the last time soojung ever saw jongin was during their final day of break up -- to be fair, their break up really is just one day, but then again it was a process, not just this one explosion of fights and ‘i don’t want to do this anymore’ -- it was a flurry of tears, and hands that are shaking too much to even manage holding on to each other. they both looked broken beyond repair. it was a sight soojung never hopes to see again.

     however, the funny thing is that she sees the same thing in her mind over and over again. she could vividly see jongin’s tears, could still feel their fingers laced together, can still hear all that he’d said to her: ‘i’m sorry. i never wanted this to happen.’

     she doesn’t blame him though. some days, it really is just better to choose one’s passion instead of a girl -- a barely relevant girl he’ll come to forget when time comes.

     they had been eighteen then. young and incredibly stupid. they both think they’re on top of the world with their dreams, and they both think that the world is in their hands.

     soojung could only laugh. youth really is quite exquisite and funny.

     it’s bittersweet to think that all of that had been six years ago. she thought of how she grew from that break up, how she managed to pick herself back up on her feet and try her goddamn best to forget jongin (but she couldn’t), how she’d cried and cried for days and worried sooyeon, how she had to convince herself that jongin is not the last man on earth.

 

the falling snow on the window pane brought soojung back to reality. she should be picking jongin up in an hour from the nearest starbucks.

     it’s crazy, really, how an impending snowstorm and cancellation of flights and lack of pocket money could bring back an ex-couple together -- well not together, just witheach other as nothing more than ex-lovers.

     she remembered being shaken at the sound of his voice -- it didn’t help at all that he woke her up from her deep and well-deserved sleep.

     “soojung-ah,” he said the moment she answered the call. no greetings, no asking if he got the correct number, just her name in the same way he’d spoken it back when they were still together.

     she couldn’t really believe it was him, despite the fact that his voice sounded the same way it did a few years ago. it took her five more seconds of contemplating whether or not she should say his name back, or just a simple ‘annyeong’ . it was only because he mentioned that he could hear her breathing that she finally managed to speak.

     “hey,” it wasn’t annyeong or jongin , but it was a proper greeting at least.

     “how have you been?” he sounded a little shy… confused even, but she sweeps it under the carpet.

     “i’m good… just… really sleepy.” a yawn emerged right after her reply. despite the fact that she’s pretty much entirely awake now.

     there’s shuffling from the other end of the line, “i’m sorry did i wake you up?”

     “you kind of did. do you know it’s six in the morning right now?”

     “eight, actually.” his laughter is a sound she hasn’t heard in a while. she felt her stomach tie up in knots and she finds it a little endearing and scary at the same time that jongin could still make her feel that way.

     the reply caught her off-guard and soojung found herself reaching for the digital clock beside her bed, and sure enough it did say that it’s eight in the morning. she must have been that tired last night.

     “right. is there anything i can do for you?” point blank. it’s not that she’s unwelcoming of his presence and sudden attempt at getting back in touch, it’s just that she really wanted to have her rest back and it all felt very sudden. it seemed impossible for one kim jongin to suddenly reach back into soojung’s life without any reason at all.

     “wow. straight to the point. well, you know how there’s an upcoming snowstorm in new york tomorrow?” there was a short pause, soojung hums in response. “due to that, they cancelled all flights heading back to seoul. i couldn’t exactly keep on staying in this hotel, you know, i think i’ve maxed out my pocket money and i couldn’t exactly access my bank account at the moment. my employer’s yet to add some into that thing.”

     she took all of his explanation gracefully and not once did she stop to interrupt him. it wouldn’t dawn on her until later though that he actually asked her if he could stay with her until all flights are re-scheduled (it’s because he called so early and soojung only has about three and a half hours worth of sleep, hence why she’s slow on the uptake).

     soojung didn’t even beat around the bush anymore, “so you’re asking me if you could stay with me? i’m totally assuming that you’re in new york judging by how you knew it’s eight in the morning. also, you haven't gotten your paycheck yet?”

     “oh soojung,” he laughs, and it’s completely endearing to the point where she felt as though she’d have to hold her stomach just so it would stop fluttering, “you’ve always been so smart. i swear i’ll buy my own stuff and treat you to dinner at some point after all of this.”

     she reaches her hand up to massage her temples, “how long will you be staying here?”

