31.2

The World is on my Shoulder but Mars is Shining over Me

This extra is set in the past.

 

 

Chaeyeon buried her head on her pillow, rolling for the umpteenth time. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t sleep for days now and she has no energy to even lift her body up. She messed up her hair and grumbled asked what it is these days that makes everything, including breathing unbearable.

 

She sighed. She wants to cry if that will make her feel better, so be it, she will cry. She wants this burden to be off her back sooner rather than later. Somehow her tears don’t want to fall down. They just don’t. She gritted her teeth and throws the nearest thing to her to the wall. Unfortunately it was a duck plushy that unceremoniously slid down with barely a thud to the floor. On normal occasion that would elicit a healthy chuckle, but tonight it just added to her annoyance.

 

She open and closes her fist, she wanted to shout but her voice, just wouldn’t come out. All that she managed is a faint grunt and whimper that barely made any sound.

 

It was late at night, it was dawn almost and her responsible side is getting in the way; shouting feels so irresponsible if not disrespectful to her roommate. So all those words that wanted to escape is trap by that net named responsibility.

 

With is she feels so helpless. She thinks again, why? Why does she feel like this today?

 

Is it that message from her cousin? Is it how she decided to just break of that connection with her, just like that…just like that?   It was a guillotine down to the tread that connects the two of them.

 

Or maybe it is that emptiness ones feel after a big project. After all they just finished a huge presentation one week ago, and in its place is a gapping hole. Is it that, the kind of mind numbing dread one called slump? It may perhaps the burn out caused by it. At this point it could be anything and nothing at all.  

 

She sat up and slump her back to the wall, completely giving up to the idea of ever sleeping. She took a deep breath and look up to the barely visible ceiling. She ruffled her hair and look down to her feet.  

 

Is there a reason to feel this way? Lee Chaeyeon? Is there?

 

Are you even allowed to feel this way, huh? Ungrateful .

 

Why are you running away again!?

 

The voices of doubts, the voices within – that is keeping her wide awake for how many days now? The realization that she’s trap in cage of her own making; she pursed her lips and scratches her nape, giving up on finding the reason. She can try fooling herself, asking herself a million questions and find no answer? Why? Because she knows it already, exactly why she feels like the world is on her shoulder. She’s just denying it, burying it alongside all the tears that don’t want to fall down.

 

She tried to smile, laugh at her own foolishness but that’s as hard as it is to cry. She wants and hopes someone can come by, drop by and listen to all these woes, to all these things she wants to say, the things that just won’t escape the confines of .

 

She looks around trying to spot her phone in the darkness, hoping against hope. If miracle can really happen, then she’s hoping for something like that. She was about to give up when her phone lit up. Maybe someone in this night has heard her plea. Perhaps the stars took pity on her. That’s her being stupidly poetic. Who would even pity her, the stars? The moon? Venus? Mars? Mars!?

 

Mars!? at 2:48:12am

 

Its dawn and Mars might’ve really taken pity on her.

 

Martian Kang

Martian Kang: Jagiya.

Martian Kang: What’s good to eat at this hour?

 

 

Waffle, a picture of waffle!? Who in the world makes waffle at 2:48 ing am.

 

Of course it’s none other than their resident alien, the Martian herself, the one and only out of this world Kang Hyewon.

 

What are you doing?

Martian Kang: Im hungry

When are you not?

Martian Kang: Ahhaha you got me.

Spill

 

 

Spill, because you know – Kang Hyewon doesn’t message you randomly at 3 in the morning about absolutely nothing.

 

Martian Kang: Ahahha nothing, you’re still awake? Can’t sleep again?

Ah no I’m in dream land but you’re weird signals have brought me back to earth. Yah martian kang!

 

 

What a bald face lie, one that the other will surely sense beyond the screen.

 

There is a moment of silence, a couple of second of peace. Time that seems to last longer than it is, for that moment she forgot the weight that is on her back while she waited if the other girl will continue their conversation.

 

There’s the blinking bubble of someone repeatedly trying to write something and stopping. Chaeyeon sighed, she doubt the girl will continue the talk beyond their friendly banter. She was about to put her phone down, when it lit up again. She expects nothing other than another innocent quip.

