny that they had also found a way back. Right after Minseok and Junmyeon had decided to move in together, Yixing and Kyungsoo had broken up, so Yixing ended moving back and was living there ever since. Now Junmyeon had returned.

The apartment itself had been remodeled since Yixing’s arrival, for example, it had a whole new kitchen room. But the nostalgic feeling was still there. The footprints of Junmyeon’s presence were quite evident. The clothes laying on the living room floor, the mattress they had borrowed from one of Yixing’s neighbors that had the sheets and duvet undone, the dirty dishes in the sink whenever Junmyeon had to rush for work. Yixing had lived with Minseok, so he knew that tidiness and order were a crucial part of his brother’s day-to-day. Yixing had always wondered how Minseok and Junmyeon handled that discrepancy. On the other hand, the disorder didn’t bother Yixing. Besides, Junmyeon would try to lessen the mess eventually without him mentioning it.

Yixing couldn’t have any complaints about his visitor. For the past week, each morning he had woken up to see Junmyeon making breakfast for them because Yixing had said he wouldn’t accept any money from him, so Junmyeon decided that this was the least he could do for Yixing. Junmyeon probably remembered that Yixing often skipped on eating breakfast and satisfied himself with a cup of coffee. His concern caused a fuzzy feeling within Yixing. Junmyeon was friendly to him, but he couldn’t help smiling to himself whenever they sat down and ate while talking about the upcoming day. That was another habit from their days living together. The best part was that every time he walked into his living room, it smelled like a summer day after the rain, his favorite fragrance.

They hadn’t talked much about Junmyeon’s relationship problems. Yixing didn’t want to hear nor give his opinion because undoubtedly, he wouldn’t be able to be objective. Neither did he want to push Junmyeon into talking. Junmyeon was thoughtful and possibly didn’t bring it up because of Yixing’s and Minseok’s relationship. He might feel Yixing’s loyalty was with Minseok, and bad-mouthing him would be too disrespectful. But that wasn’t true, Yixing’s loyalty was with Junmyeon.

A few days ago, Minseok had come to Yixing’s office building. Minseok tended to be evasive of conflict as well, but when he got angry, he didn’t hide how much. Personal problems and Zhang Yixing’s career never mixed, so seeing how people walked by and heard Minseok shouting angrily at him in the reception hall, had Yixing somewhat embarrassed, maybe even worse than that time his sweaty armpits had dampened his shirt during a project presentation. Yixing was questioned and reprimanded for his unwanted meddling yet again, especially for filming something without permission. He was blamed for Junmyeon’s decision to call off the wedding, the embarrassment they’ll have to face now, and all the rest. Amid his anger, Minseok seemed hurt when he had said he couldn’t understand why Yixing had betrayed him, picking to side with Junmyeon and not him. For a moment Yixing had felt bad because it was true, they were the ones that had grown together. He should have kept the secret. But the nasty voice that said Junmyeon didn’t deserve any of his brother’s , suddenly took over and Yixing diminished the thought. He didn’t stay quiet and continued defending himself because lies were never justifiable, no matter the cause. The fight lasted for a good few minutes. In the end, Minseok said what Yixing already suspected, Junmyeon had wanted some time away, and he’ll give him that. But he would never forgive Yixing for this. Somehow Yixing believed Minseok probably wouldn’t. Although that made some part of Yixing feel saddened, another was still at peace.

Soon everyone had heard of the wedding being canceled, but not precisely why. Yixing had overheard Junmyeon conversing with his parents and other people, saying that they just had to reconsider things at the last minute, telling them not to worry. Neither Minseok had said the real reason because Yixing’s mother had called to ask Yixing asking if he knew what had happened between them. This time Yixing chose to keep quiet.

This sudden split made things awkward for their group of friends. They couldn’t pick sides, or well they tried not to. But it was unavoidable not to split up when trying to meet. Thus, Junmyeon wasn’t notified of their usual Friday meet up, drinks, and dinner at their favorite sports bar. Yixing could have gone, the dispute was between him and Minseok, not the other guys, but he knew that Minseok must have told Jongdae (and Sehun) the whole story, even if it ended up making him the bad guy. Yixing didn’t have any intentions of hearing what his friends would say, he believed he had acted accordingly to the moral code. Even Junmyeon, who was aware of the situation, had told Yixing to go, he’ll probably meet with them next week. But Yixing opted to stay and keep Junmyeon company.

“Hey, Xing, do you want some chips?” Junmyeon asked from the kitchen.

“Yes, please.”

Yixing put away his phone after reading Baekhyun’s message asking, ‘why does this feel like a divorce.’ His fingers had wanted to type ‘because it is,’ but he just sent back a sad emoji. He grew up with his parents already being divorced so he couldn’t know if this was how it felt. But truth be told, Yixing was happy to have Junmyeon to himself.

Junmyeon came back and sat next to him on the couch with a big bowl of chips on his lap. They would have been drinking soju, but neither of them had felt like going to the store. The baseball match began just then.

Yixing did his best to focus on the players, on the commentators, on Junmyeon’s voice, but he couldn’t help drifting away. Whenever his and Junmyeon’s hands collided in the bowl, he wanted to hold him, intertwining their fingers as they continued watching the game. Yixing wanted to get a little bit closer until their shoulders were touching, and he could rest his head against Junmyeon, and maybe Junmyeon would put an arm around his waist, holding him tight.

How many times hadn’t Yixing dreamed of a moment like this? Would the chance to ever turn those visions into reality ever come? The more he looked at Junmyeon, at his eyes, at his lips, at his soft hair, the more he wanted to believe that yes. And just then, a heartbroken Junmyeon came to his mind.

He was selfish. A selfish for thinking this way instead of hoping that his brother and Junmyeon solved their problem. Was he really being Junmyeon’s best friend for acting, thinking, and feeling this way?

“Xing!” Junmyeon said, shaking his shoulder.

It was then Yixing realized he hadn’t heard anything. “Huh?” he asked.

“I said if you think Park will hit the ball now.”

“This hasn’t been one of his best matches. I don’t think he will.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “I figured you’d say that. But you know, sometimes unexpected things happen, even miracles.”

Nervously, they watched as Park got ready to hit the ball. One strike. Two strikes. And at the third, Junmyeon clapped while pointing at the screen. “Told you!” he said excitedly.

