Even in the 3rd grade, Heechul was observant.

It was obvious to him the way the air itself seemed to shift with the slightest changes in people’s moods. Heechul felt as if this was the world’s way of letting him know exactly what people were feeling at all times, and he considered it to be quite the impressive superpower. Of course, none of his peers were silly enough to try and correct him when his mood predictions were wrong. Heechul’s other superpower seemed to be his uncanny ability to lose his temper over the most insignificant changes, and most kids were too focused on learning their five times tables to want to deal with ‘grumpy Kim OCD’. In the playground, it was an unspoken rule to never get in Heechul’s way, and just go along with whatever he was talking about regardless if it was complete and utter nonsense. As such, Heechul’s social circle was already beginning to consist of a higher percentage of sheep-like followers than true friends.

Although, this apparent burden of a personality was what brought Namwon into the story. Poor Namwon, who made the mistake of borrowing Heechul’s eraser to rub out two wrong math equations, when he said that he would only erase one. A minor detail that Heechul had noticed immediately, as his eyes bore deep onto the page of Namwon’s workbook from the moment he touched his precious stationery. Of course it was precious, he explained. The eraser was his, and that made it important to him. He had even gone to all the trouble to draw a crude little star in blue pen on the side, as he did with the majority of his belongings, and now his classmate was ruining it by running the eraser down too quickly.

Volume control wasn’t one of Heechul’s strengths, and Namwon could only sit anxious as the boy next to him shouted weak profanities in typical young boy fashion. Perhaps Heechul could have been more scathing with his accusations, but even he wasn’t mindless enough to ignore when a teacher was in the room. Teachers were adults, and adults can punish kids for not using the right words. As defiant as Heechul was, even he wasn’t a huge fan of corporal punishment.

Regardless if the teacher noticed his little temper tantrum, or could be bothered noticing, Heechul’s superpowers let him know that the rest of the classroom had. The previously rowdy room had lost its energy; the squawk and rumble of children’s voices collapsed into a quiet hum. Everyone was curious to Namwon’s fate in the hands of Kim OCD, curious eyes swiftly blinking around in an attempt to catch a secret glance of the scene. Secret, had it not been for the bump and shuffle of their chairs and clothes as they shot back around to pretend to pay attention to their books. Heechul either didn’t care, or was too focused on giving Namwon a piece of his mind to notice. In a way, he kind of enjoyed the attention he got from his peers, especially when it gained him the affections of naive female classmates, drawn in by his good looks and fantasising about the idea of having this bad boy be good to them. Perhaps it didn’t help that Heechul was indeed a lot nicer to the girls, his wonderful big sister and adoring mother teaching him that girls were lovely and despite his male classmates insistence, did not have cooties. It was always nice to hang out with the girls and join in with their games, and occasionally find out the gossip on everyone. Heechul never could quite figure out how girls were so good at finding out all the juiciest tidbits of information about his peers, and for a long while was convinced all girls went to a secret spy school in Europe during the night time.

Of course, now even the precious girls he had gained the trust of seemed to have forgotten any courtesy, and were watching him and Namwon like hawks, probably already sending notes back to their secret spy camp. The air was very tense, and Heechul had balled his thin hands into fists on his desk by the time he had finished his verbal attack on Namwon, who could only curiously stare at him with an unreadable look in his eyes. Heechul decided to conclude this look was fear. Besides, Namwon looked very much like a startled deer about to be run down by the vicious tiger that was Kim OCD. Heechul watched all the available nature documentaries; he knew that it was time for the tiger to deliver the killing blow.

Perhaps the killing blow would have arrived had Heechul not hesitated for a moment longer. As his jaw twitched in anticipation at Namwon’s silence, his lack of patience bubbled inside his throat like a boiling witch’s cauldron in a fairy tale. Heechul was only an inch away from letting the cauldron overflow. His anger boiled up and up inside him, filling his body with the kind of energy that made him just want to kick something over and set it on fire. And maybe that is exactly what he would have done, had Namwon’s cool voice not passed his ears.

“… I’m really sorry. Do you wanna have my pencil to make it up?” he said so calmly, so naturally, his words floating over to Heechul like a refreshing stream of water. A cool dip in the pool on the hot and dry day that Heechul had fired himself up to be. It was Heechul’s turn to be the silent one in the room, his mouth slightly agape as he watched Namwon hold his dinky red pencil out to him. Just a simple line, and Heechul’s fists were loosening, the tiger inside him sitting calmly amongst the grass as his prey walked right up to him.

Although the offered pencil was really nothing out of the ordinary, Heechul still remembers it clearly as he saw it in that moment. Three-quarters blunt. About a third of the original length shaven down. The dull red coating starting to chip off at the edges. Numerous teeth marks at the end. Compared to other gifts he had received, this one was rather pathetic. It was no secret that Heechul was popular with the girls, and this often ended in many of them announcing their romantic affections for the boy. As such, Heechul had been given many gifts, most of which he had just put on a shelf in his room to never touch again until house cleaning day. Heechul knew from the beginning that girls found him attractive, and this tended to be the main reason he had so many admirers. If not this, it was always some weird bad boy conversion fantasy where the meek good girl is the only one to see the snarky and cold bad boy’s soft romantic side. Things like this always pissed Heechul off. Sure, maybe he’d go out with a few of the girls if he thought they were pretty, but those relationships never lasted long. The girl would always find out that Heechul wasn’t the hidden Prince Charming they expected, and would dump him within the week. Every time, Heechul would stare at whatever little trinket the girl had given him on his desk in a huff, wondering why they had given a gift to a boy just because he was hot, not bothering to get to know the person underneath the pretty face.