 

               

Martian Kang: Don’t lie to me. To be honest I’m worried. I don’t know if I have the right to. I don’t even know If my guts are correct but I’m worried.

To whom? Me?

Martian Kang: To whom I’m taking to right now. Of course it’s you. 🙄

 

 

Chaeyeon can perfectly visualize that eyeroll. She smiled and typed the words with her heavy finger.

 

 

Don’t be

 

Don’t be is another bald face lie. For each “Don’t be’s” is a lingering feeling of yes – please – I don’t want to be a burden but please, thank you, I need ... I need it.

 

To admit that one needs help, for Chaeyeon to admit that? Her prideful self have hard time swallowing that truth that she needs help. That maybe she really needs someone to extend their hand, to sit beside her, to lend their shoulder so for once she could finally cry.

 

 

Don’t be

 

And here she is pushing that hand back to where it came from.

 

She watch again as the indicators gives her a hint of what the other girl is doing.

 

Martian Kang: < picture of Chaewon sleeping while Hyewon is eating her waffle >

Martian Kang: She looks like an angel isn’t she?

 

A change of topic, Chaeyeon had hope that Hyewon would push a bit more but she cant blame the other for changing the topic, because as much as she wants her to push she herself wants to run away.

 

               

She is!? I guess when sleeping.

Martian Kang: 😂

You’re the only one who sees her as an angel. She’s the spawn of satan in daylight.

Martian Kang: Yah!

  

 

If there is one truth that Chaeyeon knows about the world of Kang “The Martian” Hyewon is that she carved a huge part of her life to be about the aforementioned spawn of Satan, Chaewon.  Part of her wishes she can carve even if a quarter of that space to someone, or she be that someone to someone else.

 

Martian Kang: Honey

 

 

Honey? Jagiya. That made Chaeyeon snicker. They’ve jokingly started calling each other this way just so Hyewon could amusingly see Chaewon’s demonic side hail fire among them. She’s a good sport about that joke and most of the time purposely annoys the younger just so she can see that side, that she adores the most. 

 

Honey, it is such a cute joking endearment between them, two weirdos, to call each other.  It is up there with the Martian-Earthling whichever they decide to use at the moment.

 

               

Hahhah. What is it darling?

Martian Kang: Lunch?

What lunch? I’m not here during lunch.

Martian Kang: Dinner then

👀 Is the great Martian Kang Hyewon asking me to a date.

Martian Kang: 🙄

Martian Kang: Yes I am.

😳

Should I start preparing my grave.

I can feel my death is near

Martian Kang: 😂

Martian Kang:  Don’t worry, I will surely send flowers to your death bed.

…

What’s up? Why suddenly?

Martian Kang: Ahaha I just feel like it. I know you have not been sleeping well lately. IDK. Food might solve that. So what do you think?

 

 

Chaeyeon can’t help but chuckle. That’s out of the blue, but that’s Hyewon – she’s the definition of out of the blue.  Chaeyeon type in a yes out of habit – an answer she couldn’t take back. She put her phone to her side and slowly sunk to her bed. She tried to pace her breathing – trying to quite the demons floating above her head. Convincing herself that saying yes, that accepting Hyewon’s offer, that maybe that’s all she needed. To go out and smell the flowers blooming while winter says goodbye.

 

In addition to the usual drudgery, Chaeyeon had gone through her day with unexplainable dread. It seems that every fiber of her being just doesn’t want to move. Everything is heavy, her steps, her movements, her breathing. Everything is just slower.

 

“You sighed again.” Juri noted, noticing Chaeyeon’s sighing for cat knows how many times. Chaeyeon tried to smile but the corner of her lips are heavy, it only resulted in a forced smile merely acknowledging what the older has noticed.

 

“I don’t think you need to finish cleaning if you’re not feeling well. Grandma will understand and I can just ask Ducky to do it for you.”   The older who is eyeing her from the couch in the common area said to her in Japanese.  Chaeyeon chuckled, the kind that came fast and gone fast as the frown was back on her face in a second.

