I was running. Running from someplace I don’t remember, towards Jisoo-unnie. I was very worried, that my heart beats at the same tempo as my jumping legs.

The moon was big and full, and it shone upon the city with an almost mystical light. Rendering shining blue patches on the roofs and walls of houses. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of my fast breathing and the echoes of my steps.

I arrived at a house shrouded by ivies and all sorts of grasses and flowers. I opened the door and saw Lisa and Rose inside of the room. Rose was crying and was kneeling on the floor, the sound of her crying surrounded me as I look at Lisa, who was sniffing in front of the body of Jisoo-unnie. The wind blows hard from the outside and made the door slammed.

I couldn’t take a step further towards Jisoo-unnie. I could see her beautiful black hair shining, and her feet dangling off the bed. As I finally had the courage to step towards the body, I saw her pale face, with darkened circles around her eyes. But, the face was somewhat peaceful, and it struck me with this deep sadness and longing. I kneeled and prayed to God if there is one. I just want to see my Jisoo-unnie again.

Lisa suddenly rose from her position and approached me. And with a giant swing, she slapped me…

At the point before the impact, I opened my eyes and realized that I was dreaming. I was sleeping peacefully in my bedroom, at a comfortable temperature even though it’s a tiny bit too cold. I wiped my tears that had welled in my eyes, the sadness was real, and it lingered for a while. I blankly stared at the walls and then laid to stretch my body.

We went to an awards show the day before, I won’t tell you the name of the awards show, it’s not important anyway. At the awards show, even though we’re a bit anxious and tense because it was actually the first time we made another public appearance again since the dating news of mine.

It went relatively well, because before that the four of us enjoyed a feast to celebrate Jisoo-unnie’s birthday, also a secret message from Jisoo-unnie that she had accepted my relationship with Kai. The secret message is in the Janchi-guksu thingy. The maknaes didn’t realize cause they are noobs to Korean culture. You should search on google or something if you don’t know what I mean.

Because everyone’s mood was lifted at that day, things became relatively normal again for the members. Aside from a few awkward laughs that me and Jisoo-unnie shared, everything was normal again. Jisoo-unnie and I even noticed some fan that took a photo of us. It’s amazing how they still protect and support us.

Then, when things were starting to be normal again, today the dorm was struck with another unexpected event. And the sudden fear crept inside my heart as Jisoo-unnie can’t be found anywhere within the dorm. I was the only one who started to panic, and negative thoughts started to surface inside of my mind.

The maknaes were relatively calm as they think that maybe Jisoo-unnie went to her family house to take care of her nephew or something. But I was different, some awful thoughts crossed in my minds and it made me scared. I didn’t want to say this but what if my dream came true? And I sure not hope so. But I couldn’t rub off the bad feelings.

“Lisa, you didn’t see her this morning?”, I asked Lisa.

“No, does she have a schedule? Why do you look so anxious, Unnie?”, Lisa asked me.

I just shook my head and rushed towards Jisoo’s room. The room was locked but for some reason, I wanted to make sure again that the room was locked. I knocked the door, and put my ear on the door. Nothing, I reckoned Dalgom was not inside too. I started to panic and called,

“Unnie? Jisoo-unnie?”, I almost shouted.

Rose and Lisa looked concerned as they stared at me act like that.

“Why are you panicking, unnie?”, Rose asked.

“No, it’s just…, I forgot where I put my earphone, and I think it’s inside Unnie’s room”, I made an excuse. Rose just nodded, but Lisa suddenly smiled and looked at me with that i-know-you-lying face. Honestly, I was not in the mood for happy things, because happiness was actually the thing that I’m scared the most. It’s just sometimes when happy things come at a reasonably “early” times, there will be bad things to follow. And I didn’t want to be happy just yet, so I ignored Lisa.

“Have you guys tried to call her?”, I asked the maknaes.

Both of them shook their heads. My phone was in my room and it was a bit of a waste of time to get my phone, so I borrowed Rose’s phone and called Jisoo.

No answer.

I tried once again.

Still no answer.

I called for nine times more but still no answer. I gave the phone to Rose. Then I walked towards my room to get my phone and called my manager.

