***

If someone had told Yunho that one day, for whatever reason, he would pretend to be a fat, jolly old man and let little kids sit on his lap, he would probably have punched them. Unless it was his mother; he liked to think that he would never punch his mother. Or father. Or sister. But if it were anyone else, then yes, he would have socked them in the face.

As it were, he had no one else but himself to punch. That new sound system he’d being salivating and having wet dreams over? Yeah, he was about a thousand won short of being able to call it his. And so, when the flyer advertising the position of a Santa at the newly opened mall flew right into his face one fine Tuesday evening, he knew there was only one choice to make. After all, if that wasn’t a sign of greater things, then what was?

Early that same Saturday morning found him creeping into a dark little backroom at the mall with STAFF ONLY stamped on the door. If anyone asked what he’d been up to that weekend, he’d lie straight through his teeth and say he went on a vacation to Fiji or something. No one at his office could know to what lengths he’d go to purchase that lovely sleek black system with its light up dials and surround sound. Not that there was anything wrong with being a mall Santa of course, Yunho thought to himself; he just had an inordinate amount of pride that would surely be his downfall one day.

But not today.

No, today, he gathered together what little scraps of dignity he had left and wore it like a dirty secret as he snuck through the fairly empty hallways of the mall like a thief. He was a shadow; he was a ghost; he wasn’t Jung Yunho at all.

He kept the hood of his jacket over his head, sneaking furtive glances around even as one of the elves ran him through the day’s agenda — sit, look jolly, say ho-ho-ho, and try not to the children — and then led him over to his Santa costume. The bright red jacket had a small but deeply infused stain of unknown origin on the right sleeve and Yunho prayed to all the deities and the ghosts of Christmas past that it wasn’t a stain from the suit’s previous inhabitant.

Yunho gingerly sank into the costume. The material was itchy and stiff against his skin and the pants were a couple of inches too short, leaving his ankles susceptible to biting by errant children. He stuffed the yellowed pillow into his jacket and tried to look less like he was pregnant and more like a jolly old man with a bag of goodies to lure in the kiddies.

‘You’re a very handsome Santa,’ one of his helpers - Shorty the Happy Elf - said as she looked him up and down, her eyes glinting with that weird animalistic excitement that often made Yunho feel uneasy in the presence of unknown women. She was a pretty girl even in that cheaply made paper-like costume, drooping hat, and pointed ears, and somehow Yunho had a feeling she would much rather go on a different kind of ride in his sleigh than the one they had been tasked with.

‘Thanks but this is strictly business,’ he cleared his throat as he arranged the pillow one last time, giving up on his attempt to not look like he was ready to go into labor. This Santa was obviously carrying twins and Yunho couldn’t give less of a about how he looked to a horde of small children and their exhausted parents. He looked at himself in the mirror, deciding that he was still handsome enough for some lonely cougar to hit on him. ‘I don’t believe in interspecies relationships and you’re clearly an elf while I’m clearly a human. Besides, workplace romance is messy,’ he added and tightened his belt.

She chuckled - Boa was her name if he wasn’t mistaken - and didn’t say anything more. Women flirted with him all the time, even before they saw him dropping his pants. And, if by some magical coincidence they actually did manage to see him drop his pants, they stalked him with such intense ferocity that one would think they were lionesses out on a hunt.

‘Santa, you’re packing,’ the elf chuckled as Yunho adjusted his family jewels and turned away, starting to load his red Santa bag full of small gifts to give out to the kids. Probably, all of them were some cheap sponsor items. Boa seemed nice enough to respect his wish to keep things professional and Yunho was pleased to work with such a sensible elf.

__

The mall was bustling with activity as he stepped outside, his little helpers leading the way to the low platform that had been set up at the centre of the mall lobby. Yunho tugged self-consciously at the hem of his jacket and waddled after the elves. With difficulty, he clambered up the few steps to the platform, the pillow that was in danger of sliding down and dangling like some monstrous foetus, hindering his movements. He narrowly avoided crushing a paper snow bunny with his boot and then he was sitting on a lumpy chair among mountains of cotton and fake snow.  Fake pines, fake presents, fake everything. He looked around at what was essentially his new home for the next twelve hours with a kind of misery that he hoped didn’t show on his face.

