Recovery [Oneshot]

Description

Summary: you had broken up with Mark Tuan a year ago and thought you would never allow him back into your world again. But with growth comes understanding, and you realised you still needed Mark.

Characters: Mark Tuan x reader

Genre: angst / ex-lovers to lovers au

A/N: so another dream strikes again. I don’t know why I always dream of Mark when it comes to the really heavy topics in my life, like the loss of my Dad, but for some reason I dreamt this in such vivid detail that even a few days later I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to write it out. I did omit some of the original dream scene that leads them back together because it got too dark for my liking, but I’m otherwise really happy with how this random piece has come together! I hope you enjoy it.

Word count: 4333

Foreword

You believed you would never rely on Mark Tuan again.

After all, you had survived the year without him and you were finally at a point in your life where you felt like you weren’t crippled by the ache of him not at your side anymore. The past four years together still held their place within your heart as the most tumultuous and fulfilling you had ever experienced, yet now without Mark, you were certain didn’t need him either.

You had thought it would be harder than it was to go on.

At first, it had been. You had cried and you had ached. Nothing had seemed right without Mark. You had thought you would be forever, even if you fought more than most people you knew. It was just in your nature though, to challenge each other and then remember why you were together in the first place. Mark just had this way about him that completed you in every way.

It grew stale though.

The getting back together after each argument took longer and it wasn’t as sweet as it was in the beginning. There used to be an element of excitement when his lips would crash upon yours after days without tasting them. Towards the end, it felt like it was more of an obligation. You loved him, you would never deny that. But love wasn’t able to fix the mess either of you were in.

It was his decision to end things. You hadn’t wanted to, holding onto some fantastical belief that it would get better. It hadn’t over the last year but you were certain with the New Year, it would be the new start you and Mark craved.

In February, you hadn’t realised the change would be him moving out of your apartment and you would be restarting alone. You continued to live in the apartment for two whole months before you couldn’t stand the walls of your love-nest. You knew he wasn’t coming back by then and you finally moved out, closing the chapter of your love affair with Mark Tuan.

Or, that’s what you liked to tell yourself at least.

It took six months before you felt like you could breathe properly again. And another three for you to feel like you were worthy of love again. You didn’t seek the company of anyone, rather you loved yourself. You had spent far too much time blaming and hating on yourself, that loving what you saw in the mirror each morning was hard. Eventually, accepting that there were two people who failed your relationship allowed you to see the beauty in yourself again. To hope for a future where you could offer your mended heart to another. Even if there was a small part of you that knew you couldn’t love anyone like you had Mark, you hoped that there would be another chance in love for you.

But you were okay with being alone right now. You spent time with your friends. Soon, you were stepping out of your home more often and enjoying the seasons turning cold as Christmas grew closer. You ignored the pang in your chest whenever you realised it would be the first Christmas without Mark. You planned your entire festive season to be full of events that would keep you distracted right up to the last day of the year, the one you were certain could send you spiralling out of control if you weren’t careful. You had worked too hard to let December 31st drag you down. You would welcome the New Year in with your friends and family and forget about the proposal you had received under the twinkling of fairy lights two years ago.

You had no room in your mind to consider what it would be like if your plans had gone ahead and you would be Mrs Tuan right now. It would be detrimental to even consider such a thing when you were focused on stepping into the next year with your best step forward.

The New Year arrived and you got a promotion at work. It seemed things were on the up until you heard your best friend was dating someone.

“Jackson?” you repeated, your eyes wide. Sarah toyed with her drink within her grasp as you came to terms with her sudden news. You blinked once. “You mean, as in Jackson Wang, Mark’s best friend?”

“We always liked each other and it just sort of happened recently when we bumped into one another.”

You could see how anxious she was telling you the news. You thought back to when you hung out with Mark’s friends and how flirty Sarah and Jackson were with each other. You had often told Mark how cute a couple they would make. You were adamant they were simply wasting their time not getting together back then. But now, it felt harder to imagine.

