You’d think that being in the field long enough, seeing death as many times, and smelling gun smoke every day would desensitize you from truly horrific moments that would devastate a normal person.

You’d think that by now, you were prepared to handle anything your job threw at you.

If that’s what you thought, too bad.

Because nothing can prepare you for when a loved one goes down.

You can't prep yourself for heartbreak. 

It just happens. 

When the officers burst into the warehouse guns drawn, Ayeon’s hands went automatically up but her eyes were locked overhead where Jaehyun’s body was laying. She couldn’t hear anything the officers were yelling.

She could, instead, hear the high-pitched scream in her ears as everything around her zeroed out. She felt herself being pushed aside so that the officers could pick up Daemin from under her feet.

It was strange they went straight at him when she was the one that was accused of murder, but she was too distracted to care.

“It was her! She kidnapped me!” Daemin yelled, tears streaming down his face. “She tried to frame me! Please help!”

One of the officers leaned close to him and tilted his head, “Frame you for what, exactly?”

“For all of the things she’s being charged with.” He pleaded, his voice shaking like that of a frantic innocent bystander. It made sense why he managed to go so long undetected. He looked like the kind of guy who would spill soup on himself and apologize.

He was like those cute looking animals whose venom was deadly but you wouldn’t know until it was too late and fatally coursing through your veins.

“Oh, you mean the murder of Kyung Gyu? No problem, we found a stash of her bullets in your house, and the drugs. What else did we find, Jeno?”

Another man stepped up and held up a stack of pictures, “Good question, Jaemin, we also have proof you killed Jung Haerin and the Jane Doe you hit with your car. Oh, and we know you killed Lucas too. And trust me, the list goes on and on with the crap we have on you.”

Daemin’s eyes widened, “Ho—”

“You messed with Internal Affairs. You took out one of our own and payback’s a .” Jeno hissed before pulling out handcuffs.

Daemin’s face changed instantly from a scared, harmless victim into a murderous glare and a ferocious growl, “Those charges won’t stick.”

Jaemin lifted a brow at the switch, “Why? Because of your dad? Don’t worry, we got him and a laundry list of other officers in custody as we speak.”

Jeno grinned and shoved him towards the police car, “See? It’s a .”

Jaemin turned to Ayeon and stepped towards her with good news on his lips but in a second, she took off running, nearly plowing him over as she ran up the stairs behind the paramedics to where Jaehyun was.

“Oh my god.” She whispered, her hands trembling as she stared at the red pouring out of him.  His eyes were closed, and his breathing was so laboured that she could feel the pain in her own lungs. “Why is this happening?”

His skin was draining of colour and he was motionless. She wanted to grab him by the arms and shake him awake because as long as she’s known him, he’d always been full of life, colour and love. And that’s how he should always be.

Jinah looked up at her, tears down her face as the EMTs took over, “He wanted to hurt you and he took out the one thing you loved to do it.” 

Ayeon felt her vision blur and the urge to pass out increase, anything to eject her from this moment and this feeling in her stomach. This feeling of impending loss. Instead, she watched the paramedics lifted him onto a stretcher and take him down to the ambulance.

“Well, it ing worked.”

-----

Ayeon wondered if there would ever be a time when she would step foot in a hospital with a feeling other than devastation.

“You’re going to have a full body cramp, at this rate.”

She opened her eyes and stared up at the doctor, squinting to read his name, Xiaojun. “That’s not a real medical condition.”

He smiled and gripped his clipboard, “No, it’s not, but it’ll probably still hurt.”

She was curled up on the hard plastic chair outside the operating room, Jinah, Soya, Mina, Taeil, Taeyong and every other one of Jaehyun’s friends had spent hours waiting before they went home to sleep and get changed. Some were on flights from whatever country they were in just to see him.

The sentiment would warm her if the fear inside her didn’t ice her over with numbness, “Please tell me he’s going to be okay.”

He smiled at her, “He’s fine. In a little pain but the bullet was successfully removed, it was shot in his shoulder, nothing major was hit.”

It was like a tight knot had come undone in her chest, “Okay. Okay, good. This is good. No buts, right?”

“No buts.” He said with a smile.

Her heart was going to explode, and she was glad she was in a hospital for when it happens. “Then, can I go see him?”

“Of course.” He said gently.

She stood up so fast that she nearly tripped over her chair before she followed the doctor down the hall and into a small room where Jaehyun was resting, his arm elevated in a sling.

Xiaojun poked his head inside the room, “You have a visitor.”

Jaehyun looked up from his arm and smiled when he saw Ayeon lingering by the door, “Hi, detective.”

Xiaojun slipped out the door, closing it behind him to leave the two of them alone. Ayeon closed her eyes and shook her head, “God, there was so much blood.”

“Come closer.” He murmured.

