30 What are Dreams Made of?
IZ*One : Everyday As We Dream
30
What are dreams made of?
New Year did not start good for Yujin. It’s not exactly January 1st, January 1st started of good at least. Nako had let her experience the tradition of Japanese shrine visit by way of technology. It is just a way of saying that they talk all night as she is feeling quite alone. That’s the highlight of her New Year celebration, that and a dream that keep appearing, a dream that ends before she could see the face behind the purplish white hair.
Honestly, she has forgotten what food she ate or what happened the last two weeks of last year. She may have watched a Music Show Festival or two on TV, fangirled over her favorite groups, went out with friends but there is a gloom over her head that she has now recognize.
What’s the gloom you asked? She is asking about it herself too, thinking about it hard as she trudge her feet to cold pavement and make way to the small stand selling her favorite tteokbokki. She hopes that the taste of her favorite food would help lighten up her day, after all that’s what her Kwangsoonie will always say. She huffs and look up to the cloudy sky, praise be to cats or dogs or bees that everything seems to be gloomy. She sighed and proceeds to pay for her tteokbokki.
“Hold up, Yujinie.”
She smirks and for the first time sort of smiled. Yujin chuckled to herself, that cute voice has been her savior on this gloomy day.
“Treat me to some tteokbokki too.” The tiny figure waddled to her direction.
“You’re late unnie.” Yujin chuckled, “and I thought you don’t like tteokbokki that much.” She thought how amazing it is that the older has become so good in her language despite the short time she’s been there.
“A wise woman once said anything free is delicious.” The smaller girl uttered in a tone similar to that of a wise sage brushing their imaginary beard.
“Is it Yena-unnie or Hyewon-unnnie, that’s very Kwangsoonie thing to say.” Yujin laugh with her eyes forming crescents and dimples showing on her cheeks, she pulled some cash and paid for the new order.
Nako is quite happy to see the change in her mood. She politely greeted the store owner Happy New Year As they handed her their food. She then glances to her companion, who is by now few steps ahead of her. She shuffled her way to the taller girl who seems lost in the world.
“Yujinnie, wait. You know snow has just stop and it still… whoooaaaa.” So fate had it that her tiny legs gave up and its looking that she’ll get tteokbokki all over her coat.
“Whoaa Unnie careful.” Yujin quicky grab her arm preventing her from falling.
“ah, I would be but you’re walking way too fa-” Nako tried to complain.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just.” Yujin ruffled her hair annoyed at herself.
Just like that, the cloud hovers back over her head. Nako is visibly concerned over the younger girl’s well being – it’s like someone stole all supply of tteokbokki in the world and they are eating the last serving of it.
“Hey, what’s up?” Nako patted Yujin’s back, “I’ve been gone for two weeks and you look like the sun has not shine on you while I’m away.” Nako cheekily added hoping the joke about how greatly important she is will lighten up the younger girl’s mood.
“hmmm kinda…” Yujin pursed her lips. She made her way to the nearby bench having very little awareness of her surrounding. Once seated, she looks at the older who are a few steps behind her. She tilted her head and pats the seat beside.
Nako obliged and sit beside her, letting in some peaceful silence permeate between them. Yujin rest her head on Nako’s shoulder and the older gently brush her hair, “You’ll hurt your back.”
The younger hummed.
“Anything on your mind, Jinnie~?” Nako wonders what happened while she was away, for all she know Yujin was a happy puppy during the winter break.
Yujin slowly closes her eyes and hold Nako’s hand that is brushing her hair. She holds them tightly while she let the comforting presence the older provides engulf her. Her tteokbokki long been forgotten. “Remember when I told you Hyewon-unnie promise to be with me on Christmas.”
“Yes.” Nako bit her tongue trying to suppress her instinct to throw a probably ill timed joke about their dear Hyewon-unnie and food.
“I mean it’s not only Hyewon-unnie, Yena-unnie too – they promised me. I told you right - I can’t go back to Daejeon for winter break because of my parents. So they said they’ll accompany me.”
Nako glances towards the younger girl and leaned her head to hers, knowing their position is awkward looking at best, with how tall the younger and how low her shoulder is. Such worry about possible back pain can rest for now what is important is to hear the woes of the younger in hopes that sun will hopefully shine on her again.
“Did they? Did something happen?” Nako ask the questions that are all in the tip of her tongue.
In the history of Yabuki Nako and her friendship with Ahn Yujin, that encompasses the last few months of last year. Mind you last year is like a week ago. It was the younger who listened to the older woes. Now their position is reverse to what Nako think it should’ve been from the start. It should’ve always been her that is listening to the younger girl’s woes being the older of the two. This time, her time has come. It is the younger who needs a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen, and a voice that will not judge.
The younger nodded ever so slightly. Nako’s heart almost shattered to pieces, she held her still and cradles her head cautiously. “Care to share it to me?”
“I haven’t seen them that cold to each other in the years I have known them.”
Years…
Years… In the entire history of Ahn Yujin, to what Nako have come to know from her stories. It was like a fable of friends of different temperament finding each other and yes that include the youngest of them all – Yujin herself. So this is the story as told to Nako, the story of Ahn Yujin and the three people that change her life. It’s the story of a puppy who met an energetic duck, a kind hamster like cat who eats a lot and a hardworking protective motherly bird. It’s something Nako tries to remember so she can put things into a proper perspective.