Santa’s sleigh was a flimsy cardboard and foam structure, the reindeer — oh, look, there’s Rudolph! — were cardboard cutouts, and there was something in the chair that was poking him rather harshly in the left cheek. He wiggled, grunted, wiggled again, and then resigned himself to his fate.

There were people milling about his temporary habitat already, their phones out and taking pictures, murmuring appreciatively about the glitter sprinkled cotton and badly painted sled. Yunho wondered what he was supposed to do. Should he just sit here and smile? Strike a pose? Ignore them?

An elf politely requested him to say ho-ho-ho. “Oh, no, I couldn’t,” he said. The elf not-so-politely jabbed him in the throat with a candy cane and he ho-ho-hoed in his best Santa impression, feeling himself die a little inside.

Within two minutes, a line started forming at the “gates to the North Pole”, children of all ages clinging to their long-suffering parents and looking at him excitedly like he was something magical. Yunho preened; perhaps this Santa thing wasn’t so bad. Boa dragged a big red sack filled with little chocolates over to him and set it by his chair. He eyed them, biting his lip.

“These are for the kids,” Boa told him, narrowing her eyes knowingly. “No stealing.”

“Of course,” Yunho smiled at her innocently. If he snuck one or two during a break, who would even notice?

And then the gates — which was nothing more than a red ribbon tied to two plastic poles — were opened and the first kid ran up to him eagerly. Yunho liked to think of himself as someone who was good with kids, so it wasn’t too hard for him to pick them up one by one, sit them on his lap and act like a friendly uncle; that was his default setting after all. They told him what they wanted for Christmas, ranging from the usual things like toys and games to stranger things like wishes for their baby sibling to get eaten by a squirrel, and he just nodded and shoved a chocolate bar and a cheap sponsored toy in their hands before letting them go.

Things progressed pretty smoothly for the first few hours and Yunho was feeling quite proud of himself. He’d managed to not make any of the kids cry, and they’ve all been really cute and nice and didn’t ask him weird questions like where do babies come from. There was that one incident where an infant almost threw up on his beard, but luckily the dad was nearby to spirit the baby away before he could get regurgitated formula all over him.

Yunho was given a bathroom break around midday and he smuggled two of the little chocolates from his Santa bag and gobbled it up in secret. He was so hungry; he really shouldn’t have skipped breakfast. At least the Christmas music echoing throughout the mall was loud enough to conceal the sound of his gurgling stomach.

And then came the hell spawns. There were no other words to describe them. So far, the most number of kids he’d had to deal with at once was two, but now there were not three, not four, but five demonic entities haunting his glittering winter wonderland. Yunho wanted to cry. Their dad stood to the side, smiling guiltily while his kids destroyed the setup. The man was beautiful, very beautiful, and if they were in a different situation Yunho would be trying out pick-up lines on him right that moment.

As it were, Yunho eyed him distrustfully, wondering why the man wasn’t doing anything about his unruly kids and how old was he anyway? Not more than 30, surely, so how had he managed to reproduce with such intensity? He must have either started really young, like at the age of fifteen or something, or maybe all of these little demons were from different women. At one point Yunho even let his mind wander into the realm of impossibility: these weren’t children at all and the man had just fished this bunch out of a hellmouth and brought them over to torment his consumeristic soul.

‘I’m truly sorry, they are a bit energetic,’ the dad apologised, managing to sound somewhat sincere, and Yunho gave him a weary smile.

A bit? A bit!?

He was screaming inside but his face remained calm. Yunho was a professional after all. He’d been doing this mall Santa thing for a couple of hours already, he was almost a veteran. The ratty white beard he was wearing may also be helping in hiding his quickly forming frown.

He looked over at where the hell spawns were jumping all over his sleigh and destroying the fake paper gifts. His elves were helpless to prevent the destruction, glancing over at him for advice as they tried to inconspicuously direct the children closer to him. If this was to continue, he’d have to put one after another over his knee and spank them appropriately. And as an extra precaution, he would also put their daddy over his knee and spank him good.