Yixing grabbed more potato chips and shook his head while looking at Junmyeon celebrating.

If only it were like that.

 

---

 

Tonight, I was resting my head on top of your lap, your thighs felt softer than cotton. We were at our apartment, watching a movie at home but rather than paying attention to Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, I was looking at you biting your lips, anxiously waiting for what was happening on the screen. Your hand was mindlessly playing with my hair, those fingers delicately traced every part of my face, leaving a burning sensation behind. Oh, how I so often craved that you could do that in real life as well.

“Please, say you love me again,” I said, looking at your face.

All your attention was put on me now. You had a smile that was more valuable than diamonds because if you were happy, then I counted myself as the luckiest man for having witnessed it.

With a smile, you answered, “I love you.”

One of my favorite things to dream of was to hear you say, ‘I love you.’ I would never get tired of it. Words that would never be blurted out in real life could suddenly be repeated a million times if I wanted to. A million times in which my heart would jump because, yes, in here you loved me. And damn, I so had needed to hear it tonight, hear it from the fictitious ‘you’ my subconscious continued bringing to life. It amazed me how much time I had managed to avoid hearing you say those words to him. But of course, he had to be abroad and had called you to wish you goodnight even though it was midday here. And then you said it to him just like you told me moments ago and my heart broke yet again. Those words weren’t meant for me, but I loved pretending they were.

“I love you too,” I said.

And I would never get tired of finally saying them out loud because being forced to join my lips and keep them inside killed me every day.

I raised one hand to cup your cheek, those cheeks I could finally feel so close to me, and in response you leaned into my touch, still smiling.

“Your hands are so soft.”

“Not as soft as your cheek.”

Oh, that laugh was a wonder to my ears, a melody so beautiful I wouldn’t mind hearing for the rest of my life. If I were to lose hearing, the memory of your voice would be engrained in my mind, and it would be enough to keep me company in the silence.

“Mian, you’re so beautiful, did you know?”

“I think you’re the most beautiful, Xing. Every room you walk in, people can’t help staring at you. It sometimes makes me jealous.”

“It’s you they’re looking at, dummy. I just happen to be around.”

“My love, how can’t you see what I see in you?”

A conversation like this could go on forever. That had been the thing about us, we could have spent hours debating a topic, and it would never be considered time lost. Now, you had those debates with him. I was no longer there to discuss with you on what movie, what song, what new bathroom rug we needed. I missed it. I missed you even though we met weekly with our friends, even though you could be there with me I missed you.

The dream continued with me sitting up straight to silent you with my lips. The movie was long forgotten, and I couldn’t care less because I was in your arms and you were in mine.

I loved dreaming of you, but I was also starting to hate it. I hated the aftertaste of waking up, of knowing that everything my eyes just witnessed was an illusion, a farce, lies that I made up for myself.

Why couldn’t I be the lucky one to be with you in the outside world as well?

Why couldn’t you be mine there as well?

Why couldn’t I be yours?

Why couldn’t you love me?

Why?

 

---

 

As the balmy days of June passed, Yixing continued being in a good mood. It might be because of his love for summer and dislike of cold days, or it might have to do with Junmyeon still staying with him. It had been around three weeks since that night he appeared at his living room in the dark.

In a way, he felt he and Junmyeon had gotten much closer. They had always been connected, but when each of them had been involved in their respective relationships, a sort of distance had existed between them. One time, Junmyeon had even stayed away for a very long time. It was the kind of distance that tended to appear when our partners suddenly become our new best friends, our new priorities and everyone else was just there. Yixing was glad to have this connection with Junmyeon back, of course, he’ll be even gladder if it upgraded to something else.

Junmyeon seemed to be smiling more these days as well, but that seemed to be around Yixing only. His best friend still hadn’t opened up to him about anything yet. Yixing was afraid to ask. He sometimes heard the sliding door to the balcony open, the muffled voice of Junmyeon talking to someone on the phone. Many times, Yixing was afraid to wake up one day, and hear Junmyeon say ‘I’m going back now.’ He didn’t want him to go back, even if he knew that was selfish towards his brother.

Minseok had attended Yixing’s mother’s birthday dinner yesterday, of course, he would. For the sake of their parent’s, they hadn’t fought or bickered in any way. Yet the tension between them was so dense it could have been cut with the steak knife in Yixing’s hands. Yixing opted to avoid his brother’s scornful look. When Yixing was hugging goodbye to his mom, she whispered in his hear that whatever was going on, they should fix it. Yixing looked at her, smiled, but couldn’t promise anything. And even so, Yixing was happy.

Happy because Junmyeon was still there, almost at all times. They shared the work desk in Yixing’s home office. While Junmyeon was busy preparing for his lectures, and Yixing was supposed to look over some papers, he got lost in Junmyeon. His eyes appreciated Junmyeon’s concentration mien, the way he would bite his lower lips, how he’ll reach his hand to pick up his coffee mug and drink, and how when he noticed Yixing’s stupid staring, he’ll smile and ask if something was wrong. Yixing would always say no. This was almost the sort of life Yixing could only dream of them being together. Almost because in that dream he could sweep everything from the desk, lean forward and catch Junmyeon’s lips, kissing him to his heart’s content.

The meetups with their other friends were not as awkward as in the beginning. Even a schedule had been made. One night they hung out with Minseok, the other night with Junmyeon and Yixing because Yixing didn’t go when Minseok was there. By now they had found out what had happened because Junmyeon had mentioned it one time after Baekhyun was the one who dared to ask him upfront what was going on. Yixing’s name was omitted. But the look that Jongdae gave Yixing told that he knew the truth. When it was only them, Jongdae had also told Yixing that he shouldn’t have gotten in the way, he didn’t agree with what Minseok had done, but neither did he think the way Yixing handled the situation was right, considering everything that Minseok and Junmyeon had lost at the last minute. Jongdae had even asked Yixing to convince Junmyeon to sort things out with Minseok because if there was someone that could do that, it was Yixing. Minseok was suffering, had Jongdae said. Trying his best to mask what he felt, Yixing nodded even though he knew he wouldn’t.