But then came Namwon, offering Heechul what was obviously a well-loved personal item, for what? Forgiveness? It certainly wasn’t because of his good looks, unless Namwon wanted some eye-candy on his good side to attract the ladies. Heechul thought about this briefly, but quickly brushed the theory off as he remembered how one of the girls let it slip that Namwon mentioned to his friends that he wasn’t interested in girls, and only wanted to play video games. The confession seemed genuine, as Heechul also remembered soon after catching Namwon in a hauntingly familiar love confession, his expression showing clear disinterest and even pity for the poor girl rambling in front of him. As to not be caught, Heechul didn’t stick around that scene for long, but now the memory was playing clear as day in his mind. Perhaps Namwon really was just trying to be friendly? This was rather unnerving to Heechul, as for the first time in his life a classmate was talking to him and seeing him normally. Not as the hot bad boy, nor the scary OCD weirdo… Just as Heechul, the guy sitting next to him. And the guy sitting next to him was truly at a loss for words.

Heechul got to experience many ‘firsts’ in his life just in this one moment, to join in with that. ‘Flustered’ was a common feeling, but Heechul had never felt his cheeks flush and his chest twinge quite like this. It was a feeling unlike the hot embarrassment he would feel after crying in his room, and different to the discomfort he got when two characters on the tv started kissing and touching each other while his parents were in the room. Even the strange feelings he would get when he accidentally happened upon the older brother’s adult magazines while wandering around his friend’s house didn’t seem to match up. This was a new feeling to Heechul, and new things always need names. His face would have to be visibly red by now, the blush creeping up from the back of his neck and heating his body. Doing his best not to make any sudden movements out of fear of what this new, sudden feeling might try to make him do, his eyes flickered back and forth between the tattered red pencil in Namwon’s hand and the refreshing glass of water that was the look in his eyes, so steady and natural. Heechul swore he felt his pulse quicken, and in that moment he decided to call his new feelings ‘Red’.

It was that conclusive decision that gave Heechul the kick in the backside to stop wasting his time zoning out and at last, take that precious Red pencil from Namwon’s fingers. Immediately, his eyes shot back down to the desk, the pencil in an iron grip in his hand as if he might lose it at any moment. The Red in his cheeks refused to die down, and it was clear that his nosey classmates could see it too, as Heechul’s superpower told him from the quiet giggling in front of him. And apparently, to the side of him too, as Heechul glanced over to see Namwon’s even cooler and more relaxing expression as he laughed along, smiling a smile at Heechul that made him feel bursts of Red all over.

“What? You’re still looking? You like me or something?”

In a panic and a flurry of Red, Heechul opened his mouth again. A simple retaliation, and a way to hopefully stop the air from being so chokingly Red around him. Maybe Namwon would leave him alone? For some reason, Heechul thought he felt himself become sad at the thought of Namwon not talking to him again. This Red sure was confusing.

“Yeah!” was the answer he got, accompanied melodically by the teasing laughs of the rest of the class. Namwon didn’t seem bothered though. He simply kept smiling that beautifully Red smile.

“... Stupid.” he shot back.

Namwon didn’t answer that time. Heechul only watched from behind his dark fringe as he laughed again and then started to continue on with his work, a new, white pencil in his hand. Heechul didn’t pay any mind to it, the pretty Red one in his fingers looking so much cooler than the boring, clean, white one. Perhaps if his other classmates were as stupidly nonchalaunt with Heechul as Namwon was, they would have for the small, but genuine smile that was etched unknowingly onto his face.

Heechul wonders if the girls’ spy post office was busy that day.

Just as naturally as Namwon had appeared in Heechul’s life, he had flown in and stayed there. The girls said that him and Namwon were ‘BFFs’, and as embarrassing as the rather girly phrase might be to others, he found he enjoyed it. After the pencil incident, Namwon and Heechul walked home together after they discovered they only lived a couple of streets away from each other. Rather, Namwon had ran to catch up with a very Red Heechul, and they spent most of the walk home playfully bickering. Heechul would throw a half-hearted insult, and Namwon would just laugh and find a way to make it affectionate. It was a simple system, and somehow the two found themselves growing very comfortably into it.

A few days passed, then a week, then a few of those. Play dates were all too common, and Namwon’s parents had made many friendly remarks about how Heechul should just live at their house forever. Comments like that made Heechul feel a bit Red, but it was clear Namwon enjoyed it. In fact, Namwon seemed to know exactly what buttons to press on Heechul to make him feel Redder and Redder.

