His lips hitched and if blood wasn’t gushing out of the side of his face, she imagined it was a smile and the thought of that made the sickness move up faster. His fingers twitched, his lips formed words, and tears filled her eyes as she kept shaking him in the foolish hope that it would revive him.

“I love you.”

His eyes shifted over her shoulder and she saw them widen but had no time to react when a bullet pierced through her shoulder, sending her to the ground with a scream of agony lodged in . Her breathing was short and desperate as she tried to navigate through the pain, but her eyes stayed on Lucas as he smiled at her, his lips moving again, repeating what he had said earlier.

“I…love…you.”

It was a nightmare.

“How—How could he do that? How could he waste his last breath saying something like that to me?” Ayeon asked desperately.

Dr. Lee didn’t know where pain ended with Ayeon, if it ever will, “Ayeon…was he the only man who ever said those words to you?”

“Yes.” Ayeon whimpered as she dropped to the floor. “And he died.”

Dr. Lee sighed, standing before crouching down next to Ayeon, “He didn’t die because he loved you.”

“He wouldn’t have come along with me if he didn’t love me.” She muttered.

Dr. Lee gently put an arm around her, “Or, he was just being a good detective, and good detectives know that going out alone without backup is not protocol.”

“What if he died for me?” She gasped.

She tilted her head, “We’ll never know the answer those kinds of questions, Ayeon.”

“He barely even knew me. How could he say he loved me?” She muttered.

She smiled, “Because you are someone worthy of love.”

Ayeon just stared at the carpet in a daze, “Even on your deathbed?”

“You said that the man you’re seeing said it too. Did he?” She diverted.

“He’s my boyfriend now.” Ayeon muttered, “My— my ing boyfriend told me he loved me.”

Dr. Lee was silent, adjusting her glasses before speaking, “You think he’s going to die for you because he said he loves you.”

“Love is a strong emotion. One I can’t control or what people in love would want to do.” Ayeon said.

Dr.Lee shook her head, “Then don’t control it, Ayeon. Let yourself be loved.”

“No, you don’t understand. My dad loved my mom more than she did and he abused her. Lucas loved me more than I did, and he died. What if Jaehyun loves me more than I love him and something bad happens?”

“You just said you love him.” Dr. Lee said pointing at her.

Ayeon froze and she stared at Dr. Lee in shock, “I—I don’t know if this is love, if what I feel is love. But I think I’m going down that road and I’m panicking.”

“So, you just admitted out loud for the first time that you might love him, how do you know if it’s more or less? Love isn’t measured on a balance scale, love just exists. It’s not transactional.”

“What if I’m the problem?” She whispered out.

She reached out to touch her, “You’re not a problem. Love is a terrifying thing at every stage. At first, it’s terrifying because you don’t know if it’s mutual, but once you know, it’s terrifying that so much of your happiness and satisfaction is reliant on this one person that could disappear for various reasons. Your reason is death, but everyone you love isn’t going to leave you.”  

“They won’t leave me.”

“No, they won’t and they won’t mistreat you either. You’ve built something important and mutual with this man, he will respect what you need and want and be there for you throughout it.” Dr. Lee said.

Ayeon nodded her head, “I need this to get better because I want to be in a place to say it back.”

“It will. Because love is scary but it’s also so beautiful, to share your life with someone and to give and receive so much care. What happened to Lucas will not be forgotten and his words can’t be taken back, but love isn’t death, it’s trust.”

-----

His heart wasn’t broken, but it felt stalled. Like the beats were on pause.

Jaehyun didn’t expect her to say that she loved him but seeing her run away with fear in her eyes crushed him. He never wanted to be someone that she ran from. He always wanted to be the person she ran towards. He didn’t regret telling her how he felt but he regretted not thinking more about how it would make her feel. How it would scare her.

.

Frustrated with himself, he left his shop, Haerin’s film roll tightly in his hand until he stood in front of a small photography studio, one that still worked with film.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

He looked up, his eyes skimming over the cashier’s name tag Sicheng. “Hi, I need these developed, as soon as possible.”

Sicheng pushed his glasses up and lifted the tube inspecting it carefully, “Huh, they don’t really make these nowadays.”

“Can you still do it?” Jaehyun asked.

“Yeah, but it might take some time, I need to order some specific chemicals to develop these. The ones we use now would just burn straight through it.”

He nodded, “Do whatever you need to. I’ll pay for it. Just call me as soon as you’re done.”

Jaehyun knew that the second he held the pictures in his hands that he wouldn’t be able to open and look at them, but he needed to know he had them in his hands.