Every year, Yixing and his friends would save one weekend to go to the beach. Yixing still remembered last year, when he had witnessed how Minseok and Junmyeon held hands, kissed and acted like the couple they were. Back then he hadn’t recognized the bitter feeling within him as jealousy yet. He had felt it was ridiculous to feel that way just because he had to attend alone. This year, the trip didn’t happen. Everyone probably thought it was wrong to keep traditions that were meant to be among all of them. But Yixing still wanted to go. The office was driving him mad with the amount of paperwork. The change in scenery was necessary.

Or maybe the necessity to be away from Junmyeon for a while was the real reason. He couldn’t trust himself these days. One day he would just hold his soft cheeks and kiss him until they were both out of breath. That was how much he wanted it. Perhaps at that moment, it would seem reasonable, it won’t matter. But he was afraid of what would happen next, of what Junmyeon would say.

However, his plans changed when Junmyeon asked him that morning where he was going. Junmyeon said he wanted to go too, and Yixing couldn’t find the voice to say no, stay here. In a way, his heart fluttered at the thought of them going together. But a shirtless Junmyeon would push Yixing to the limits. It was hard enough that every time Yixing heard the shower run at home he knew Junmyeon was in there. He just hoped he would be able to not look at Junmyeon too much.

Thankfully, Yixing didn’t get to find out whether his ogling eyes would have been able to resist or not. The sky was overcast as they drove to the outskirts of the city. Yixing couldn’t have chosen a better day. But it was still warm, and they would have been able to enjoy the day if it hadn’t been for the moment they arrived at the beach, the rain fell abundantly above them. People were quickly taking their children, packing their stuff, and running on the sand to find shelter from the rain.

“Let’s go out anyway,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing’s mom always warned him from walking under the rain, saying that he would only end up sick. Thus, he learned her habit and always carried an umbrella in the glove compartment. Junmyeon still seemed to remember that because he took it out.

Their shoulders bumped as they walked through the sand, their bare feet carrying grains of sand with them. How ridiculous that Yixing’s heart was beating frantically because they were sharing an umbrella. They had done this so many times in high school when Junmyeon always forgot to bring one when the weather forecasted rain.

Junmyeon stopped them right where the end of the waves washed over their feet. The pitter-patter of the rain hitting against the umbrella, the sound of water meeting water, the way the droplets landed on the ocean, Yixing had never felt this calm before. During stressful times, he used ambient sounds to go to sleep, but there was nothing like being there, seeing it with his own eyes, and on top of all, having the person he loved next to him.

His emotions for Junmyeon intensified when Junmyeon tilted his head toward Yixing’s shoulder. It didn’t mean anything, he had to repeat that a thousand time, so he wouldn’t do something he’ll regret. The pain of holding himself from taking his hand and say it was like a needle piercing his skin.

“It’s beautiful,” Junmyeon said, “Bracing sea air, I love that scent.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It reminds me of that afternoon in Changsha, don’t you think so?”

It did. That one-time Yixing had taken Junmyeon to the Orange Isle, but the rain had ruined their day, and they had witnessed almost this same spectacle happening at the Xiang River. Yixing hadn’t had an umbrella, but the enchanting view had been worth standing there for half an hour, even if his grandmother ended up taking care of them when they got sick.

Yixing smiled at the memories. It was strange that he had more fond reminiscences of him and Junmyeon together than of any partner he had. Not even after being with Kyungsoo for four years.

“Yes, and then we got sick for one week.”

Junmyeon laughed. “Laolao took good care of us,” he said with almost a perfect intonation in Mandarin.

Yixing gulped. “Mian,” he said.

“Yes?”

His lips trembled. He couldn’t move them to pronounce those words. Eventually, Junmyeon lifted his head from Yixing’s shoulder and looked at him with a frown, waiting for him to continue.

“We should go back.”

 

---

 

Please, how do I put an end to this? How can I erase you from my heart? How can I stop dreaming of something that may never come true?

You said it yourself. Today. You told me, ‘I don’t know, but I think maybe he’s the one’ and then you smiled shyly. I’ve never heard you say that about any of your previous partners. Your practical nature had always made you say, ‘we’ll see how it goes.’ But now you’re even living together, going on anniversary trips abroad, attending your relative’s weddings and whatnot. Nobody before him had made you think they might be the one. The one. I didn't dare to tell you that was a stupid thought because it couldn’t be him, it wasn’t him, it must be… me. I couldn’t say those poisonous words, even if I were biting my tongue to not mention anything. If he really was your one, then who was I to say against? I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to be loved and treasured, I wanted you to have a family, and do all of those things even if it wasn’t with me.

After crying myself to sleep, I came to meet you here, the illusion I kept making myself believe was you. I can’t even stop weeping here, but you were holding me in your arms. My distress was causing you distress, but you were still gently caressing my back, whispering sweet nothings to calm me down.

“Shhhh. My love, it’s okay.”

I profusely shook my head against your chest. “It-it’s not, it will never be,” I managed to speak through my bawling.

“I love you.”

You didn’t, not how I wanted you to love me. But this fake you kept reassuring me it did, it loved me. And for the first time ever I didn’t feel happy. I was miserable thinking of how pathetic I continued being.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Lies. The moment I woke up from this, it would be gone. The illusionary world ended, and I was on my own facing a grey world in which you loved someone else. How could I keep lying to myself this way?

You pampered my dampened face with kisses. You were hurting because I was hurting. You continued holding me and comforting me while I said ‘no, no, it’s not like that.’ But you said against, and I heard more ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m here with you.’

Dreaming of you was not helping my case. I was aware I should stop forging this fake bit of happiness in my head, this fleeting moment in which I pretended everything was okay because it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay, it wasn’t alright.

But how could I stop when even those times I deliberately avoided to meet you in my dreams, you somehow still appeared?

The longing for you was so intense, I was afraid it might never end.

Oh, when will I stop dreaming and wake up for ’s sake?

  

---

 

Yixing wanted to say it. As each day he looked at Junmyeon smiling, talking, cooking, laughing, sleeping with parted lips and tousled hair, looking all beautiful, he wanted to break the silence and finally say it.

Fear was still there of course. Everything could go wrong if he said it. Junmyeon would be surprised, shocked, even reject him. He’ll move out. Their friendship might turn weird and awkward until one day not even the shell of their previous relationship would remain. Disaster awaited, that was a risk. But what if things went the other way? What if Junmyeon was hesitant to leave Minseok because he was afraid of making a mistake and ending up alone? Was that why he had been staying here for so long? What if saying I love you would make him take that step? What if he chose Yixing?