 

“No I’ll finish this. I’m getting paid for this so I’m going to finish it.” Chayeon is rather adamant despite the feeling of dread enveloping her entire being. She’s honest and a proud child through and through. “And beside I don’t want to cut Yena’s time with you.” She added with faint smile as she continued her work.

 

Darkness has started to blanket everything in sight turning it to a shade of deep violet with a few streaks of orange. It’s somewhat cloudy, as cloudy as her thoughts.  She put her hands inside the pocket of her overcoat. Last time she checked its mid March and spring had officially begun, yet it’s still cold. She felt the chills brought fort by the still cold weather, thankful that she wore an overcoat on top of her blazer and dress. She continue to quietly walk to the nearest stop, watching her breath turn to mist and coming to a realization that it’s not only the wind that is cold, her heart too is feeling cold.

 

She sighed and adjusted the fit of her outfit, wandering if it’s suitable to wherever the older girl plans to bring her. She snickered over the fact that she is nothing but an Earthling being blessed by an extremely wealthy eccentric Martian, that’s her opinion. Thinking it that way took some of the baggage of her chest. Thinking about Hyewon and her smile and her seemingly random but not random tendencies is making things lighter for her.

 

They have a shared experience. Both coming from well off family and leaving them. Chaeyeon choosing to go away on her own to chase her dream while Hyewon got kick off to the shadow and yet… And yet even if she choose her own path it feels so burdensome, she couldn’t move, she feel constrained, while the older faced her situation head on – like it was a challenge, a game she willingly played.

 

In the midst of this musing, Chaeyeon did not notice the white car she has been waiting for has stop beside her.

 

“You’re up in the clouds again.” Hyewon rolled down the window in the backseat and grinned to her. “You’re out of it again, care to share what planet you’re in this time.” She opened the car door for Chaeyeon who currently looks like a deer in the headlights.

    

Chaeyeon smiled – one that is not burden. It made the other to snicker, scooting to the side to give her a space in the back seat.

 

“What planet, you asked?” Chaeyeon purposely put her face close to the older who is snacking on bread. She giggled upon seeing the short moment of shock from her. “You’re planet of course.” She cackled, laughing hysterically at her own joke.

 

Hyewon can’t help but join her, there’s something infectious about Chaeyeon’s laughter. It makes you want to laugh with her, the jokes may not be that funny, but it’s so infectious the way it raise drums in the air. Hyewon is happy to see her laughing that way even for that moment. She knows there are clouds over the younger head, baggage on her back – too heavy to be carried alone, and she’s here willing to take some of that away.

 

“That’s smooth Chaen, smooth.” Hyewon muttered. She gently brushes of the stray hairs off the younger’s face, tucking them to her ears.

 

With that she unknowingly took Chaeyeon’s breath away. Sometimes, Chayeon wonders, if the older knew how much effect she has on others.

 

“Chaen, Chayeon… You’re flying again.” As easily as she took it away, she gave it back. Hyewon brought her back to earth with a simple nudge of the newly opened bag of potato chips.

 

“You’re never not hungry.” Chaeyeon grab a handful of chips and toss some to .

 

“Food is part of what makes me happy.” Hyewon shimmy while she opens a bottle of cold tea. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to not enjoy food.” She added patting Chaeyeon’s head. That surprise Chayeon. She batted her hand causing the older to chuckle in amusement. It was not the reaction Hyewon has come to expect.

 

Chaeyeon thoughts once again wandered away, she look at her fiddling fingers. She is questioning her reaction to the older girl patting her head when she felt the older laying her head on her shoulder.

 

“It’s ok Chaeyeon-ah, don’t think about it. It makes you cute you know.”  

 

Chaeyeon felt the older gently holding her hand and intertwining her fingers with her fidgety one. It was calming and scary and it’s making her heart jump to direction she can’t define. As much as it was a scary it was comforting like the warm breeze that makes you realize that it is finally spring. It was the warmth that slowly melts the cold that has come to engulf her.

 

She observes the older, quietly listening to her breathing. She noticed various things that fascinate her like that cute mole on the older’s nose or the way she hugs the open bag of chips.  It started to fill her heart with strange feeling, warmth that slowly made its way to her face. It made her embarrass as she tried her best to look away and tried her hardest to stay calm.