Sicheng nodded and did a little salute that Jaehyun would’ve found charming if it was any other day, “You got it.”

“Thanks.” Jaehyun muttered before walking away.

-----

Ayeon had wandered around the city in a daze, trying to sort her thoughts until she ended up back at the precinct, long after everyone had left. She was pretty sure that the destination she wanted was Jaehyun’s shop but before she could get close enough, she freaked out and detoured.

Sitting by her desk, she glanced at COCKTEASE and felt something rise in her, grabbing a marker off her desk, she fisted it and scribbled over the word until it was just a black square. Even when the words were hidden, she kept stabbing the marker on it until it ran out of ink. She whipped it across the room and ran her fingers through her hair. Ayeon spun in her chair, staring at the ceiling until she used her heel to stop herself.

Her gaze landed on Lucas’s desk and felt overwhelmed with emotion, remembering him sitting there and the few times she’d look over, he’d look away, pretending that he hadn’t been watching her. Standing, she walked over to his desk and slowly sat down. She looked at the flowers and trinkets spread out in front of her and lifted a small bear.

A small smile crept up her lips when she thumbed over the sun that was stitched onto its stomach. He was a sun. Shining, bright, warm. That was him. Setting the bear back down, her hand brushed his mouse and suddenly his computer came to life. She flinched when the screen blinded her gaze and blinked a few times.

Password

She stared at the screen, realizing that no one had wiped his computer yet or deactivated his account. She couldn’t explain what compelled her to try typing something in.

Lucas Huang

INCORRECT

Wong Yuk Hei

INCORRECT

Huang Xu—

“He’s a cop, he wouldn’t just use his name.” She muttered to herself before moving her fingers faster than her conscious could tell her to stop.

Sunshine

INCORRECT

LifeIsFleeting

INCORRECT

Her fingers shook as she typed in another password, one she prayed was would be wrong.

YooAyeon

INCORRECT

Letting out a breath of relief, she decided she had enough and doing this was insane but before she could fully turn away, one last attempt crossed her mind. Turning back to the computer, she posed her fingers.

ILoveYou

WELCOME HUANG LUCAS

“Oh my god.” She whispered as his screen loaded.

She stared at his desktop; files organized by name. Her mind was racing as she tried to take all of it in at once. She didn’t know what she wanted from his computer she had just wanted to see if she could get in. She looked up from his desk and stared at where she would normally be seated. He had a perfect view of her.

He would type I Love You into his computer every time he’d have to log on and she’d be in his peripheral.

Looking back at his computer, she clicked on one of the files and frowned when it was password protected. She tried a few but none worked. She went to click on another file and another and another, but they were all passworded.

It wasn’t until she clicked a file labeled LKG that she understood why all his other files were protected. There were pictures and pictures of a police officer shaking hands with different known and wanted criminals, in one, a paper bag was exchanged. Her eyes widened as she clicked through each one, all the photos looked like they were taken across the street or hiding behind a wall.

She squinted at one picture where the officer’s face was the clearest, he looked fam—

LKG

Lee Kyung Gyu

She took a sharp breath and leaned closer to the screen, looking over each picture. Lucas was following Kyung Gyu who meeting up with known criminals, exchanging money and pleasantries. He was a dirty cop and Lucas knew about it.

The pictures were timestamped from months and months before Lucas was killed. She leaned back in his chair in thought. It didn’t make sense, these images gave a motive to kill Lucas, not her. If Kyung Gyu killed, or help kill, Lucas for the sake of these images, how would they have known he was with her that night? And was the cover-up Lucas and Haerin? Or did he kill one and cover up another?

She didn't know, none of it made sense, it felt like she had all the pieces but the image on the box didn't match up with what she was looking at. All she knew was that Kyung Gyu was at the heart of it. She had to find him. 

Closing her eyes, she began reframing the time she spent knowing Lucas. He wasn’t just the happy go lucky cop that charmed the guns out of everyone’s holster and who flirted with her because he loved her.

He was like her.

He was doing everything she was trying to do now. He was tracking and stocking information to expose people within the police force that moved in corruption, who only became a police officer because the ends justified the means. He was dedicated, careful, smart, he was a good cop.

A smile worked up her lips as she leaned back in his chair and stared at the screen. For the first time, a knot unwound in her chest when she thought of Lucas. He was not just a good cop, he was an outstanding cop because when he was doing this, she was living in a fairytale where she thought there was justice and ethics within the force.

And he did it all alone.

