2a. Howon

At eight, Howon had thought love would go like this – a man and a woman fall in love, get married, have kids. At fifteen, Howon learns, after a dare to kiss his dance buddy Kwangsuk, that he might kind of enjoy not just women, but men as well. It takes him two years and a dance noona’s listening ear and advice before he learns to accept that he’s bi, and that love might not necessarily work out the way he thought it would as a child. And now, at twenty-two, he’s in university and dating Myungsoo, and sure, Myungsoo might be a man, and they can’t get married legally in Korea or have biological kids together, but they are in love, and Howon should be happy… right?

That’s the thing.

He should be happy.

But he isn’t quite.

Howon runs both hands through his hair, frustrated. He would lie down and thrash around, but that wouldn’t really help. He does it anyway, until he gets too warm, and now he’s uncomfortable and frustrated. Great. Howon stills then, lies there on his back with his eyes at the ceiling. The paint is cracked in bits; he wonders if one day, a piece would flake off and land on his tongue while he sleeps.

Telling Myungsoo isn’t an option, not when Howon’s problem involves him. Telling Sungyeol wouldn’t help either and besides, Sungyeol’s kind of been Myungsoo’s friend longer than he’s been Howon’s, which isn’t favourable for him in this situation. The next person he can even remotely share his inner conflict with is Woohyun, but that’s a no-go as well because the problem kind of involves him too.

Ugh.

Howon turns to his side, curls up against the wall. He hopes sleep would come, but what he gets instead is a buzz on his phone. It’s probably Myungsoo. Howon closes his eyes, tries to breathe past the guilt weighing his heart at the thought of his boyfriend. His sweet, loving boyfriend who doesn’t know about Howon’s inner conflict. His chest doesn’t quite feel better as time passes, but after what he thinks is long enough, Howon makes himself pick up the phone.

[ Soo ♡ ]:

Saw a cat today on the way home

Kinda wished I had my proper camera but anyway I took a photo of him with my phone

Isn’t he cute? :3

There’s an image attached, a photo of a small black cat taken from an angle that meant Myungsoo had crouched down. He’d probably patted its furry head before or after taking the photo. Knowing Myungsoo, it’s probably both. Cats like Myungsoo for some reason, but Howon never manages to get them to warm up to him, especially the ones on the streets. He suddenly thinks of another person that cats like, and –

It’s fine, Howon tells himself. It’s not a big deal to think about Woohyun; it’s just cats. It’s just because the topic involved cats, and he was reminded of the fact that Woohyun likes cats, and that the stray in school loves him. That’s all.

(No, that’s not all, and that’s the problem.)

Howon might kind of like, no, think about – Think About – Woohyun too much, but he already has Myungsoo, is dating Myungsoo, is in love with Myungsoo. Myungsoo who makes him laugh, who is dorky and surprisingly, endearingly clumsy despite his handsome appearance, and…

He loves Myungsoo. He does.

But somehow, he has these… not-feelings about Woohyun and just…

Is he being greedy? Is he being unfaithful? Is there something just… wrong with him?

Howon pulls the pillow over his head, lets out a muffled groan.

Ughhhh.

+++

2b. Myungsoo

“What do you mean?” Myungsoo says, looks between Howon and Woohyun who had both just said the most ridiculous thing ever. “What do you mean you want to date both of us?”

He doesn’t realise he’s pointing a finger at Howon until Howon looks away, then slowly back at him. Myungsoo lowers his hand, but maintains his question.

“How do you even –”

(That’s not how things work, Myungsoo thinks, dating two people at once. Not to mention the fact that the two people are his ex and his current boyfriend.)

“Look, I don’t even know Woohyun –”

(I don’t even like him, he thinks but doesn’t say –)

He tries again.

“Like I literally just met him today –”

Myungsoo has no idea where he’s going with this train of thought but apparently Howon does.

“If it’s about Woohyun, you don’t have to date him?” Howon says. “Just me. And Woohyun will also just be dating me. It’s only me who’s dating both of you?”

It’s supposed to be a statement but Howon looks and sounds about as unsure as Myungsoo feels. In some weird twisted way, Myungsoo’s glad he’s not the only one who feels this way. But that feeling is tempered by a weird sense of disconnect to this conversation. Honestly, Myungsoo’s had time to reflect after the breakup and he knows he’s not okay but he’s okay enough to know he’s still not over Howon. And now this happened – a miraculous meeting with Howon, asking him to date again – but with a catch.

(If he digs deeper – which he doesn’t really want to – he thinks he just doesn’t want to share Howon.)

He wants to say he’ll rather not have Howon at all than have this, but Myungsoo keeps his mouth shut. Squeezes his eyes closed. This is too much to take in; his heart hasn’t quite caught up.

“I…” I need time to think, is what Myungsoo intends to say, but what comes out of his mouth is, “How are you even…”

“Okay with this?”

It’s Woohyun speaking up for the first time after a while. Funny how it’s him, because he’s the biggest unknown in this whole thing. The biggest problem, Myungsoo wants to think, but he sees how Howon looks at Woohyun and something like jealousy or maybe dread squeezes his heart.

Myungsoo half nods, half shrugs. He’s being rude, but he can’t bring himself to be bothered enough to care.

“Well,” Woohyun says, much too collected for Myungsoo’s liking, “I’ve had time to think about this. I just want Howon to be happy, and he really likes you too.” He shrugs a little, like it’s that easy.

It makes Myungsoo more annoyed.

(He cares for Howon’s happiness too. He does. It’s just, who would care for Myungsoo’s happiness then?)

Luckily, Howon cuts in before Myungsoo could say something he might regret.

“Myungsoo, I’m sorry I sprung this on you. You don’t have to answer me now, you can go back and think about it if you want.”

It’s not what he wants, but it’s probably for the best. Myungsoo makes himself nod.

“I’m going to go back and think about it. I’ll message you,” he says to Howon only, ignoring Woohyun. And then, Myungsoo stands and leaves.

Later, back in his dorm, Myungsoo receives a text from Howon, a simple ‘thank you for meeting me, let me know if you want to talk’.