Namwon’s family was lucky, and they had a fair bit of money. The BFFs’ favourite thing to do whenever Heechul came over was to get cozy with snacks in the living room and play whatever games Namwon had on his SNES. It was routine for them, and Heechul was pleased to have this sort of regular and planned routine in his life. Yet, Namwon always seemed to find very unplanned, very unroutine ways to make Heechul’s internal Red meter spike. This time, the pair were sat next to each other, taking turns to beat levels on Super Mario World. Namwon caught on quickly that Heechul liked to do things his way, and so they went with Heechul’s method of ‘dying means you swap the controller to the other person’. It added a sense of friendly competition, to see who could get the furthest through the game without losing the controller, and Heechul was having the time of his life.

When you’re so focused on the game, you don’t tend to notice what goes on in the outside world. As such, Heechul was in the middle of three level streak, determined to try and finish the entire world by himself without dying. He didn’t have the attention span to notice as Namwon shyly shuffled closer to his friend and placed a hand gingerly on his waist. All his focus was on the muscles in his fingers, the touch barely making a difference to him.

And then, the air started to shift. Namwon’s head was resting on his shoulder, their sides pressed up against each other, and Heechul’s superpowers were on full alert. Namwon’s nervousness became prevalent in the room, and Heechul only had to see it for a second for his attention to flick off the screen and onto the boy beside him. Heechul imagined little pixelated Mario’s death to be very Red indeed, and as the game over screen flickered in front of him, Heechul knew deep inside that it was game over for him as well. As the world map popped up once again on the screen, neither friend picked up the controller. As it turned out, just sitting together like that was fun enough for the time being.

Perhaps it was that following school day that made Heechul first realise what Red truly meant.

Namwon was very clever, as Heechul came to learn. He knew every inch of the school, including what groups sat where and even areas where no one played in. Heechul was enthusiastic to learn about everything Namwon had to offer, even going as far as to write detailed notes with that little Red pencil that he held so dear to his heart. Namwon had even gifted Heechul a small red book to go with it on his 10th birthday, which after the summer was already filled to the brim with doodles and notes. He showed Namwon every single one, relishing in the Red that came when he was complimented on his drawing skill. It was nice to have someone praise him for something other than his face, especially when the praise was coming from Namwon.

That day, it was a regular lunch time. Namwon laughed pure Red as he snuck around with Heechul to their most recent secret spot discovery, just behind the big tree at the end of the field. This area was likely out of bounds of where the children were allowed to roam, but neither boy cared. They had this spot to themselves, and no one could take them out of it.

Heechul certainly didn’t expect Namwon’s confession on this seemingly regular day.

“I like you.” he said simply, confidently, oh so refreshingly. Heechul understood. These kinds of things were common knowledge to him by now, especially after spending so much time with the girls. As the two stood facing each other under the gentle shadow of the tree they hid behind, Heechul sensed a mutual understanding, and a calmness in the air.

“I like you too.”

“... Can I kiss you?”

“I dunno, can you?”

There it was again, a soft ringing of that laughter he adored so much. And as Namwon stepped forward and shyly pressed his closed lips against his friend’s own, that wonderful sound continued to echo in Heechul’s mind until the clanging of the lunch bell drowned it out.

Maybe, Heechul wishes he never told his mother. Maybe he would have never learnt. Maybe he could have lived happily.

He was a bundle of energy as he rushed home to greet his family. His mother was home that day, which meant he could tell her the new story. She always liked to hear Heechul's school stories, especially when they had girls in them. She was just as curious as the girls from school when it came to his relationships, but as much as it embarrassed Heechul, it made him happy to be able to talk about his day to someone. 

Mother wasn't the same this time, and Heechul didn't understand. He didn't understand why she looked so in shock. Why wasn't his mother happy for him? She was always so excited to hear about Heechul's girlfriends. Why was Namwon any different?

In a rush, Heechul was pulled into his bedroom. Still, he didn't understand as his mother took a deep breath and asked him to sit down on the bed next to her. 

"Heechullie, why do you think you only see boy and girl couples on the tv and in the street?" was her questions. A question that Heechul couldn't answer. Now that he thought about it, he really had never seen another boy and boy couple anywhere. His chest tightened in panic and confusion, and he stared down at his lap as his mother continued to fill his head.

"Other people.. Heechullie.. they don't like seeing a boy kiss another boy. They think it's wrong. You could get in big trouble if you were caught."

Dinner that night was a blur. Heechul kept his eyes fixed on his plate and didn't say anything, ignoring the prying voices of his sister and father. All he could hear was his mother, over and over. It didn't end no matter what he tried to think about. When his mother asked if he understood, he weakly nodded, a lying 'Yes' under his breath. It didn't make sense to him. Why couldn't he just be with Namwon and be happy? Why did he have to care about what other people thought of two boys kissing?

"You're only 10," his mother's voice said. "You'll understand when you're older." But Heechul didn't want to understand when he was older.

Heechul still doesn't think he understands.

The next day, he broke up with Namwon, his mother's sickening words piercing needles into his flesh and the last reminants of his Red dripping away from his body. Heechul felt the heavy cloud of grey hanging in the air over his head as he walked home alone for the first time in what felt like an eternity.