     “three to four days at most.”

     “all right, jongin. when are you coming over?”

     “we can meet at the nearest coffee shop later at five?”

     there’s a resigned pause on soojung’s end, “at forty-second street. i’ll see you there. oh, and we’ll be having dinner outside once i pick you up. i’m too lazy to cook.”

     “i’ll see you then.” even if he’s in the same room as her, soojung could feel jongin’s smile all the way until the other end of the phone all. “it’s good to be able to talk to you again,” he added, probably as an afterthought.

     “you too, kim jongin.” then she drops the call.

 

the holiday spirit definitely drove the people of new york crazier than any other occasion. the streets are hectic as hell and she bumped into twice as many strangers as she would on any normal day. everyone seemed to be carrying some sort of paper bag filled with presents and soojung could only mentally berate them for not doing their christmas shopping earlier.

     a small victory dinged at the top of her head as she had already mailed her presents to sooyeon and the rest of her family two weeks ago. they should be in incheon now if the courier service was any good.

     christmas was due in two days, and the only reason soojung couldn’t come home for the holidays and take her usual leave with pay from work is because there was a huge event for the design company she’s in and they needed better pr. soojung took that as a hint to stay over the holidays and go over the dress designs before anything wrong comes.

     work over the holidays should be frowned upon, but she found that it gave her purpose. she didn’t really mind it at all; being busy. but it does tend to get lonely from time to time despite her weekly clubbing with her friends from work.

     in a sense, it didn’t seem to bad now to have jongin over for the holidays even though it was an unfortunate situation that brought him to her.

     he’s seated at the table next to the window when she found him. he has both his earbuds in and he was listening to music with his eyes closed. the sight looked so serene that soojung had to verbally remind herself to actually keep moving and to go up to the guy she was supposed to pick up.

     “ya, kim jongin,” the words flow out of quicker than expected and it took her a few seconds to realized that she just greeted him the way she would back when he was still her boyfriend. back when they were still lovesick teenagers.

     he looked up at her and in an instant, she was wrapped in a tight hug.

     “soojung-ie,” he sighed, like he was relief she showed up, or like it was a breath of fresh air to see her once more. soojung didn’t know, nor did she want to ask.

     “how long have you been in new york?” she took the seat in front of him and draped her coat over the chair.

     “long enough to go over the decision of calling you for more than a hundred times.” he responded with a sheepish grin on his face.

     soojung smiled with a shake of her head, even after all these years he still looked like the shy lanky teenage boy she went to school with. it was astonishing how a person could change over time but still look the same.

     “you should have called me,” he really should have. try as she might not to admit it, she missed him. “it’s been years.”

     “it really has been.”

     they went to dinner in burger king and jongin paid for all of the food. he told her about his time as a dancer right after high school graduation, after their break up. the best part was that soojung felt happy for him that he got to live his dream. that was better than living a dream that wasn’t for him.

     (soojung never told him but getting into the fashion industry wasn’t her dream, it was sooyeon’s. however, sooyeon took the academic route and got herself a job at a hospital in seoul. since then, her sister has tried to vicariously live through her and soojung felt as though she owed it to sooyeon to live her dream in exchange for sooyeon sacrificing her dream for what their parents had wanted.)

     instead of pushing the topic of the conversation onto her, she allowed jongin to talk continuously while they’re eating. she took tiny bites of her food out of respect for his lengthy stories (he wasn’t touching his food sometimes when he talked and soojung would feel bad if she’d finished hers before he did) and reacted during the proper times. she was enthusiastic about it, she really was, but she was also making a very conscious effort on trying to get him to just talk about himself so she wouldn’t have to talk about herself.

     unfortunately though, kai had always been a very curious person.

     “i thought you wanted to become a broadway star, soojung, what happened to that?” his gaze was on her and soojung felt sweaty and she felt as though she were shrinking.

     the sound of her laugh was thin and a little weary. he really does know how to ask questions that would get one to open up.

     “i gave it up. just like what unnie did to hers.” soojung doesn’t bother to prolong the explanation. jongin was smart, he’d figure out the rest of the story on his own.

