Stolen time.

 

Essentially that’s what everything actually was. The small, quaint little ritual that they have after Renjun gave Jeno his final verdict.

 

Pretending not to see when the truth was standing on the doorway, tapping its foot with arms folded over its chest as if saying ‘how long are you going to make me wait?’

 

At least that’s what Jeno felt on all of his afternoon visits to Renjun’s home. Giving him notes from school, making their homeworks together, becoming a model for when he wants to paint, eating spicy macaroni chips, figuring out that Renjun really didn’t have anyone but him because he’s never seen anyone else during their afternoon meetups. Playing pretend.

 

But Renjun had a different take on his decision to keep himself at the top of their studies. “At least with this, if a miracle happens and I got cured in a night, I am ready to get back on my feet as soon as I could get on the ground without feeling like a palm tree in the middle of a typhoon.”

 

Jeno would always feel a sliver of hope everytime Renjun said that. Which he knew was a silly thing, as then, as if he could sense the welling optimism that has no place in his life, Renjun would always take his hope away with a quick swipe of his dry wit,

 

“I only have 0.0001% chance to get that miracle, Mr. Lee. And even then, I haven’t gone to church in such a long time the number might actually be smaller than that.”

 

“I would’ve prayed for you if you want me to.”

 

Renjun scoffed at that, and Jeno suspected it was done to turn a potent cough into something more Jeno-friendly, “you? Pray? Please don’t. Your tongue would burn out and I’ll lose my only source of entertainment around here.”

 

At that moment, in the midst of a casually morbid conversation, Jeno almost said it. The question that nagged at the forefront of his mind, stuck at the end of his tongue, which he had to sharply bite in order to stop him from saying it.

 

How can you not be afraid?

 

Or when the urge resurfaced during their time wasted chatting about nonsense with glasses mushed on top of pillows wet with freshly washed hair, Jeno would compulsively hit the edge of his phone on the wall behind his bed. Before blocking the typed out questions and deleting it in one touch of a button.

 

‘Why is it that I’m more afraid of you dying than you are?’

 

‘How are you? Is everything okay?’

 

‘Is there anything that you want to tell me?’

 

Jeno stared at all of those questions, mulled over them, fingers and lips itching to ask them because his desire to share what he felt and understand whatever it was that flowed under Renjun’s mind was causing his chest to constantly throb in a dull ache.

 

He always told himself that, ‘today is the day that I will ask him.’ The day where they could finally have a more serious talk regarding Renjun’s situation.

 

But everytime he walked into Renjun’s living room and saw the shadow casted over his face lifting up with every snorts and giggles caused by their light-hearted talks, Jeno would hesitate from opening up in the fear that he will ruin the mood.

 

Even on days when Renjun would be in too much pain to get up from his sofa (yet was stubborn enough to get out of his bed in the first place, as he thought that the bedroom of a dying person is too depressing a place to act as an activity room for people as lively as them), Jeno still didn’t have the heart to tell him that he knew. ‘I knew that you’re in pain. It’s ok to show it to me. I swear I won’t pity you.’

 

Jeno hesitated, and hesitated, and hesitated, and the next thing he knew, it would already be thirty minutes past eight and he’d have to go home before his parents started yelling at him over the phone. He had to be content in succumbing back to the unbreakable shackles of his inner ‘I’ll ask him about it later.’

 

And we all know the flaw of that sort of mindset.

 

‘Two months left,’ Jeno thought one day when he was stealthily observing Renjun as he was doodling squiggly things on the corner of Jeno’s photocopied math exercise. Stealthily, because if Renjun knew he was being watched, he would usually stop everything that he was doing. And for some morbid second, Jeno found himself thinking ahead, of how after Renjun’s passed, he could cut out this mindless doodle and tape it on the wall of his study desk.

 

A simple, beautifully abstract way to remember an equally elusive person.

 

_

 

It was twenty minutes past nine when Jeno’s phone unexpectedly let out a familiar ping.

 

‘Yo J.’

 

His greetings were answered with confusion.

 

‘Why are you still awake?’

 

If only they were talking, then not only confusion, but Jeno would have an easier time conveying his worry too.

 

‘¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Talk to me?’

 

‘Call?’

 

‘Yeah, why not.’

 

Jeno hasn’t even finished settling up into a nice seated position before his phone started ringing. ‘He’s excited,’ he thought, clicking on the green button with a delighted smile on his lips. A smile that was quickly wiped away when he heard how big the mood discrepancy between the two of them was.

 

“Tell me about your day.” The silent sound of Renjun’s breath hitching at the end of his sentence gave away the fact that he was almost desperate enough to beg. Please?

 

“I already did earlier, don’t you remember anything?”

 

“Then make up a lie.”

 

Silence once more.