He had never been much of an optimistic, no, his mother had always taught him that fairy tales were fantasies and fabrications. Impossible things will be impossible things. He remembered being five and saying he dreamed of becoming a Super Saiyan, only for it to be immediately diminished and was told he should be a lawyer, a doctor, or a teacher. Yixing ended up becoming a marketing specialist. But only this one time he wanted to believe it would. Just once the world could be within his arm’s reach. He decided to lock in their rational voice in his head and don’t let it dictate him anymore when impossible things could be possible. He let the hopeful soul, the one that believed the thought of Junmyeon loving him was real, wander free.

All the reasons that had been holding him back began to dissipate. Who cared if Minseok would end up hating him? Who cared if his friends, his family and everyone else ended up judging him? Who cared if they called him a selfish, despicable bastard? Yixing was in love, and it was about damn time he said.

In the ending days of July, Yixing had waited enough.

By now Junmyeon’s smile had grown bigger every time they greeted each other in the mornings. Junmyeon was laughing more, being himself and not the façade he had pretended to be this whole time. His old semblance was returning, contagious and illuminating Yixing’s way. Why was that? Most of the times Yixing wondered if he was the reason, or if he was mistaken. Ultimately, he didn’t ask anything, fearing to hear about Minseok instead. The fantasy would shatter if Junmyeon said what Yixing wasn’t expecting. So, for the first time ever, he’ll just say it and hope for the best.

There wasn’t any time for a grand confession, he’ll get to do more memorable things on another occasion… Hopefully. For now, Yixing thought it was best just to let the words roll out of his tongue. But as he was walking to the train station after leaving work, he couldn’t help it. It had been years since the last time he had pondered over what flowers to buy for someone that wasn't his mother. Kyungsoo had been allergic to flowers, but even if he hadn’t been, he hadn’t been a fan of that kind of gestures either. Yixing picked the only three sunflowers in the store. It would have been nice to give Junmyeon a flower whose meaning conveyed what he felt. However, Junmyeon loved sunflowers the most. The smile he had had when they visited that sunflower field that one time was an unforgettable one.

His heart was beating the fastest it had ever done while he was on the train back home. Junmyeon was probably making dinner for them right now. Yixing’s mind replayed over what he’ll do: walk in, hand him the sunflowers and say I love you. Even if his heart couldn’t wait to jump out of his chest, his lips were smiling. He smiled expectantly at the thought that, that this could be his chance.

He walked through the main door of the apartment building alongside his upstairs neighbor. Yixing gave her a hand with her groceries as they waited for the elevator. He didn’t mind walking the groceries to the old lady’s door. Impatient, Yixing opted to walk down the stairs rather than to wait for the elevator to come back.

After reaching the last step, ready to bolt to the left, he stopped short. Familiar voices could be heard. Minseok was there, talking or rather arguing with Junmyeon. He could faintly hear the agitation in Junmyeon, the desperation in Minseok. Trying to be as invisible as possible, he peeked through the walls. Junmyeon and Minseok were standing at the end of the hall.

“What else do you want me to do, Junmyeon? I’ve admitted my mistakes, I’ve apologized a thousand times now,” Minseok said while holding Junmyeon’s arms. “What else do you want from me? Do you want to kneel and ask for your forgiveness? Because, damn, I’ll do that if it means you’ll come back to me.”

Yixing had never seen this side of his brother before. Of the few meaningful relationships Minseok had had, not once had he cared enough to ask for a second chance. His brother had merely shrugged and said ‘well, that’s how life is.’ Yixing had hoped Minseok would have felt the same this time, that he’ll shrug and let Junmyeon go, that he’ll accept it was over and move on. Instead, it seemed Minseok had probably apologized to Junmyeon many times by now. And as he watched his brother getting ready to kneel on the floor, Yixing realized how wrong he had been. Or how stupid he had been for believing that.

“Don’t do that,” Junmyeon hurried to say, stopping Minseok from continuing with his pathetic apologizing.

“Then, what is it, Jun? Why is it that you can’t forgive me?”

“I-I trusted you. You let me down. It-it’s hard to look past that. I’m not sure, I’m-”

“I’m truly sorry. If I could go back and change it, believe me, I would,” Minseok pleaded.

Junmyeon nodded with a look that showed he believed that was true. “I know. But I also know how you used to be. Do you remember how this whole thing started? I was drunk and miserable, you were drunk, we were single, we had . We did that for months until I persuaded you that perhaps we should try dating, even if I wasn’t sure we even had feelings for each other then. But things changed for me, and I fell in love with you. I thought you had felt the same… Perhaps I shouldn’t have expected too much from you. Perhaps this was meant to happen someday.”

Yixing’s eyes widened. He had never heard that before. For years he had believed that one day, Minseok and Junmyeon had developed feelings for each other and then decided to give it a shot. That was what everyone knew. But now, hearing that it had all started so casually? Had his break up with Minho been that bad that he found comfort in Minseok? The worst part was hearing that despite everything, Junmyeon had come to care about Minseok.

“Don’t say that,” Minseok said, “That’s not true, I also feel the same as you! You also came to mean a lot to me. I was an idiot, I know what I did was incredibly wrong. And being drunk and a scared doesn’t justify it. I know I should have told you, Jun, I know and I’m so sorry. But, trust me, I won’t happen again.” Minseok held Junmyeon’s cheeks in his hands. “Yes, I doubted for a moment, but please believe me when I say that now I’m more certain than ever that I want to be with you. That I need you. That I love you so much. And that I can’t possibly live without you, Junmyeon, because life is too ing miserable without you there.”

Yixing thought he could see tears in the corners of Minseok’s eyes, they were undoubtedly glistening. His voice had sounded so pitiful as well, a tone that continued making Yixing think, was that really Minseok? At the same time, it angered him to know that he could relate to his brother’s words. For a moment he thought of jumping forward and say, ‘don’t trust him!’ but he couldn’t. He could only stare at them, at Junmyeon who had a doubtful, cautious expression.

