A/N: This story have contents which may trigger anxiety and depression. Please take caution for your mental health.

 

(This font represents flashbacks) 

 

 

 

 

"Hey Lis." The voice from the other line said. 


I tapped my in-ear to answer the call. I was driving, out of town in this dimly-harshed weather. And me, being an optimist, still think it's a good sign. 

 

"Yeah?"

 

"She's here."

 

"Oh.. Um, does she.. Does she know?"

 

"That you're coming? No, I don't think so. Are you..sure about this?" Chaeyoung tried to choose her words carefully, but her having doubts made me a bit uneasy. I'm not sure why when she's the one encouraging me in the first place.

 

"Yes, Chaeng. I may not be sure about this.. whole plan of mine, but I'm dead serious about wanting her back..more than anything else." I said the last part softly, like I don't want Chaeyoung or anyone else know my true feelings.

 

And that was always the problem.


I always see it as a weakness. My pride and arrogance wouldn't take it, my whole body cringes to the mere idea of it.

 

But her.. She was exactly the opposite.

 

She would always, always tell me how she felt; how she loved me, how she missed me even if we just saw each other the day before, how she would shower me with hugs and kisses randomly, and the list goes on.

 

On the contrary of the positives, when she felt hurt or sad, she'd magnify the same depth, and at those times I always avoid talking to her about it. Whenever she demands for "connection", I always turn to the other side and just wait for her to calm down.

 

I thought that was better. I thought, that if I just avoid her when she's at that state, we'll be fine and move on. I thought I was doing her and our relationship a favor.

 

We did move on from those arguments and talks though, for most times. Little did I know that I was sabotaging our relationship, that I was slowly destroying her.

 

What she had for me was pure, genuine love. She was vulnerable, she made herself vulnerable for me but not to others. In her eyes, there was only me.

 

And this stupid, stupid, stupid self just didn't see what I had. If only...

 

 

"If only you could just take one moment... Just one moment to talk to me about this, Lis! Please, don't run away again." 

 

"Stop! You're making a big deal out of this!" 

 

"I just... I just want you to come to me and tell me everything's going to be fine- .." 

 

"I told you I was busy! And me being busy does not involve cheating! What do you want? Me not talking to any colleagues? Fine!" 

 

"It's not that, Lis! I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want your affirmation from time to time. You know how I am but I'm trying-..."

 

"Yes! I clearly know how you are and it's tiring! I'm so tired of it! Why are you so sensitive?!" 

 

 

In that exact moment, I know that it's when something snapped in her system. Of course we both didn't realize that then, but now, I'm sure that it was at that time when I took a whole lot of what's little left in her.

 

We made up the day after that. She was the one who initiated the talk. Then few weeks after, it was the same thing all over again. My temper became worse, and that was the first time she broke up with me.

 

"I'm so tired of explaining to you, because you don't listen!" 

 

"Well I'm sorry for being stupid." I said blankly while looking at elsewhere but her. We were parked in front of her house and I'm just waiting for her to get out and move on from the argument. 

 

"I'm so tired of this Lis. Let's.. Let's break up." 

 

"Fine. Do whatever you want." As that said, I clicked the unlock button of the car, signaling her to get off and she did. When the door was closed, I just quickly stormed off. 

 

 

It was a week when it hit me: she's not coming back. Fear crept inside me. I made excuses to talk to her, to send her messages but she just answered plainly. For once, I opened up the issue and went to see her.

 

It lasted for a few months before she made her decision. I know it wasn't just like our first break up, because she made it sure that she was able to talk to me. I didn't expect it until she pulled my hand to stop walking by the beach's sunset. Yes, it was a romantic view but a traumatic sight for me. After that, I never wanted to see any sunset, even in my photographs.

 

 

"Lisa, can we talk?" 

 

 

​​​​​​​​​When I looked over her, I've understood the meaning of a "sad smile" and hers was the saddest I've ever seen. It still haunts my dreams but, it was the only moment when I'm able to see her upclose, and wishes I could touch her once more.

 

"Lis! Hey are you still there?"

 

"Y-yeah! I'm here."

 

"Jeez.. Drive safe okay? See you."

 

"Yeah, see you Chaeng."

 

"See you, my love.." I whispered in air as soon as I dropped the call.