It was an afternoon, so she was told where the young and still young Yujin is nursing her defeated heart. In that faithful afternoon she encountered a group of three friends that are so mismatch in personality yet somehow they complement each other perfectly.
She was first approach by hamster like cat with the face of an angel and a personality of one who is worried about her well being despite her being, well at the time, a stranger crying under a tree. Then she was offered willing ears by a funny duck like girl who keeps making duck noises. Someone who is an athlete like her and understand what she is going through at that time. She was then babied and comforted by the person with the kindest face and motherly embrace, making sure she’s well fed and warm. That was their first meeting and obviously not their last. Faith has it they met again – in a way that made Seoul smaller than it probably is.
She has watched those three. They are best-friends of different wavelength communicating seamlessly to one another. She admires them and wants to be like them, caring, cool, confident and chic. They are without a doubt her model. She was quickly accepted in their circle like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Treated like a same age friend at the same time a precious baby.
She would later know of their worries, worries that are much like those of normal teenagers. You know worries of the heart, of your next allowance or what to eat for lunch. She has come to know about Chaewon and how important she is to Hyewon, come to know about the goddess like Minjoo and her friendship with those two. She has learned about Juri and how enamored Yena is to her and how much her heart broke later on. She has come to understand Chaeyeon and how she is dense yet also a tsundere, how it’s more likely because she’s afraid to commit herself to things that are more than friendship. Many of the things she knows she probably knew it from them.
They are the reliable, understanding older sister – and just like how they opened to her, she also opened to them. Things like her training, her grades, her crushes and how Minjoo looks like someone from her childhood. That is probably where her crush of the older started. Minjoo reminds her of her childhood in Daejeon and her angel, of those years she played in the woods.
It would turn out later that Minjoo is exactly who Yujin thought she is and so threads of faith continues to string them one by one. As the threads spools, so is Yujin’s feeling started to develop to something way more than crush down to unrequited love. It was like an anime plot, Hyewon – an anime enthusiast, even pointed that out. And just like in anime or drama, she the childhood friend where left in the dust for some other love.
In a way Yujin is connected to the apartment way before she became a resident, about a year or so ago. This made Nako think that she too, got loop in these threads. In her case by way Juri, the same Juri that now Nako knows as their resident duck ex-girlfriend. That made her head hurt, she still had barely any grasp of the situation. All Nako knows is that the almost same age friend of Yena, Hyewon and Chaeyeon are so close they would kill for each other. A situation like the one Yujin is describing is almost unfathomable. It’s the youngest of the circle that is seeing the fracture, the final moments of a friendship that used to be so strong. Like a tap will send it sputtering to pieces down the floor never to be seen as a whole again.
That was the story of yesteryear, now its time for the story of today. Yujin took a deep breathe and sat up straight looking up to the cloudy sky. Nako reach to her hand squeezing it, giving the younger encouragement to continue. So does Yujin told the story of the last two weeks and why it hurt her so much to see those three starts to go their separate ways.
Yujin think it started earlier, probably even at their celebration of the Christmas Eve. Back then it seems like Chaeyeon would look annoyed at Hyewon, constantly looking at the older with suspicion in her eyes. Nako think back to that night, they where woken up and welcomed to an impromptu celebration. She did not notice much is wrong, though she did sense the awkwardness between them.
At first it was Hyewon and Chaeyeon – not talking to each other the way they do. Then it was Hyewon and Yena, with Yena avoiding Hyewon as much as possible. Then there is Chaeyeon confronting Yena about something. That something, it’s a thing Yujin have an idea but was not that much sure about. Listening to that conversation though made her heart shatter.
“Yena-unnie?”
Yujin crack it gently, Yena for sure will be going to Canada before the year ends, might even be before 2nd semester. Yujin knows a possibility of leaving a friend to go somewhere is real. She did it as a kid but now that she is the one being left she can’t describe the kind of fear and sadness she feel in her heart.
If Yujin right now is already broken by it what more are the other? Chaeyeon is probably hurt and then what more will it be to Yuri? Does she even know? Nako brushed that thought to the depth and continue listening to the younger.
She quietly hums trying to process the younger girl’s concern, sad that she can only provide willing ears to listen and can’t give any useful advice but then maybe that all she need to provide.
“Do you know what Yena unnie’s dream is…” Yujin muttered.
Nako raised an eyebrow after hearing those words; she turned to Yujin who right now is still staring to the clouds up in the sky. “Her dream? Isn’t Yena-unnie’s dream is to be a professional hockey player.”
Yujin nodded. It’s like a shoot to the moon kind of dream for a lot of people, but Yena has a chance to try. That’s one of the thing she is good at, trying. In her words to give up without trying will result to regret so she barrel to that dream like a madman. Yujin took a deep breath trying to understand the point of view of the older. Dream she can understand, distance she can’t. She has many questions but she’s young and just starting to dream herself so it’s something she is trying to grasp on her own.
“I can understand her. In fact I think I did what she is going to do.” Nako hummed, throwing a glance to the younger who looks at her with brows furrowed. Nako smiled and continued, “I left Japan to go here in hopes that my dream of becoming an idol comes true. Yena-unnie is going to Canada in hopes her dream will come true. I guess sometimes dreams are like that… there are sacrifices that are need to be made.”