“I love you too,” Junmyeon said, certain and not wavering his voice. Then he looked away from Minseok’s eyes and stared at the floor. “And I want to believe in you, Minseok, but I…”

“But what? What is it that’s holding you back from giving us a shot? Please believe in me when I say that I love you and that I’m really, really sorry for not telling you about it.”

For some moments Junmyeon didn’t say anything. He continued staring at the floor while Minseok stood in front of him, waiting anxiously for the next thing Junmyeon would say. Minseok’s hands were holding Junmyeon’s hands now.

As horrible as it was, Yixing was hoping Junmyeon would say no, withdraw his hands, tell him to leave and walk back into the apartment.

“Give me more time to think about it,” Junmyeon said and had the hallway not been this peaceful, Yixing wouldn’t have heard it.

Minseok seemed hurt but nodded, nonetheless. “I’ll wait for you, Jun. I’ll wait until you can come back to me and I can show how serious and determined I am about us. Please believe me when I say that I love you.” Minseok leaned in to kiss Junmyeon on the forehead, Yixing thought Junmyeon would reject him, but he let him. And then Junmyeon walked inside the apartment while Minseok stared at him longingly.

Swiftly, Yixing turned around to hide. He believed he could hear his brother crying while he waited for the elevator. When the elevator doors closed, he could finally breathe out.

In silence, Yixing looked at his hands holding the sunflowers. The paper was rumpled from how hard he had been grasping them.

I love you, too.

Those words were meant to be said for Minseok, not for him. Those words were about them, not about Yixing and Junmyeon. Junmyeon didn’t love him, he loved Minseok.

Miracles don’t come true, Yixing.

The words always came to him the right times, making him laugh bitterly and curse at everything for what he could never have.

Of course, he had been expecting too much. Of course, he couldn’t just have thought he could walk in there, profess his immense love for Junmyeon and hope he felt the same way. Even though Junmyeon didn’t entirely trust his brother, he still loved him. And the day Junmyeon realizes he can believe in their future together again, he’ll go, he’ll go back to Minseok and leave him all alone.

How pathetic. How stupid. How ridiculously stupid could you be?

This was what he got for being an idiot, for believing that this could come true. It had never been, Junmyeon loving him had never been a reality, only an imaginary longing embedded in the depts of his heart.

He wanted to tear down the bouquet in his hands. Tear it into a million pieces like his heart was currently being shredded. It wasn’t until something hit his hand that he realized tears were streaming down his face. The only thing he did was to let go of the flowers, making them land on the stairs, stomping on them with his feet.

He hated it. He hated them. He hated himself so much for not being able to accept what was true so long ago. He hated how pathetic he was, how weak and stupid he had become.

When he felt that he wouldn’t cry anymore, when the lack of air had stopped, he walked back into the apartment. He was thinking of a silly excuse to say to avoid Junmyeon for the rest of the night, but the place was quiet, the kitchen was empty as well as the living room. Perhaps Junmyeon was in the bathroom. It wasn’t until Yixing had come to his bedroom that he heard sobs from the other room, the home office. Junmyeon’s cries, hiccups, and sniffles could be heard from the inside.

Why was he crying? Did it hurt him this much to know that to shelter his heart for a bit he had to push away the man he loved? Where did his anguish come from?

The same pain Yixing had felt when he destroyed Junmyeon’s birthday came back. It mixed with the knowledge that this man didn’t love him, and the sensation was so suffocating it would have drowned him.

Junmyeon was crying. Junmyeon was sad. Junmyeon was miserable.

And that wicked part of Yixing wanted him to feel that way, the angry side that was still bitter because Junmyeon didn’t love him shouted that he deserved the same pain, both Minseok, and Junmyeon. But the better part of Yixing ceased that selfish stream of thought. Junmyeon didn’t deserve to feel this way, Junmyeon shouldn’t be miserable and crying on his own. Junmyeon was his best friend for ’s sake, how could Yixing wish something this despicable?

Junmyeon looked up from the spot at the floor where he was sitting when Yixing opened the door. His puffy cheeks, as well as his eyes, were red and swollen. It seemed he had been crying for some time. His dark hair was falling down on his forehead. And he looked so small and innocent that Yixing immediately felt disgusted with himself for wishing this upon Junmyeon. He just wanted to keep him safe, protected from all the pain that was hurting him.

“Xi-Xing,” Junmyeon spoke with a brittle voice. He hurried himself to brush away the tears and snot with his forearm.

“Mian,” Yixing said, kneeling on the floor beside him. “You’re crying,” he said the obvious. Shamelessly, he opened his arms for Junmyeon to come to him, and Junmyeon did. Even if holding Junmyeon in his arms was something Yixing always dreamed of, this wasn’t how he wanted it to happen. Junmyeon should have pushed him away, but instead, he was finding comfort in Yixing’s arms while crying.

They hugged until Junmyeon calmed down until Junmyeon no longer sobbed and no tears were running down his face until Junmyeon fell asleep in his arms and Yixing carried him to put him on his bed. Yixing let Junmyeon sleep there for tonight while he went to lay on the couch and cried.

 

---

 

The next times I met you here no longer feel the same. Slowly, the anguish was invading my reverie. I was getting more and more aware that this wasn’t true. I was getting tired of waiting for everything to turn into my reality.

“What’s wrong, love?” you asked.

I think tonight I was dreaming of that time we had just moved into this apartment. There were not many furnitures at our place, but we had recently bought our own couch. Did you remember that grey couch? We bought it at IKEA, where besides looking for a new sofa and bathroom curtains, we wasted time on the furniture showrooms, imagining that one day we’ll have a room like this. It took us a whole afternoon to assemble the couch because we were both dumb at figuring out the instructions. But when it was done, we laid there feeling proud of ourselves, eating our instant noodles because that was what we could afford for now. We had thrown away that couch years ago when we had more resources to buy whatever we wanted, but somehow, I remembered it tonight. Maybe because you had called, and among the many things you said, you mentioned that you and he were going to buy a new couch.

“Nothing,” I replied.

You pouted, and I almost laughed because that was what you tended to do when you weren’t pleased with something. But I couldn’t. Because this wasn’t real and that wasn’t you.

“Come on now. Spill the beans,” you said.

“It’s just that… I’m tired.”

“Because of work?”

“Because of you.”

