On New Year’s Eve, Seungwan was the first to join Joohyun at her apartment. She arrived shortly after lunch to help with party preparations, which turned out not to take that long at all, and then spent the rest of their time alone trying to convince Joohyun that Mario Kart was absolutely a fun party activity, setting up her console when her neighbour relented, then watching in awe as Joohyun got used to the buttons in two rounds and proceeded to wipe the floor with her in every subsequent race.

Joohyun was cackling as she pushed Seungwan off Rainbow Road for what was probably the tenth time when their first guest arrived. Or, technically speaking, Seungwan had been the first guest, and now Sooyoung was the second. Sometimes she forgot that Joohyun’s apartment wasn’t just some second home she’d recently acquired.

Sooyoung had brought the appetizers, mostly a lot of bags of chips which she dropped on the kitchen counter. While Joohyun set about filling all her bowls in the kitchen, Sooyoung joined Seungwan on the sofa, picking up the controller that their host had put down.

“I thought Seulgi was coming tonight,” she commented while clicking through menus in order to pick a new team.

Seungwan reached inside the bag of chips that Sooyoung had smuggled from the kitchen. “Yeah, she’s coming after dinner. She got invited to this thing with some friends she hasn’t seen in a while, so she didn’t want to say no. Seriously, you’re going with Daisy and Peach?”

“Your team is Baby Mario and Baby Luigi,” Sooyoung pointed out in response. Fair enough. With a conceding shrug, Seungwan gave up the criticism and simply started a new tournament.

“I guess it’s just the three of us for dinner, then,” Sooyoung mused after a few moments. Entirely focused on the game, Seungwan only hummed distractedly while her brain lazily decoded Sooyoung’s words.

“Wait, isn’t Yerim eating with us?” she asked after an embarrassingly long time.

“No, she said it might be too much.”

“Too much?” Was Yerim suddenly too cool to spend the whole afternoon with them? She might think Seungwan was boring, but weren’t the other two supposed to be her friends? “I mean, we’re not that bad. That’s a little judgmental of her.”

“I know, that’s what I said,” Sooyoung replied casually, not sounding very bothered by the issue. “But she’s kind of nervous about it, so,” she trailed off with a shrug, slamming into Seungwan’s kart and nearly knocking her off the track. In the stress of trying to regain control of her vehicle, Seungwan completely forgot to ask why Yerim would be nervous.

After the game, which Seungwan narrowly won through last-minute luck, she moved to the kitchen to prepare their dinner of tuna lasagne. Joohyun offered to help, but it really wasn’t necessary with such a simple recipe, so she joined Sooyoung on the sofa. The youngest gently suggested shutting off the console for the time being, probably because she wasn’t interested in being utterly defeated by Joohyun like Seungwan had been, and they chatted instead.

During dinner, they talked about their family Christmases, sharing stories about their relatives and what gifts they’d received. It was a topic they usually avoided around Yerim, so they hadn’t had a chance to discuss it yet, and they took advantage of this rare opportunity to get into it.

Immediately after dinner, to the point that Seungwan suspected she’d been hanging around the entrance to their building and waiting for Sooyoung to text her that she could come up, Yerim knocked on the door. Joohyun opened it and she walked in, along with a girl whose hand she was holding.

“Hey guys,” she said, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. “So, uh, this is Saeron.” The girl, who was taller than her, with dark brown hair framing her small face, smiled and raised a hand in greeting, taking her cue in informality from Yerim.

“Who in the world is Saeron?” Seungwan asked Sooyoung in a low voice, leaning a little closer.

“Her girlfriend.”

“Her… Um… Why did I know nothing about this?”

Sooyoung turned to her with a raised eyebrow. “Except you did know, I told you Yerim was texting her girlfriend a bunch of times.”

“I thought you were just making fun of her or something. She kept denying it,” she replied defensively.

“They weren’t officially dating yet,” Sooyoung admitted with a slight nod. “Now they are.”

Seungwan turned to the couple, who were being fussed over by Joohyun. Yerim made a show of rolling her eyes at the attention, but Saeron giggled and shoved her shoulder playfully, making her smile despite herself.

“Is this why she was nervous?” Seungwan asked, finally remembering their earlier conversation.

