“You know Tae, work… home… such a routine and monotonous life…”, Sohyun said softly after taking a sip of the coffee he made while enjoying the city view behind the glass walls of his agency. “My trip to Australia… for the first time, I made a trip alone… I had to beg my agency for that... But today, I made up my mind to spend time with you. I wanted to talk to you… I came here under the excuse that I wanted to meet the people I work with…”, gripping her hold on the coffee cup, she looked at him and said, “I had to lie to many people…”

As she started off her monologue, Taehyung felt unsettled and wondered what she’s going to come up with now.

“Let’s just be friends Tae!”, she declared.

His eyes which gently looked on her, turned cold at her words.

“Otherwise there will be too much pain… we worked so hard to be in the place we are today, and we grew up thinking this is life… But people will give us new definitions for life and career and will ask us to choose between them. I don’t want that…”

He shut his cold eyes tightly to contain himself.

“I wanted to talk to you, spend time with you… that’s why I am here with you. I don’t want to lose this. If there’s love between us, we can’t be free. It’s too much pressure… We’ll be worried if someone is watching us… worried about what people will think…”

He ran his hands through his hair and sighed out aloud. But his gestures of displeasure at her words never struck her.

Oblivious of his signs, she asked, “Can we be this without love?”

He never uttered a word and stayed quiet with furrowed brows and furious eyes.

Finishing her coffee, she gently placed the cup on the glass table in front of her and paid her attention to the setting sun behind the tall buildings. “Without the burden of love, we can spend time together, just like today! If everyone knew us as just friends, you can even come up to my agency and spend time with me… Crossing all boundaries but not together… no secrets… no love… with nothing between us…”

“Nothing?”, his indignation laden tone sounded.

She nodded asking, “What do you say?”

Her questions piqued his temper, but just a smirk escaped his lips.

“But…”, she started, “In these years, I haven’t had any boyfriend or even any guy friends… off the camera, you’re the only guy who kissed me…”

With grumpy look on his face, he nodded listening to her.

The silence that came after her confession, gave her the space to check the time on her phone. Upon checking, she said, “We better join with others…” She stood up to leave but he stayed seated clenching his fist. She saw him through the corner of her eyes and reluctantly took her steps away on finding him seated still on the chair.

As she paced away, he rose on his feet suddenly and in soreness, he asked, “What are you trying to prove Sohyun-ah?”

His words drew her attention like gravity.

It took me lots of courage to string those words and direct at him. But his one question made me feel like I lost my purpose. His brows are narrowed, his eyes were past anger… he looked composed, but I felt apprehensive about it.

His tone which soon might blow up, spoke, “Are you trying to prove that it’s no big deal? How can I delete my love from our relationship? How is that possible? That too for others? How do you do that Sohyun-ah?”

The way he called me ‘Sohyun-ah’, pierced me more than his questions. I knew I was being unreasonable… but doesn’t he know the reason behind my greedy and selfish requests?

The few seconds of stillness that lasted didn’t calm him down, instead his furious tone sounded, “Then, you call me ‘Tae’ and talk about our kiss…”. There, he spelled my greediness… He breathed in to calm himself, but it was evidently in vain.

“Despite those talks, you’re too careful about our fingers brushing? You thought if your hand touched me then I would…”, that smirk that ended his sentence never failed to stab me.

His eyes that looked at me questioning, and his hand that rubbed his nape felt alien but familiar. My mind went blank like the dream which gets wiped out from memory after I wake up.

But he didn’t stop there, “When you were in Australia, I was here… still I wanted to kiss you. Even if you are a mile away from me, I would feel like, I will feel like touching you… I want to hug you and feel you… When we become old with shaky hands and quivering voice, even then I will feel the same way…” When he shut his eyes to withheld himself from uttering further, I prepared myself to hear those words. “I wanna make love to you all the time! Call it lust or hormones… justify it with science … but why does it happen only with you… of all girls?”, he vented it and then in a subtle tone he muttered, “Then, how can we be just friends!”

I saw the Tae of college days once again which froze me. His words clearly angered me, but I as usual I stood without any words.

