Chapter 18 Those Words

The chains of the swing groaned in metallic friction and rust as Chanwoo settled on the empty one beside Yunhyeong. He sat there quietly with distant eyes, having no idea what to do with the crying man on his side. He wanted to say something, but he was out of comforting words. He wanted to give Yunhyeong a handkerchief, but he did have any with him. And most of all, Chanwoo wanted to put his arms around Yunhyeong and embrace him with all his might while whispering repeatedly the he was there for him. But he did not do any of that. He could not do any of that. Because on that time, Yunhyeong didn’t need any of that. So, Chanwoo just sat there, listening to his soft sobs and the sound of him wiping his tears. He just sat there, arms stretched out, drawing circles on Yunhyeong’s back in a gentle pat. Chanwoo just sat there with him in silence, enough to let him know that he was not alone, that someone was there with him.

For him.

Time drifted on their skin like the passing winds, slipping slowly through their eyes as they watched the people on the playground come and go. The streetlights began fluttering into life and the sun was giving one last nod of brittle orange light before it blinks out past the trees and houses in the horizon. The distant sound of rushing people, dispersing kids, and the gentle breeze was becoming more prominent while the tears starts drying and the sobs grew fainter and fainter until Chanwoo could hear their sound of their breathing.

“Aren’t you going to ask why?” Yunhyeong’s fragile voice break their stupor.

Chanwoo averted his gaze to the man beside him before it flickered back to where it was before. The sun was gone. “Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know,” Yunhyeong him answered after a pause of hesitation. Then with dry lightness on his voice he said, “But I guess you already knew.”

Yes. Chanwoo knew. He knew it was Hanbin. Even though he had no idea what he did, it was only him that can make Yunhyeong sad like this or cry like this.

“Hanbin…tried,” Yunhyeong paused like he was mustering up all his strength to say it out loud, “He tried to confess to me.”

Chanwoo automatically glanced at Yunhyeong with a shocked look on his face, hands instinctively clenching into fist. His hyung was not looking at him though, he was staring straight up ahead with a wry smile playing on his lips.

“Tried?”

“I didn’t let him say those words. Because I…” Yunhyeong closed his eyes for a moment and finally turned to Chanwoo. “I already moved on.” (1)

The conviction on Yunhyeong’s voice was very clear. He stared at Chanwoo with an unwavering resolve that for a fleeting and traitorous split second Chanwoo thought that this could be it, this was his chance. He almost had himself believed that Yunhyeong would then say that he had moved on from Hanbin and to him. He waited. However, it was not the words he desperately wished that came after that.

It was tears.

“But why does it hurt, Chanwoo-ya? Why am I crying like this?”

And the wishful thinking he had dissipated into nothingness as quickly as it sparked on his chest.

“I’m doing so well. You saw it. I saw it. I knew I moved on. I really do. I can finally look at him the same again. I can look at him without hurting, without yearning. So why now? Why do I feel the same pain again?”

Chanwoo could not put into words the sorrow and agony on Yunhyeong had said. He sounded so conflicted, confused and broken. He was so sure and yet unsure. The resolve on his eyes was shining with burning intensity but muddled with the tears of uncertainty. Yunhyeong looked so vulnerable as his eyes reached Chanwoo for answers and hope. Chanwoo’s heart shattered even more because he did not have the answer.

Because he was not the answer.

Chanwoo wanted to scream. He wanted to beg Yunhyeong to open his eyes, to look at him and make him see how his eyes would shine just by seeing him or how his simple smile could light up his whole day or how his sadness could break Chanwoo’s heart. He wanted Yunhyeong to notice what he feels, to feel what he feels. He wanted to make him realize that he was the one who was there for him right now, that he was there all along and that he could choose him instead. Because he will make sure that the only tears Yunhyeong would shed was that of happiness.

Yet Yunhyeong just see right through him.

It hurt Chanwoo more than he thought it would and it also hurt that he could not even make a move. He couldn’t. It was not the time. He knew that he should not even dare to think of doing any of those selfish things at that moment no matter how much he wanted. It would only add to the mess that Yunhyeong was in. It would only scare away the person he was right now and the person he was trying so hard to become. That was why Chanwoo swallowed down his bruised heart and clamped his mouth shut. He should not let himself wallow over his own feelings. Not now. Not in front of his hyung.

With a sigh, he made himself the person that Yunhyeong needed right now – a friend. He walked over his hyung and lowered himself to his level. Giving a weak smile, he wiped the tears on Yunhyeong’s cheeks and finally giving in to do what a friend should do. He slowly slipped his arms around his hyung and held him tight.

“Don’t be hard on yourself, hyung,” he whispered. “It’s ok not to know the answer.”

Chanwoo kept on whispering those words. He vowed to himself to never let go and to keep on saying that he’s going to be fine, that everything was going to be alright, until the time Yunhyeong leaned into him and succumbed to his embrace, until the time all the tears had finally run dry.

***

The feeling of dread and uneasiness slithered to Hanbin as he woke up. It was more suffocating and constricting than the night before, making it hard to breathe. The day was Friday, the day he and Yunhyeong usually have their breakfast together and go to school together because their first class starts on the same time and if it was not enough, they also have a basketball practice today. Hanbin did not know how things were going to unfold but he knew it would not be easy.

It had been over a day since they talked and the memory of hurt and sadness was still fresh to Hanbin. The words they said to each other still ringing on his ears. The tension was still too stale and too thick take in. The acrid taste of rejection lingering on his throat. It was hard. He managed to endure yesterday but he was not sure how he could get through today. So, he laid on his bed for a moment, half wishing that Yunhyeong had gone early today and half hoping that he was still there at the kitchen table, waiting for him and would greet him good morning like he always did.

After gathering enough will to push himself out of the bed, he threaded lightly towards the kitchen, anxiety building up on his every step. Hanbin stopped dead on his feet at the kitchen’s doorway when he saw Yunhyeong on his usual sit casually eating his breakfast. Hanbin wanted to crawl back to the comfort of his room when Yunhyeong’s head snapped to where he was standing tensely.

“You’re up.” Yunhyeong nodded at him before Hanbin could do anything. He gave him a small smile and gestured to where Hanbin sit was. “I made you breakfast.”

Hanbin out for a moment, the thought that he might be dreaming crossed his mind, before he managed to nod very stiffly once he gained a bit of sense in him. Hanbin took his usual sit quietly with hundreds of thoughts running on his mind.

Is this how they’re going to be?

Are they going to act normal?

Are they going to pretend that everything did not happen?

Hanbin did not know what he wanted to happen to them right now but pretending that nothing happened or that everything was perfectly normal made him a little hurt and upset. Despite the destructive thoughts running on his mind, Hanbin could not bring it up, to ask why or to at least say something because he knew it was his fault. So, he kept all the things he wanted to say and let himself suffer on his own.

No other words were exchange between the two. They sat there in silence, finished their food in silence, washed their own dishes in silence. It was suffocating and deafening that it was getting harder and harder for Hanbin to breathe. With a hasty murmur, he excused himself and locked himself in the bathroom deciding that he would take his time and drown the smothering silence with sound of the water hitting his skin, all the time wishing that Yunhyeong would go ahead without him.

But it seemed like Yunhyeong had decided to torture Hanbin today as he stayed and waited for him. With nothing much but a simple nod, they both got out of the apartment and started their usual walk to their campus. Their usual walk filled with simple talks and sporadic bickering was now withering in oppressive tension.

“Hanbin-a.”

“Uh… yeah?” Hanbin backpedaled, snapping from his own thought.

Yunhyeong spared