 

Telling Renjun a lie would suffice. He would’ve even enjoyed a fabricated tale of how Jeno’s day ended with a showdown with a minotaur more than anything else. But Jeno was suddenly overtaken with a strong impulse to do something more, and from how loud Renjun gasped when he proposed a better plan for the night, Jeno knew his act of courage was just as unexpected to him as it was to himself.

 

“Do you want me to go to your place?”

 

Renjun hesitated long enough before taking his turn to speak, long enough for Jeno to know that he didn’t want to admit that he wanted nothing more but to accept Jeno’s proposal. “It’s already late, your parents won’t let you.” The fact that Renjun didn’t even bother to deny Jeno’s offer too betrayed his true, hidden intention.

 

“They won’t mind.”

 

Another contemplation, another useless fight with his weak inner self who was trying to refuse, because in the end, Renjun only let out a soft sigh of his gratitude, “... thankyou.”

 

“No worries man, see you soon. Don’t die on me yet.”

 

“I will never,” Jeno heard Renjun’s nasally chuckle and it gave him relief. At least it should be enough for him to not chew his bottom lip raw on his bike ride to Renjun’s home.

 

_

 

Jeno wasn’t hoping that he could sneak out of his house unnoticed. Believe him, he legitimately was going to ask for his parents’ permission. But when he saw the judging look on his parents as he approached them on the dining room, Jeno suddenly regretted the fact that he never lived his life rebelliously.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

His arms started to fly around the space in front of his face to ease his stuttering explanation, “Renjun’s house. Just for awhile, I promise I’ll return before 11,-,”

 

“Jeno,-”

 

“It’s not going to be long, I promise, i’m just gonna drop by and return,-”

 

“Jeno.” The sound of his mom roughly placing her glass of water on the table was the one that stopped Jeno from blabbering along and forced him to listen to whatever it was his stern-looking mom was going to say, “maybe you shouldn’t go.”

 

“But why? It’s fine, I’ve done this before. It’s gonna be fine.”

 

“No, what we meant…,-” she paused, and her tough demeanor dropped to reveal motherly concern. She gave a his dad a quick glance before continuing on, “maybe you should stop seeing Renjun too often.”

 

His dad picked up on her trail and added on top of it his own sounding cautionary words, “You’re too young to be constantly surrounded by… all this.”

 

Jeno only stood there in silence as he tried to discern what his parents just told him. The words that slowly seep into his brain and bouncing off the membrane of his morality, making his eyes twitch with every phantom, disbelieved ‘what’s that pinged inside his mind like a blaring car alarm.

 

His mom must’ve grown worried over her suddenly statue-ised son (worrying that he might’ve suddenly suffered from a , maybe?) that she was just about to rise from her seat when Jeno finally managed to give them a response.

 

It started off as a nervous laugh, with his gaze darting from his mom’s and dad’s and to the one unspecified spot on his ceiling. From then, his laughter only grew louder and louder, until he found himself struggling to sob through a bout of madman-like laughter-tears combination that would only strike him everytime he’s feeling especially furious.

 

His whole body was shaking in rage when he spoke next, and it caused his voice to sound like how a lanky tree would sound when the autumn wind blew through its dried up branch. Ready to be rooted out from the ground at any moment’s notice.

 

“I’m too young for,- did you hear what you just said?! Did you?!” He knew his mom saw the fire burning inside his unsteady glare, enough for her to avert her gaze as she seemingly couldn’t take the hurt dripping out from his words. And he saw his dad almost lurching towards him, as if out of instinct from hearing such venomous tone coming out of his child and he decided that then was a good time to reprimand Jeno’s disrespectful . But he was stopped by his mom, just in time, just enough for Jeno to whisper to them one last thing before running into the night with his bike on tow.

 

“He only has me.”

 

It wasn’t until he was halfway through his journey, when the damp night air has dried what droplets of tears he couldn’t manage to back into his eyelids, before Jeno found himself whispering to himself the continuation of his parting words to his parent. Only to himself. Like a confession, after the words were mulled over and over in his mind, he decided that it was time to say it out loud. Because he could no longer bear holding such painful revelation inside his heart any longer.

 

It was a secret nobody else but him needed to know but it was enough to make Jeno pull up beside a banged up trash bin, hiding himself behind the gaping lid so nobody could see him frantically wipe the tears that wouldn’t stop spilling.

 

“And I only have him.”

 

 

_

“Welcome to my lair.”

 

The moment he stepped his foot inside Renjun’s room, Jeno finally understood why he was so adamant on keeping Jeno out of it.

 

It was tidy. That was the first thing that came to his mind. Unnaturally tidy, even. A lump of moving mass, Renjun, meeped from his bed the moment Jeno closed the door behind him and told him not to turn on the lights. Jeno was too busy trying to take in the much too familiar, yet alien, place to let out any protest.