Well, imagine where you would fit into this world now.

You smiled, perhaps a little too forcefully and reached over for her hand. Who was shaking? Was it you or was Sarah still nervous? You gripped on a little too tightly and then tried to appear elated. “I’m happy for you.”

“It’s okay not to be,” Sarah mentioned, watching you intently. “You don’t have to be okay about this.”

You in a deep breath as you pulled your hand back and clasped it within your other under the table, fiddling with the keeper on your smart-watch. The woman across from you knew you too well and would be aware you were fidgeting. Her eyes grew concerned and you blinked rapidly, refusing to let your emotions build to a point that would ruin her news.

Sarah deserved to be happy, even if it was with someone too close to the pain you still carried somewhere deep within your chest. You wouldn’t let your misery out, or allow her to second doubt this decision. You firmly squared your shoulders and shot her a weak, but genuine smile.

‘I’m happy if you’re happy.”

 

It surprised you how much you coped when you stepped back into that world. Things had changed and yet it still felt the same. Mark had a good group of friends who you hadn’t realised you had shut out when you lost him. You knew they would have felt torn; especially Jinyoung, when in the beginning he would call and text to make sure you were okay, and you ignored him because it hurt too much. He was Mark’s other best friend and you didn’t want to deal with anything or anyone that linked directly to your ex. But when you stepped into the party at Sarah’s side two months into her dating Jackson, you felt an immense level of grief wash over you at seeing the people you had spent so many occasions like this with, enjoying the endless laughter and ease of friendship.

You wondered if you would even laugh tonight.

“Y/N!” Youngjae enthused as he moved to your side, hugging you without hesitation. You gripped at him, blinking rapidly as his infectious chuckling filled your head. You had missed that sound too much. You were shuffled around through other friends until Jinyoung had taken your hand in his and kept you close to him, his dark eyes silently asking you questions.

If you were okay, if you needed to go somewhere else to breathe, if you knew Mark was here too.

Of course, you knew he was somewhere. You hadn’t seen Jaebum yet and assumed they were together, and would make their way into the room at some point. You had been right, ten minutes later both appeared through the mingle of people, Jaebum’s eyes widening for only a second when he found you seated beside Jinyoung and then turned to see Mark’s reaction.

You avoided the stare that you now felt cascading over you for some time. You weren’t ready to look up into those umber orbs of his, the ones you had so many times sunk into entirely. The ones you had loved more than any other set of eyes you had ever seen. You needed more time. So you stared at your lap, at the hand that held yours still, Jinyoung’s thumb gently running circles to relax you with. You smiled, he knew you almost as well as Sarah did.

Your chest ached from shutting him out over the past year.

“Wow, Y/N, I heard you might be coming tonight, but I didn’t … I’m so glad you came,” Jaebum mentioned softly as movement flashed in front of your eyes and soon he was on your other side, slinging an arm around you effortlessly. That had always been Jaebum’s way; he was like a big brother to you even though you were the older one. The arm around you felt heavy tonight though and you wondered if it was the weight of your disappearance in his world too. You should have tried harder to keep your friendships with them all. Perhaps then it wouldn’t have been such a shock for you when Sarah mentioned her news.

An hour went by before you finally looked up to see Mark staring at you still. He hadn’t said anything since your arrival, and you had barely spoken yourself. Now that you were growing comfortable with the familiar voices and interactions, you felt confident enough to look up from your lap. You gasped a little, shocked from the intensity of his gaze on you. He wasn’t at ease with you there, but you could tell he didn’t want you to leave either. A small smile tugged at his lips and you smiled back as well, relieved you could muster such a reaction to the person you had hoped to never see again.

You knew now that it wasn’t that you didn’t need to see him, but rather, you needed to learn how to be around him again. You glanced around at your friends, your eyes stopping on Sarah smiling warmly up at Jackson as he whispered in her ear.

You would do anything to make sure this continued for her.