 

They arrive at their destination. A seat was reserve in classy restaurant. Chaeyeon is sure about one thing and that is they probably serve good food. Hyewon afterall is the authority for good food.

 

It was a table in a far corner, overlooking a forest like garden. The place is somewhat intimidating but cozy. You know kinda like the person that brought her here. She looks around and determined that it’s the sort of restaurant her family will bring her to a dinner too. She’s not gonna lie that pricked her heart.

Family. She has none. It was not family that brought her here but a friend.

 

Her eyes landed on the aforementioned friend, whose eyes are currently glued to the trees outside. She raised her eyebrows and giggled to herself upon realizing that she worried too much about her attire while the older doesn’t seem to care as she still is clad in that white padded winter coat. 

 

Its cold even in the inside, the winter breeze is still very much blowing and yet she doesn’t feel that cold as compare to what she felt earlier that day. It’s like the ice that encased her entire being is finally melting. The cold that has followed her has finally been replaced with something warm.

 

Something warm, like her smile and her eyes that is gently observing her. Chaeyeon is too mesmerized that she failed to notice that the older is staring straight to her eyes. She quickly averted her gaze, making the older to chuckle and just with that Chaeyeon felt at home.

 

Like what she has thought, the food is good. Hyewon’s taste is impeccable. The medium rare steak is juicy and tender. The seared scallops that she now knows, was one of Hyewon’s fave is really delicious.

 

There’s something about this dinner, the atmosphere, the food, that made it felt like home. So much like the home she is looking for, a place where she can be comfortable enough to be vulnerable.

 

“It’s ok to cry, Chaen. if it makes you feel better, cry.”

 

It was too late when she noticed the tears running down her cheeks. She dropped her fork upon this realization and quickly tried to wipe the tears with the back of her hand.  

 

“Chaen.” The older leaned closer and held the Chaeyeon’s face, gently caressing her it, assuring her to the best of her ability that it is ok.

 

Chaeyeon found herself staring at those white round eyes of pureness. She ends up getting lost and then finally finding her way back. The lump that formed on has finally given way. She opened and finally her voice can be heard. The words that longed to be let out have found their way out of the cage that she put them into.

 

Hyewon move her chair and cradled the younger’s head. The one thing Hyewon knows well is that it is hard to seek help and be comfortable enough to cry in another’s presence. It’s rooted on both pride and fear.  She knows it because she herself can’t do it but that pure child buried in her heart wants to help in the only way she can. Offering what she has been known to give freely, hugs and most importantly the space to cry on, and ears that will listen.

 

She knows she might not be the best person for this heck she doesn’t even know what to do or if it is the right thing to do. All she knows is that she wants to reach out to this person who stands in the opposite side facing her like a mirror. They are alike in a lot of ways, she relate to her in ways that other would not be able to fathom.  She wants to do what she can and right now this is the only thing she can offer. An assurance that it’s ok, you can cry. She carefully listens to the things that had clouded the younger’s head.

 

Things might seem silly to some but not to them, not to Chaeyeon. It was about the future, the past, the people she left and her dream that seem to be out of her reach. A family that closed its door to her, a hand that is reaching to help and her pride that gets in the way. Most importantly it’s the realization of the present, the reality of life that slaps her in the face every time she wakes up in the morning. The fact that there are days she gets by with barely anything, that she started to run out of good clothes, the reality that right now, she has nothing at all. There is no security and her life is drastically different to what she was used to and the feeling that despite it all she should be thankful that it was not worse.

 

“I’m a fool.” She is a fool chasing her dream back to her homeland.

 

“We both are.” And she is another fool trying to build an empire in the darkness of her family’s shadow.

 

For a moment there was home, in that moment Chaeyeon manage to cry out her worries. In that moment the baggage started to be lift of her back.

 

“It chilly.” She grumbled, feeling the cold breeze. The two of them decided to go around in a park for a bit.

 

“Yeah it still is but I suddenly want to see this. They’re pretty right, like the ones in Japan.”  The older turn around and laugh pointing at the cherry blossoms that started to bloom. The petals that falling as her gaze wanders around the trees and the ways she tried to frame her phone to take the best shot. It was captivating.