It was amazing how well I could remember your expressions. My subconscious perfectly imitated your astonishment, your lower lip was hanging open and your wide eyes.

“Why? Have I done something to you?”

“You don’t love me, and I’m tired of waiting for you. It hurts too much.”

You gave me a rueful smile. “But, can’t you see I love you right now?” Then you pressed your lips on top of my head.

The elation I used to feel was no longer here.

“Only until I wake up.”

Then, you went mute. Because if I wanted to, I would cancel the sound of your voice lying to my face. Don’t feed the monster within me, the one that still hopes for you to break up and be miserable, so I could come and heal your pain.

The dreams got shorter and shorter because I was no longer handling it well.

When there was no happiness in the real world nor my dreams, what else did I have?

 

---

 

Jongdae’s words made sense now. ‘It ruined a wedding. It ruined them.’ Weeks ago Yixing had shrugged at Jongdae’s comment and thought his friend was exaggerating. But it was as Yixing pondered, watching over the city beneath him, that he was freeing himself from the fog that had been blinding him.

Yixing will always believe that he had done the right thing by telling Junmyeon about it. The method had been wrong, though, really wrong. He shouldn’t have filmed such a damaging moment and then showed it to Junmyeon on his birthday. There were a time and a place for such delicate matters. He should have told Minseok what he’ll do and maybe then his brother would have woken up and acted correctly. And if Minseok still hadn’t listened, then he should have said it calmly to Junmyeon, in privacy. But the raging jealousy and selfishness within him had made him rush and act without thinking. It was too late to change things.

This whole time he had thought of himself and none else. When it hadn’t only been him that was suffering, it had also been Junmyeon and Minseok. He had never seen his brother that distressed before, that desperate for something he felt so out of reach. It took his brother a stupid drunken mistake to realize it, but Minseok did care. Minseok had never cared for someone as much as he cared for Junmyeon. Neither had Yixing seen Junmyeon break down in his arms, not since Mrs. Kim had gotten sick and was staying in the hospital.

The sounds of Junmyeon’s cries were a melancholic tune, a sad melody Yixing didn’t wish to remember. Stupidly, he had missed seeing that all this time Junmyeon had been in pain as well. Yixing’s desperate mind had made up this false sense of happiness that Junmyeon probably had never felt. Yixing had believed in Junmyeon’s façade. He should have been there for him, not only ignored the matter since that night Junmyeon appeared on his living room. This love had made him selfish, jealous and cruel for wishing the heartache of two people, only for him to end up happy.

The glass door slid open, interrupting him from his thoughts. Junmyeon came to stand next to him on the balcony. His best friend was still wearing the clothes from yesterday. The sings of crying were still present on his face, the swollen eyes and dried tears while his hair was tousled everywhere. Yixing looked the same, but neither of them mentioned anything. They had seen so much of each other in the past when they had lived together. Heck, Yixing remembered that one time he had vomited in Junmyeon presence, but Junmyeon still had helped his drunk .

“Good morning, Xing,” Junmyeon said, smiling faintly.

Yixing tried to reciprocate the gesture, but he knew the smile barely made it.

“Hi, Mian.”

In silence, they watched over the city, where buildings came into view, and cars occasionally drove by. It was a warm, pleasant morning. And them standing there wasn’t awkward, it was just tranquil. Despite being curious, Yixing decided to wait for Junmyeon instead. He also needed time to gather himself after last night’s turmoil.

“About last night,” Junmyeon finally began. His hands were firmly holding on the railing, as he kept his eyes looking down.

“Yeah? Are you feeling better now?”

Yixing thought it was better to play it off as if he hadn’t pried and overheard their conversation. Although it had been the wake-up call to his foolishness, those were intimate talks he knew he shouldn’t have heard. He wanted to stop giving Junmyeon more reasons to dislike him.

Junmyeon nodded. “I kind of am.”

“What happened?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon raised his head to look at him. “Minseok came over.”

Yixing couldn’t figure out the emotion in Junmyeon’s voice. It could have been anything from disappointment to heartbroken.

“I figured, I saw him leaving the apartment complex.” At least this response would let Junmyeon know why Yixing hadn’t been so alert at hearing his answer.

“We’ve… Actually, met before. At the start of the month, he reached out to me because he wanted to assume his mistakes. I heard him, but I didn’t know what to do, I asked him to give me more space to think. But even after that we sometimes talked on the phone, and I got to hear what he had to say again.” Junmyeon explained.

So even though Junmyeon had needed space, he still hadn’t mind keeping in touch with Minseok. Suddenly the late nights in which he heard the balcony doors open made sense. The fog was dissipating more and more.

Yixing had an idea of what had been said, but he still wanted to hear it from Junmyeon. “What did he say?”

He let out a tired sigh. “That he’s sorry. That I was right. And that he should have told me about it, he lied and that wasn’t good. He also said that he should have talked to me about his doubts early. But according to him, those doubts are no longer there. He also said that… That he loves me, has always done so and will always do.”

“Do you believe it?”

Yixing hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath in until he heard Junmyeon speak again.

“I do, I believe he loves me but…”

“But what?”

“I’m scared, Xing. I’m just scared of getting hurt again.”

Fear of getting hurt, that was something Yixing could relate to far too well. The disastrous break-up with Kyungsoo had ignited it. Suddenly everyone had become untrustworthy, everyone would end up hurting him. Then, he fell in love with Junmyeon and Yixing’s new fear was being rejected, he hadn’t ever thought that Junmyeon would betray him. But of course, he couldn’t say to Junmyeon ‘fall in love with me, I won’t ever hurt you’ not when he had been part of this whole disaster, not when last night Junmyeon had said he loved Minseok.

“Do you still love him?” Yixing asked anyway.

“Yes, I, I do love him. But… I don’t know what to do. Do I protect myself or do I believe once again?”

So, the outburst from last night had just been the collision of the Junmyeon who was fighting to shelter himself from pain and the Junmyeon that wanted to go back to the man he loved. That was all Yixing needed to hear.

“We will never know what others will do to us in the future. Yes, you might get hurt again, but also, you might be happy. You can’t let fear decide for you, Mian. It will hold you back, and you’ll end up missing on a lot of things. It’s… better to live with knowing what happened than what could have happened.” As Yixing said those words, he felt he was saying that more for himself than Junmyeon.

