“And that would be all for today.” The therapist said closing her notebook; she looked as tired as ever, she looked devastated: They all were. SinB knew her too, and SinB knew how important she was. Life has many funny ways to on your face, SeulGi thought and started to wonder if she really took notes about her or if she just doodled some distorted faces again. Anyways, the truth is nothing would ever be as distorted as Seulgi’s heart.

As she stood up and walked towards the door, she could hear SinB’s worried voice. “See you next week?” Seulgi answered softly “No, I’m actually feeling better. I don’t think I’ll need to come to therapy ever again.”

“SeulGi…breaking up is something…” SinB alarmed voice made Seulgi smile softly, SinB was too sweet, and always worrying too much. The feeling of guilt has been eating her from then inside for a few months now; Seulgi can’t help but feel bad for her.

“You cannot fix everyone, SinB. Sometimes you have to remember that humans are such fragile creatures, we are moldable clay under the correct pair of hands. We are likely to think love has a neat heart shape, when in fact, it takes the form of our biggest fears, our biggest joy… Have you ever tried to mold clay? I think you haven’t and it shows, SinB. At the beginning is fun, an overwhelming humid sensation, it’s cold and sticky and it’s so easy to operate, you can mold clay into your wildest dreams: Monsters, hearts, cups.

But there is this point where clay starts to stiffen, and suddenly you can’t move your fingers freely. You did not mold clay, it molded you: odd. And that what happens with love, sometimes. Sometimes we are just a misshapen piece of wet clay waiting for someone to mold us. Sometimes it occurs and we would perfectly fit into their hands. I fitted in hers, after all. But then we dry, we crack, we break down and it’s not the craftsman’s fault. It is ours. Such fragile creatures, remember SinB?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” Seulgi cut her off and left the SinB’s office as quickly as possible, she didn’t want to listen to it again. The black haired girl’s concern made Seulgi feel even worse, therapy , actually.

Sometimes SinB will not allow her to talk about what happened. Talking about her helped Seulgi, it was an efficient way of relieving the sharp pain attacking her chest at the mention of her name.

It helped her to keep track of their relationship; she did not want to forget. Yes, the rules when you go through traumatic situations state that you should do your best to forget about it. To overcome the situation and try to act like nothing ever happened: But it did happen, even if know it only feels like a lucid dream.

“You should avoid places, words, songs…. Anything that could trigger a powerful memory” But Seulgi made sure to visit, say and sing every single thing that could trigger a memory on her head. Her memories. Theirs.

-

Seulgi liked to take pictures of the sky. It reminded her of… her. The way the clouds would slowly slip down in between the peaks of the mountains reminded her of the soft kisses she would plant on the crook of her neck. The way the sun peeked shyly between the hills, just like she used to peek out from her shoulder to kiss her neck. Her breath would slowly caress her lover’s throat till it reached her lips, just like the fog would creep over the tree branches and suffocate them. Kissing her was suffocating, was deliciously painful; her grip on her hips, breathless, craving her touch, craving her warm.

The sky, conversely to Seulgi, who has been looking blue for a few months now, looked pink. As pink as her hair the first time they met, her cheeks, her plump lips, kissing her felt pink: Charming, romantic, playful, and cute. Her presence was lingering on every inch of seulgi’s body. When people fall in love they would say their lovers smell like vanilla, or lavender. But she smelled like forest, like a fallen tree rotten on the inside, like fresh cut grass… an amazing smell for something getting murdered. She smelled like rose water, containing herself in the liquid form of our love, stifling but pure. Such natural and raw smells belonged to her, were made for her, she was freedom; she felt like the sunset, she tasted like blueberries.

Seulgi laughed bitterly, who would’ve thought she would be standing on the very same spot, six months later completely alone and freezing. After all, she was the summer; she was the hot breeze warming Seulgi’s chest, like dashes of sunray all over the place: She was the sun. The problems regarding those who get used to summer, those who get used to the warm feeling bathing their skin is... they get used to shiny days only.

And of course, they aren’t prepared for the winter. They never are. She never was. It never crossed her mind… actually: It did. But what do humans do when they think about something they don’t like? They ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Yet, she was real, as real as the tears streaming down Seulgi’s face. Remember how kissing her was pink? Sometimes it turned red. They felt warm and wet; it almost felt like being kissed again, when her tongue would playfully taste Seulgi’s sweaty skin. “Stop…” Seulgi would say, ashamed. But she would be too busy bulldozing her way across the sea of sadness that represented seulgi’s teary face to her lips. And there were the two of them again, kissing, rambling soft and tender words in between their breath… “I love you. I need you. You make me so happy.” Do you see her point now? Soft and warm, summer breeze.