Sooyoung rolled her eyes. “Obviously, why else? Like she’d get nervous because of any of us.”

Mingling between the couple and the other three was a bit difficult, as Yerim seemed intent on micro-managing their interactions. Seungwan in particular was being very clearly blocked from too much conversation, probably because Yerim was afraid that she’d intentionally embarrass her. How the tables had turned.

Sooyoung seemed to have already met Saeron and kept her distance while Joohyun tried her best to rein in her own enthusiasm as she politely questioned her new guest regarding as much of their relationship as Yerim allowed. Half of her questions were only met with an exasperated “Joohyun!” which never failed to make Saeron giggle.

Seungwan had given up and drifted back to Sooyoung’s side, where they idly chatted about nothing in particular and considered turning the console back on, when Seulgi finally arrived, right around the time that Yerim decided Q&A time was over and started pushing Joohyun away towards the others.

Somehow, after initial greetings, they were separated into pairs, with the happy couple talking softly in a corner, Sooyoung and Joohyun chatting by the kitchen and Seulgi and Seungwan on the sofa. Drinks were now being served and everybody held a beer except for Joohyun, who was drinking her usual gin and tonic.

Seungwan was mostly surprised that the happy trio of last time were now separated without complaint. Apparently, Sooyoung was a lot shyer when her younger companion wasn’t part of the equation and it was likely that Seulgi was still mulling over her concern that she was intruding and therefore preferred to stick to Seungwan. The latter never complain about spending time with her best friend, but the situation did throw a wrench in her plan to spend the evening mostly chatting with Joohyun.

The other two joined them on the sofa after they’d turned the console back on and gotten through a few rounds of Mario Kart. The excited glint in Joohyun’s eyes was clear enough and Seungwan gave up her own controller without much hesitation, moving to Sooyoung’s side while the unlikely duo of Seulgi and Joohyun clashed in Dino Dino Jungle. The younger woman sat with her eyes on nothing in particular, distractedly surveying the room and swirling her beer around in its can.

“Any bets on whether Yerim and Saeron will acknowledge our existence before the New Year’s countdown?” Seungwan asked jokingly, glancing in the direction of the couple, who had gravitated towards a bowl of chips that still sat in the kitchen. The other bowl was on the coffee table, being methodically emptied by Seungwan and Seulgi, with occasional help by Sooyoung and Joohyun.

“Probably not” was Sooyoung’s neutral response, which she didn’t care to expand on.

Seulgi laughed loudly, apparently because she’d managed to hit Joohyun with a blue shell and was making a fast recovery. Her opponent muttered something about cheating, which was too endearing for words, and Seungwan momentarily lost track of the conversation to gaze at the back of her head. She could imagine her concentrated frown, eyes slightly narrowed in displeasure.

“I have to take this,” Sooyoung suddenly announced from her side, holding up her phone so that the screen wasn’t visible. She got up and walked out of the apartment, leaving behind a confused Seungwan. After a moment, the latter tapped on Seulgi’s shoulder to let the two players know that she was just going across to her own apartment for something and would be right back.

As expected, the hallway was empty, and the door to her apartment was unlocked. Walking inside, she found Sooyoung sitting on her sofa, head leaning back to stare at the ceiling. She still cradled her beer in her right hand, but she wasn’t paying much attention to it. Mr. Fluffers must be fast asleep in the bedroom or he would surely have come to greet one of his favourite humans.

At Seungwan’s arrival, Sooyoung’s head swung down to face her, and brows furrowed over unusually bright eyes. “What are you doing here?” she asked after a moment’s hesitation.

“Oh, I thought this was the room for unhappily single people,” Seungwan shot back casually, making her way to Sooyoung’s side. And really, she should have noticed sooner. Sooyoung hadn’t suddenly become shy and withdrawn. She was upset.

Sooyoung’s eyes narrowed in confusion for a second, then she snorted, clearly unimpressed by the attempt at humour. She took a sip of her beer and settled further into the sofa, bringing up her legs to sit more comfortably as Seungwan sat down next to her. Totoro, who had been sitting on a corner of the sofa ever since Seungwan had returned home with it, was temporarily relocated to the floor by her feet.

“I’m going to ask a really dumb question now, so please don’t make fun of me for it. I just kind of have to ask,” Seungwan began hesitantly. Her friend eyed her warily but only nodded for her to continue. “So… Do you like Yerim?”