 

“Okay, so those who want to join the loser team, go over to Y/N’s side,” Jackson announced and you rolled your eyes, placing your hands on your hips.

“Jackson, how old are you? This is just a simple challenge to collect data for Jinyoung’s project. It’s nothing more than that,” you bit back, and Jackson wagged a finger at you dismissively.

“We will win at showing you all how a successful team can save on power and use technology effectively. I’m going to let you choose first, only because you’re a lady.”

“Why thank you,” you exclaimed graciously, still shaking your head at his antics. He never changed. “I pick Jinyoung.”

“Not Sarah?” Jackson cried, and then pointed at his girlfriend. “Come here, baby.”

It went in that fashion, you picking people for your team that would be helpful and Jackson chose those who he believed would make you feel weaker. He didn’t realise at all how foolish his attempt was, you didn’t feel weak at all anymore.

Another two months had passed and things were almost at a level where you could feel at ease again. Weekends were filled with antics such as these, helping Jinyoung with survey questions for his work or playing sports with the boys and getting active. You had been training for a marathon since the start of the year and completed it last weekend, feeling the strongest you had ever been. It had been your goal to achieve and when you crossed the finish line, it was if you had raced against yourself and all that held you back. You had felt free that day, and seeing your friends waiting for you and Sarah on the finishing line had made you feel even more accomplished. Jinyoung had crashed against you first, hoisting you up a little as he laughed and congratulated you. You had hugged everyone standing there until you got to Mark’s side, hesitating for only a moment before you dove into his arms, the adrenalin running through you masking any concerns you held about hugging him again. It had been bearable, though you had to admit you missed his embrace for a few days after. And although Jackson had chosen Mark so you wouldn’t have to, you knew you could have dealt with having him on your team.

He had been your friend before he was your lover, and whilst you couldn’t see him as a friend still, you definitely were able to be around him now.

It was a step forward in your recovery.

Plans were in place with how you could complete the project at hand when you received a phone call from your Mum, asking you where you were. You had promised her that you would take her out grocery shopping earlier this week since she had just had minor surgery and after you gave a quick farewell with a promise you would continue your plans later, you headed off to your car and got in, turning it on and frowning at the small whine it made. You shrugged when it stopped and the driving experience felt fine, making a mental note that you would get it checked out at the start of the week. You drove along and sung happily to your favourite songs playing on your radio and then waited to turn into the neighbourhood where your Mum lived, soon moving into the intersection when it was clear to do so.

When your car promptly cut out.

You managed to get the car to the curb by coasting it over and then sat there for an immeasurable time, panting heavily. To anyone else, this would have been only mildly frightening. To you though, who had lost your Father in a car accident, it made you panic. You gripped at the steering wheel until your knuckles turned white and you felt the ache grow within your arms. The tears fell in a mixture of relief and despair, thankful you were safe, but plagued with the alternative if you hadn’t of gotten here so quickly. The flashbacks of the nightmare from years ago moved into the forefront of your brain and before you registered it, your shaking hand dove into your purse, retrieving your phone and dialled a number. You listened to it ring as you sobbed and it finally connected on the fourth ring, a clearing of a throat signalling you to talk.

“Y/N?” the familiar voice asked hesitantly and you choked on your emotions, trying to get yourself to speak. You heard the urgency within his voice as he spoke again. “Are you alright?!”

“I need you,” you managed to splutter out and Mark cursed, begging you to tell him where you were. You looked around yourself for signage, unaware of where you were anymore. You knew this street like the back of your hand since you had travelled down it so many times, but in your frazzled state, it all seemed unfamiliar to you. When you gave over the name of the street you heard him one more time before the call disconnected and you succumbed to your tears.

I’m coming.

It felt like an eternity before you saw a car frantically pull up in front of yours and you saw several people get out of it, but your eyes only recognised his, your body flinging the door to your car open and you didn’t get far before Mark pulled you into his strong embrace, your body sagging in relief as he held onto you tightly.