“So, you think I should go back to him?”

No, you should stay with me.

Yixing bit his lips. There was nothing left to do.

“I think you should listen to your own heart. My opinion won’t change anything, Mian, you should do what you want.”

Junmyeon gave him a smile, not a happy one, just one as if he agreed with what Yixing had said. “Thank you, Xing,” he said before reaching to put his hand on top of Yixing’s own hand.

This was probably the last time he’ll ever feel Junmyeon’s hand cupping him. He smiled, more for himself than for Junmyeon.

 

---

 

When I began feeling this way for you, I believed my lucid dreaming was a blessing, just what I needed to cope with the ache, my way of finding some momentary happiness. Months later it had turned to my voluntary agony.

I can’t keep running to your fake arms to find comfort. I can’t stay blind to the truth forever, come here to pretend you loved me. Because you don’t, you don’t love me that way, and you may possibly never do.

This night I went to sleep mortified with shame and guilt, hatred and disgust for myself, letting the tears flow down my face for being such an . And as soon as I had lost consciousness, I met ‘you’ here.

You were standing in our living room, looking out the glass doors. Many times, when you were still living with me, I used to see you from my seat at the dining table. I loved your frown and the hand on your chin while you were thinking. I used to smile, thinking of how someone could be so beautiful, so kind and caring.

A part of me was reluctant to move, but I did it anyway. You felt my presence and turned around, smiling at me. Just a few hours ago I had seen the same dimpled smile, the one I loved to most.

“My love,” you greeted me, just like you had said to him.

It sounded so wrong, so distasteful. “Don’t say that.”

There was confusion on your face again. God, why did you have to look so cute even while confused? “What? Is everything okay, Mian?” you asked me with concern in your voice.

“This has to end,” I blurted, making my own heart wince in pain. “You have to leave. I can’t do this anymore.”

You moved forward to hold my hand. I looked at our entangled hands, it felt comforting and almost peaceful.

“I love you,” you said, and it so sounded so damn real, but it wasn’t.

I gulped to keep my tears at bay. “No. No. No. Stop saying that.”

Hurriedly, you put your arms around me, enveloping me in a warmness I didn’t deserve.

“Mian, it’s true. I love you. I’m not going to leave you.”

Why did you have to sound so real? Why did you almost make me believe in you? Because it wasn’t, it wasn’t real. It was my own mind forcing you to say it, using you as my puppet to console my pathetic self without any qualm.

I shut my eyes as I feel your hand caressing my back in a lulling pattern.

This wasn’t you. This wasn’t your touch. This wasn’t your voice. This wasn’t your love. Because none of this was real. The real you loved him and not me. The real you were sleeping in his arms, not mine. The real you were happy with him and not me. The fact that it had to come this long for me to fully accept it was terrible. I couldn’t keep being this terrible to you, to him, and to myself.

Dreaming on until it came true will never happen. So, I decided to wake up and face the real world once and for all.

I rid myself of you. I push you away and hold you in place with my hands.

“Yes, you will because I can’t keep meeting you in my dreams because you’re not him! You will never be him. Every ing time I wake up, you won’t be there because none of this is real.”

“That’s not-”

“Stop. Can’t you understand how much this pains me? Loving you hurts.”

“No, Mi-Mian.”

“And worst of all, this has blinded me so much, I’ve become so ing awful.”

Because it wasn’t only me, that got hurt.

I was so damn pathetic. Kyungsoo caught me about to steal a kiss from you. Can you see how twisted I had become? You invited me to spend some time with you two, you treated me so kindly like the best friend you had always been. And what did I do? I saw you napping peacefully on your couch. I lost myself staring at you, admiring how beautiful you were sleeping, and whatever it was that you were dreaming of had you looking happy. And I thought that, that nobody will know, nobody will ever know that I tasted your lips just one time, just one quick peck on the lips to finally stop wondering what it felt like. So, my head began leaning in towards you, until I could feel your breathing tickling my lips. I closed my eyes thinking that this was it. Until your boyfriend’s arm forcefully grabbed me, pushing me away from you. Kyungsoo was too damn nice and rational to not punch me in the face. Yixing, if it had been me, I wouldn’t have shown any clemency because I ing deserved it.

You were asleep, and I was about to kiss you, you who were in a relationship. What the hell was I thinking? Nothing and most definitely not my ‘love’ for you could ever justify such a vile act.

Look what I had become.

I have been so blinded by my selfish feelings, by my ‘love’ for you that I was about to commit such a horrible act, kissing you on the house you shared with your partner. I kept thinking of me, me and me, and how I would feel, but what about you? I was about to break your trust, cross a boundary that one should never set foot on. You would have hated me and tossed me away from your life, and it would all have been so right. Because what I almost did was wrong, it would have been all so wrong I’m still feeling so sickened with myself for even thinking that.

I’m so sorry.

I can’t let this love for you engulf my heart anymore. I have to get rid of it, bury it and move the on for everyone’s sakes. Because I shamelessly begged your boyfriend to not tell you what I almost did, what I felt for you. Because I didn’t want you to find out how ugly I could be. Because I promised to stay away from you until everything I felt died out. Because I wouldn’t ever interfere with your relationship anymore. Because you deserved so much ing better than me, you will always deserve better than me. Because you have never loved me that way, and I have to accept that and stop believing one day you will.

“It’s time to let you go,” I told the illusion of you I had so carefully crafted.

I’m removing the blindfold to see the world and myself for what it was.

I will not fool myself anymore.

I will not fool you anymore.

I’m finally letting you go, Yixing.

  

---

 

There were a lot of boxes in the living room. Almost everything had been packed, it was mostly stuff from Yixing’s office and the kitchen that was left undone. The moving company would be there tomorrow, so Yixing was hoping that by tonight all of his belongings would be ready to go.

The beginning days of October were finally here. He didn’t think it was a big deal to turn thirty, he wouldn’t feel any different than being twenty-nine. Even so, Yixing thought he needed a fresh start. Although he was starting to heal himself, to accept that Junmyeon had left weeks ago, that Junmyeon’s choice had ultimately been Minseok, and that he and Junmyeon just were not meant to be, he wouldn’t accomplish all that here. The reverie of his young twenty-year-old self just had too many memories, too many regrets. This place was haunted by the ghost of something that will never happen.