“Is that so… I see.” Yujin muttered – despite still not understanding exactly the weight such decision takes.
Nako smiled to her and ruffled the younger girl’s hair, “Don’t think much about it yet. We have different dreams it’s just that ours requires that kind of sacrifice.”
Yujin look down to the hand she is holding and fiddled with it. A smile now formed across her lips. A smile that made Nako relieved.
“Wonyoung too right, she probably understand Yena-unnie more than I do. But why does Yena-unnie sounds like she’s in so much pain when she talks about it. Does following your dream put you in pain? Unnie – does it? I want to help her and I hate that I can’t.” Yujin pursed her lips and wonder, her face looks brighter than it was before, but worries still clouds her eyes. She was always a selfless person, willing to help her friend – she may point out that she learned it from the three but no, Nako thinks this is just how Yujin is.
“I don’t know Yujinie. Sometimes the only thing we can do is lend our ears and shoulder and listen.”
“Will it be enough?”
“Sometimes that’s all you need Yujinie, to let it out, to cry it out.”
Yujin has always thought that the times she can only lend her shoulder and not give anything other than that, that she failed those people that seek her help. Is that really enough, maybe but she doesn’t know yet. Nako assured her that sometimes, yes that’s all you need. When all you wish is for the world to stop and for a soul hear your plea, to listen to you without judgment, without words or ill-timed advice and at the end to assure you that they’ll still be there after the breakdown. That in fact there are times that Yujin is that to her and those times she is thankful. Yujin finally relent, she plants a gentle kiss on the back of the older girl’s hand and as her thank you. Nako is surprise, the way the younger show her affection always surprises her, not knowing that so far this gesture are only reserve to her.
“Now that we are talking about dreams. Yujinie, what is your dream?” Nako asks.
“I don’t know yet, I’m not sure.” Yujin finally took some of her tteokbokki that is crying to be notice, shoving in pieces to .
“Really? Why do I feel you have something on your mind?” Nako knowingly smirk, she herself finally can take a piece of her own tteokbokki now that her hands are free.
“Don’t laugh ok.”
“I promise I will not laugh. So what it is?”
“Teacher.”
Nako’s eyes almost pop off her socket. That was to her a surprising answer, she chuckled and thought to herself well that makes sense. It does make sense to her, Yujin will be one cool chill teacher, and she can see that.
“You’re laughing.” Yujin pouted.
“I’m not. I just… I just realize it suits you.”
“Does it?”
Nako nodded her head enthusiastically.
“My academics are not that good though…”
“Gym is an option and you still have time to work on your academics. I believe in you. Let’s go Teacher Ahn.” Nako cheered with a wide smile. That smile is heart warningly beautiful to Yujin’s eyes. To the point it infected her and made her smile openly for the first time today. A smile that she knows will finally last for more than a moment.
“Though model or athlete will suit you too, ‘cause you know you’re...” Nako vertically opened her arms, emphasizing the younger’s height.
Yujin chuckled and then she thought about what each of their dream is, “Minjoo unnie wanted to be announcer right?”
“Yep – she’s working on that, though I think she’ll have easier path if she goes in and audition in one of those actor companies you know.” Nako suggested. “I guess we can agree that she does have a face of actress.”
“More-like.” Yujin interjected and they both smiled. “A face of a goddess.” They laugh as they said the same thing at the same time. That’s something universally agreed upon, Minjoo’s face can rival those of goddesses.
The talk suddenly reminded Yujin the dream that keeps coming back to her. “You know I have a dream that keep coming back in my sleep. That I’m in my room I’m readying for work and saw her on TV talking about Hyewon and Chaewon-unnie’s business. Then I turn on the chart and on top of it is Yuri-unnie’s song. Then on the magazine cover there is Wonyoung and the sports news section is a story about Yena-unnie. That’s when I scrolled on the top video it is Chaeyeon-unnie with Hitomi-unnie dancing. It feels so real for a moment I thought it was.”
“Well that’s a…. uhm amazing dream – kinda weird like you’re seeing the future but how about me?”
Yujin chuckled at the older’s question, “I’m not finish yet, then I open my phone and played a game, and I was seeing credits and Minami’s name is on it, Erii too. Then I somehow got curious and search about the game turns out its Sakura-unnie produced it. It so clear. ”
“Me?”
“hahahaha now that I’m trying to remember that detail I did not see you there. The dream ended with me jogging outside and picking up a box of macaroon with a label Captain Rabbit and then meeting up someone who has purplish white hair but I keep waking up before I saw her face.”
“Tskk. Why I am not in your dream? This is unfair, so it seems am not that important to you to be in it.” Nako teased. Yujin defended herself and pointed out that, “Eunbi unnie is not there too.”
Nako smack her head. “Dumb Dog Captain Rabbit and macaroon is probably Eunbi-unnie. Tsk I did not even make it in your dream.” Nako glared to the taller girl.
“What if you’re the person with purplish white hair?” Yujin cackled and playfully poke the smaller girl’s side.
“I’m not taking consolation and look my hair is far from being white let alone purple, it’s brown.” Nako pointed out to her hair that Yujin dutifully messed up.