Oh lord no, Yunho bemoaned his destiny as he chased those inappropriate thoughts away. The last thing — the absolute last thing — that he needed was to get a raging while handling small children. Not only would that be shameful, but he would also go to jail. Bye bye his new sound system, bye bye his pride and bright future.

After a couple of more unsuccessful attempts at calming the kids down, they seemed to come down from their euphoria all on their own. The sleigh was almost destroyed, a reindeer was missing its antlers, and his elf helpers looked ready to kill.

Finally, the nightmare seemed to draw to an end.

Before they left however, the little monsters grabbed more chocolates than they were allowed, snatching double handfuls and stuffing them in their pockets while Yunho watched them helplessly. Well, joke’s on them, the chocolates weren’t even that good.

__

It was eight in the evening when the final kid leaped off his lap with a big grin, excitedly yapping to his mother that Santa promised to get him the new iPhone. The mother threw him a betrayed glare over her shoulder before dragging the kid away. Yunho stood up, feeling all his bones creak like the branches of an old tree. His left cheek hurt and he was sure that the pokey thing in the chair stuffing had left a permanent dent. He might be able to pass it off as a dimple, perhaps. Dimples were cute, right? Especially dimples?

“Good job, Santa,” Boa said, patting him on the shoulder in a very y way. Yunho squirmed. “Let’s get these clothes off of you, shall we?” She left him with a wink and pranced back to the staff room with her other elf friends giggling audibly. Yunho was left to lug the empty sack back alone.

Somehow, he managed to convince them that he was in no way interested in hanging out with any one of them today (or ever) and his entire elf harem collectively decided that he was more of a grinch than a real Santa. Too bad it had taken them this long to realise it.

Tired, Yunho collected his hard earned money and dragged his broken and abused body out of the mall. Without a second thought, this had been the worst day of his life. He loved children, he truly did, but maybe he would just stick to making his own from now on.

As he walked down the street, hood up and bundled in his scarf, his mind lingered on the pretty guy with five children that had given him a run for his money. He wondered what it would be like to have those five children together with him.

Well, not those children because they were all misbehaving monsters, but a different set of children — his own small, well behaved angels.

Life would be grand.

They would spend time with the children like any other family, teaching and educating them properly like one should. But during the holidays Yunho would send them to his mother while he spent some quality time with the beautiful man.

He would give his beauty a in a box every year for Christmas and watch the disappointment in his eyes. Of course he would also buy him a real gift, like a ring (but not Cartier because who could afford those things). Having such a harmonious life with the pretty man would be a blessing.

Well, but dreams were dreams and reality was reality, and Yunho could forget about the dad of five because they would definitely never meet again. He was a married man and Yunho was as gay as they could get. There was no way that he would ever—

Huh.

He stopped dead right outside a fancy little restaurant and squinted, leaning forward to peer inside. His beauty — now children free and in an expensive looking suit — was sitting at a remote table with a tall, handsome man.

That looked like a romantic dinner. Candle light and rose in a vase and all.

Weird.

Yunho stayed frozen in place because how could this even be? How come not even once had the thought that the man was just babysitting crossed his mind?

Interesting.

The longer Yunho stared, the more and more people passed him by, giving him weird looks and muttering something about blocking the way.  Not that he cared. He’d just finished a long, tiring shift as a mall Santa, so they should cut him some slack. He could stare as long as he wanted.

That is, until his beauty turned and their eyes met. Yunho could swear he saw desperation radiating from the man's expressive eyes.

He was most likely imagining things because surely the man did not recognise him without his red suit and his fake wig that felt like it had been made using dead rat fur.  

And yet, they both stared at each other until Yunho turned away and walked back to the mall with determination.

—

‘Ho Ho Ho, I’m Santa,’ he introduced himself to the two men sitting at the table, one looking at him in surprise while the other seemed relieved about the interruption. ‘I’m here to reward good children with small gifts and bad ones with coal,’ he laughed, holding onto his sinking belt.