When someone at work had mentioned they were moving abroad and were selling their apartment, Yixing went to take a look. It was bigger. It was located downtown and only a twenty-minute walk from his job, a whole new neighborhood where old aunties wouldn’t recognize him and ask about how Junmyeon was doing. It would be more expensive, but still within his affordable range. He took it. After making a deal and signing the papers, he waited for a few weeks until the walls were painted, and the wooden floors replaced to his liking.

“Min and Chanyeol are bringing food from that Sichuan place, what do you want to eat, Xing?” Junmyeon asked from the kitchen. “Mapo tofu?”

Yixing smiled. Even though Junmyeon already knew what Yixing would say, he would still ask him. “Yes, that sounds good!” he said.

His friends and brother had agreed to help him pack his stuff for the big moving. They had supported his decision, even Junmyeon had said that change was always good. Last night, amid watching a baseball game and drinking some beers, they had helped him pack. Naturally, at some point, they focused more on the game and sharing conversations rather than wrapping stuff. It had almost felt as if the interlude of the summer hadn’t taken place. There was no awkward air when Minseok and Junmyeon were back together. And his brother no longer seemed to hate him. After all, they had talked, a long talk. Yixing had apologized for his meddling and mistakes, just as Minseok had done. They forgave each other, there wasn’t really any need for resentment, they were brothers. Of course, the envious monster would try to appear from time to time, but Yixing was learning to cope with it and vanish it.

“I’m done with the kitchen now. How’s it going in here?” Junmyeon asked, standing under the doorframe.

“It’s fine. I’m half-way there.”

Yixing had left his office for last because not only would he pack some stuff but would also get rid of some. All his books, magazines along with personal things that he wanted to keep were packed in the boxes. He had also sorted out useful stuff for work. But Yixing knew he had saved a bunch of papers and documents from his college years, heck even high-school. Perhaps some of them were worth keeping, but the rest were just meaningless papers, and he didn’t want to hoard a bunch of unnecessary stuff in the new apartment.

Junmyeon went to sit on the floor beside him. He didn’t jump in to help to organize the flood of papers on the floor but began looking inside the box labeled ‘trash.’ They laughed together when Junmyeon suddenly recalled how some assignments had kept Yixing awake at night, or made him effusively complain at his inefficient, lazy classmates during a group project.

“Oh,” Junmyeon said after his laugh died, and he stared at the thick leather notebook in his hands. “You still kept this?” he asked.

The notebook had actually been bought during a two-for-one deal when they were in their second year of high school. Junmyeon had had the other one. When Yixing had learned that Junmyeon could lucid dream, he had incessantly asked his best friend to teach him how. It sounded amazing! But there was no secret method to achieve that, some people were just gifted with it. Still, Junmyeon and Yixing had a look on the internet and found some ‘tips’ that might work. Keeping a dream journal was one of them, and that was why Junmyeon had bought one for him.

“Yeah, but I haven’t used it in years.”

“I think you only did it for like two weeks and then gave up.”

Junmyeon chuckled along with Yixing. Maybe if he had continued, he would have achieved it. But Yixing got tired and lost interest. The rest of the pages in the notebook were filled with miscellaneous notes like what he needed to do one day, or what he needed to buy, stuff like that.

“I didn’t see results, so I got bored very quickly.”

“I know.”

“Did you even use yours as a dream journal? You’re the one who can lucid dream. Why would you need? Wait, you still can, right?”

“Yes, I can,” Junmyeon said, he continued looking inside the notebook. “And I did use it as a dream journal, sort of. I couldn’t remember all my dreams.”

“Do you still write them down?”

This time Junmyeon put the notebook back inside the box. He shook his head. “No, I stopped doing that years ago.”

Yixing nodded. “Well, not all dreams are worth remembering.”

“Certainly,” Junmyeon agreed, looking at bit distant, or Yixing thought he did.

The rest of the afternoon passed rather quickly. Junmyeon, Minseok, and Chanyeol had helped him fix the last of his stuff. Jongdae and Sehun couldn’t come this afternoon, and Baekhyun had a date with his boyfriend, but they had said they would swing by tomorrow to help him unpack instead. Initially, Yixing had felt somewhat bad because his friends were wasting their Friday night and weekend helping him, but they had retaliated saying ‘that’s what friends do.’ So, Yixing decided to thank them with dinner the following Friday while they celebrated his birthday and his housewarming as well.

Yixing was at the door saying goodbye to Junmyeon and the others when he suddenly remembered something. He asked Junmyeon to wait while he bolted to his bedroom.

“Here, I almost forgot,” Yixing said, holding a cloth hanger with a white shirt.

“Is that mine?” Junmyeon asked surprised.

Embarrassedly, Yixing laughed. “Yeah, I’m sorry, Mian, I’ve kept this forever. But I had completely forgotten I had it,” he lied. It had been with him for months. Quite recently it had been on the floor in his closet ever since that day Junmyeon had gone back to Minseok and Yixing had gotten himself drunk while wearing it. The next morning, Yixing had merely thrown it at the floor and let it be there. One week ago, he had finally picked up the shirt and taken it to the dry cleaning. Now, he was finally giving it back to the original owner.

“It’s okay,” Junmyeon reassured while smiling, “Thank you for washing it.”

Minseok called Junmyeon from the hall.

“Good night, Xing. We’ll see you tomorrow,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing nodded and said goodbye as he closed the door.

The next day, early in the morning, the moving company had come to take everything with them. Jongdae and Sehun were receiving his stuff at the new place while Yixing supervised that everything had been taken.

He stood in the middle of the now empty living room, looking around and remembering moments for the last time. The lamp that he and Junmyeon had bought together, their first furniture because the apartment didn’t have one when they had moved in, was still hanging up there. During all these years, that was the only thing they hadn’t replaced. When the moving guys had asked if they should take it down, Yixing declined. He didn’t need it anymore, and neither did Junmyeon.

“Hey, Yixing. The guys are waiting downstairs, are you ready?” Baekhyun’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

Yixing smiled. After having glanced at this place for the last time, he turned around.

“Yes, I’m ready to go.”

 

- - -

A/N

Ah, this one feels more like the stuff I usually write hahaha. Angsty and melodramatic with some parallel story telling should be my effin trademark by now XD