 

 

~ ~ ~

 

 

As soon as I parked my car and lifted the hand break, I took a deep breath that I held for longer seconds more than I could imagine.

 

"Relax, she'll love you still Lisa." I said, trying to encourage myself. When in moments of doubts like this, I'd always remind myself of her promise that she can love no one else but me. It's what I've been holding on to for the last year and a half.

 

Yes, it has been for that long. And no, it's not that I wanted to, it's not because of my pride. It's because I respect her, and because I haven't respected her in our bad times together. It's the least I could do if I claim to really love her.

 

 

"Lis... This time, I'm choosing myself. Please understand." 

 

 

I shut my eyes close at the memory. The pain when I first heard those words from her was still there, it was still fresh and brooding.

 

When a tear escaped, I quickly wiped it away and took a deep breath once more.

 

​​​​​​"You can do this." I muttered and opened the car door. I pressed the lock button, then fixed myself. I looked at my reflection from my SUV and examined, imagined what will she think of my new look.

 

Well, I have a heart broken look for starters. Short and jet black, unlike the last time we were together; long and blonde.

 

The bangs stays though. Period.

 

I walked my way through the pavements, both eager and nervous. I was eyeing for her, obviously, but Chaeyoung called out for me.

 

"Lis! Come here!"

 

I gave her a tight smile, and so as everyone there at the table having drinks. I know a few of them, maybe half were strangers.

 

I sat beside Chaeyoung and when she noticed that I'm looking for someone, she whispered to me quickly.

 

​​​​​​"She got a call earlier. I think it's a client so..."

 

I nodded as a response that I understood. Ever since the break up, she worked hard for herself. Even before, when I first met her at the company, she has these dreams and goals that for me were far-fetched. But now, she's achieving it and continues to strive.

 

I was then contented of what I have; a stable career in the company and the girl of my dreams. But she wasn't very good with bosses, with any authoritative figures for that matter. She quit and transferred to another photography company, then she quit again when we broke up and started her own.

 

On the contrary, I'm good with bosses. I was their favorite. I'm always everyone's favorite and it felt good. But none of that ever mattered anymore when the one person I want to be the apple of the eye of, left me.

 

"So guys, this is Lisa. Lisa, these are.. the guys." Chaeyoung and everyone laughs at her effort to introduce.

 

"Seulgi here!"

 

"Soojoo."

 

"Taehyung."

 

"Mino."

 

And everyone else I couldn't dare to remember. There were nice people though.

 

"J! Come here, Chaeng's got a friend." I think that was Mino calling out someone.

 

"Yeah?" 

 

"Where the hell have you been?" Mino asked. 

 

"Checking on Jisoo, of course!" 

 

The mention of her name made me gulped. Who is this person and why does she need to check on her? 

 

"Jen, I told you not to be too clingy or she'll leave you even before you get together!" Everyone laughed with this Taehyung's comments. It's not even a bit funny.

 

"Shut up !" 
​​​​​

Everyone laughed again and I gave out a little smirk because that's what I wanted to tell that guy. 


"Hi! I'm Jennie. You can call me Jen." ​​​​​​She reached out her hand, I stood up and shook it.

 

"Lisa." 


We both sat. She was sitting at the opposite side beside Mino on her right, and an empty seat on the left.

 

"So what she up to, J?"

 

"Client, as usual."

 

"It's her day off."

 

"Yeah, that's what I've been telling her."

 

"And it's been fifteen minutes already." 

 

"That's. Why. I. Was. Over. There!" Jennie impatiently answered and it made everyone laugh. 

 

"Woah, chill lover girl." Mino laughs as she teases her again. 

 

I looked at Chaeyoung knowingly and she gave the look back. I nodded, gesturing that it's fine. This maybe the reason why she had doubts earlier in the call. 

 

But no, I'm going to take her back no matter what. Everyday, every single day, I long for her, for the comfort and warmth she gives. Every single day reminds me how I've taken her for granted and how it takes me farther from taking her back. 

 

Every step forward, brings me back twice as much. I've been a mess; in my career, my social life, everything else possible to turn myself around. It was never the same. 

"What took you so long?" I heard Jennie ask, and as if on cue, my eyes darted to that person being asked.