“Do you understand anything I am saying?”, he asked the question that I once shot at him. “You said you feel like spending time with me, its only because of love! If you take that love away… then you won’t feel this way… You shouldn’t tell the world that ‘we are just friends’… Say ‘Taehyung loves me with all his heart… I love him too, we want to be together and spend time together without any worries… so, give us your blessings’. Will you tell the world that? It’s been more than a decade through 21^st century, so people might accept us… might be even gladly, if we’re lucky…”

At that moment, never before was I under such turmoil. I hated his guts and his honesty. I had no answer nor a lie. I had so much questions and conditions, but he shattered it all and tore my brave front into bits. The only lie that escaped my mouth was, “I hate you!”

He nodded and calmly responded with a ‘thank you’.

I immediately walked away, like I always did whenever he gives me hope; whenever he pulled my heart strings...

That night, I had a dream. In that dream, all I had was that lone heat and was sure that was mine till he came in. when he appeared before me, something hit me like the surge onto the shores of sea and I didn’t hesitate wee bit to drown under that raging wave. Couldn’t help as my heart slowly slipped away from me. Even my shadow felt like it was walking away from me, towards him. I was waiting for him to ask what I desire… I was eagerly looking for an utterance of a single word from him about my wishes. I was waiting for the day to clearly and loudly cry ‘I love you too!’

I was living the dream within the dream, and seeing myself there… I never wanted to wake up from that slumber.

I woke up from the dream which etched itself strongly in my memory. That sunlight through the curtains, the strange shadows on the floor sketched by the branches and sunrays through the window and the weird silhouette on the tree beside my window, those usual things that bothered me, didn’t matter to me.  

Delightedly handing him over the bouquet of flowers that I prepared diligently and sharing my thoughts and heart with him, is how I desired to meet him. However, something restrained me, and my heart sure throbbed in pain. But I’m neither meeting him nor have any intention of seeing him in that way.

I had a meeting with his agency staffs again, formally, officially, for MV creation of another group co-managed by Taehyung’s agency. My agency wasn’t actually inclined towards the offer since it was an emerging idol group’s MV, but I insisted on doing it. Because I had a selfish intention; I needed an excuse to see him, though the MV wasn’t his’, I thought I have a chance of meeting him accidentally if I accept the offer by his agency. And what happened was… while my eyes and ears were leaning towards the keywords related to Taehyung, disappointment is all that was left.

The conference table had many people with high designations in drama and music productions. Since the song was a romantic ballad, rather than choreography, they needed a good screenplay and picturesque MV with the actors. While discussing the possible storylines for the MV, they finalised the one which needs a co-star to act alongside me. Soon the topic of discussion turned towards the male actor to be casted. As an actor by profession, my contribution in the topics discussed was zero, but my presence… earned the name ‘Kwak Dongyeon’ because of the recent drama we did.  While I sat there questioning my presence in the meeting, “Sohyun-sshi, why don’t you join with us?”, a voice questioned me. Looking in the direction of the voice, I found the director leaning on the table with eager eyes. Upon confirming the owner of the voice, “Deh (sure)!”, I said promptly without even knowing what that invite was for. And I went along without thinking much.

Soon, I found myself in a restaurant with the crew and Kwak Dongyeon. Though his casting wasn’t confirmed yet, his acquaintance with the crew drew him to the team dinner. Kwak greeted me and took his seat beside me as if, he never proposed, and I never rejected. His nonchalant behaviour even made me doubt my memory of the confession. To be honest, there was a bit… no, more disappointment, coz, after all that he said, I expected at least a bit of awkwardness.

Dinner slowly inclined towards the verification of the rumours between me and Kwak Dongyeon. While he laughed it away, I sat there feigning an obvious ‘pretence laughter’. When my smiles and laughter at their teasing become too obvious of a pretence, Kwak gave me a look to curtail my expression. While everyone’s consciousness got consumed by alcohol, Kwak who was one among the few sober ones offered to drop me home out of the blue. Instead of thanking him, my half sober mind raised a question, “Do you prefer not to have me here?”