 

“Come, you can sit here,” after seeing Jeno hesitate for a little while before he took one wobbly step, Renjun laughed out their collective nerves, the awkwardness that suddenly sprouted for the first time in the almost-three-years span of their friendship, before putting his plushie down on the floor and patted the emptied spot beside his meticulously made bed, “even if I bite, cancer is non-contagious. Here.”

 

The state of the room wasn’t the thing that threw Jeno off his axis. It was the smell. Something sweet mixed with something vaguely hospital-y, and coated with the nostalgic scent of eucalyptus oil.

 

And sweet, in this sense, was like a combination of lemons and grapefruits, with a dash of peeled banana, mixed in a vat of fish slime and left under the sun for three days too long. It hung around the air like phantom mucous that made Jeno’s throat itch, desperate to cough it out.

 

“So, did they yell at you?”

 

“Just a little bit,” Jeno breathed out when he carefully sat himself down on a small space at the corner. Even with his eyes still not adjusting to the minimal light, he could see, and felt, that Renjun was trying to get himself up to sit against the wall.

 

Seeing how much he was struggling to do something as simple as supporting the weight of his upper body, it was natural for Jeno to reach over and help him. Which was a bad decision, he soon learned, because panic and the desire to not be found out turned to be a potent fuel to not only get things done, but also to punish Jeno for his innocence when Renjun firmly swatted his hand off his shoulder.

 

“You’re drenched.”

 

“Leave it be.”

 

“Let me call your mom,-”

 

“I said leave it be.”

 

A piece of phlegm stuck at the end of his throat caused Renjun’s voice to sound like it was one of those ‘demon voice’ used for cheap scares in horror movies, and the weirdness of it, and the suddenness of it, somehow worked to liberate the two of them from the heavy atmosphere by the means of a burst of laughter.

 

Though it wasn’t hard to miss the pained, short wheezes of an inhale that Renjun tried to mask as a faltering laughter. “It’s just an episode, it’s gonna pass,” he said, giving Jeno’s arm another swat, softer this time, with his trembling fingers, “trust me, it always pass.”

 

With his eyes closed, Renjun then gestured for Jeno to start talking. About what? He didn’t know what he could possibly say to ease him through this episode. Jeno didn’t realise that he’d actually said it out loud, until Renjun’s voice filled his empty skull in all of its shivery glory, “anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, anything.”

 

Now that his eyes were well adjusted with the dark, Jeno could see the deep frown on Renjun’s forehead as he struggled to surf through a fresh wave of pain, and knew that probably something nice and lighthearted would work best in this situation.

 

“Do you remember how we first met?”

 

And so he decided, tonight’s topic is a trip down the memory lane . Who doesn’t like that?

 

“You had your red hair,-”

 

His plan worked, because even if his breath came out of his mouth all shaky and broken, at least Renjun could derive enough power in him to correct Jeno’s poor memory, “orange. It was orange.”

 

“You had your orange hair, and you were late for the orientation session. Everyone’s eyes were on you and the only empty seat was beside mine, so everyone’s eyes were suddenly also on me, the resident nerd. But then you dyed it all black the week after. And everyone forgot.”

 

He then proceeded to speak about things that they both knew like the back of their own hands, trying to find solace in familiarity. He spoke about that one time when he was mad at Renjun for a whole day because Renjun broke their ‘going to school together’ pack and left him behind at the bus stop. About how they were put to detention when caught bringing a deck of playing cards and proceeded to create a one day gambling ring with spicy macaroni packets acting as the (literal) chips. About that one stupid time when both of them dared each other to drink the rum from home economics class and walked around the school drunk for the rest of the day.

 

Sometimes he had to slow down, his words hiding fearfully behind his tonsils because he was more than ready to dash out of the room to call for Renjun’s mom when his grip, that’d found its way to wound around Jeno’s wrist, was growing far too tight and his pained whines were getting a little bit too agonising for his weak heart to handle. But each and everytime Jeno thought Renjun would finally give up, this frail little thing would only take a big gulp of air, re-orient himself to whatever center was left inside his quickly thinning life, and nod for Jeno to continue on.

 

Anything. Jeno resolved that he would’ve blabbered about anything and everything until Renjun told him to stop. And it finally happened after a few torturous hours have passed, when Renjun put his free hand on Jeno’s arm, softly this time, no swats or hits or clippings, and told him to do just that.

 

“You should go, it’s almost 12,” with how whispery his voice sounded, and how his body seemed to be melting against the wall, it was clear that either the worst has passed, or Renjun was so exhausted by everything that he couldn’t care less even if it hasn’t. “I’m feeling much better now, don’t worry,” he added, after he saw that Jeno was a bit hesitant to follow his request.