 

The moment and feeling was just like the first time I saw her. Slow motion, heart beating erratically, me probably swooning over her. She's sporting a loose, plain white tee and tight jeans. It's simple but she's more beautiful than ever. Her smile is just.. I can't explain it but I'm falling all over again, hard.

 

"It's Jin. He-"

 

"Him again?! That little piece of-"

 

"Woah, woah J. Calm down!" Mino chuckled. "At least introduce her first to our guest."

 

"Oh right. Jisoo, this is Lisa. Chaeyoung's...?“

 

​​​​​​"Friend." I continued with a hand stretched out for Jisoo. Her eyes widen upon our contact face to face. She doubted once, or maybe twice to reach for a hand shake, but she did anyway. That warmth before now felt like ice. 

 

"Yeah, I know." Jisoo suddenly said.

 

"You know her?" Jennie asked and Jisoo let go of my hand.

 

"I've.. Met her before. Right Chaeng?"

 

"Y-yeah, right!" Chaeyoung awkwardly answered with a chuckle.

 

With that, Jennie dismissed it and clung into Jisoo's arm, then she leaned her head on her shoulder. Jisoo didn't mind at all. She was just chilling and drinking, the tension from earlier was gone and I felt like air.

 

When I'm starting to clench my fist, Chaeyoung grabbed a beer, popped it open and handed to me. She mouthed the words "you okay?" and I just nodded.

 

The drinking session went on with random talks, people I don't know initiating small talks, Jennie being clingy to Jisoo, and me, either stealing glances at them or chugging down my beer.

 

Did she already replace me?

 

 

​​​​​​" How could I ever replace you? You're the only idiot that I fell for. " 

 

"Well, what if  there's another idiot in the picture?" 

 

"Lis, our picture is framed and sealed. No one's getting in." 

 

 

Well, the irony is, you went out from that picture Jis. You went out to create another with someone else.. But how could I blame you? 

 

"Chu, get some rest. You look out of it already." I heard Jennie said. It may sound just like murmurs for the others but for someone paying attention such as me, it's all clear. 

 

Chu? Since when are you a "Chu", Jis?

 

"Yeah, but I feel bad-" 

 

"Don't be. We all know how hard you were working. Besides, there's still tomorrow." Jennie gave Jisoo a smile of assurance and Jisoo smiled back and nodded. 

 

"Want me to go with you?" 

​​​​​​
​​​"Nah, it's fine Jen. Have fun alright?"

 

Jennie just nodded lovingly and said "Be right there soon too." then Jisoo went off to rest.

 

What, are they sharing a room now?

 

"You're so whipped." Both our heads shifted to Taehyung.

 

"Of course I am." Jennie said while giving him an irritated look.

 

"Wow, it just amazes me how you're so head over heels for her. That's so not you Jen."

 

"She's different."

 

"You mean because you're having a hard time?" Taehyung ended it with a chuckle. Their small group were the ones talking but all eyes and ears are focused to them, especially to Jennie.

 

Jennie was like their alpha, someone who's charisma stood out. It's either you'll get drawn by her or imitated.

 

"Of course not! I know you guys think it's all about the chase for me but.. it's different this time. Jisoo is not even near difficult. She's so easy to love..."

 

With that sentence, something triggered in me that made my fear more realistic.

 

 

"Why?! Why can't you hear me out when we're like this? Is that so hard to do, Lis?" 

 

"I don't know Jisoo, maybe it is!" 

 

"I just want us to talk this out, talk about why we're always like this, talk about the root of the problem so it'll happen less, so we'll understand each other more. I want to work this out. Please.."

 

"Everything's getting worse when we talk so just say what you want and get it over with!" 

 

"It's because you're always mad, Lis!" 

 

"Yeah, and it's always my fault right?!" 

 

"No.. It's not like that-" 

 

"What then?!" 

 

​​​​​​" It's just.. Why can't you reach out to me when I'm just trying to connect? Am I that so hard to love, Lis? "

​​​​

 

"..she's this amazingly beautiful, funny, and smart dork. She's the kind of person who'll listen to your stupid rants and weird point of views, and the best part is? She's gonna be weirder." Everyone laughs and I shared a chuckle too, knowing that Jisoo didn't change a bit. 


​​​​​​"..she's the only one that sees me as just..me, you know? I feel how she values people that matters to her, and it's so genuine, it's so child-like that it makes me want to protect her no matter what. I can't bear seeing her hurt at any cost." Jennie ended it like a winning speech, thanking her special someone and everyone felt like ​​​​​​"aww that's the sweetest thing ever."