However, you cannot change the seasons and the sun is gone now, hypothetically speaking. Kisses are nowhere to be found, her gentle touch, she is nowhere to be found and it hurts Seulgi deeply. It’s a constant pain choking her to a slow and painful dead, she missed being choked… with kisses, her neck being mistreated by her tiny hands, her firm grip. “I love you so, I love you so…”

Winter is always merciless and cold for those who were once in love with the sun. But now it’s time to go, Seulgi left the park with heavy feet, forgetting her broken heart on the very same bench she in good time shared with her. But once again, the sun was gone.

-

Sunflowers were her favorite flowers, she never knew if it was because of the color, the shape or the smell. But she loved them and Seulgi started to grow her love for them too, slowly learning how to admire and adore them. Her analogy? The cheesiest. Sunflowers were supposed to be Seulgi’s look-a-like regarding flowers (If it was even a thing). She loved them as much as she loved Seulgi, she would say. So at the end, Seulgi was starting to harvest her self-love, all thanks to her.

But they have come a long way, now Seulgi’s slender fingers are holding the withered yellow flower; her petals were so sensitive to touch that the softest wind would crush them completely. The stem was so fragile that it would literally shed in between Seulgi’s fingertips. The flower had no signs of life on her… just like Seulgi. She laughed, after all she was right. She was a sunflower, a withered one.

-

Seulgi never liked the beach; she hated it, being honest. Beach’s haters all have their less favorite things about it and Seulgi’s was the sand. There wasn’t a thing as annoying as sand and it was a fact. No matter how hard you tried to get rid of it, it would stick to you like a spray tan. When they were to the beach, she would avoid sitting with her bikini on the sand, however, she would pull off her puppy eyes and Seulgi would end up covered in sand from head to toes. She hated the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, but she adored the sound of her laugh crashing on her lips. She hated the feeling of sand between her fingers, but hers were a perfect fit. She hated the sand, but she loved her.

Seulgi’s theory is that we tend to hate things we are afraid of. She hated the sand because it was a synonym to commitment. Yes, Seulgi’s mind works in mysterious ways but life? You would be surprised to know how mysterious life can be.

“You want to sit here? Go ahead but when you go, you’d have to take me with you.”

“You don’t know me.”

“Neither do you yet you’re sitting here.”

“Touché”

Going to the beach was a not-spoken contract with the sand, committing yourself to embrace it, to take it with you everywhere. Just like she embraced her, stick together, getting into every hole, opening, crook, you name it. She was all over the place, just like sand. 

-

Certainly, Seulgi didn’t like the beach, but there was this special place which happened to be on the beach that they two adored. A high hill where you could appreciate the sun going down the sea and being devoured by the horizon: it was her favorite place. It was one of her favorite analogies too. The bright sun being devoured by the cold darkness, melting together and creating the most beautiful scene her eyes have ever seen. Is that the way they worked…?

Sometimes she would go there alone, all by herself. When questioned about it, she would simply say she felt like she belonged there. Seulgi would sit on their preferred spot and see her go. Her tiny figure would slowly fade till it reached the top of the hill. Seulgi didn’t like it when she went there alone, however she respected her wishes.

It almost felt like a surrealist painting, where that tiny figure would try to reach the sun, would try to touch it while tiptoeing on the ledge, dangerously close to the void. Seulgi would feel her heart rate go up; she would try to reach her out. But remember this was a painting? A watercolor painting. And what happens to watercolor when it touches water? It fades, it falters. Maybe Seulgi shouldn’t have cried that much after all. Because now she has faded just like watercolor on wet paper and SeulGi still have a lot of tears left to cry.

-

She had a thing for candies; she was a sweet herself and going back to the kissing topic, their first kiss. Seulgi would melt on her lips just like cotton candy would melt to the touch of water. Her tongue would explore every inch on , the tip of it, slowly caressing her soft palate, like fishes swimming freely downstream. Sweet. Mesmerizing. Fascinating. Seulgi will follow, Seulgi will flow, she will. But she did not.

Before her?

• Tooth breaker.
• Sweet but tough, hard to swallow, literally speaking.
• Would not only break your tooth but your heart as well.
• Reckless and absent-minded, a not-caring Seulgi on a not-caring-seulgi world.

After her?

• Cotton candy.
• A fluff ball ready to get shaped by soft fingers at any time.
• Would probably melt when warmed slightly; words, actions, and kisses.
• Centered and heedful, for her.