     “oh. mianhae. ” the way his posture deflated prompted soojung to place a hand on his arm.

     “it’s okay. although you should probably finish your dinner, we’ve been here for an hour already.” soojung gave him a sheepish smile and jongin mumbles another apology before going back to his food.

     they walked back to her apartment in comfortable silence afterwards.

 

soojung’s apartment has two rooms; one for her, and one that sooyeon usually slept in during her almost-monthly visits to soojung. however, seeing as sooyeon’s visits this year had decreased, soojung turned the room into a temporary storage for her clothes that she hasn’t had the time to sort through yet.

     (one of the benefits of working for a fashion company is the free clothes. soojung gets at least two free clothes during payday. she wouldn’t have to worry about clothing if ever becomes homeless in that way.)

     it only leaves her apartment with one available room for resting, and the couch. it’s jongin though, and soojung didn’t mind if he’d slept on the floor of her room. a lot of her colleagues have slept on the floor of her room before, jongin wouldn’t be any different from them.

     (except, he is.)

     “i hope you don’t mind the floor. i’d offer you the couch but the heater in the living room is kinda faulty. i don’t want to be guilted by a shivering guest in my living room.” she told him as she took the extra comforters from sooyeon’s room.

     jongin’s gaze shifted from the living room to the door of her bedroom. she knew that look far too well. he was hesitating.

     “oh come on, it’s not like it’s a big deal. we’ve done this thing loads of times when we were in high school.” it was an attempt to make him believe that it really was fine, although her heart is already beating way too fast for her liking.

     “it’s different, though,” jongin commented, but he took the comforter anyway and made himself comfortable on the floor. “we were dating then.”

     soojung blinked once, and then twice, fully taking in what he just said before shrugging it off. “still better than freezing to death in the living room when the heater automatically screws up.”

     jongin seemed convinced enough, and soojung took that as her cue to turn the tv on. it was a flatscreen one, bought by sooyeon who placed it in soojung’s room. for when soojung wanted to watch something before falling asleep, she’d said as she opened the box with her usual endearing smile.

     “any requests?” she turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

     “i want a movie so bad it’s good.”

     soojung played the christmas prince. somewhere after the forty minute mark of the movie, she heard jongin’s soft snores.

 

she woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes the next morning, jongin must have woken up earlier and took it upon himself to make breakfast. she stood up and went to the bathroom to fix herself up and do her morning routine.

     never in a million years did soojung imagine having jongin around in her own apartment after their bittersweet ending, nor did she imagine having him around for christmas. today was the twenty fourth and the snowstorm will come by later in the afternoon as per the advisory of the weather channel, there was no way he could make it to seoul in time for christmas.

     maybe when they were still kids who knew nothing, she had imagined him like this, in an apartment they’re sharing, making breakfast as soon as she wakes up. she imagined all of that with love and anticipation, not really knowing that one day they’ll have to take separate paths from each other.

     everything was different now. they grew up to be the people they could be, and they were far more mature than they were at eighteen. soojung briefly thought about asking him if he’d missed her, but she shook her head and willed away the thought. if she wanted to ask him that, even for just a moment, then what did that mean for her?

     she walked out of the bathroom and went straight to the kitchen, denying herself the fact that she’d actually missed jongin even though they haven’t been in touch for six years.

     “smells good,” she said as she sat on one of the kitchen stools.

     “thanks. although i have no idea which syrup to bring out so i just took both,” he motioned to the bottles of chocolate and maple syrup on the kitchen counter.

     soojung smiled, “i’m not the biggest fan of chocolate on pancakes. i just keep it there just in case some visitor wanted chocolate syrup.”

     “maple it is, then.” he took away the chocolate syrup and stashed it back into the pantry.

     “how’d you know where everything is?” this is the first time jongin had been in her new york apartment, yet he seemed to find everything seamlessly. she’d noticed that the moment she walked out and he was opening kitchen cabinets, taking all that he needed in one go.

     jongin handed her a plate with pancakes and some bacon at the side, “you have your stuff fixed exactly like your mother’s.”

     soojung tilted her head. how did he know the way her mom fixed things in their kitchen?