This was either a of genius or madness. There was a thin line between the two and it was too late to back down now anyway. The other patrons were looking his way in a mixture of confusion and anticipation. Did they expect him to hand out gifts or something? If so, they’d be sorely disappointed.

‘Did you know that adults are just grown up children who deserve presents as well?’ he said, in a thunderous jolly voice, and could see his beauty cringe. What? Had he never heard Santa speak? He should take notes because Yunho was nailing it.

Not that any of this mattered. He had already embarrassed himself enough and there was nothing he could lose.

‘What the hell, man,’ the date groaned and looked around, no doubt planning to alert the management of his rude behaviour. His beauty waved him off with a smile, his eyes sparkling in excitement.

‘It’s alright, Yihan, it’s Christmas Eve after all. Let Santa show us what he’s prepared for us this year.’

Yunho grinned, his smile partially covered by the ratty beard and the equally dubious moustache, amused that the other was playing along. Begrudgingly, his beauty’s date agreed and turned towards him, even though he did not look particularly amused by the situation.

Once the two men were staring at him expectantly, Yunho realised that it was his time to shine.

‘Ho Ho Ho, let’s take a look,’ he boomed in a voice that startled even his own self as he reached into the empty sack he knew held no more toys or candies. As he frantically tried to think of what to do, he happened upon something sharp that he grabbed and pulled out, feeling stupefied as he stared at the bunch of sticks in his hand.

How had they managed to get in there?

Unsure, he turned to his beauty’s date who looked equally surprised, and shoved the sticks in his hands.

‘Seems like you have been a really bad boy this year,’ he said as he shook his head in disappointment. ‘One of my elves told me you’ve been meeting a lot of people lately and not keeping your promises to them.’

At this point he had absolutely no idea where all of this was coming from but neither did the date. The poor chap looked as surprised as Yunho felt, so he decided to continue.

‘I’m sorry but this year all you’re getting is sticks. For the coming year, young mister, you need to rethink your behaviour and stop fooling around like this. Who knows what you might get next year if you continue this way.’

The shock on the guy’s face seemed genuine enough to scare Yunho into thinking that he may be led outside in the company of a security guard. Was this worth the risk of spending Christmas in jail? Had he gone a step too far?

‘This is absurd,’ the guy muttered instead, growing red in the face. He stood up so fast that his chair fell down with a loud clattering noise. Without an explanation, he threw the bundle on the table, cursed rudely at both of them,  and rushed away.

They both stared after him in confusion, his beauty’s eyes wide with surprise and mouth half open. He himself wasn’t faring much better, his mind rushing at thousand miles per hour.

‘What the hell was that?’

‘I have no idea.’

Yunho turned back around when the pretty man with the demon kids tugged on the matted cuff of his costume. ‘Hey, Santa, can I buy you a coffee or something?’

Yunho squinted down at him silently. So was he cheating on a wife with a douchebag, or were the kids really not his?

He must have stared for too long because the man squirmed and let go of his sleeve. ‘Um. I just feel like I owe you. I’ve been such a bother to you today with this—’ he gestured vaguely around the restaurant where people were still watching them curiously, ‘—and my sisters’ kids earlier. Please let me get you a coffee. There’s this really neat cafe with the best cheesecake just around the corner.’ He turned imploring eyes on Yunho and who was he to say no.

‘Sure,’ he said, shrugging like he didn’t care either way but oh he did, he cared very much.

The man’s eyes lit up, his smile revealing big white teeth and a dimple. Yunho grabbed the bundle of sticks off the table and stuffed it back into his sack while the other man quickly paid for the two fancy half-finished dinners — the guy fled without even paying for his meal, how rude! — and then the two of them were walking side by side along the heavily decorated street.

The man was only a little shorter than him, Yunho noticed. Made for easier kissing. He could just imagine pushing the man up against a wall while the demon kids — not his kids after all, hooray! — wreaked havoc around them, and he’d lean in close and kiss those full lips till they resembled crushed rose petals. He’d hang mistletoe over every doorway, heck he’d wear a mistletoe crown just so he could use it as an excuse to kiss him. And once the kids were gone he would let this beautiful man unwrap his —

‘My name’s Jaejoong by the way,’ his beauty turned to him and smiled awkwardly. What a pretty name. ‘What’s yours?’