She hesitated a second before walking to him, undecided as she kept her gaze on his arm. It was bandaged and plastered from his shoulder to his wrist. He raised his brows when he noticed something in her arms, “What’s that?”

“I was in the gift shop. These are…these are yellow roses, according to the little label, they stand for ‘get well soon,’ and I thought it was fitting.” She said while setting the pot down on his little table.

He smiled, almost sadly, “Also stands for friendship.”

“Oh. Well, I guess it’s really fitting.” She said wryly.

His laugh turned into a wince when his shoulder stung in pain. She frowned and touched the bandage lightly, “Look at you.”

“You’re not really looking at me.” Jaehyun mused.

She huffed and raised her head to meet his eyes. Her heart stumbled when she locked into his gaze, warm, melted and b with something they promised not to touch for a while. “You know I have an issue with men who have told me they love me getting shot in that building.”

His smile was sad as he watched her, if he could spend 48 hours just staring at her, he would swear he’d be completely healed. That was the effect she had, “I’m sorry, detective. I didn’t think he’d see me sneak in.”

“Don’t apologize but why did you come to the drug house at all?” She asked, exasperated. 

His tone was simple like he was telling her an honest truth, “Because I realized he was trying to kill you. If you feel crappy now, imagine how devastated I would be if something worse happened to you.”

“This isn’t a competition.” She huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. 

He shrugged awkwardly with the cast and sling, "You're right, but I'll never not run towards you when you're in danger." 

"Jaehyun..." She complained weakly.

He just grinned, "Did you get the pictures?"

"God, you're so persistent. Yes. I got them." She grumbled; a fit of gentle anger flickering in her eyes. He was shot, he should be focusing on the pain, not the case.

His grin turned into a full-fledged beam. He had never been shot before, even when he was on duty and it hurt with a type of white-hot searing pain he never thought was possible. But she was in front of him and both of them were alive. Nothing else mattered,  “Pretty.”

“I was so scared.” She whispered, squeezing his hand, “I didn’t even know you were in there; I shouldn’t have let him get the gun. You were just laying there, you looked lifeless. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought you could’ve died. I wished he shot me ins—”

“Ayeon.” He said slowly, his words weighed down with painkillers. “Let me say one thing that a friend would normally never say.”

“Anything.” She said quickly, “Say anything, I don’t care. Just tell me.”

“I’m going to be okay, my love.”

She let out a stunned breath before tears slipped down her cheeks, his voice was music to her ears, the first bloom in spring and coming home to someone who would take a bullet for you and smile right after. He grinned, scrunching his face up, “You’ve been crying a lot lately.”

She kept her fists in a tight ball, “Jaehyun, you don’t know what it was like watching our friends try to save you. It was like…it was like—”

“I’m alive. Everything is okay.” He reassured.

He shifted over to give her space to sit on the edge of his bed, “They arrested him and his dad. Mina and Johnny brought those pictures she had with her. They’re re-opening Haerin, Lucas and Kyung Gyu’s case and that hit and run.”

“Wha—how long was I in surgery for?” He said, stunned.

She sighed and longed to touch him, to mundanely believe that her fingers could soothe his pain, “Not long. IA took the case over. Lucas has some very pissed off friends.”

“It’s all done? They’re really gone.” He asked while staring up at the ceiling. It felt odd, having something she and him had built up for so long just be over.

She fiddled with the blanket that was draped over his legs, “Yeah, all done.”

“And your charges?” He asked.

She snorted, “Is that really the most important thing right now?”

He gave her a hard look, “To me? It’s in the top 2.”

“They’ve been dropped.” She said softly.

He smiled, rubbing his thumb in small circles on her hand, “Good.”

“We’re good.” She whispered.

He nodded, “We are.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt.” Xiaojun said apologetically, “Visiting hours are over but you’re free to see him tomorrow.”

Ayeon stood, wiping her tears before touching his cheek, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Don’t bring everyone with you, they were so loud I swear I heard them through the anesthetic.” He muttered.

She laughed and it felt like a weight lifted, “You’re just going to get me and only me.”

“Perfect.” He whispered, squeezing her hand before letting her leave.

Xioajun waited for her to be down the hall before facing him, “She was out there all morning.”

“Really?”

He nodded while reviewing his charts, “Girlfriend?”

“Ex.” He said with a smile.

Xiaojun raised his brows, “Man, I don’t think my exes would spend all night outside my operating room if you paid them. In fact, I’m sure one of them would be the reason why I was in the operating room in the first place.”

Jaehyun laughed, wincing a little when sharpness stung his shoulder. “I got lucky.”

“Yeah well, share some of that luck with the rest of us man.” He scribbled on Jaehyun’s chart before hanging it by the foot of his bed, “Is there anything I do for you? Anything you need?”