 I still remember the way he rolled his eyes. I’m certain that he declared me ‘drunk’.  “Almost everyone is drunk… Their teasing will be another level… it won’t stop with just a love shot?”, he closed in with a sly smile, “A hug? Or a peck on the cheek? Or on the lips?” We’ll be forced to do everything…”, he cautioned. And my mind became totally awake, but somehow the connection between my brain and my sense organs got broken, so I couldn’t express my acknowledgement. That lack of expression made him continue with his warnings, “I don’t have any problem in that… I’ll be gladdened, while you’ll be obliged! So, what do you say? Do you want to leave now or later?”

“Now! But… I’ll leave with my manager. Thank you for offering the ride thou-” , I said but with a smirk in the corner of his lips, he stopped my words. With an uneasy feeling, I turned to find my manager’s flushed face. And I continued my sentence with, “Thank you for offering the ride, sir!”

“We’ll leave now, just give me a sec”, he said as he got up to fetch his coat.

That time, I seriously considered using a substitute driver though my agency strictly prohibits it. But I shouldn’t let my pride cloud my decisions, so I waited for him while trying my best to make my manager to stand on his own feet, literally.

Gathering my manager’s stance, we bid our goodbyes to the director and staffs at our table and treaded towards the exit. On seeing us leaving together, the staffs gave a sheepish smile while some insisted us to do a love shot, but thankfully with director’s support and Kwak’s quick response, we evaded it.

As Kwak drove the car, with my manager sleeping comfortably in the backseat, I sat in the front seat quietly. The quietness soon turned awkward after dropping my manager off. I was fidgety, but he comfortably the radio and set his eyes on the road. Anxiousness accompanied me and, at every pass of an electric pole, I looked at him in the corner of my eyes to find any trace of uneasiness in him. But found nothing. When he halted the car in front of my house, my muddled mind which kept my mouth shut, let it lose, “Can I ask you something?”

“NO!”, he said promptly.

“Don’t you feel awkward around me?”, I asked, taking his ‘no’ for granted.

“Did you notice I slowed down two blocks away?”

“NO”, I said promptly.

“I wanted to… no… I wanted YOU to spend time with me, so… I even thought of walking down the blocks with you… under the excuse of ‘car breakdown’, but I didn’t do it. Do you think I would even think of that if I felt awkward?”

“But you didn’t do it… does it mean you felt awkward?”

He just shrugged his shoulder and looked into my eyes. That sad and serious gaze and his raspy voice pronounced, “No relationship is worth forsaking our bond…”

That felt more like a warning to himself than a response to my question. But it echoed in me. I just left his car and never said anything, not even a ‘thank you’ or ‘sorry’. His words summarised my behaviour with Taehyung, ‘I have so much things to say and to ask. But, if after revealing everything, our bond breaks, then I would rather stay where I am’.

That night, for the first time since his so-assumed confession at the wrap up party, I texted thanking him for not just dropping me off.

With some weight lifted off from my heart, I went to bed. So, it wasn’t long before sleep shut my mind.

When the day light hit the roof, pictures of Kwak Dongyeon and me leaving the restaurant together hit the top searches in the internet. The article didn’t explicitly mention the word dating, but the comment section showed how the pictures were being comprehended… sure it had the word, ‘Dating’.

Before I even felt the gravity of the situation, I was transported to my agency by my manager and a bodyguard.  I felt stranded inside a room in my agency. With me, sofa, a meeting table, chairs and some food, I felt alone. Like an island, reporters and fans surrounded the building.

I was asked to not attend any call or call anyone. Calls flooded my phone, forcing me to switch it off. At that moment, I was in a dire need of a conversation with my mother. I wanted to tell her that I’m fine and ask her if she is okay. I wanted her not to worry about the rumours and that I miss her. Borrowing one of the staff’s phone, I called my mom and told her everything except the part about missing her.

The bodyguard who was at the door, entered the room to check up on my status. He did nothing but just look around me, and before leaving he handed me his iPod and left.  I don’t know why he did that, and I never gave it much thought at that time and just received it with a bow. I simply wore the earphones and listened to the songs in his playlist. I don’t remember the songs I played but I recognised his voice in a song… Taehyung’s… and let ‘his’ music take over. Still, I remained in a trance, lost in thoughts. But somehow the music began to grow on me, so does the grief. The more I listened to it, the more I was drawn to it (grief).

