“EXO’s Kai reportedly dating Jennie of BLACKPINK”, said the headline of the article. It’s not something that surprised me as I already know about this . I just woke up after celebrating new year in my family’s house with my cousin and all.

This winter was a very cold one for me. The maknaes support Jennie and Kai’s relationship and been teasing her since two months ago. Me? Of course I support her, she’s my best…friend. But for no reason I couldn’t show Jennie a genuine smile when I tried to . But you know, I guess the heart can’t lie.

The same thing goes for this article. I tried to act panicky when I read this article because it might harm Jennie’s career. But in reality there’s a side of me that felt happy when I read this. I was happy for the possibility that this article might ruin Jennie and Kai’s relationship. I don’t have anything against Kai but I’m sorry,  that’s what I really felt.

I scrolled down the phone and saw photographs of Jennie entering Kai’s car. That fluffy cheeks is undoubtedly hers and Kai’s nose is a distinctive one, so there’ll be no excuse about this. I wanted to read the comments which I suppose is filled with angry and hate comments, but I said to my evil-self, “Save the best for last, kiddo”

Then I blankly stared at the ceiling for a little while. The light felt dim and it felt cold, the day was blue. Jennie’s smile and Jennie’s face flashes inside of my mind. And I continuously try to distract my thoughts from thinking about Jennie. I slapped myself because I felt very upset and depressed.

I looked at my phone and read the comments. The first one is an angry comment from a male fan saying that he had burned and broke his BLACKPINK’s Album. I felt content but I suppressed the feelings, because I know it’s not good if you want something bad happens to your best…whatever.

I read the comments after that and I’m shook. It was full of positive comments congratulating Jennie and Kai for their relationship. As I scroll down to the bottom of the article, I could actually see that the majority of the comments were unexpectedly positive. “Congatulations Jennie and Kai”, “JenKai is real” and other things I chose not to describe. SM also confirmed the relationship between Jennie and Kai. At that time, it was the only moment when I actually can feel that my heart broke and turned into small debris of s. I felt worse than ever. Hell, this is the worst feeling I’ve had ALL my life.

I burrowed my face in the pillows and stayed like that for almost seven hours until it’s my time to get back to the dorm.

It’s already dark when I got back to the dorm. I actually felt sorry to my manager cause I didn’t say “Happy New Year” or “Thanks for driving me back” or anything, because I was in a bad BAD mood. When I entered the dorm room, Lisa and Rose were there in the living room watching television. I said hi to them, and they looked at me like something is wrong. I was walking to my room when I heard the thing that I wanted to hear the least. Jennie walked out from her room and greeted me happily and offered me a hug. I hated her face and all of her appearance right then. So I just said “Hi” and steadily walked to my room. I could see Jennie’s eyes following me as I walked into my room.

I walked into my room and unpack and all of that thing. I wash my face and laid on my bed. I felt drained. I just lay on my bed with a hollow heart, it just felt bad I can’t stop telling you how bad it was. It was like I lost something that I’ve always hold dearly. I stayed like that for a while.

Someone knocked at the door, it was Jennie asking for my permission to come in. I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, I don’t want to talk to her. I could hear my door being opened and Jennie hesitantly asked, “Unnie?”, I stayed silent.

I heard Jennie’s steps as she walked onto my bed. She’s beside me now and I could hear her sighed deeply. I didn’t care. After a little while she walked out of my room and closed the door. I opened my eyes and then blankly stared at the doll that Jennie gave to me.

I rose from my bed and look at my old stuffs that I haven’t touched for God knows how long. I looked at my pile of novels and was searching for a good book to ease my pain. Then I saw a familiar book with no title on its side. It was a photo album of me and Jennie.

I opened it and looked at the pictures from my trainee days, when we used to wear couple outfits and went to the coffee shop near Hongdae. Those days, we were so happy, I was so happy. I looked at the other photos we took with Rose and Lisa, then the others when we made our debut. Tears started to well up in my eyes. And I flipped through the pages and end up seeing a photo of Jennie that I took in Japan. Her face was bright, her gummy smile lights the whole mood, and her petite body posed with joy. It’s heaven, it was MY heaven. I feel happy whenever I see her smile like this.

I closed the album and one photo fell out of the album. It was the photo when Me and Jennie went on a trip to Jeju with my family. Jennie was on top of my head acting as if she was biting it, like a chinchilla. I read the caption “Forever and ever” and I got goosebumps. I remembered the promise. The promise when I once saw her cry like a baby she is. I promised to take care of her.

She was my best…, she is my best…partner that I don’t want to lose. She is the love of my life.

I walked out of my room, and saw the maknaes staring at me. I smiled at them and walked to Jennie’s room. I opened the door and caught Jennie with teary eyes. I calmly walked and climb onto her bed and laid beside her. Jennie pouted and kept looking at me.

“You’re mad”, said Jennie.

I paused a while and looked at her. Then I avert my gaze from her.

“Yes…”, I said to her.

“…Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore”, I said to her while slightly blushing.

“Can I sleep here?”, I asked her.

Jennie nodded while still pouting.

“Congrats by the way”, I said while facing away from her.

“Um”, Jennie nodded.

Ah, my heart broke.