There was a moment of silence where Sooyoung only stared at her blankly. Then she broke into large peals of laughter which left her clutching her side and struggling to breathe. Raising a hand to wipe away the tears that had formed in her eyes, she sighed amusedly. “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”

Seungwan withstood the amusement without complaint, honestly relieved at the reaction. She really hadn’t wanted to be right. “Okay, good. And, just to check, it’s not like… Me, or anything, right?”

“Oh my god, it’s not any of you guys. You know, I like the confident thing, but there’s a limit,” Sooyoung added with a smirk, and Seungwan suddenly wished she’d brought her own drink, to give her hands something to do other than picking up a child-sized stuffed toy and playing with it.

She settled for rubbing them on her legs as she returned to a more serious mood. “But that’s what it is,” she stated, not really asking. “Whatever girl had you thinking that you might be bi, she’s the reason you’ve been upset lately.”

Sooyoung’s face quickly dropped, amusement evaporating from it in a flash. “I’m not… I’m over it, mostly. But tonight, with Yerim all happy around her girlfriend and…” She paused, picked at something invisible on the sofa cushion. “And the whole situation. It just felt kind of y.”

“You could have said something,” Seungwan offered, trying not to make it sound accusing. “No pressure, of course. I just happen to be very acquainted with y.” She bumped her shoulder against Sooyoung and offered a reassuring smile.

Sooyoung only shrugged, eyes fixed on her beer. She wasn’t very talkative tonight, but something told Seungwan that she might like to be distracted from her thoughts, even if it was just by someone talking at her. She could certainly do that. “So, are you still bi?”

Sooyoung tilted her head, brows knitted together. “What does that even mean?” she asked with a mix of derision and confusion.

“It’s just, sometimes people in your situation, people who have one instance of same- attraction that doesn’t go well… They kind of shrug it off and pretend it didn’t happen and go back to being straight.” Seungwan raised her fingers to form air quotes at her last words.

“Sounds dumb,” Sooyoung replied with a small shrug.

“Heteronormativity makes it tough for people to explore the nuances of their ualities.”

Sooyoung finally turned around to face her, a smile growing weakly on her face. “Well, I don’t know about that, but I’m pretty sure I’m still bi.” She started a shrug that turned into an awkward stretch, like talking about her personal life was physically uncomfortable for her. “I guess it’s just a part of me that I know about now. Ignoring it would feel like taking a step backwards or something.”

“Well, that’s pretty brave of you.” Sooyoung rolled her eyes, clearly disagreeing. “I mean it, it’s a big thing to deal with. I’m proud of you.” She pulled her friend into a one-armed hug, exaggerating her persona of the doting parent.

After minimal amounts of struggling, Sooyoung fell limp in her embrace, allowing herself to be comforted. They sat in silence, Sooyoung’s head resting on Seungwan’s shoulder.

“You wouldn’t happen to have any embarrassing rejection stories, would you? Yerim said you told her about your breakups to cheer her up that one time.” She must have felt the way Seungwan tensed, because she shrugged with the shoulder not leaning on her. “She didn’t tell me anything else, don’t worry.”

“I mean, I doubt it would make you think any worse of me,” Seungwan admitted easily. She tapped her fingers against Sooyoung’s arm. “And I don’t have any rejection stories, I’m sorry.”

Sooyoung’s surprise at her words was evident, as she pushed herself off of Seungwan to look at her with disbelief. “How,” she uttered in such an even tone that it didn’t even sound like a question.

“Well, I don’t have a lot of experience with unrequited feelings,” she confessed sheepishly. Sooyoung’s eyes only widened so she decided to elaborate. “This might come as a shock, but I was actually pretty social in high school. I was in a lot of clubs and participated in competitions and stuff. Anyway, I was always meeting new people and I guess I was nice enough and nonthreatening enough that I got asked out pretty often.”

Sooyoung was now fully invested in the narrative, a picture of teenage Seungwan being developed before her eyes, one that she probably hadn’t expected.