 

Jeno chewed on his lips a little bit, contemplating on the pros and cons on the thing that he was about to do, before figuratively saying  it with a little shrug and quick scoot down the bed, so that he was now fully lying down on it, “I’m spending the night here.”

 

“What,-”

 

“It’s already too late anyway,” he said while folding his arms in mock defiance. The pout on his lips were enough to make Renjun’s exhausted self to roll his eyes, “if I go home now, I might actually die faster than you do, with a stab wound on my stomach.

 

“Besides,” Jeno added with a voice almost as silent as a whisper, “I need to ask you something.”

 

It was probably his instinct, it was probably his common sense. But whatever force was acting that night, Jeno somehow knew, deep from within his bones, that if he didn’t speak today, he will never have the chance to do so ever again.

 

“Aren’t you scared?”

 

Jeno didn’t even wait for Renjun to say any affirmative words, something indicating that yes, he was ready to engage in some q&a session, before he blurted out his question. It was only from the understanding smile on his lips that Jeno knew he was okay with it, instead of feeling attacked, or inappropriately inquired, probably.

 

“For some reason, I have a feeling that you want me to answer with a ‘yes’,” Renjun said as he slowly wiggled his way down the bed, only occasionally letting out little winces when he put too much of his body weight on the wrong spot before finally settling to a quiet stop when their gazes were aligned once more, “but no. No I’m not.”

 

The night was so quiet, that although their voices were so soft, Jeno could still hear clearly what it was that Renjun said. But somehow, there was something special in the way they would still lean into each other, huddled closer ever so slightly that their breaths would hit each others’ cheek with every pop of syllables.

 

“... How come?”

 

“Well, it’s more regret than anything, the fact that I will never know what I can do in life. All the movies I won’t be able to see, the paintings I’ll never paint. Places I can never visit.”

 

Maybe it was special because they didn’t need it, yet still reached out to have some anyway. Just like how Renjun reached out to pull Jeno’s glasses away from his face before putting it on the bedside table. His skin felt cold and clammy when it touched his cheek, sticky with sweat and still minutely shaking from whatever small ripples of pain that he still has to struggle through, “I feared it once, not gonna lie. If I’m in your position, if I’m the healthy one, I think I would’ve feared it just as much as you do. But I guess it was mainly because I didn’t know when it’ll happen. Now that I know when, and how, I’ve learned to make peace with it, I think.”

 

“Is it like, because you’re allowed to take your time to say your goodbyes, you feel more prepared for it?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Renjun then struggled to reach for his felt blanket that was folded nicely on the bottom corner of the bed, probably using the sound of fabric rustling again fabric to mask the thing he was about to say next. It was just his bad luck that Jeno decided to help, so that when he finally spoke, Renjun ended up whispering his secret right into Jeno’s ears. “I’m more afraid of sleep than I’m afraid of death.”

 

With his hands halfway full of the soft material, Jeno paused. He looked back at Renjun, who already buried his head onto his fluffy pillow. Out of pain? Out of exhaustion? Out of shame? He will never know.

“Why?”

 

“It’s like I’m taking a gamble. A 50/50 chance that I won’t ever wake up again.”

 

‘That’s true. But that’s true in everyone’s case.’ Jeno shook his head at the stray thought and pulled the blanket over, “at least it’ll be painless.”

 

Renjun let out a small snorty laughter before pulling the blanket over his nose and agreeing with Jeno in a muffled mutter, “you’re right. At least…”

 

_

 

“I should apologise.”

 

Jeno thought Renjun has fallen asleep, from how still he’d been lying there for the last ten minutes or so. But when a voice escaped from his barely moving mouth, it was clear that he was still awake and up for some chats. That, or he was already dead and was communicating from beyond the grave,

 

“For what?”

 

When he tried to open his eyelids to give Jeno a clear look, it seemed as if they were coated in lead. So heavy and full of effort. “I’ve been so selfish. I’m sorry.”

 

Jeno would never know that a quiet apology was all it took to relief him from all the reservations that’d built up inside his heart, “you know that you can’t ever do wrong in my eyes.”

 

An empty expression lingered for a bit on Renjun’s face, before a screen of joy was pulled over it, “oh, you’re too sweet.”

 

Jeno suddenly felt so light, so much so that he could’ve bounced to the air if he wanted to. That euphoria lend him the bravery to give Renjun’s still shivering fingers a proper hand-hold. If Renjun had any qualms with him doing that, he did a good job hiding it.

 

“I think I want to go to school tomorrow.”

 

“Great. We can go together.”

 

If Jeno ever thought that Renjun didn’t want to fall asleep with his hand being held (maybe because it made him feel like he was being pitied?), it was quickly, and cleanly, blown away from his mind when he felt Renjun taking up his offer and squeezing his hand while a simple smile hung on his sleepy face.