“What happened?!” he asked as he finally shifted away enough to look you over. He pushed your hair away from your dishevelled face and you stared up at him silently, feeling overwhelmed with the care within his face. Of course, you knew regardless of what happened, Mark hadn’t stopped caring about you.

But in that moment, everything became evident. He hadn’t left you over a year ago because what you had was destroyed. Rather, he let you go before there was nothing left of either of you so you could recover and grow as people again. As he waited for you to tell him what was wrong, his own eyes were begging for you to be okay, because he couldn’t cope if you weren’t. It made you break down again, burying into his embrace more tightly. You hadn’t thought you would ever be back within his arms, but right now you were where you needed to be.

After some time the tears stopped and you were able to explain the situation. You had been scolded by Jinyoung for driving the car if you had heard such a sound, that one of them would have taken you easily instead. Jaebum had mentioned how relieved he was that you were okay. Sarah had taken you in her arms and cried with you, having been at your side when you lost your Father tragically. And Mark, he had remained silent, his arms hanging limply at his side when their job was completed. You were eventually ushered into the car between Sarah and Jinyoung, though your eyes remained on the back of Mark’s head from where he sat in the front with Jaebum. You were grateful for their support, but you felt robbed of the embrace you had gripped onto, your body cold and shivering from the shock and the lack of Mark’s warmth. The short trip to your Mother’s had you numbly directed into your family home, the maternal embrace of your Mum warming you slightly before exhaustion overtook you and you struggled to remain upright. It was those same arms that saved you before that caught you as you swayed again, Mark’s grip around you securing you against him and his voice distantly told everyone he would take you to your room.

The layout of your family home was still familiar to him as he guided you into your old bedroom, your eyes falling upon a framed photo on your desk from when you and Mark had started dating. You noticed his own gaze was on the same spot for a moment before he held onto you with one hand and reached down to shift back the blankets of your childhood bed. Without complaint you allowed him to help you out of your jumper before laying you down, smiling lightly at you as he pulled up your blankets.

“You need to rest now,” he told you and you nodded softly, your eyes still on him even though it was hard to focus with the comfort of your bed. “I’ll get Sarah to let me know how you-”

“Will you stay?” you asked, desperate for him to not abandon you just yet. You wanted him to hold your hand until you fell asleep. When you woke up you’d deal with your emotions and the loss of him again. But for now, you wanted to know he’d be there until you were asleep.

Mark’s eyes swirled with emotion and he bit at his lip before he nodded, sitting down on the bed beside you. His hand reached for yours and you gripped onto him, smiling at how warm you felt now.

“Why did you call me?” he murmured as he watched you close your eyes at his touch, a sigh leaving him. “Why me?”

“You were all I could think of,” you admitted in a whisper, feeling the tears pool behind your eyelids. You were amazed you could still cry.

“You really mean that?”

“Does it bother you that I still think of you?” you asked, attempting to open your eyes but he moved, running a hand gently over your eyebrows to help aid you in falling asleep. You whined at the tactic. You had so much you wanted to say to him, so much you needed to confess to. But he was sending you off to sleep with his hand moving in a constant rhythm. It was unfair and you hated that you still could be placated like this.

“Sleep, Y/N. Now isn’t the time for this.”

You wondered when would be as darkness took over you, drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

 

You roused in the middle of the night, aching all over from your ordeal. The emotions you had been afflicted with had weakened you enough for you to cough when you sat up in your bed, groaning a little at how dry your throat felt. Slowly, you threw your legs over the side of your bed and padded out to the kitchen, reaching into the refrigerator for a bottle of water that you drank from thirstily, gulping half of it down before you coughed from the effort of drinking too fast. You heard a movement from within the living room and closed the refrigerator, rounding the edge of the kitchen counter and peered into your family room. On the sofa was a sleeping form, and as you approached it you realised quickly it wasn’t Sarah as you had expected.

It was Mark.