‘Yunho, I’m Yunho. People call me... Yunho.’

Jaejoong nodded, still smiling thank god and not calling the police. ‘You make a nice Santa. I’m really sorry about the kids, by the way. They’re usually nice but they’ve been binging on candy all day so…” He shrugged with a helpless smile.

‘Yeah, no, that’s fine. I get like that too when I have too much sugar. Well not exactly like that, but uhh kind of crazy, you know?’ He shot Jaejoong a quick glance and the man nodded to say he knew. ‘But not like axe murderer crazy, just harmless crazy. Heh.’

Jaejoong laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. ‘You’re very entertaining, Yunho.’

‘Entertaining,’ Yunho said, furrowing his brow. Was that a good thing? A Shakespearean play was entertaining but so was a dancing monkey.

‘I mean that in the best way possible.’

Oh, alright then.

Jaejoong stopped in front of a small cafe and opened the door for him. The delicious smell of coffee and fresh bread wafted right into his nostrils and he breathed in deep. His stomach started rumbling again, extra loud just to be a , and he winced, petting the pillow lodged in his jacket as if it would help to settle his complaining bowels. He hoped Jaejoong didn’t hear that.

‘You must be starving!’ Jaejoong said, coming up beside him and looking at the cream filled pastries and cakes and savoury treats lined up inside the display case. ‘Please choose anything you want; my treat.’

Feeling a little self conscious, Yunho picked a sausage roll and a turkey sandwich, along with a tall glass of chocolate milk. He hoped it wasn’t too much, but he really was hungry. He’d managed to peck at Boa’s home made meal during the lunch break but it wasn’t enough. Someone should’ve told him to bring his own lunch.

Jaejoong ordered a coffee and two slices of the cheesecake he’d told Yunho about. Then they sat at a small table by the window, looking out at the steady back and forth stream of shoppers. Yunho practically inhaled his food and, while he was sipping happily at his warm chocolate milk and feeling a little sleepy, Jaejoong slid one of the cheesecake slices over to him.

‘I wasn’t kidding,’ he said. ‘They really do have the best cheesecake.’

‘Well, we’ll see about that, won’t we?’ Yunho said with a grin. He forked a bit of the cake into his mouth and chewed contemplatively.

‘You got a little whipped cream on your moustache,’ Jaejoong said, his eyes glittering in amusement.

And before Yunho could remember that he didn’t actually have a moustache, his tongue was swiping over the scraggy, perhaps-dead-rat-fur of the fake Santa beard. He gagged and hoped he didn’t fall ill and die tonight from whatever diseases he might’ve contracted. He’d only just met this lovely man sitting and smiling before him, and wouldn’t it be a shame if he died before they’d managed to even kiss?

‘Well? How is it?’ Jaejoong asked, looking at him like an eager child.

Yunho cleared his throat and tugged the beard off, not caring if he traumatised some little children; they needed to learn sooner or later that Santa wasn’t real. Without the stuffy beard his face suddenly felt bare and the cold air of the cafe enveloped his jaw like a lover's caress.

‘It’s not bad,’ Yunho said, taking another bite of the cake.

‘Huh?’ Jaejoong asked. He sounded a little breathy and Yunho looked up in concern to find him gazing at him dreamily. Yunho smirked, suddenly feeling in his element. Oh yeah, he was hot and he knew it and now Jaejoong knew it too. He couldn’t believe he’d almost left his stupid beard on the whole time.  

Yunho sat up a little straighter, his pillow pressed up against the underside of the table, and presented his newly unveiled face to Jaejoong for better viewing.

‘The cheesecake. It’s not bad,’ he elaborated, turning his head slightly so that Jaejoong could get a good look at his chiselled jawline.

The other man seemed to snap out of his little trance and blushed. ‘Oh really? You don’t sound too convinced.’