“Hello, Jennie?”, my manager picked up.

“Oppa, do you know where Jisoo-unnie is?”, I asked my manager.

“Uh…”, my manager held his answer for long enough to drive me mad.

“Wait a minute, I’ll update to you soon”, after that my manager hanged up.

‘Something is wrong’, I thought to myself. And I started panicking and tried and call my manager again. He rejected my calls. I ran towards the living room and asked Lisa and Rose to call the managers.

All of the managers rejected our calls. Rose and Lisa started to panic.

“What’s happening?”, said Lisa.

Both of us were already lost in thoughts so Lisa’s question didn’t get any response.

In the midst of the silence, thoughts of the dreams suddenly surfaced and I unconsciously hit my head, to the maknaes surprise. The silence then was broken, by the sound of a phone call.

“It’s Jisoo-unnie’s brother”, I said.

I accepted the call.

“Yes, oppa?”, I said.

The first sound I heard was a sigh and a voice of a crying lady at a distance.

“Jennie?”, Jisoo’s brother said.

“Yes, oppa”, I answered with a bit more serious tone.

“Um, you guys don’t have to worry, don’t panic.”, said Jisoo’s brother which ironically set me off.

“What? What do you mean? Oppa?”, I panicked. The maknaes also started to panic. Jisoo’s brother took a deep breath.

“Jisoo fell off the stairs, and she’s in the hospital right now. She hit her head and passed out.”, and when he said that, the world froze in silence. A flash of Jisoo-unnie’s face smiling bright at me surfaced in my mind. The fear turned bigger and it swallowed me whole. I started shaking and the maknaes started to panic as well.

“What happened, Unnie?”, said both of the maknaes while holding my shoulders. And with that, I was thrown back into reality.

“Jisoo-unnie…”, I choked and started crying. I didn’t know why I cried, it seemed that I overreacted a little bit, but I didn’t know why that I had the feeling that this will go horribly bad.

“Unnie~”, Lisa and Rose started to whine and became frustrated.

“Oppa?”, I asked Jisoo’s brother.

“Yeah, Jennie don’t cry, don’t cry. Don’t panic. The doctors are tending to her right now, don’t worry.”, said Jisoo’s brother. But I kept crying and crying and I hugged Lisa and Rose. Then because of that Rose also started crying.

“What is it, Unnie?”, Rose asked while crying.

“Jisoo-unnie fell off the stairs and she’s in the hospital right now…”, And the maknaes weirdly started to hug me a little bit tighter. Only a week after this incident I was able to know that the maknaes had dreamed the same dream as me. The weird thing was, no media had known about this incident, and no one reported it in any articles or news. And to keep Jisoo’s family comfortable, we decided to not tell anyone but close friends about this incident.

After that, I texted Kai and canceled our date and informed him about Jisoo’s condition. He understood the situation and agreed to cancel our date. He also said that he won’t say anything to anyone, even to EXO members.

We went to the hospital and the doctors had already checked Jisoo’s condition. And they said, what they said was there’s nothing wrong with Jisoo’s condition. No bone fractures or anything. I was relieved to hear that.

We went to Jisoo-unnie’s room and met her for a brief moment. She was already awake. Her face was so pale. Her breathing was slow. And the beeping sound of the heart monitor ticked me off and gave me an abstract fear of losing Jisoo-unnie.

“Yo”, said Jisoo-unnie with a hoarse low voice.

“How are you feeling, unnie?”, said Lisa.

“You know”, Jisoo-unnie looked at the IV syringes that had penetrated her skins. And then looked at Lisa with an ironic smile. Me and the maknaes responded with a smile.

“Don’t worry”, she said.

“I’ll be okay”, she continued.

When she said that, I felt my heartstrings pulled. It just ached to hear that words. Maybe because I fear something bad that follows the ‘happy’ statement.

I didn’t say anything to Jisoo-unnie. I couldn’t. I don’t know why.

The doctor said that Jisoo-unnie has to stay for at least two days, to rest. At first, we just agreed and nodded at the doctor’s statement. But thinking of it now it was weird.

After a brief moment of talking with Jisoo-unnie, The manager told us to go back to our dorm. We were stubborn at first but then Jisoo’s brother managed to persuade us into leaving the place.