 

"Well what if it's not you?" Taehyung teases. 

 

"As long as it's not you." Jennie retorted quickly, which earned everyone's laugh once more.

 

"Yah! I saw her first!"

 

"I don't give a -"

 

"Wait! I remembered, I saw her first! I was even the one who pointed at her!" Mino interrupted.

 

"Hold up! Way, waaay before you guys, I met Jisoo first-" Seulgi was trying to make her point but Jennie butted in. 

 

"As. I. Said! I don't give a  who met who first! You fools! You think-"

 

"Alright, alright J! You had too much to drink. Go to sleep already!" Mino laughs as he guided the sulking Jennie to her room. Their room.

 

"Lis, wanna talk?" Chaeyoung said as she nudged my side. I nodded and we went to a café overlooking the beach, to be a little sober.

 

I ordered my usual, but for me, Jisoo's coffee was always perfect. She just know my taste, and I guess that's why I drink coffee less.

 

"Lis, what are you thinking?" Chaeyoung finally broke the ice.

 

"I'm thinking.. that Jennie is.. she is just the one that Jisoo has been searching for." Tears were threatening to escape but I tried my best to hold up.

 

"C'mon Lis, don't do this to yourself. If Jisoo thinks that, then why are they still not together?"

 

"Um..because of the trauma that I gave her? Because I was an  and now she's afraid to commit again?"

 

"What? We both know how much you love her-"

 

"I do love her Chaeng, but I don't know how..and that wasn't even the problem. The problem was I refused to know! Because I was so full of myself! So assured that she'll never leave me no matter what-"

 

"Calm down Lis." she caressed my hand that was now trembling.

 

"No relationship is perfect. I've seen you try and-"

 

"Chaeng, there's just..there's just something you don't know."

 

​​​​​​"What?" I kept mummed, unsure of what or how to tell her.

 

"C'mon Lis, you can tell me."

 

"Jisoo..in our first year together, was undergoing therapy." I inhaled deeply, and looked at Chaeyoung's worried eyes.

 

"She told me that.. she told me that I can be honest if I still wanted to continue being with her or not, because of her condition. She was clinically diagnosed with anxiety disorder and was in random situations or trigger moments, having panic attacks. She said I was the first one to know, that it was an important matter because it can affect our relationship. And I said.. I promised her that I'll take care of her and love her even more." A tear already escaped, and I just let them fall regardless as I continue.

 

​​​​​​"And I.. I broke that promise eveytime we fight. I was so..so careless of my words, my actions. I disrespected her so much Chaeng, I slammed the door, I drove off, I shouted, I even said that I was tired of her and blamed her for being too sensitive." I was bawling my eyes now that Chaeyoung already went to my side and pressing my shoulders to calm down.

 

​​​​​"And every time.. every time she was having panic attacks in front of me, I'd just leave her there. If only, if only I could take those moments back, I'd run to her side, hug her tight and say everything's going to be fine, that I was sorry, and that we can fix it. I didn't take care of her Chaeng, she was selflessly taking care of me!"

 

​​​​​​"Lis, I'm so sorry to hear that. But.. I think you have to fight for it. Fight for her​​​​​​. You've realized your mistakes, and it's not too late to change, to make up for it."

 

"But I'll just hurt her.."

 

"You can't avoid that now Lis. You just have to try. If it doesn't work out, then you have to respect that as well. I'm here for you no matter what, you know that right?"

 

I nodded, unable to say any more words.

 

"It's just.. Jennie showed me how I should've been to Jisoo, and they're not even together yet. It made me think that maybe I'm just going to ruin her life again. Just who am I to just magically show up and take her back?"

 

"Lis, look at me." she said to get my full attention and I did look at her now serious eyes as she said;


"You just have to remind yourself why did you go here in the first place."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-------------------------

Hey! I am sorry for a clipped chapter again of a one-shot. I'm just afraid to let this one stuck into drafts like everything else I decided not to publish. Ehe.

 

I would like to have your input in this story. Although I kind of formulated it already in my head, maybe it could change on how you guys see it. I might be open for a sad/angst one, who knows.

 

Thanks for reading! Keep safe.

 

-A.