His songs were like secrets softly blown into ears. The music sure stirred those drops in my eyes. I made me forget my worries and let the time pass me slowly.

The bodyguard gave me updates regularly and he became the only person who conversed with me. He stated that the MV team came to the rescue with the proofs that it was a team dinner. But the bedlam didn’t die out. And I felt inert… didn’t worry about what was happening outside. Somehow, I found the comfort here, in this loneliness.

Sleep has betrayed me at his late hour, and my thoughts travelled far. In that night where sleep did not find me, his song, seemed like ‘he’ sent to comfort me. And I wondered if he did know about my situation and that I sat there listening to him play to ease my mind.

The next morning my manager came in, bringing in a formal attire for me along with some documents. While my puzzled eyes questioned without words, he explained, “We have a press meet in three hours. Get ready Sohyun-ah”.

“Press meet?”

He nodded and tapped on my shoulders saying, “It’s regarding the rumour…”

To the best of my knowledge there had never been a press meet for a dating rumour. “Don’t they usually contact the agency to confirm the dating rumour?”

“I think it’s not just a dating rumour…”, he said hesitantly and handed me a file saying, “Here… These documents have some standard questions that are usually asked by the reporters, and it also has answers prepared by our agency. Regarding the dating rumour, ‘State the truth, only if the truth states there is no relationship between you two’- I reproduced the words of the CEO verbatim”

Soon, I felt the cameras’ blinding flashes. After introducing myself, the first question was raised by the reporter, Mr. Lee who shot those stirring pictures, “I heard you recommended actor Kwak Dongyeon-sshi for the MV?”

“I don’t have the power or the authority to recommend anyone. And the actors starring in the MV are yet to be decided by the directors.”

“Then what’s the purpose of having a meeting, if the actors weren’t decided?”, he shot another question.

Balling my fist under the table, I answered, “I accepted the role offered to me for the MV and was invited for the meeting where the story was discussed and revised.”

“You said actors aren’t decided, then why was Kwak Dongyeon-sshi invited for the dinner”

“Actor Kwak Dongyeon-sshi was one among the actors considered for the role and owing to his close relationship with him-”

He interrupted me asking, “Then, what’s your relationship with Kwak Dongyeon-sshi?”

Camera flashes blinded again…  “I know Kwak Dongyeon-sshi since my childhood. He was a family friend-”

“Are you two dating?”, he intervened again and continued, “Don’t worry Sohyun-sshi, dating scandal among the celebrities is not a big deal nowadays… You can disclose without fear!”

“Dating is a scandal, right?”, I asked him back and said, “If dating is not a big deal, then we won’t be having this conference, right? Anyway, Kwak Dongyeon-sshi is my friend but, please, never add the suffix ‘just’ to the word ‘friend’… Friends are hard to come by in our life… And, ‘Just’ isn’t doing the honours…”

“Friend means?”, he asked again.

“Friend means a friend!”, I answered to which he remained silent expecting me to elaborate the answer. “I’m sorry, were you expecting the definition for the term ‘friend’?”, I said, putting a brave front hiding all my fear and nervousness under my skin.

While the other reporters nodded after giving it a thought, Mr. Lee didn’t want to give in easily, and asked, “I heard you went to Han River with some celebrity few weeks ago… Is that celebrity Kwak Dongyeon-sshi?”

His question left me dumbfounded… but, what gave me palpitations was, a person! The one who stood in the corner among the crowd, with his face fully covered with mask… Kim Taehyung!

Author’s thoughts:

Hello! Hope everything is well and good on your side :) Happy International Women’s Day (March, 8)!!! Let me share with you the quote that caught my heart, ‘Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.’

I’m sorry for the irregular updates… Days are going busy on my side! Thank you for keeping up with the story and thanks a lot for forgiving the typos! I got carried away with the story (*and this taeso ship*), so number of chapters became longer than I planned. Don’t worry, the original layout of this story is being maintained so, the plot won’t be dragged! See you again with the next chapter, till then, take care and have wonderful days :)