You knelt down in front of him, smiling lightly at how his sleeping habits hadn’t changed. He still curled up and cupped his face with one of his arms, his mouth slightly ajar as he breathed in and out deeply. His eyelids twitched as he dreamed and you craved to see what was going inside his slumber, foolishly wishing yourself to be within his mind. You hesitated before your hand gently reached to brush the hair that had fallen across his face to the side and you held your breath as a slight moan left his mouth. Deciding you would let him rest in peace, you went to hoist yourself back up, but your pressure on the sofa for support stirred the sleeping man and his hand shifted to your wrist. You stopped moving and looked back at him.

“I thought you would have gone home,” you murmured and Mark let out a breath before he gave you an expectant gaze.

“You asked me to stay.”

“All the same, I didn’t think you would.”

There was an uncomfortable silence between you at your admission before Mark slowly sat up, his hand on yours gently tugging at you so you would climb up onto the sofa beside him. You were close but your body ached to be closer, to fall back into his embrace like it had been yesterday.

He wasn’t ready for that though and you respected the distance painfully.

“I didn’t leave you because I wanted to,” he told you and you nodded softly.

“I know.”

“I left before we had nothing left. I didn’t want to destroy you.”

You glanced at him and sighed heavily. “Leaving kind of did that.”

“Did it?” he questioned and you stared at him, searching for an explanation. He nodded. “It hurt more than anything, I know. Believe me. The amount of times I turned up on your doorstep and heard you crying on the other side, I almost caved and put in the code to the front door to come in and tell you it was okay. But we weren’t okay, and that would have only made it worse. We needed this, Y/N.”

“I was surprised to hear about Jackson and Sarah. Not because it seemed like a bad match, but because I knew it would lead me back into your world,” you told him and he nodded again. You blinked back your tears. “I thought I wouldn’t make it, you know. That I couldn’t be back around you again.”

“Same,” Mark breathed and you shared a gaze, both recklessly staring at the other for longer than you should have. It was him who shifted closer to you, allowing you the opportunity to nestle into his shoulder and throw an arm over his waist. His own went around your back and pulled you into his side further. “I missed you, I missed this.”

“Should we allow ourselves to be like this?” you wondered, swallowing heavily. “Can we have this again?”

“I don’t want what we used to have,” he stated and you nodded slowly, feeling your emotions overwhelm you quietly. “I can’t go back to fighting with you all the time. We thought it was what we were meant to do, but really, we didn’t know how destructive we were being with each other until it was too late.”

“So in the morning will you be gone again?” you whispered and you felt Mark tense. You tried to steady your emotions. You had come so far since you had last relied on Mark that you didn’t want to seem like you couldn’t live your life anymore. “I can do it; I can try to forget this stumble didn’t happen. For our friends, I-”

“I can’t,” he told you simply and you glanced up at him finally, seeing the tears fall from his eyes. “I can’t go back now that I’ve held you again. I won’t let you go this time.”

“What if we fight again?”

“We’re bound to fight, you’re too dramatic for your own good and I will find your antics annoyingly adorable like I used to,” he said with a smile and you felt your heart race at his hopeful tone. You felt like you could grasp onto the emotion yourself with how this conversation was heading. It was still too early to see though. Much like the dim lighting of the early morning, until the sun was shining again, you wouldn’t be able to assess the path ahead. But as he held onto you, you knew that you wouldn’t be facing that path alone.

Mark had left you so you could both find yourselves again. And although there was much to work through, as long as he held onto you, you knew your second chance in love had arrived.

And this time you planned on making sure it lasted.

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july-pupetta #1
Hi so i read the story mainly because Mark is my bias XD... but really i loved this story it was very beautiful! i liked how you portrayed Mark and her, all the feelings she felt after breaking up with him were very realistic, i felt so sad for her. I especially liked how she matured and found herself, like she started to enjoy herself and found again happiness with her friends. loved the ending too since it's like they will grow as a couple ( i hope XD) and learned from their mistakes.