Don’t get her wrong. Seulgi still has a thing for candies. She is one herself, after all…

-

“Sometimes people break up, Seulgi.” That’s what she would tell herself every time she thought of her. Thing is, she believed people would always belong to someone. Sometimes they belonged to places, things.  And her case wasn’t any different from it, she wasn’t an exception: She has never been.

Seulgi belonged to that bench of the park which witnessed her heart breaking. Seulgi belonged to the beach, to the sticky sand. Seulgi belonged to that squashy sofa in SinB’s office. Seulgi belonged to the evening sky devouring the daylight and converting it into darkness she was used to now. Seulgi belonged to both, hot summer and cold winter at the same time. Seulgi belonged to the cotton candy which witnessed their first kiss. Seulgi belonged to the effervescence of the love they shared under the cherry blossom tree which hasn’t blossomed anymore. Seulgi belonged to that watercolor painting which now is soaked in Seulgi’s tears. Seulgi belonged to the withered sunflower, she was withered after all.

Seulgi belonged to her but now she belongs to someone else.

-

Some people work as bridges for others to get to their final destination. As much as it hurt Seulgi, she needed to admit it. She was the happiest bridge ever and she… she was the prettiest passer-by her eyes have ever seen. The very same pair of eyes which now are reddened and watching how she takes her final step. She’s not standing on the bridge anymore and her final destination is hugging her so tight right now, Seulgi can feel it too. Seulgi wishes she could feel her too. Seulgi wishes, and uses every birthday candle, every fallen eyelash, and every lucky bone. It hasn’t worked yet but maybe it will, and she can’t say what is her wish about because if she does, it’d never become truth, right?

-

Losing track of time is common Seulgi thing, and it only worsened when she met her. It was not her fault, though. Spending time with her felt like riding an endless rollercoaster, more ups than downs, a funny feeling on her stomach, and a rush of adrenaline running through her body: reaching her traitor heart.

After riding a roller-coaster for so long, you get used to strong emotions, you get used to the exciting feeling taking over your stomach. Shaky hands, messy hair. You get used to it and the process of going back to normal is as hard as ever. She guesses there is no weaning age for love.

Hot coffee is doing its thing to her lips and once again they are hurting. But, which part of her isn’t? All over the table, all the things that were theirs, now are queuing just to be hold by seulgi one last time. She wishes she could have noticed before, what was happening right in front of her eyes. She wishes she could have helped her, she wishes she had noticed before the reason why she liked the beach that much. The reason why she liked the specific place she was going to visit today. The reason why it looked so natural the way she slowly faded in the fog. The very same place that saw her leave on a day like this, the place she is visiting today. And in case you’re wondering, that’s not her constant wish.

She holds the withered sunflower, a tiny cup full of sand, a scrap of the bench they used to share; she wishes she could entrap a ray of sun into the box her shaky hands are holding right now. This box belongs to her, it’s full of her, and she’s all over the place. She wishes she could still hug her sunray. She wishes, she wishes…

Evening sky is taking over again and Seulgi speeds her pace: She doesn’t like to go to the beach at nights, not alone. However she’s not going to the same spot they used to sit on, she’s going to the hill and she’s not alone, she’s with her. She’s trying her best to drag both her heavy feet and broken heart along the way. “You’re almost there.” She says, softy, comforting herself.

It’s cold, it has always been since she left. Seulgi is hugging the box tightly, the sky is beautiful and the sun is going down. The sun is going down, just as she did six months ago on the very same spot Seulgi is standing now. The thought, the view… send shivers down Seulgi’s spine. But at the same time she feels happy, she feels like she’s doing the right thing. She feels sublime, light to touch, like if she is about to fly across the sky anytime soon, the power that place holds its additive.

“Is this what you felt…?” She asks bluntly, smiling at the sun: It is almost gone and so is she. Like a movie, in slow motion Seulgi tries her best to enjoy the view; it feels very nearly to the overwhelming sentiment of loss and love she has been experimenting the past few months. Seulgi hugs the box tighter than before causing a trail of ashes to fly away thanks to hard breeze. “That’s not her, anyways… It’s symbolic.

She belongs to the sea; she has always belonged to the sea. And now, after all this time… God knows I tried and SinB is right… breaking up is something completely different to this, Joohyun, but now I’ll belong to the sea too, once again I’ll belong to you, Joohyun.”

And as the last ray of sun went down the sea so did she.

“I don’t care if you say that some people can’t be helped. We’ll meet again, Joohyun.”

-

What do you think it happened? What happened to Joohyun? What happened to Seulgi?

Don't forget to leave a comment with your opinion. I love you. <3