“Don’t worry I’ll try to finish the dream, maybe you’ll be there in the end and is that even important. You’re always here with me, isn’t that what’s important?” Yujin look at Nako’s eyes earnestly.
Nako is lying that such action didn’t made her heart flutter, because it did. It made her face heat up that she is sure that blush has now spread on her face. Yujin has ways with words that make you question your heart. No wonder the kid is so popular in her school – to the point she has almost mask her innate shyness.
“Yeah, I guess.” Nako averted her gaze but her eyes widen when she felt the younger interlaced her fingers with her.
Yujin also has ways with action, she is so honest and straightforward that one can mis-interpret them or so Nako thought. Never in her head has she thought that all of these are things Yujin had only done to her. They have gotten so close that it’s almost natural to the younger to do it, but it’s only to her.
People always thought about soulmate, Yujin too think about those. For her, her soulmate is her Hyewon-unnie don’t ask her why. But there is also what they called, kindred spirit, she has learned about it in one of those literary classic, now Yujin has settled it that Nako is probably her kindred spirit.
She held her hand and gently looks at the smaller girl who tore her gaze away from her. That action did not hurt her, in fact it amuses her, that and the visible blush that amuses her too. “Let’s go unnie.”
They walk hand in hand as they traced back the path to their apartment building. Standing in front of the main door, Yujin now faces her second dilemma.
Minjoo.
Hopes against hope she is wishing the older girl hasn’t arrived yet, that hopefully she’s still in the station or decided to stay back for another week.
Yujin is not sure what she will do, but she is sure she is bound to do something stupid.
“Unnie if I do something stupid will you be there for me?” She squeezed the tiny hand she is holding.
“How’s stupid is that stupid?”
“As stupid I can get.”
“C’mon Yujin what do you mean?”
“Just promise me.”
With the way Yujin look at her eyes, Nako has no other option but to relent. What stupid thing the younger is planning? She has an idea that she hope the younger will slow down before doing it because at this rate, she will be nursing broken pieces. She shakes her head, there very little you can do to stop a determined to be stupid Ahn Yujin. She sighed and followed the younger inside their apartment common area.
As it the usual there is Yuri and Yena cuddling on the couch with their Nintendo Switch. In a very rare occurrence Sakura is out of her room and is also busy playing with her own Switch. Chaeyeon was then seen emerging from the kitchen with some snack on hand, choosing to sit beside Sakura.
Nako followed Yujin to the kitchen where the younger was planning to give Eunbi a heart attack but Eunbi noticed her before. The eldest is happy to see that Yujin is considerably chipper than she is earlier, even teasing her that all the gloom is because Nako-chan is not around to baby her. Nako then proudly declared herself as Vitamin Nako.
“Because who can say no to this, it’s Yes or Yes.” Nako posed and pointed to her dimples like a super hero and Yujin lost it cackled and so did Eunbi. Heck even the Ice cold princess Chaewon let out a laugh though she looks worn out.
Eunbi gave the two snacks while she gave smile of assurance to Chaewon who looks like she’s dying of worry inside. Wonyoung came down, cutely asking for some snacks too. She noticed that the Ice princess is down so she tried to cheer her up mentioning that their Hyewon-unnie would eventually contact them.
“Unnie has not contacted anyone yet?” Yujin eyes widened as the question left out of . The question made the room about 10 degree colder as everyone let their worry slip.
“She hasn’t, she’s the only one not here yet, Minjoo-unnie just arrived with Hiichan-unnie.” Wonyoung pouted, “I trust Unnie, I know wherever she is that she will be fine.” There is the worry and there is the trust. “The apartment feels different without her.”
“Hold up kids, like I said there maybe a reason Hyewon has not called us. Let’s trust her ok beside her lawyer contacted us and assured of her well being already. Physically atleast for now we know she’s fine.” That’s where their worry lies despite the assurance of their manager. Hyewon is always physically fine against logic she’s always in pristine physical condition that you question where in the world all the food she eat goes. The worry lies on the things like emotional and psychological well being of the angel because they all well know Hyewon is fighting a battle on her own even if they have provided help the effect is minimal at best.
“Ok, ok kids leave the kitchen, I need to clean it.” They were all shooed away by the eldest. Chaeyeon stood up from her seat to help while Wonyoung took the seat she just left. After a few dibs on the snack, Yujin and Nako then proceed to head to the 2nd floor. Though they have no plans prepared, they pretty internally agreed to just fangirl over Twice and talk about more things regarding their vacation. This time its Nako’s turn to tell her stories.
On their way there they heard some shouting. Nako quickly grab Yujin’s arm in hopes she won’t do something stupid…yet.
“Minjoo that’s not what I’m saying!” It’s very rare for Hitomi to use such tone of annoyance to Minjoo, when she feels that little monster is about to flare up she try to leave ‘till it subsided. Though the Berry is starting to learn to live with that sassy side, she’s still afraid that it will cause her to say things that will result to misunderstanding.
It’s a bit shocking to Nako, for Yujin it’s a cause for anger – how much? Nako can’t gauge yet.
“Minmin I’m sorry, wait? Let me explain.” Hitomi’s desperate voice echoed to the 2nd floor following footsteps that seems to be running away.