 

Chaeyeon chuckled to herself. She put her hand to her chest listening to the erratic beat of her heart. This heat that started spreading to her cheeks, the warmth she is feeling in the middle of cold breeze, she knows now what it is. She sighed, there’s a painful realization. 

 

“Chaen, let’s take selca.” She looks at the hands that suddenly grab her. She let herself be carried. It’s fleeting – this is the closest she has felt at home. She look’s at the camera and smiled. Hyewon is truly ethereal in the lenses of her phone’s front camera yet to Chaeyeon she’s ten times more breath taking in person literally, figuratively  and painfully as she steal glances to the older and listen to her mumble.

 

“Chaewon would like this.”

 

Chaewon.

 

Ofcourse there’s no way she could fight the radish princess. She will not win, not when if you open Hyewon’s chest and you will see her name on it. The day she knew she has fallen in love is the day is the day she also experience heartbreak.

 

“Chaeyeon let’s go!” The older called for her name with such a smile, under the moonlight waving her hand like there is no tomorrow.

 

That day the world might have been on her shoulder but she can say Mars had smiled upon her. She cackled at that thought.

 

When was that? How long ago was it? Three years. That was about three years ago when she watches the older spin around and giggle under the falling petals of cherry blossom. Three years ago when she got mesmerized by the sparkle in her eyes and the beauty of the moon and the stars being reflected on them.  She knew back then that it was a love that will never be returned and it stayed that until she tamed it to a friendship, and nourish a family not born from blood but companionship.

 

Its bittersweet – it’s definitely more bitter than it is sweet, then add that distinct taste of metal. To remember those days and for it to be played like a movie before her made for a very bad taste. She once again unconsciously bit the inside of as she tried her best to muster a smile.

 

A smile to welcome Hyewon back to the closest place they can call home. Her chest tightens enough for her to put her hand over it to ease the pain.  

 

She watches the older struggle on her way. On her side is their duck like friend helping her walk when she would have none of it.  They are throwing the same old banter back and forth like the way they used to. Except it was only in words their eyes doesn’t sparkle the way it used to, there is irony, sarcasm and pain in all the yahs and stupids they uttered.  The words are the only thing same, the way it sound is different but it is only evident to the three of them.  

 

Hyewon turned her attention to the person whose name is carved her chest. They look at each other and you can see how their world was each other. In a way Chaeyeon is glad that Hyewon has Chaewon and Yena by her side, people who catch her when she fall. She knew she failed to do that, and that knowledge is eating her up.

 

“Yah Chaeyeon!” The older snap her attention. “I’m hungry. Gopchang gopchang.” She added with sheepish grin on her face, throwing a glance to the girl who is standing beside her.

 

“How come you are always hungry, is the dragon in your stomach that starved.” Chaeyeon squished the older’s cheeks gaining a chuckle from her. One that she swears is just like those of yesterday. 

 

“Hospital food is stale.” The older grumbled as she threw a subtle look to the girl beside Chaeyeon.

 

Chaeyeon felt arm circling around her waist and chin gently finding its way on her shoulder.  Safe to say her face started looking like tomato when she realized what Sakura just did.

 

It earned her more teasing looks from the older who tried to laugh but quickly gave up due to the pain on her side.

 

“Geez Are you really sure you’re even allowed to go home now!?”  Yena scolded her best friend, poking her cheeks. The jokester nature of the duck masks the worry and anger in her voice. “Yena-ah I hate hospital food, I’ll get sicker there. I miss good food.” Hyewon brush her hand on her stomach that growled timely to show just how hungry she is. She gotten thinner that’s much they know.

 

“Yah unnie. You’ll get good food now.” Chaewon hold her hand and look tenderly to her. Hyewon tried her best not to be too excited as any physical effort aggravates her injury but you can hear her heart filling with thankfulness and love.

 

“They are so cute.” Sakura muttered. Chaeyeon can’t help but agree to that.

 

“Yah!!! You guys stop crowding over Hyewon, she still needs rest.” Eunbi step out of the kitchen, behind her is Nako and Yujin carrying some snacks.

