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“Hello, baby. You remember what day today is, right?
Today would have been our fourth year together… no, it is our fourth year together, and I know that you’re probably hiding somewhere behind me with a bouquet of flowers, just waiting to surprise me.
I wonder what you’re wearing. A black and white tuxedo?
No wait, that’s too formal.
Ah yes, the same red and black and white striped shirt you were wearing when we both met for the first time, right?? Well, you look absolutely perfect.
... Jongin, it’s been very hard for me since you left.
How could you make me fall in love with you with every fibre of my being only to leave me in the most painful way? You’re absolutely cruel, and lovable and amazing and handsome and incredible and I miss you like crazy and there’s no one out there who is cooler than you.
The furthest stretch of distance in my life isn't from my birth to my death. It is when I am standing in front of you without being able to see you. It is when I say I love you but the only way for me to hear you say those words back is by hearing it through my memory.
But it is still a distance nonetheless, and it is something I am incredibly grateful for.
And i’ve been doing well, really! It’s getting better now. I don’t cry to sleep every night anymore, i’m not as sad as I had been and i’m smiling a lot more now. Most of them are genuine smiles, too. Not those fake ones we always flashed at the rude cashier at the convenience store near my house we usually bought noodles from for movie nights.
I will continue to make you proud of me by doing even better every day.
I think i’m finally able to start moving on, though slowly, but that in no way lessens the strong love that I hold for you. And although I know that you know this already, i’ll still remind you again for good measure, that my love for you only grows after every passing second even if one day, I wake up and the ache in my heart isn't there anymore.
Oh! We went camping the other day. Key, Chanyeol, Sana, Jisoo, Lay and I… you know, the usual. It was refreshing and being out in the open really helped me a lot, especially because mother nature was very calming.
But there were so many damn mosquitoes and Chan’s snores were so loud that in the end, I couldn’t sleep at all. So i pulled my sleeping bag out of the tent and laid out there alone and it felt like I could breathe even better, though I still couldn’t sleep.
And I realized something when I decided to count how many stars there were in the sky… because it wasn’t like I was going to count sheep since there weren’t any there, so the next best thing were the stars of course.
Anyways, there were too many, and I stopped counting after 114 because my eyes were finally feeling droopy and all… but hey, guess what??
I love you more than there are stars in a sky.
Yep, that’s a fact.
And I hope that you’re doing great up there and that you are happy because you deserve the best and only the best.
Sometimes, I think I should have listened to my mom when she decided to ground me for that party, because maybe if I had listened then we would never have met and I wouldn’t have to endure this intense pain.
But I throw that thought out before it even develops, because I can assure you that all the pain is worth it when it comes to loving you, even when it feels like the world is going to end. There is nothing I would exchange in this world for any of the uncountable memories we have made together.
Thank you for everything, Kim Jongin. Thank you for entering my life all those years ago and thank you for allowing me to experience a love that most could only dream of.
I love you.
With all my heart.
I love youuuuuu.
I don’t think i’ll be able to stop saying it. Oh well..
I will search the universe till I can see you again, I promise.
But until then,
I love you for life.