That night, me, Lisa, and Rose slept together in my room. For some reason, we needed each other that night. And we slept, anxious, and scared of what might happen the next day.

That night I had a dream of Jisoo-unnie. She was in a sunflower field smiling warmly at me. But she seemed far away. She called my name, but no sound made it to my ears. I tried to call her but my voice didn’t come out.

Then I woke up. The day was weirdly bright and shady at the same time. It is one of those light conditions where you can see dust flying in the air. The girls were still sleeping as I heard someone outside the door.

No way. I thought to myself. I was filled with euphoric anticipation. I rose from my bed and opened my door.

‘Yeay! it’s Jisoo-unn-“

It wasn’t.

It was Jisoo’s sister, Jiyoon-unnie. She just came out of Jisoo’s room and quite perplexed when she saw me. Her face was pale and droopy for some reason. I bowed to her, as she responded with another bow.

“Is Jisoo-unnie okay?”, I asked her.

Jiyoon-unnie hesitated at first and then smiled. She nodded.

“She will be back in no time-“, she choked.

“Can we go visit her?”, I asked her.

Jiyoon-unnie shook her head.

“It’s Jisoo’s personal request, not to let you guys worry”, she said looking down.

“But she will be back soon”, she continued.

I felt relieved, but suddenly Jiyoon-unnie looked down.

Her expressions changed.

“…No, I’m sorry, Jennie. She’s not okay…”, Jiyoon-unnie smiled bitterly.

I was speechless.

“You see, Jenni-“, she choked again. She seemed to try hard to hold her tears. Then I asked her to go to the living room to have a seat.

“You see, Jisoo is a bright and playful girl. She’s always smiling and always lighten the mood”, Jiyoon-unnie found her composure and spoke calmly.

“But turns out”, her voice broke down a little but she held herself.

She fell silent. Tears started to well inside my eyes, for I had already known what she’s going to say.

“She did it herself. She threw herself off the stairs…, it was not an accident.”, she said looking down. I cried.

“She is now being treated for clinical depression…”, Jiyoon-unnie broke down and cried.

“Why didn’t I see this coming? “, She blamed herself.

“I could have been a better sister….”, Jiyoon-unnie cried. I was speechless and the only thing that I could do was to cry.

“She must have been very exhausted…”, she said, crying.

The two of us just sat together crying, and thinking about the bright, innocent, and kind Jisoo-unnie. After a while, both of us stopped crying, and I hugged her really tight, for I know that she’s also broken when she knew that her sister was suicidal.

“Oh yeah…, Jisoo wrote you a letter, Jennie.”, Jiyoon-unnie said to me.

“That’s the reason I came here. I was supposed to drop the letter secretively, but turned out…”, She smiled while wiping her tears. I also responded with a smile.

After that Jiyoon-unnie went to the hospital to take care of Jisoo. And I went to the now-open Jisoo-unnie ‘s room. There was leather hard covered book and a red envelope inside of the book.

“Jisoo’s Book Of Poems”, I read the cover of the book.

I opened and picked the red envelope.

I opened it:

Dear Jendeuk,

Things have been awkward between you and me

Since the day (let’s be honest) you and Kai were officially dating

Of course, it was a fool of me to believe in a naïve love.

I tried and tried to accept the fact that you are already taken.

And try to smile through the day and be your partner like I used to.

But,

I don’t think I can do that

And it messes with my world.

Whenever I eat, reminds me of you.

Whenever I walk, reminds me of you.

Whenever the wind blows, reminds me of you.

Whenever I dream, there’s you.

Maybe it’s not your fault.

It’s just I’ve already used to being with you.

So with this letter, I’m going to tell you

That I decided to stay away from you

For a while

I want to remember the feeling of eating by myself

I want to walk the flowery road with my own feet

I want to feel the wind blows on my face

I want to dream a whole lot of fantastic dreams

Doesn’t mean I’ll forget the memories.

It'll forever be in my heart.

But maybe,

Just maybe,

We can have a better relationship

If I can finally see you,

As a friend.

Or a sister.

See you later.

with love,

Jisoo
 

I cried, but I smiled.