She felt proud, knowing that he was on her team, that he followed her into the Delco site. She was proud that he was willing to do something so dangerous and risky for the sake of the greater good. She minimized the window and looked at the names of the other files. They were all initials, but some she didn’t recognize, but it didn’t matter when every file was encrypted.

She opened Kyung Gyu’s file again and continued clicking until there was one of him by his desk. She did a double take and zoomed in the background, her heart strumming in excitement. By the watercooler in the back was Taeil and Doyoung, Jinah’s friends, which meant that at some point, Kyung Gyu worked in Negotiations. Jinah had said that Taeil was high up in the organization, it was possible that he knew where Kyung Gyu was now, even though the photo was from a while ago.

She had a lead.

She used her phone and took pictures of the screen before logging of, leaving everything in its place.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered as she stared at all the love decorating his desk.

She picked up the little stuffed sun bear and held it up to her face, “I’m sorry. I wish I let you tell me how you felt normally, like over drinks or coffee. And we could’ve talked it out, maybe we would’ve been friends. Like best friends. I would’ve set you up with a nice girl and you would’ve been happy with someone else. And you’d be alive. I’m sorry.”

Hugging the bear she closed her eyes, her heart despite the pain, felt like it was being pieced together, “I’m sorry. I miss you. I’m sad you’re gone. You deserve to be here. B-But I’m proud of you, Huang, you’re an amazing person. I’m lucky to have enforced the law and carry out justice with you.”  

-----

It was 6AM when Ayeon left the precinct to come home, she called in a few sick days and hoped that spending the rest of the day in bed sleeping off the emotional hangover would somehow build up the courage she needed to face her own issues. She knew she was avoiding Jaehyun on purpose, finding every reason under the sun to be too busy to stop by his shop or go over after closing.

And it only made her feel worse because going to his shop was one of the few things that relieved her.

She rubbed her knuckles against her forehead, she could feel a headache creeping as she dug her keys out of her purse. She lifted her head and her feet stuttered when she found Jaehyun leaning against her front door, watching her.

She dropped her hands to her sides and walked up to him with a cautious smile, “Hi.”

“You worried me.” He said quietly. “You looked so panicked and you ran so fast. I was scared something bad happened when you didn’t come back. Your friends didn’t know where you were either.”

She nodded, “I’m sorry. I did panic. I got scared when you said that to me.”

“When I said I love you.”

“Yeah.” She breathed out. “I’ve only ever heard that once from a man. And it was right before he died.”

His eyes widened, she could see it click behind his eyes.

“You were right. This is new to me. And love never ended well in my experience. It always seemed more like a trap. I thought that everything would be fine as long as you didn’t love me because if you didn’t then what we were doing didn’t really matter.” She said, her voice coated in thickness. “No one could get hurt because no one was in love. I could justify the restlessness I felt when I wasn’t near you. I could explain away the feeling I got whenever you touched me or smiled at me like you did to no one else. I didn’t need to justify the giddiness in my stomach whenever anyone called me your girlfriend. I was allowed to be in this relationship as long as you didn’t love me. Because then I didn’t need to worry that something bad would happen to us.”

She smiled weakly, “You love me and as happy as that makes me, it also scares me.”

“Ayeon I’m so sorry.” He whispered back, reaching out to touch her. “. You must’ve been so overwhelmed. I’m so sorry, I was selfish.”

She shook her head, meeting his hand halfway, “No, don’t apologize, you weren’t selfish. I just need some time to get there on my own because I know that you’re the one for me, I just need to figure my own out first.”

“I was telling the truth when I said that you don’t need to say it back to me for me to be happy, Ayeon. I’m glad I got to tell you how I feel. I can wait however long you need. I just—I just need you to not run away from me when things get too much. If something freaks you out, tell me, we can work on it together. We’re a team you don't need to deal with your emotions alone.” He said.

“Okay, I promise.” She said, her eyes glazing over when he reached up to run his hand through his hair. “I just keep thinking that if I push too much you’ll give up and leave.”

“I won’t.” His eyes hardened over with conviction as he took a step towards her, “I’m not going to give up and leave unless you tell me to. I want this relationship to work and I want to be with you for a long time so, I’m going to wait every step of the way for us to be on the same page. I’m not going anywhere.”

She could taste the love on her tongue, and it was so heavenly that she didn’t think anything could compare, “Is it going to be hard to be around me, now? Do you need some space?”

“No.” He whispered. “That’s the last thing I want from you.”

She smiled and walked into his arms, letting him wrap her up. She was lucky to have someone who didn