 

Renjun then let sleep wash over him, giving up on keeping it at bay. He probably also gave up on the fact that Jeno could read the movement of his lips and knew something that he never planned on sharing to anyone else but himself.

 

‘I’m so selfish, I’m so selfish, I’m so selfish.’

 

 

 

_ _ _

 

 

 

Morning seemed to come in a blink.

 

One second Jeno closed his eyes, and the next he opened it up to sunlight seeping through Renjun’s beige curtain. The chirping of birds right outside the window serving as a soft version of an alarm clock.

 

With everything that happened the night before, Jeno expected that he’d wake up with a headache. Or a sore neck, at the very least. But he was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was he well rested, but not even an inch of his body was aching when he slowly pushed himself up, testing the waters by slowly rolling his shoulders, while still keeping a careful watch so as not to disturb his impromptu bed-mate.

 

He’s rolled to the other side of the bed, yet still managing to keep the tightly wounded fetal position that he’d always adapted anytime he could get away with doing so. ‘Minimises the pain,’ Jeno remembered him saying once.

 

Like this, sleeping under a soft veil of the morning sun, Renjun looked almost healthy. His cheeks were slightly rosy from when they were mushed against the pillow, and face that showed no signs of having to fight through waves after waves of discomfort. Steady breaths, relaxed fingers, so unlike the version of Renjun that he’d learned to keep up with in the last few months.

 

If only he hadn’t lose so much weight, if he didn’t look like a pile of skin and bones covered in a fluff of felt blanket, Jeno would’ve believed him if he said he was only down by some nasty stomach bug.

 

The sound of doors opening and closing, followed suit by a dampened sound of slippers pattering against tiled floor, brought Jeno away from his unregulated early morning headspace. He wasn’t the only person awake that early in the morning.

 

The bedside clock told him that it was a quarter past six.

 

‘I guess it’s time to get ready.’

 

_

 

“Good morning!”

 

With his initial expectation of who the early riser was, seeing Renjun’s older brother with his bird’s nest hair standing in the kitchen proved to be a pleasant enough surprise for Jeno to let out a small jump, before loosening his stiff limbs with a short jog and a hug worthy of some bone crackings.

 

“Sicheng! I didn’t know you’re back!”

 

“I just arrived like, three hours ago,” from how tired his voice sounded, it was clear that he did not exaggerate on that tiny, useless tidbit.

 

Pushing the overly joyous Jeno slightly away from him, Sicheng’s proceeded to give him a quick and thorough scan up, down, and all over, “oh my god you’ve grown so much, this is sorcery.”

 

“Renjun never told me you’re coming home this early.”

 

“It was also a surprise for me, really, I only told him two days ago. Maybe it escaped his mind.”

 

They used to play together, the three of them. Spending lazy Friday afternoons and Saturday nights playing games and watching movies without fail, the two of them quickly (and illegally) adopting Jeno to be their third sibling without any adult’s permission (to be fair, Mrs. Huang never objected to Jeno’s constant presence in their family dinners so… who was he to deny free food?)

 

But last year Sicheng was accepted in a prestigious university that needed a fourteen hours non-stop flight to reach and they lost him. Literally. A communication black hole only broken when Renjun dropped the bomb on him four months ago.

 

Although now, standing in a peaceful morning like this, lost time felt like nothing but a theoretical concept. One year of no contact vanished like the steam on top of his cup of coffee and Jeno could do nothing more but offer him a wide grin of excitement as they could talk again once more, “I took a leave from the semester so I can, you know, be here.”

 

“For the final sprint?”

 

“You talk exactly like him.” Sicheng said, giving Jeno’s hair a tiny ruffle. He wanted to add onto that, saying, ‘of course, I’m stuck on the hips with that snarky son of a ,’ but was stopped when Sicheng forced onto him a steaming cup that basically came out of thin air, “coffee?”

 

But Jeno hasn’t even taken his first sip when he visibly saw Sicheng’s whole body suddenly perking up, like a cat being scared or surprised by some threat only visible to them, “is there anything wr,-”

 

Wind rushed past his face when Sicheng basically sprinted out of the kitchen and on towards Renjun’s room.

 

“Wait,- wait a sec, what’s happening,-”

 

Only when he was an arm’s length away from the door did Jeno finally hear the thing that allerted Sicheng. It was Renjun, red faced and teary eyed Renjun dry heaving and coughing out whatever content of his stomach out onto the open. The little bit of chaos he managed to see was of Sicheng attempting to console his little brother, who was doubling over the bed with a watery, yellowish mess splattered all over the floor.