“None of those relationships ever lasted very long. It seems pretty obvious, looking back. But I was young and kind of naïve and I got a lot more invested in them than I should have. It hurt a lot, actually. Every time.” Once more, she wished she was holding something that she could pick at, so she could focus on that instead of the familiar hurt and shame that had been branded into her heart from her high school years. Blocking Sooyoung’s view with the giant plushie began to sound more appealing. “But the other kids always seemed to be fine, so I pretended it didn’t bother me either. And I kept doing it.”

“Then I got into college and that’s when girls started asking me out too. Or maybe it was just that I’d finally realized I was bi and I had a girl-friendly aura or something?” She paused to laugh awkwardly and Sooyoung had the mercy to offer a tentative smile. “Anyway, at some point I started feeling like people only ever approached me because they wanted to date me, or sleep with me, or something. Like that was what I was for. And the relationships never lasted long, and they usually weren’t very good. Hence, all the funny breakup stories, I guess.”

Sooyoung looked like she’d begun to regret asking about it. She’d pulled in her lower lip and chewed on it slightly, her brows furrowed in concern. But it was fine, they were about to get to the good part anyway.

“And then I met Seulgi,” Seungwan said with a small smile. Sooyoung was almost startled by the sudden happiness in her voice. “She said she needed help studying for a class and it sounded like the most transparent excuse.”

“Yeah, Yerim used that one,” Sooyoung intervened, her voice unusually quiet. Seungwan laughed at the information.

“But then she actually just wanted help. And she was so nice, and she genuinely wanted to be my friend. It was so weird, to feel like there were no expectations, that she really just wanted to hang out because she liked spending time with me. Seulgi’s kind of amazing like that.” Sooyoung smiled softly, her eyes growing bright again. She really was a lot less tough than she tried to pretend. “When I got to have a friend, a good one, I realized that relationships actually kind of ? So I just stopped dating and focused on my studies and trying to figure myself out. Like, what I actually liked, instead of what I did so others liked me.”

“And then you met Joohyun?” Sooyoung offered, and she wasn’t that far off.

“Well, first I graduated and got a job and all that. But yes, I saw Joohyun and I, well…” She trailed off, unsure how to explain the way Joohyun had changed her life in an instant, even before they’d ever officially met.

“Your heart jumped out of your chest and punched you in the face?” Sooyoung suggested, mirroring the words Seungwan had told her when they’d first discussed her biuality.

“Something like that,” she agreed with a laugh. “It feels like progress, that I fell first this time. Seulgi keeps saying it makes all the difference. I don’t know about that, but I definitely feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Sooyoung nodded slowly, absorbing Seungwan’s lengthy tale. “You really don’t hold back, do you? Sharing all this stuff.”

“Well, you’re my friend,” she said with a shrug. “That’s what friends do.”

“Not all friends are Seulgi,” Sooyoung pointed out, and Seungwan could see the truth in her words. Just because all her bad relationships had been romantic, it didn’t necessarily mean that platonic ones were entirely trouble-free.

She was about to say some words to that effect when she noticed that Sooyoung seemed to be struggling with a thought. She watched her for a moment, before she took a deep breath and sat up straight. “I’ve never been in a relationship. Like, dating,” the younger girl blurted out, looking pointedly away from Seungwan.

She barely stopped her jaw from dropping, settling instead for an excessive amount of confused blinking that hopefully her friend had missed. “I’m from a really small town and all the boys at my school were afraid of my dad,” Sooyoung added after a pause. She picked at the top of her can of beer, pushing the tab from side to side.

“Then at college I met Joohyun and it was just the two of us. And, well, if you saw us, we all know who you’d ask out,” she concluded sullenly, finally pulling the tab free. She looked up at Seungwan somewhat sheepishly, holding up the tab.

“Only because I saw her first,” Seungwan said, smiling cheekily. Sooyoung only raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Sooyoung, seriously, you do realize that you’re beautiful, right?”

“Sometimes when we went out, men would wait until she went to the bathroom and come up to me to ask for her number,” she muttered, her voice barely audible. “I told them to ask her themselves, but you know how scary she gets with strangers, so they never did.”

Seungwan reached for the can and the tab still in Sooyoung’s hands and set them down by the sofa. Then she grasped her friend’s hands. “First of all, I want you to know that Joohyun in no way outshines you, okay? You’re both beautiful in your own way. And more importantly, there are probably plenty of guys who wanted to ask Joohyun for your number but she’s really scary when she’s alone and they chickened out.” She raised her eyebrows, trying to get Sooyoung’s agreement, but she only laughed it off.