Nako is confused, Minjoo and Hitomi have patch things up between them quite well and they are also not the kind that shout to each other let alone let it escalate to that point. It’s too late though for Nako, Yujin hates it whenever Minjoo is upset no matter the reason.
The younger looks at Nako’s eyes, at that point Nako understood what Yujin meant about doing something stupid. She internally sighed and let go of Yujin’s arm. The younger quickly run after the footsteps passing Hitomi on her way. She looks at Hitomi’s with determined eyes, smiled and bowed to her.
Hitomi somehow understood what Yujin is about to do and that scared her. Let her get this straight. She and Minjoo are just teasing each other a moment ago. Minjoo did something that she regretted thinking it annoyed her, but it did not and it resulted in this situation. Which means Minjoo is probably sulking in her room and Hitomi is about to give her the biggest and warmest hug she could muster and probably kisses. Thinking about that made her giggle, that was moments ago, before she saw Yujin’s determined eyes and yes that scared her.
Hitomi is sure of Minjoo, to the point pursuing her dream includes Minjoo in it. If there is something she is aware of is that Yujin still has feelings for Minjoo. Out of all people admiring Minjoo, Yujin is the one she feels she can’t fight. She has a soft spot for her – and also that guilt she can’t remove – that she somehow took Minjoo away from the younger.
Hitomi had concluded that Yujin will confess. Can you blame Hitomi for being scared? That little monster inside her is a panicking mess right now, stunned yes, wanting to run after her girl, absolutely. Does she not trust Minjoo? No, she trusts Minjoo more than you know. She trusted her with her heart, with her worries, and the concern that are clouding her minds. Still the fear is real – like who wouldn’t? It’s your competition, the next closest person to the one you love, and they are about to make their feelings known. Some said there is nothing to fear about but Hitomi has learned something that we are human and some of are fears are quite irrational. The feeling of losing Minjoo to Yujin looms large over her head.
She started willing her feet to follow them. She took as big as steps as she can, when suddenly an arm pulled her to the side and pinned her to the wall, just a few steps to the third floor. It was a person she least expected it to be but she should have expected it to be her.
“Why?” Hitomi asks.
“Let her.” Nako said looking at the ground, and using all of her body weight to prevent Hitomi from escaping, holding both her arms in the process.
“Nako…”
“Let her.”
“Nako-please.” Hitomi’s eyes are watery. She tried to find reason as to why Nako, who promised to support her, is here supporting her rival. “I thought you are on my side.”
“I am, I’m always am on your side but I’m also at Yujin’s side, do I need to choose Hii-chan?” Nako eyes watery begging Hitomi not to make her choose. “Now that I think about it, maybe I was not at anyone’s side but my own. Doing whatever the hell I think is good. Don’t make me choose Hitomi. If you do, I might just choose myself and I hate to loose you as a friend. Can you trust me Hitomi? If not, can you atleast trust that Minjoo will choose you. Do you trust her?”
“I do but.. I do trust her but…” This is Hitomi’s conundrum she trust Minjoo what she don’t trust is somewhere deep within - it might even be herself and that fear that can cloud her judgment.
“But?” Nako inquired, looking her straight in the eyes.
“What if… I’m scared. Nako-please. ”
“What, what if? Let her please. Let Yujin do this.” Nako insist, tightening her hold of Hitomi’s arms.
“I’ve trust Minjoo with all my heart but I’m still scared. I don’t want her to be gone. She doesn’t know right, Yujin doesn’t know that she has a lot of things ahead of me. I get jealous of those. There are times I still feel like I’m dreaming that Minjoo is with me, not her. You know it Nako right? That time? You said. ”
“I know, I’m sorry. Just let her ok. Minjoo loves you that will not change. Look this is hard for me too. Yujin… Yujin I hate seeing her broken. She’s too precious. You know that too right. She’s too precious like a ball of sunshine.” Nako gritted her teeth trying to forget that the ball of sunshine, the light of the smile from – the younger girl they are talking about disappear. In a way all she wanted is for that girl to keep her smile – for her she’s too precious and too young to be broken.
“Why?..” Hitomi ask looking at Nako whose eyes are pinned to the floor then realization comes to her. She sighed, Nako maybe smart. She would not be shock to know she is a genius but matters of the heart do make people dumb, just like her and Nako is no exception.
“Hah Nako-chan.” She huffed looking at her friend with equal point of inquiry and figured you out in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Hitomi.” Some sort of fear started creeping on Nako’s heart. A steady flame that has ignited long time ago that is now making its presence known. She’s shoving that to the far corner, telling herself it’s not it, that’s not it. She knows she care for Yujin way more than cares for a friend – and to her that is at this moment a scary thought.
Between these two Japanese girls chasing after their dream, is fear. Different kind of fear, the fear of loosing your love and the fear of realizing you’re falling for someone faster than you think.
Hitomi gave up trying to escape. Nako is way stronger than she looks like – her eyes as determined as Yujin’s. Hitomi wants to cry out of frustration but somehow she wanted to cry for Nako too. Somewhere between those brown watery orbs of her friend is her friend hoping against all hope that one she lent her heart will not be hurt. That is a fundamental fear everyone has.