 

The door was shut quickly afterwards, after their gazes met and Renjun said, weakly, for Sicheng to, “get him away from here.”

 

‘I could help,’ he wanted to say. But the door banged right in front of his nose when he was about to open his mouth, and that caused Jeno to end up being left alone, standing in a house that didn’t even belong to him, banished by the person who asked for him to be there in the first place.

 

After pacing around the small space in front of the room and overhearing conversations too intimate to ever be intercepted by an outsider like him, Jeno decided that going back to the kitchen and busying himself up with things that might help Sicheng if he ever needed any extra hands on cleaning Renjun’s room, was the best idea he had at that moment.

 

And true enough, when Sicheng finally made his way back to the kitchen, the long sigh that signified his gladness over the scene unfolding upon his eyes proved to Jeno that boiling up a pot of water and filling up the mop bucket were the right thing to do.

 

“God, you really don’t have to do this,” Sicheng let out his exhaustion in short bursts of chuckles, before taking a short respite by sitting on the kitchen stool and taking a sip of his already cooled cup of coffee. The way he was rubbing the frown off his forehead showed Jeno a one hundred and eighty degrees change from the bright person he just saw not even five minutes ago, “I’m sorry you have to see that.”

 

“I’d like it if,-”

 

“Renjun asked me to apologise to you for ruining your morning.”

 

“ I’d like it if, ” Jeno repeated, firmly, taking the other empty seat right beside Sicheng’s and demanding him to pay whatever span of attention left inside his tired brain to the words he was about to say, “people would stop treating me as if I’m not ready to see all this.”

 

Jeno’s lips were trembling when he spoke next, partially due to anger, but mostly because he was trying his best not to spill his heart out on someone who yes, was his best bet to listen on all his bottled up woes, but no, was not in the right mindset to truly listen, “I could’ve left him when he told me he’s stopping all his treatments. Or even earlier, on the day when he broke the news. But I stayed, because I want to. So please. Please. Let me.”

 

There was a long span of silence, with Jeno staring up to the ceiling and blinking out the moistness out of his eyes, and Sicheng channeling his anxiety through his compulsive picking out the sticker off from the side of his mug. They only moved, jumping off from their seat when the kettle let out even just the barest start of a whistle piercing through the still air. Signifying that the both of them were waiting for anything to kick-start a movement out of their suddenly stagnant selves.

 

“You two want to go to school together, right?” He asked, some semblance of jovialness returning to his voice as Sicheng poured the content of the kettle onto a shallow bucket, “you can get ready in my room. I think I still have my old uniform in the bottom drawer. I believe you still remember your way?”

 

Jeno guessed there was no more merits he could gain from arguing his case and he only let out one short, easily swept aside sigh, before picking up the mop bucket and offering Sicheng an understanding smile, “of course I do.”

 

 

_ _ _

 

 

 

“I can sit on the basket?”

 

“Are you crazy?! I won’t be able to see the road if you sit on the basket! Do you want us to die from vehicular manslaughter before your cancer kills you?!”

 

“Then where do you expect me to sit?! Do you want to carry me on your back for three blocks?!”

 

“Boys,” cutting through their screaming match was Renjun’s mom, who’s been sitting on the sunlight drenched porch with an amused smile as she silently witnessed these two boys argue over silly things like ‘what’s the best way for the two of us to ride a bike made only to carry one person.’

 

“I told you I can drop you off with the car.”

 

“But mom,” Renjun whined, flapping his boney arms as if he’s a toddler about to throw a tantrum, “that’s no fun.”

 

“How about you two just walk?”

 

“He’ll get too tired by the time we arrive at school,” Jeno, slightly breathless from his previous screamings, could only huff and point at a still pouting Renjun with his thumb.

 

“If you keep doing this, you’re going to be late,” she said her reminder in a sing songy tone, before leaning back on her hands and making herself comfortable for the possible second round of kids trying to solve a non-problem.

 

Thankfully (regretfully?) Sicheng decided that he couldn’t just watch this useless episode go any longer and swooshed out from the kitchen entrance, easily scooping Renjun off the ground, ignored his whiny protests, and placing him sideways on the crossbar of Jeno’s bicycle.

 

“There. Easy, isn’t it?”

 

Sicheng’s borrowed baggy pants cuffs caused Jeno to struggle a little bit before he could bring balance back to the bike, enough time for Renjun to fumble around for a purchase before finding it on Jeno’s outstretched arms.

 

“Compromising position?” Jeno muttered through a toothy grin.

 

“If you don’t want me to cause us both to fall, shut it,” Renjun answered, also through something toothy, although his was more of a grimace than a grin.