“I’m serious, anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re smart, funny, sweet, gorgeous… You’re the whole package.” She was rewarded with another smile, bordering on embarrassed but definitely flattered.

“Oh Seungwan, you know I think of you as a good friend,” Sooyoung said in a mock-sorrowful tone, freeing a hand to cup Seungwan’s cheek. She responded with an eyeroll that had her younger friend smirking. The displeasure was just for show, because she was inwardly thrilled that Sooyoung had cheered up enough for her usual teasing.

“So, you were the first one to befriend Joohyun, right?” she asked, hoping to change the subject. And she was honestly a little curious about it.

“How quickly you move on,” Sooyoung complained, pressing her hand against her chest in affectation of heartbreak.

“Yeah, yeah, my love is fickle and untrustworthy,” she played along. “But how did you even manage it? With Yerim, there was that whole thing with their parents. With me, there was, well, you. But you went in alone.”

Sooyoung raised a thoughtful eyebrow. “I don’t know, I was just really persistent. It was tough at first but eventually it stuck.”

“But why bother? You met at some presentation she did for your school, that’s what she said. Was it that good?”

“It was okay. It was more like… I looked at her and I thought, I really want to be friends with this woman. Like I had to. So I did.” Sooyoung seemed as confused by her thought process as Seungwan. Possibly more, because Seungwan was starting to get a clue as to why she’d gone through all that effort.

“Like you wanted her in your life?” Sooyoung nodded, still a little confused. “Because she was so cool, up there giving her talk?” Another nod, slower this time. “Because she looked so mature and elegant and pretty?” Sooyoung paused halfway through another assenting nod, then opened slightly, just as her eyes widened in realization.

“No,” she said slowly, but it was more a refusal to accept reality than an actual denial.

“Yes,” Seungwan replied anyway, because it was a little funny.

“I had a crush on Joohyun.”

“You sure did.”

“This is the low point of my life,” Sooyoung huffed out, letting herself drop down heavily against the sofa cushions.

Seungwan followed her movement, clutching her arm with an exaggerated smile. “Sooyoung, we have so much in common!” she exclaimed, laughing at the horror growing on her friend’s face.

“No, this one’s lower,” Sooyoung muttered darkly.

“So, what drew you to her? Was it her eyes? They’re totally dreamy, aren’t they?” Seungwan carried on gleefully.

Sooyoung smacked her arm, trying to escape her grip. “If you don’t stop right now, I’m revoking your Christmas voucher.”

She was immediately free, Seungwan already scooting away from her. She took a moment to brush her sleeves, making a show of straightening the crinkles that Seungwan had caused. “I can’t believe I have absolutely nobody to kiss for New Year’s. Two people who are probably in love with each other, an aual person and a couple.”

“Wait, what two people in love?” Sooyoung didn’t respond to the question, only rolling her eyes. Seungwan fought the urge to question it further. After all, Sooyoung had always had unfounded hope in her chances with Joohyun. She was up there with Seulgi when it came to hopeless romanticism by proxy.

“If Yerim tries to kiss Saeron, I’m dumping a beer on her,” Sooyoung added sullenly, scowling at Seungwan’s laughter.

“If you really want, I’ll kiss you for New Year’s,” Seungwan suggested with a smirk.

“You will not,” Sooyoung replied with finality. “Now I’m getting out of here before you get any ideas.”

She got up, followed closely by Seungwan, who was still laughing, and they returned to the party together. Seulgi and Joohyun, who were still playing Mario Kart, studied them with some concern, but seemed reassured by their clear amusement. Yerim, on the other hand, immediately approached them, looking almost remorseful. Saeron offered Seungwan a friendly smile, looking only mildly uncomfortable, while the two women chatted in hushed voices.

Seemingly satisfied, Yerim pulled back, but she dragged Sooyoung along with her, clearly intending on keeping her friend close for the remainder of the night. Seungwan returned to the sofa, suspecting that whatever Sooyoung and Yerim had to discuss benefited from her absence. The two players were still going at it even though it seemed like Seulgi had lost every single race. They paused the game to greet her and Seulgi was kind enough to offer up her own controller, which Seungwan accepted after some hesitation.