Stupid Hitomi, she berate herself. She didn’t see that, well Nako didn’t see it either. Out of that corner – they can hear Yujin trying her best to muster her courage. She wanted to run there and prevent her; she tried one last time to escape.
“Let her do this so she, you and Minjoo can finally put this to an end. Just trust Minjoo, ok. She will choose you, I know she will choose you and like I promise, I’ll pick Yujin up – ill take care of her. Let this be the end, we will face what happens after.”
Hitomi took a deep breath. She succeeded trying to calm herself down. She listens carefully to each word Yujin says. It was the youngest heart spilling out of her chest – that takes a lot of courage.
“Unnie…” Yujin try to say calmly. Her heart wants to jump out of her chest. She looks at the girl in front of her whose face is marred with confusion.
“Yujin? What’s wrong? ”
“Unnie… listen. Could you listen to me for a second, I’m going to say something; promise me you will not hate me after this.” Yujin’s face is beet red, one from exhaustion of trying to run as fast as she could, two her nervousness, and three, her standing here in front of Minjoo with literally zero plans prepared at hand.
“Why would I?” Minjoo tilted her head look at the younger girl that is looking everywhere but her.
Yujin finally meet those inquiring eyes.
“I..”
The words are in the tip of her tongue wanting to get out. “I know you and Hitomi are together now, but … but..”
“But? Is there anything wrong Yujin?” Minjoo is visibly concerned; Yujin is this energetic younger sister to her – growing faster than she could have imagine but she has never seen her with this eyes that are filled with fear and tentativeness, her determination fizzling out. Minjoo ask herself, are there things that is worrying the younger that she hasn’t paid much attention too.
“but… Unnie.” Yujin covered her face. She tried her best to fight the urge to look away from Minjoo’s inquiring eyes. “I like you… no I love you.” She huffed. “Love you not as friend, love you in same way Hii-unnie does.”
“Yuj-“ Minjoo tried to say something but Yujin quickly shushed her, she took a step back and admiring the girl in front of her, a gentle smile formed on her lips.
“I – unnie. I don’t expect you to return this.” She pointed to her heart. “I just wanted you to know.” There is a sharp pain that is quickly subsiding as tears roll down her cheeks, she wipe it off with the back of her hands. “I’m sorry unnie if I put you in this kind of situation.” She scratches the back of her neck, averting the gaze the older is throwing at her direction.
“Yujin look at me.” Minjoo gentle held Yujin face. She’s confused, yes. She has been in this position before on both sides. She hasn’t thought much about it but she always knows there’s burden in rejecting, trying to let down the other as gently as possible. Things make sense now to Minjoo, the way the younger acted before and some. Stupid of her to not notice it earlier that’s what’s going on in her head. “Since when?”
“Since…” Yujin stop and think of it, since when really has she fallen for Kim Minjoo, maybe it was that time. “Since I met and learned you’re the same Minjoo of my childhood, maybe even before that.”
Minjoo look up for a bit and willed the tears to go back in. She pursed her lips and look back to Yujin, wiping the younger girl’s tears. This was her last year before a new love bloomed in unexpected way – she was like Yujin. She understands but she needs to tell her, “Yujin, Thank you but-“
“Unnie I know, you – Hitomi-unnie. This to Hitomi-unnie.” Yujin pointed out to older’s chest, her words are as incoherent as it sounds, and she’s trying to form sentences so that she won’t hear what will come next.
“I’m sorry- I..“
“Hitomi-unnie.”
“I love her. I’m sorry Yujinie.” Minjoo tried to give Yujin a hug but she was stiff-armed by the younger-keeping their distance the way it is.
“I understand. I’m sorry for putting you in this position. Please forget what I said. L-lets just forget this.” The younger awkwardly shuffled, looking for ways out. She noticed that the older is reaching to her face, she block her hands and smiled. “It’s ok, I’m ok. Thank you. I hope – I only hope for your happiness.” She bowed to her and quickly bolted out, like she is being chase by fire, to the rooftop.
Minjoo watches her run to the stairs. She sighed she was about to turn around when out of the corner of her eyes she saw her love run towards her. “Hi-“
Hitomi engulfed her in the biggest hug she could muster, that was her original plan really. Except that every fiber of her arms are shaking, asking the taller to never go, never leave her alone, to stay there. Hitomi can’t imagine a future with no Minjoo in it, how did she even live before? In her dreams, there is this clumsy – funny girl, with the face rivaling that of a goddess and kindness almost that of an angel. In her dreams she would dance and sing on stage as Minjoo watches from the audience, that the day after that she will wake up with Minjoo on her side. Foolish right, maybe it’s still too early to dream of that but Minjoo fuels her ever growing desire to stay and pursue her dreams.
“Hii-chan, I’m not going anywhere.” Minjoo kisses the crown of her head. People see her as an angel but how can she be an angel when this gesture filled her with selfish thoughts. She’s lying if she said she doesn’t like this sort neediness from the Japanese. Hitomi has always been the independent type but Minjoo enjoy the times she rely upon her. She hugs her tightly assuring making sure that Hitomi will feel that she will not go anywhere.
“Min-min I need to tell you something.” Hitomi took a step back and look at her girlfriend.
“You sound so ominous.”