 

“Ok lovebirds, bell’s ringing in ten so you gotta go now if you wanna make it on time,” after dropping their bags onto Jeno bike’s basket (a backpack for Renjun and a plastic bag filled with miscellaneous stationary and a half used notebook for Jeno), Sicheng sent the clown bicycle down the slope in front of their house’s block with a firm pat on Jeno’s back.

 

“Careful, careful!” Renjun’s screech masked his mom’s and Sicheng’s well wishes as they made their way through the winding road. Jeno never knew that the roads to and from Renjun’s house are so steep and treacherous. But maybe it was only because he now was carrying a cargo that did nothing but scream and squirm around like a can of heated worm.

 

“You gotta stop doing that if you don't want us to,-”   his sentence was cut in short when he found himself being muffled by Renjun’s arm. A koala bear in flesh, as seemingly Renjun’d gave up on keeping his balance by himself and decided to just hang both of their lives on Jeno’s shoulders, literally. While doing so, Renjun almost knocked his glasses off his face. It ended up dangling precariously at the tip of his nose and Jeno was essentially steering his bike half-blind down a busy street.  

 

As they kept on gaining more and more momentum, Renjun’s boney fingers dug into Jeno’s shoulder blades, and the sharp pain should’ve been enough to make him scream out loud and throw them both off balance. But somehow, the feel of Renjun’s hair mushed against his neck, the wind running through it and tickling the soft skin underneath his chin was enough of a sensation to force his pained scream to do a hundred and eighty degrees turn and caused it to sound more like a high pitched barking.

 

He couldn’t stop laughing.

 

Renjun couldn’t stop shrieking.

 

When they arrived at school, they arrived looking like a pair of mad man but even with two dozens pair of eyes staring them down, Jeno decided to, for once, put up a I don’t care what they’re thinking screen and took all his jolly time before dismounting from the bike and alerting Renjun that they’ve reached their destination.

 

One, because it was evident that the boy was still struggling to catch his breath.

 

And two, because Jeno could hear Renjun’s shrill sobbings slowly turning into giggles, feeling his breath dripping down his neck in sharp coughs as he told Jeno, over and over, his gratitude for the surprisingly exhilarating, high-adrenaline journey.

 

“Oh god that was crazy, that was ing crazy, that was,-.”

 

If last night was Renjun’s chance to be selfish, this was his.

 

_

 

“Imagine people… walking up to the casket only to see nobody there. And BAM! Enter me , being reeled into the room, preferably by you, Silence of the Lamb style, strapped on a plywood and propped up on a hoverboard,-”

 

“Oh my god, yes! You just nyoom into the room, arms up! Then the lights go off, then there’ll be multi colored lasers, and then the speakers will blast,-”

 

“I Will Survive?!”

 

“I Will Survive!!!”

 

School was uneventful, as usual. Renjun told him that he wasn’t hoping for much from this last visit to a place where they’ve spent more than 50% of their existence in. ‘We bail if it starts to get sappy,’ he told Jeno as they made their way to their class.

 

And yet, they could only survive a miraculous three hours before the awkwardness was much too palpable in the air. It started with the wave of shock that seemed to hit their classmate in ripples when they stepped into the room, how it caused the rate of wide-eyed stares to rise exponentially from just five seconds before. And then they started to tiptoe around them, figuratively through the way that they asked Renjun for how he was feeling, and literally, when a kid literally tiptoed his way around the two of them so as to not pique their attention while he made his way to his seat.

 

“I don’t blame them,” he whispered to Jeno after the bell rang, putting an abrupt stop to the worried murmur of their peers, “I also wouldn’t know what to say to someone with a visible ticking clock slapped across their forehead.”

 

Earlier, Jeno made him promise that he would only stay around until the first break period, not wanting to risk Renjun embarrassing himself by appearing too overtly sickly, which might come to be if he pushed himself too hard. But as the events unfolded, Renjun decided to tap out of the game far earlier than they’d expected.

 

Because when the third period started, and their biology teacher began to cry and asked the class to essentially make a sappy farewell monologue for someone who was still there with them, Renjun decided that it was more than enough awkwardness to last for whatever little time he has left on this Earth.

 

“I can’t stand it, the hair on my neck was like ew liberate us from this hell, I can’t! No! Ew.” Jeno couldn’t quell his laughter when he heard how disgusted Renjun sounded. They decided to excuse themselves from the class, after the third student went up and started listing her good impressions on a kid that’d never even had any conversation with her more meaningful than a few good mornings here and there.

 

Renjun dashed out of the room in a brilliant show of acting, and Jeno followed suit, apologising to everyone and adding that, ‘it was all a bit too much for him.’

 

And now they were waiting for the bell to ring in their favourite spot to hide if they ever got too fed up with any of school’s shenanigans.