Jaehyun was about to turn down the offer when an idea crossed his mind, “Hey, can you walk me to the library?”

-----

“I’m five minutes from closing, Detective Yoo.” Taeyong whined when she strolled into his restaurant smelling like a hospital, out of place standing amongst rich golds and reds.

“Make an exception?” She asked as she made her way to the glamorous bar with flattering lighting and expensive booze stocked high.

Taeyong sighed and followed her, grabbing a bottle of gin and two glasses before sitting next to her. “I always thought your first time here would be on a date with Jaehyun.”

She watched him pour two glasses and hand one off to her. She took a sip and winced, she didn’t like gin, it tasted too much like pine and Christmas, “I feel like I’m constantly putting him through something painful.”

Taeyong paused mid-sip before glancing at her, “Wow, okay. That was unexpected.”

“But I want to be with him so badly and not being with him or the thought of him with someone else completely derails me. Being in that hospital room with him and having to pretend that we’re just friends was like torture.” She said while taking another sip.

He turned to face her, “It was your idea, though.”

“I know. And I still believe in my rationale, I just don’t have the best self-restraint to follow through.” She admitted.

Taeyong laughed, “Yeah, he definitely needs a girlfriend with no self-restraint.”

She ran her fingers through hair with a smile, leaning on her palm, “I just don’t know what to do. I know that space is the right thing to do.”

“But it’s not what you want to do.” He finished.

She nodded, “Especially after what happened.”

“Then do what you want to do, it’s really not that complicated. You both deserve to be selfish. The devil is dead, you can start again.” Taeyong said.

She looked at him curiously, “You don’t resent me for it?”

“Ayeon, I want to get a statue of you built for it.” He finished off his drink and took her glass from her before she could finish hers, “Now stop overthinking, enough with the angsty moping around and go have in a hospital.”

-----

Waking up was starting to hurt more and more.

He opened his eyes and blinked at the ceiling, trying to adjust his vision until the blurry lines sharpened. He took a few heaving coughs before he heard someone shifting in the chair was usually set across from his bed. He reached over and pressed the button on his bed that lifted him up so that he was sitting up.

He stared at the man seated across from him, he was wearing a sling on his left arm and was looking at a leafy potted plant set on the windowsill that wasn’t there when he went to sleep. Clearly, he wasn’t a nurse.

“Who ar—”

“Did you know that in Greek mythology the laurel tree was named after Daphne, the daughter of the river god Penaeus. She was this extraordinarily talented and dedicated huntress who was loyal to the goddess Artemis and, like her, refused to marry. She rejected everyone, even the most powerful men like Apollo. But Apollo, you see, was persistent, and even after she said no, he pursued her through the forest, Daphne was so afraid that she prayed to her father to help her, so he turned her into a Laurel tree. Apollo cut off some branches to make himself a wreath to remember her beauty by, even though the only reason she became that tree, the only reason the world was deprived of her hunting skills was because she wanted to get away from him.”

“Am I Penaeus?” He rasped, a glint in his eye.

Jaehyun smiled and turned to face him, “Apollo, actually.”

He swallowed dryly and glowered at him, “Who are you?”

“Me? I’m a fan. By the way, I was in the library earlier and got a chance to read some of your work, and it was eye opening and frankly, a little unexpected.“ Jaehyun said.

He chuckled in raspy gasps, “I get that a lot.”

Jaehyun smiled, pleasant and sweet before standing, holding two books in his hand, one bound in leather and one spiralbound transcript. He walked over to him and dropped the leather covered one on his lap, “I personally loved Memoir of Modernity. It was really good.”

He lifted a shaking hand to pick up the book with a condescending snort, “Good. What an unintelligent word.”

Jaehyun smiled slightly, “It was really, really, really good. So good in fact that it reminded me of something else I read.”

He dropped the printed manuscript on his lap and watch him scan the title with his eyes. Memories of a Modern Age.

“Did you know that the library here was donated by a professor at the university you teach at. He loves his job so much that he insisted that the library create a small area for budding students to display their thesis work. I stumbled upon that one. Check the date.” Jaehyun said, charming smile unmoved.

The man said nothing and just flipped through the transcript, so, Jaehyun continued, “Who would’ve thought that a man who wore his intelligence like a badge was actually a plagiarizer. And of one of your own students no less. Your intellect is a farce, you’re just a cheater. A liar. You built your success on the back of an undergrad.” 

“You said you were a fan.” He hissed.

Jaehyun feigned shock, “Oh. Sorry, I should’ve been more clear. I’m a fan of your daughter. The detective. I’m quite a big fan to be honest. And I’m just trying to understand how a woman of her caliber shares half your DNA.”

“What do you want? Money?” He muttered, pushing the transcript away.

“I don’t want a single thing. I’