Yunho shrugged. ‘I’ve tasted better.’ Now that he obviously had this lovely creature’s attention, he was feeling more confident, more like his usual self instead of the blithering idiot he was at the beginning of their encounter. ‘If you want, I could show you what the real best cheesecake tastes like.’

‘Sure, I’d like that.’ Jaejoong chuckled, his smile sweet and eyes sweeter.

‘How does Monday sound? Say, lunchtime?’

Jaejoong nodded agreeably. ‘That works for me.’

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you score a date with someone you want to gift your to.

/6 years later/

If someone had told Yunho that one day, for whatever reason, he would willingly pretend to be a fat, jolly old man and let little kids sit on his lap, he would probably have punched them. Unless it was his mother; he liked to think that he would never punch his mother. Or father. Or sister. Or husband. He would definitely not hit his husband for whatever reason in this life. Spanking was a different kind of an experience, especially in an intimate setting. Or their kids. Yunho would never touch a hair on their precious heads. But if it were anyone else, then yes, he would have socked them in the face.

‘Yun, you look good!’ Jaejoong exclaimed excitedly as he came into the room just as Yunho was observing his own reflection in the mirror. The suit was nice and clean, the beard was made from quality material and didn’t itch, and the padding around his stomach made him look fat, not pregnant.

‘Ah, memories,’ his beautiful husband sighed as he let his eyes roam over Yunho’s less than elegant form. ‘I still remember exactly how you asked me out that one Christmas Eve. So weird yet so romantic.’

‘Not weird at all,’ Yunho groaned as he pulled the other man close — the padding was slightly bothersome as it made his back arch weirdly when he reached for Jaejoong’s lips — and planted a wet one on his face. ‘Santa is going to give it real good to his pretty husband tonight.’

‘Yunho.’ Jaejoong's expression turned from delighted to don’t-you-ing-dare-give-me-a--in-a-box-again-this-year, an expression that they both were too familiar with, and Yunho hohoed his way out of the awkward situation.

‘Fine fine,’ Jaejoong sighed and patted the other’s cheek. ‘Your costume will get all crumpled up if we don’t stop now.’

Yunho shrugged and grabbed the hem of his husband’s ugly sweater, lifting it up eagerly. Jaejoong moaned when Yunho’s fingers slid underneath the yarn monster, playing with one of his perked s. He loved to tease the little nubs that seemed to live in a constant state of arousal.

‘Why though?’ he’d asked Jaejoong one day to which his husband had shrugged and answered nonchalantly:

‘They seem to have a mind of their own.’

‘Oh lord please stop or you’re going to massacre any Christmas feelings I’ve still got left.’ Jaejoong let out a lewd enough sound to make Yunho so painfully hard in his underwear he was ready to shoot, which gave him a clue that he really needed to stop. He would be handling young children again, his children, and a raging was out of the question.

‘Okay okay. Sorry,’ Yunho groaned as he removed his hands from his husband’s chest, giving him one more quick kiss before pulling away. ‘Let’s give Chami a Christmas he will never forget.’

‘That sounds ominous,’ Jaejoong muttered as he tried smoothing out the wrinkles in Yunho’s costume. ‘I think Chami is already sceptical about the existence of Santa Claus, not like SuSu who seems completely clueless. Micky suspect something for sure but he won’t say a word so you don’t have to worry about him.’

‘Right,’ Yunho nodded and arranged his beard, sighing heavily when he thought about their youngest. They had adopted him only a couple of months ago, barely three years old, but the little munchkin had been acting like a young adult all this time. He was too serious and organised for his own good and Yunho would have to work hard to convince him that Christmas miracles were real.

‘Well then, time to work some magic,’ he grinned as he threw the sack of goodies over his shoulder and proudly marched out into the living room.

Maybe being Santa for Christmas wasn’t what he had imagined himself doing on the regular but turned out it wasn’t all that bad. Despite the bothersome beard, the uncomfortable padding and the embarrassing outfit, when he saw the happiness in his children's eyes, he knew that it was all worth it.

***

End

a/n: I hope you enjoyed the story that we co-wrote! Please leave a comment telling us what you think and have a peaceful holiday ❤️