 

The abandoned basement floor executive bathroom, that came complete with a gaping ceiling ripe with exposed occupational hazards and a busted up lock. They had to jam a thin piece of wood into the door handle to keep it from hanging on its hinges and betraying their position to any teachers that bothered to find them. But so far, none ever did, and the dingy bathroom became a safe haven for them ever since they found it on the second week of school.

 

“Promise me you’ll never do anything sappy like… like whatever that was they were trying to do.” Renjun coughed out after they’ve finished laughing about their ideas for the Ideal™ funeral procession, before resting his head on the rusted out pipes of the sink and motioning for Jeno to stop being such a sissy pants and join him on the floor, instead of sitting on the yellowing plastic toilet cover, “it’s not your pants anyway.”

 

“Unlike you, I still have to worry about contracting tetanus.”

 

“Just take a damn shot for it, I’ll pay.”

 

In the end, there was nothing left on Jeno’s bank of excuses for him to throw at Renjun, and all he could do was sigh out his reluctance and join his ride or die buddy on the disgusting floor.

 

To show how nobody ever went to this dingy, abandoned corner of their school, the moment Jeno’s hit the cracked up tile, towers of dust rose up from the ground in small ringlets. And it caused Renjun to cough out his lungs in crazy fits.

 

“You’re finally starting to sound like a cancer patient,” he said while running the palm of his hand firmly across Renjun’s back, “god, forget about washboard abs. You have a washboard back.”

 

It was a wrong move to make on Jeno’s part, because it only caused Renjun to enter another fit, this time of the laughing sort, and by the end of everything, the both of them were reduced to nothing more but a pile of meat gasping for air.

 

“You’re literally killing me.” Renjun said, utterly defeated. Lying on the floor and not caring that his hair was catching all sort of dirt and other questionable gunks, his hands hitting and scratching his chest until his laughter (and coughs) prattled out to a breathless end, “you should feel lucky that you’re you, because if not I would’ve killed you first.”

 

“Oh, I’m very flattered,” jovial threats are like hidden sweet niblets found only on days when Renjun is feeling good, and so Jeno treated it like what it really was, a good omen.

 

But calm and quiet can only last for so long when you’re living with hundreds of other human being, as on the exact moment when Renjun’d managed to scoot his way up, like a lazy caterpillar, to lay his dust-stricken head on Jeno’s dust-stricken lap, the bell signifying the start of the lunch break rang. As if Renjun was able to read the content of his mind, he immediately pouted when he saw Jeno reaching out for his phone from his back pocket.

 

“Gotta let me call your mom to pick you up, I don’t think you’re gonna be able to do another round of the crazy bike ride.”

 

Renjun’s pout grew even more severe as he easily snatched Jeno’s phone from his hand and placed it at the furthest point that his lazy, unmoving body could reach.

 

“You promised me you’re going to,-”

 

“I mean wait, stupid,” he said while making himself comfortable, wiggling this way and that until he settled on his trademarked position, folding his legs near his chest and making him look like a literal human cinnamon roll. “Wait until lunch break ends. I don’t want to see anymore of their pitying faces.”

 

“If you hate them so much, why bother going?”

 

“I miscalculated,” he flashed Jeno a thin lipped smile, and the way he shrugged his shoulders caused his sharp bones to jut onto Jeno’s thigh, “I never actually missed school, I only miss the things we do to escape it.”

 

Kids were starting to get out from their classes, clamoring to the cafeteria. They knew, because the poundings of hundreds of feet caused a layer of dust to rain upon them like snow on a miraculous Christmas day. Renjun had resolved to hiding the lower half of his face behind the sleeves of his shirt and were doodling nonsense on the layer of dirt on the ground. Jeno was absentmindedly picking the pieces of dust bunnies off from Renjun’s hair when his mouth suddenly blurted out a question that’d been swimming at the back of his throat for so long.

 

He said it not because he was driven by the growing silence between them, nor was it because he was afraid they won’t have anymore later to spare. Jeno asked it only because he really, genuinely wanted to know, and there seemed to be no better place to ask it than now.

 

“Are you happy?”

 

Without missing a beat, Renjun answered, “if I die tonight, I won’t even mind.”

 

There was no fear in the smile he gave to Jeno. He hoped there also was none in the smile he gave back in return.

 

‘J
I just wanna tell you.’

 

‘Alert: We’re on a collision course with Sappy Town.
Abort, abort.’

 

‘I’m serious.
I just wanna say thanks.
I couldn’t have gone through today if it wasn’t for you.’

 

‘Anytime man.’

 

‘Are you gonna come around tomorrow?’

 

‘Nah.
I have math remedial.
Besides, you gotta spend some time with your family.’

 

‘But you /are/ family.’

 

‘Ok, it’s getting too sappy, you’re scaring me.
Go sleep, go go.’

 

‘Ok then.
Night!
( ˘³˘)♥’