 

“Food.” Hyewon eyes sparkle upon seeing the snacks coming her way.

 

 “Why are you all there?” Eunbi directed her call to the stairs.

Hyewon eyes widen as heads slowly pop up one by one, first Wonyoung come rushing down, then Minjoo, then Hitomi and finally Yuri tried to jump and hug her. Funnily enough she was intercepted by Yena into a hug. It caused a sweet scuffle between them.

 

Chaeyeon noticed the uncharacteristically quite Yujin. She mouthed to her go.

 

“U..unnie?” Yujins voice is laced with tentativeness.

 

Everyone is sort of walking on eggshell. The younger ones had known a bit of what happen but they know they can’t ask and they don’t know how to act as normal as they can. There’s nothing to go back to – from here on out – things about Hyewon changed. They’ve notice too the changes around the unnies and the way they act. Ask them what they want to do right now and they’ll jump head first to hug their precious glutton angel but they are not sure how to approach the situation right now.

Eunbi giggled at how innocent they are but also sighed. She pushed Yujin towards Hyewon much too Sakura and Chaeyeon’s surprise. She shrugs the two of them and went back to kitchen dragging a worried Nako with her.

 

“What’s the problem, Yudaeng?” Hyewon opened her arm to welcome fidgety child. For some reason that hit the tall child straight to her heart that she cried right there, kneeling to hug the hamster like girl. Hyewon welcomed her with open arms, despite how much her sides are protesting. She cooed her but Yujin crying prompted Yuri to cry, and then Wonyoung and eventually it was chaos and sobs.

 

“What the hell!? I’m still alive. You all making it sound like I died.”

 

“But you did.” Yena comically wailed but the words stab Hyewon to the heart and Chaeyeon saw that.

 

“You ok Jjae?” Sakura whispered upon seeing the change in her expression.

 

“Yeah. I guess.” A lie, one she would take now. A lie that didn’t escape Sakura, she gave the younger a pat to her head to assure her if she needs it she’s there.

 

Chaeyeon look at Hyewon’s eyes again. The sparkle in her eyes has dimmed; in between her usual sarcastic joke and laughter are scars that she can see.

 

It has change. Things have change. Chaeyeon is more at home now, freer, surer and tad less prideful. She felt supported and her heart knows she found a love that maybe this time can be returned. Hyewon on the other hand look into her eyes and Chaeyeon can see how the older struggles as the things, the home, she tried to build in the last three years crumbled in front of her.

 

Unbeknownst to Chaeyeon though, Hyewon took a moment to glance at Sakura, a split second enough to convey her message. Take care of her.

 

 Sensing the heavy atmosphere Eunbi intervened, “Am I in nursery and you all are babies crying? Last I check I’m an apartment manager not a nanny to 11 kids.”

 

“Mom.” The maknaes runs towards her, resulting to a fit of laughter from everyone including a struggling to laugh Hyewon.

 

“Hyewon-ah, Chaewon-ah, Yena-ssi. Let’s eat?”

 

It’s rare nowadays but they are complete. The apartment was very much home in that moment. They are at home – at least for today they can pretend that’s the case that this is home. Maybe it really is home – and it was what home is after all.

 

   ••♦••

 

---

Note:

Sorry for the suddent Hiatus. I have tried writing CH32 several times but it didnt flow the way I like too. Hopefully I finish that this weekend. I have done a few writing here and there to be able to get back to the groove but found it hard to find rhythm.

This 31.2 And its based from PM. When I read that i kind of thought it reflects how Chaeyeon and Hyewon is in this story. Winter & Spring plays part in Chaeyeon and Sakura's story.

CH32 is supposedly Minjoo centric with some Kkura. 32-33-34 are like opening up new arcs for different people. [I was referencing my notes] 

I just want to say. Chaeyeon is Winter , and Sakura is Spring.

CH32 should be fluff XD but i was kinda not in the best frame of mind to write fluff and it gets gloomy i rewrote and still is rewriting it. I'll try this coming weekend.

Thank you for my 80th and 81st upvotes. Thank you for waiting and sorry for not updating for along time.