“Ey—what word is that. Just listen to me ok.” Hitomi chuckled putting a smile to both their faces. Minjoo think she’s too cute for this world that she would have kissed her there if not for Nako awkwardly shuffling at the back. Nako mouthed where is she? Minjoo subtly pointed her to the direction of the rooftop.
Nako run as fast as she can to Yujin. She found her not far from the door, sitting on the corner with her back on the wall, head buried on her knees. Crying like she lost in a championship game on the last shot. Nako kneeled beside her and cradled the younger. Finding it a bit funny how she’s just slightly taller than a sitting Yujin.
It breaks her heart seeing the younger crying like this. There is nothing much she can’t say right now. No it’s ok. No it’s going to be fine, nor does she have the grace and smoothness to pull a joke. Nothing much she can do other than be there.
She hears her hiccups, she sees her tears, and she feels her heavy breathing. All she can do is gently squeeze her hand and making sure the younger knows she’s there. There is no Prince Ahn or Puppy Yujin in sight, only Yujin as Yujin, a kid whose heart was broken. Her first love was rather a sad experience, though no matter how mature you think you are, rejection hurts, at this age it does feel like the world.
Nako feel the younger intertwining her fingers to her. Nako looks at the crying girl and then to the hand that is holding hers tightly.
“Unnie don’t leave me.” Yujin finally understood what Nako means of just letting it out, no words of judgment or jokes or words of consolation, just ears and shoulders assuring they are there and just her crying her heart out.
“I won’t, Yujin.” Nako look up to cloudy sky, “I won’t unless you want me. I’ll stay here until you get tired of me.” Nako let out another sigh it’s not too late to back out, but she won’t so she just whispers words of encouragement to her heart. Love come and go after all and sometimes it blooms even at the coldness of winter.
She felt the younger leaning her head to hers. “You know you’ll eventually screw your back if you keep doing that.” The younger hummed, her breathing no more labored, it calmed down. Nako watches the snow fall down gently to the concrete and like the falling snow her heart is falling. She realizes that she’s pretty much still a child with her heart beating furiously inside her chest.
It was night that she comeback in her room with two orders of cheeseballs.
“Nako-chan are you just going to go back and forth there and not offer me any of those treats?” HItomi cheekily called to her from inside her room.
“Come in.” She waved to her. “You need something to talk about?”
Nako nodded and made her way into the strawberry scented room and sat in the bed just in front of Hitomi who have his back against the headrest. “Is it ok if we eat here?”
“Cheeseballs are cheeseballs. Is this some sort of peace offering, Nako?”
Nako awkwardly cough. “sorryboutwhathappenedearlier, ihopeyoucanforgivemeandthatwestillcanbefriends.” She mumbled with her head down.
“Offering denied.” Hitomi pushed the boxes to Nako and crossed her arms. Nako’s mouth open wide, she ruffled her hair trying to find a better way to remedied things and found nothing. She looks at Hitomi, her vision getting cloudy.
Hitomi chuckled and flick her forehead. “I’m just joking, I already forgave you. I also want to say sorry – I put you in a difficult situation.”
“Tomi-chan.” Nako quickly stand up and opened her arms wide.
“W-wait wait it does not mean that I don’t harbor some hurt feelings over here but I can’t find it in myself to be angry at you. There is part of myself saying I should, there is also part of myself reminding me of how good you are to me. Love is something but friends is also another thing I don’t wanna lose. ” Hitomi glances at Nako who has now a wide grin on her face. “I’m not ready to lose someone like you, you evil little scheming penguin. I mean not over this.”
“Yep this is my favorite Hii-chan.” Nako gestured thumbs-up. “It’s fine to be a little bit angry at me, I deserve it, and it makes me a little less guilty.” She then opens the boxes of cheeseball and picks one and offered it to Hitomi. “How’s it with Minjoo?”
“We’re good. I told her I know about Yujin and all those things. I’m lucky you know she’s really an Angel. ” Hitomi tried to hid her blushing face – thinking about Minjoo.
“Yep an angel especially when you make her sc-“ Hitomi shoved a cheeseball to Nako’s mouth before she could say anything anymore. “Geez Hitomi, I’m just saying.”
“We are not doing what you’re thinking. It just tickle attacks.”
“Oh well whatever suits you, Hitomi. I’m not saying any of those you’re the one who is thinking about it.” Nako shrug as she prepares to eat another one. Hitomi throws a pillow that hit Nako square in the face causing her to cackle.
“ert Nako.” Hitomi mumbled.
“I’m the ert now when you’re the one who’s thinking about it.” Nako plop a cheeseball to . “What’s your plan now Hii?”
“Me? Right now, getting accepted in an agency is highly unlikely. I might need to go back and I don’t know if I can get back here.” Nako raised her eyebrow like the way The Rock does. Hitomi always find this funny. “I’m still scared. I really-really wanna stay here for my dream. I think I started wanting it more.”
“Because of Minjoo?”
“She has become part of it.” Hitomi smirks, “I’ll do my best to apply for another semester in the exchange program.” She holds Nako’s with more hope than fear. “Minjoo may have become part of my dream now but I’m also doing this because of me.”
Nako picks up one of the cheeseballs and raised it like it’s a shot gloss, “Remember.”