She had lost two races and won none when Yerim suddenly shouted out from across the room. “Seulgi, we need your medical expertise. It’s really important.”

By her side, Sooyoung snorted. “She made a dumb bet,” she explained.

Seulgi got up awkwardly, unsure whether she should join the others. “Uh, what’s the question?” she asked, still standing near the sofa.

“Stop yelling across the room and go over there,” Seungwan intervened, reaching out with her foot to poke her. The distraction caused her to collide with a railing and fall right into a pit of lava and she groaned into the controller while she waited for her kart to return to the track.

“Come on, I have good money riding on this,” Sooyoung said, waving her over. Seulgi hesitated only a moment more, then walked to the group. Seconds later, they were all laughing together.

The group of four remained together near the kitchen until it was nearly midnight. Race after race, Seungwan seemed to only get worse at the game. Maybe it was the way Joohyun cackled heartily every time she fell off the track, or the way she turned to Seungwan with a triumphant smile after every victory. Or how she started humming along to the soundtrack or bumped into her on the sofa when she wanted to distract her.

Whatever it was, it made Seungwan’s heart flutter pleasantly and her lungs feel entirely ineffectual at pulling air in and out. It was like every colour was brighter, especially the million hues of brown in Joohyun’s eyes and the pinks and reds of her lips, stretched unevenly by her crooked smile. She felt like they were in their own little bubble and the whole world had fallen away. Like everything began and ended between Joohyun’s old television and the sofa where they sat, between Joohyun and Seungwan.

The screen flashed with a message of victory for Joohyun while Seungwan finished her last lap. She finally crossed the finish line and dropped the controller with a grunt. “I think my hands are numb,” she whined, mostly as an excuse for her poor performance.

Joohyun put down her own controller and gently held Seungwan’s hands, caressing them softly to help with the numbness. She tried her best not to let her breath catch in . It would be far too noticeable when their heads were suddenly so close together.

Not sure where to look, she finally glanced up at Joohyun’s face. Her eyes were soft, lined with affection and traces of excitement from her unbroken chain of victories. Her lips were tilted in a caring smile, and Seungwan realized she probably shouldn’t be looking at those. She tried to look back up, but her eyes seemed to have a mind of her own, flitting from point to point, landing again and again on the one place they tried to avoid.

Joohyun’s face was coming closer, that much was clear, but everything else seemed fuzzy, because she wasn’t even aware that her body was moving. It was like she could feel nothing besides the flaming warmth on her cheeks and the tingling on her lips and the furious beating of her heart against her ears.

A weight crashed against her back as Yerim settled heavily into the sofa, right next to her. “Turn off the game, we need the TV for the countdown!” she called out hurriedly. The others followed closely, all dropping to the sofa until all six people were squeezed side by side on it. Seungwan could feel Joohyun against her side, from shoulder to knee, but her body was still strangely light, like her heart hadn’t quite resumed its normal pace.

She didn’t dare to look at Joohyun, afraid of what she might see, in case Joohyun had realized what she’d been about to do. Most of all, she was afraid that, if she saw Joohyun’s face, she would just try it again.

A hand clutched hers, tightening its grip slightly at every second that ticked away, announced loudly on the TV. When the final second passed and the televised crowd erupted in cheers, mirrored by the occupants of the apartment, the grip tightened even more, pulling her to face Joohyun.

She was smiling widely, her eyes big and excited. As they faced each other there was a pause, less than a second, where Seungwan felt her whole world fall apart and rebuild itself around the ruins. Her heart stuttered desperately and this time she could do nothing to prevent the gasped inhale that entered her lungs and stubbornly refused to leave. Then she was pulled into a tight hug, with Joohyun shouting “Happy New Year” much too close to her ear.

She clutched her ear, smiling at Joohyun’s laughing apology. Turning to the other side, she exchanged high fives and hugs with her other friends, even with Saeron. Then they all got up and opened a bottle of champagne, which nobody actually liked, to drink with pained grimaces and toast to the coming year.

Everything felt a little unreal, a little distant and whimsical, in a way that Seungwan knew couldn’t be attributed entirely to the alcohol in her system. Her eyes met Joohyun’s across their circle of friends and she wondered what the new year would bring.