     “i’ve been in your house a couple of times, you know. just because we stopped getting in touch doesn’t mean it’s the same for your mother, too.” he smiled as he sat on the stool opposite to hers. he must have dragged that chair over there before he started cooking.

     the way he smiled took soojung back to memory lane, back to their first official date as a couple, they were stupid sixteen-year-olds then. she asked jongin why he sat in front of her when her space at the booth is spacious enough for two people to fit.

     “ i want to see your face; it’s easier if i sit in front of you than turning my head to the side every now and then just to look at you.” he told her with the same sheepish grin on his face last night when they were at dinner.

     her heart fluttered, but she also ignored it.

     “she never told me you visit from time to time,” soojung mumbled, feeling a little left out. there was nothing horrible about jongin, really. their break up was sad but it doesn’t mean that there was bad blood between the two of them. yes, there were misunderstandings here and there, but soojung was now way past all of that. she would have loved to see him again and catch up along with her parents.

     “well, when i went back to incheon, you were already in parsons. i couldn’t really see you then.”

     “oh, so that’s why,” it made sense. the moment jongin left for seoul to become a dancer, soojung sent out her applications for tische and she heard back from them a month later. she was accepted for the fashion marketing program and she left without even thinking twice.

     jongin hummed in response, “i never knew why we’ve never seen each other before during the holidays. must be because my mother wanted to drive around a lot when there are occasions and you guys stay at home.”

     “well, now you’re here.” she stated without really knowing what she’d meant by that.

     “now i’m here,” he smiled at her once more, “did you miss me?”

     soojung choked on her food, and it took a few coughs a a glass of water before she finally regained her composure.

     “jesus christ, jongin, you can’t just ask those things all of a sudden while the person you’re talking to is eating!” there was a glare on her face. despite the watery eyes, soojung still looked intimidating.

     jongin held up his hands as though he was holding up a white flag to soojung’s wrath. “ mianhae. i swear i didn’t mean it.”

     instead of feeling a little bit more annoyed, soojung could only give him a resigned smile. she could never stay mad at kim jongin no matter how hard she tried. hell, she couldn’t even be annoyed at him even for just a few minutes.

     “you’re good. just don’t do that again.” she debated on answering his question. if she did, then she’ll have to admit it to herself too, that she did miss him. lying was not an option. soojung could never stand lying to him, even for something so small such as that. “yeah i missed you.”

     the smile on his face is brighter than the sun, and soojung could feel enough warmth radiating from him that she felt as though the heater wasn’t needed anymore.

     “good. because i missed you too, soojung-ie.”

     the next thing she knew, he had his arms wrapped around her. she found herself relaxing in his arms, like it was a breath of fresh air that she needed. soojung missed him -- she missed everything about him, and there was a rush of magic and emotions running in her mind and in her chest but they all fit. they all fit and collapse into each other the way she did to kim jongin.

     “i’ve been thinking of you for too long. i was too scared to reach out.” he sighed.

     “i would never ignore a message or anything from you, kim jongin. you should have reached out sooner.” she didn’t know if she was laughing or smiling, but she was happy.

     she could feel jongin bury his face into her shoulder and and she softened at the way he felt against her. he felt like a vacation or a present she had longed for but didn’t knew she needed.

     “soojung-ie,”

     “yes?”

     “i never stopped loving you, you know,” his voice was filled with hope.

     soojung held him tighter, willing to close away every single gap that exists between the two of them. seoul and new york doesn’t even matter in the moment. for now, the world is just her and jongin in her too-spacious apartment for just one person.

     his confession left her heart beating with color, suddenly the autopilot days didn’t seem so monotone anymore. soojung only realized that she had long been hoping for him too.

     “me either. come to think of it, i never even dated anyone after you.” she chuckled, still tucked within his warm embrace.

     “i did my job of growing up. now maybe we could start all over again?” he pulled away only to press his forehead against hers. his eyes were closed, so were hers.

     “i don’t want to start over. i want to pick up where we left off.” then she pulled him in and pressed her lips to his.

     they spent christmas the next day entangled with each other watching horror movies and eating unhealthy amounts of popcorn. jongin told her he’ll be back in two weeks with a shiny new job in the new york as a choreographer. soojung kissed him again and again and again.

     maybe spending the holidays in new york wasn’t so bad after all.