In the end I'm just a girl silently trying to win your heart even though I surely know that I'm going to be the loser of this story which I could say only exist in my head because I know that you will never be my reality. -Lisa
It ing hurts like hell.
I can't breathe, I'm such a ing loser.
How could I let myself hurt like this? How could you unknowingly hurt me like this? Why can't I drag myself to tell a soul what I am feeling? Is this how it feels like living but dying at the same time?
I knew about him months ago. No, I want to say even years ago. You have always admired someone quite opposite of what I am, a girl. I know everything a guy could have to win your heart. It kills me knowing I will never have a chance to at least prove myself because i know in your eyes you see me only as a friend, worst a sister.
Jennie Kim. The love of my life is in love with some else.
"Hey... say something." After minutes of waiting which felt like years Jennie asked me. I smiled like always covering the shattered pieces of my heart inside my what I felt like broken ribs caused by too much aching "Sorry, you were saying?"
She was nibbling her thumb often when she gets nervous on something while sitting uncomfortably on our cold sofa "I said how do you think boss would react about the news?"
The news that punched me in face multiple times. She was called to visit Yg immediately after her schedule and now she's waiting to get picked up to meet Yg. We knew about her dating news 24 hours ahead before it was publicized several hours ago and it still amazed me how powerful our agency is to lessen the damage that is awaiting for us. Yg must be fuming right now.
"He's mad Jen that is given but have you seen the feedbacks from the public? They were happy for you." I replied not stuttering one bit for I have been good at hiding my feelings for years now... I laughed sarcastically at my misfortuned unrequited love.
I cried myself last night. It was different tears. I was drained of always crying.
"He doesn't have a choice but to confirm he will come around Jen. And you know you always have the 3 of us." She looked at me in relief not noticing how dull my eyes were. I don't blame her or anyone. My mask was too high to conceal my feelings for her. I kept it myself even from my parents from the other side of this coutry. The last thing I want to do is worry them.
I looked at her typing something on her phone probably reassuring her boyfriend that everything is going to be okay. I saw how fond she was with Kai and I am not going to be the one who will take away her happiness. I love her so much that I didn't bother to contradict her with her decisions in relationships.
"Thanks Lis! It means a lot to me you know. You never judge me. You always supported me ever since we were trainees. Love you so much." She hugged me. I didn't have the power to return the gesture. I was suffocating from the lack of air that felt like have vanished from my lungs. Love you... the words I dreaded her to say to me. It was different! I shouted in my head. Those words were different from the I Love you's she often say when she's talking to him.
"You're always welcome, Jen. Ah wait I think I heard someone outside probably our manager. I'll go get it" I jumped out from her touched not looking at her." I was such a martyr.
Hours have passed and now I was punching and throwing whatever things I could reach in my room and silently whimpering from the nonstop pouring of my tears from these worn out eyes as I look on the mirror. No one hears me, I wont let anyone hear me. My hair was everywhere from too much pulling and I thank the heavens I had a quick schedule earlier and for the members to leave me alone in the dorm to accompany Jennie out.
It's quiet here alone. You can't see right through me how much pain she's causing me. I ing hate that I'm choking from these sobs that do not want to get away! Why am I so pathetic!? Why can't I look for myself and stop caring for you for once Jen!? You were just being you right? You were doing nothing unlawful and it's not like you know my feelings right?
"Hey Lis?" Now she's talking to me on the phone.
"Yeah?" I whispered trying to held myself up with these weak knees wanting to collapse any moment.
"Everything went fine thankfully. I was scared Lis. He was shouting and all. Im glad Kai wasn't here. Thank god Jisoo was here to back me up....are you still there?"
"...I thought he was going to get rid of me Lis I was so scared for us and Kai." She resumed.
'Yeah? You were scared for us but I could not stop you right? I asked myself sarcastically. You were falling for someone else. Who am I to stop you? What were you thinking anyway by breaking the rule? Why was I asking you this in my head?! Why did you let yourself know that guy in the first place, Jen? Why was my ing petty self still try to inwardly blame you for loving someone who is not me? I didn't have the right to question yeah? I was loving you from a far even you're only inches away from me everyday. I was alone and hurting while everyone of you think all is well. I was drowning from insecurities of every aspect of not being enough for you' I blurted everything in my head as I bit my tongue so hard to avoid making myself heard from weeping.
"Lisa? Are you there? Okay we're going now. See you later Lis."
"Alright. See you Jen. Take care" I whispered without a hint of pain in my voice.
"Wait... wait...I loved you ever since Jen..." I whispered to myself after she ended the call.
"Was it my fault I didn't have the obvious essential to be your man in the prom you oftentimes wished you have attended?" I continued to ing ask myself in whimpers.
"Was it my fault that you love babies and my insecure self telling me that I will never ever be able to give you that?" My face is red and my veins are popping out in my head as I can't scream to release everything in my chest.
"Was it my fault I was a girl and could never grant your wishes in many things?" Here I am can't seem to hear anything other than my deafening heartbeats.
I don't even know myself anymore. I was numb.
"You are tired... you should sleep this away." I mumbled to myself like always.
"I love you, Let me go Jennie." I said it one last time as I close my eyes and drifted to my hiding place again where no one could see me.