Hitomi grinned, “Yes.” She chuckled – “it be a while till we can drink.” She picks a cheeseball and raises it the same way Nako does. “To our hopes and dreams.” A toast made out of cheeseball reminding them of that one they made out of crepes.
“Nako-chan shouldn’t you ask your heart too?” Hitomi giggled.
“My heart already answered, Hitomi.” Nako shyly smiled – she’s pretty good at admitting things to herself, that’s for sure.
“What’s in a dream Hitomi?”
“That’s … pretty hard to answer. Why are you being philosophical now?”
Nako pick another cheeseball and ate it. “You swould easht yoursh nwaw too or I’ll eat it.”
They consume the delicious treat and talk about things that may have constitute their dreams. It’s not only them asking about it that night at the floor above them Minjoo and Yuri asking themselves about it too. Love and dreams interleave at their life.
Minjoo is frustrated about the impending end of the semester. It marks the time Hitomi needs to move back to Japan. The Japanese told her of the possible plan she could take including convincing her parents to transfer but none is 100% on their hands. Even with the events earlier, Minjoo’s heart is all set on making the most of their time together, for it may not be there tomorrow.
“Atleast it can be reset.” Yuri bawled out – using game terminology in her words. “atleast you know she’s fighting to be with you at least Hitomi has you in her dreams.” She sniffled. “I’m not there. There’s always this feeling she’s going away and not return anymore. She hasn’t told me and part of me don’t want too hear it but I know and I feel she going far away from me.” Yuri always feels it that Yena is going away, far away.
They agreed they love them, maybe too much for their own good – mayhaps their heart has become blind but it’s trying to find its way in the darkness that is the future. They talk about the future, of things that are distant but almost near. Minjoo still sees herself as an announcer while Yuri is still sure she wants to be a singer maybe even writing a song. Maybe one day she will right about this love that has looming end date, about how I didn’t end on her term, how sometimes her dream is as simple as singing to the one she love.
Yuri took her notebook out and started scribbling words she’s looking for answers, things she wants to ask Yena – one day she mayhaps sing about it.
What is a dream?
Is it something
you wake up to?
Pursue?
Like a madman
Does it only include you?
Does it need to be that high up?
or could it be
as simple
as being
with you?
waking up
to you?
Could I flutter my eyes
open it
and find myself
singing
writing
words
about you.
Maybe one day they will talk about it, one day Yena might talk about it. How she’s the one who left, how she pursued her dreams like a mad man, hurting those around her.
Yujin called quietly to her unnie – who is fixing her travel bag. She piled on her back playfully. The older ask if there is anything wrong and she answers she’s fine – she has sorted her things out. Yena ask if there is anything she could get for Nako as thank you. The younger answered anything Twice related will do and ask her to give her something too.
“Anything else?” Yena asked.
“Just let me be for a moment. I just want to remember you.”
“Yujin?”
“Remember that time I lost a championship game and you took me to the side and made me understand what I should do, you listen to me and understood me. Let me remember you as that unnie, I’ll cheer for you even if you’re far. Just don’t lie to me – I just want to spend this time with you. At the very least there is still about 6 month’s right?”
“how d’you-“ Yena was about to ask when she remember how smart Yujin is at this things. “Yeah. I’m migrating to Canada. I-I miss my family.”
Yujin look at her with big round watery eyes asking how about her, them.
“I will miss you all. That stupid Hyewon too she could fly to me though – she’s freaking rich she could to that every week. Yeah and that stubborn Chaeyeon I’ll miss her too, all of you and…and…especially her…. Yuri.” Yena’s tears flowed like a flood gate was finally opened, she gritted her teeth she couldn’t muster anymore words.
You can say there is away to contact, technology exists – but physical distance can be damning and time can be deceiving. Yena is one of those people who knows that fact by her heart.
Looking at her unnie wailing as if she’s impaled by a sword, she asks herself, what really is in a dream?
What are they made of? Are they made of pain? Maybe? Sacrifices? Sometimes. Of wanting to go away and leave those precious to you? Maybe some of them. Of wanting to stay against odd? Yes.
It’s a mix of this and that. For some it includes sacrifices, of pain, of letting part of your heart be left, of break ups, of people crying, of the broken pieces that is you. But then it also made of small triumph, of simple gesture, of people around you, of your love, of your passion, of your own vision of the future.
What is in a dream? Your heart, your mind, your soul, you? How high, how complex, how simple? Is there even guarantee at the top – when you get there will it be worth it at all.
What is the dream? It can be what you want to do. Sing, dance or play. Some of places they want to be. As extravagant as being on the top of a high rise building or a simple as finding that place that can be called home. Some dream of belongingness, some of internal peace, some of people they want to be with, of a family running happily.
Yujin realizes she still has a lot of dreaming to do. Not just when she’s asleep but also when she’s awake. She retreated to her bed after allowing her Yena-unnie to finally cry it out.
She vividly remembers the dream that she repeatedly dreams about in different variation. She failed to tell Nako of some details like on how one of those started with her waking up inside an apartment for two people. How it’s evident that the apartment is her and Minjoo’s. On how Hitomi’s hair in her dream is blond and how even though she lives with Minjoo in the same apartment many of Minjoo’s pictures are with the blonde-haired girl.
She falls asleep seeing these details once again, repeating them over and at end is that purplish white colored hair flowing with the wind. She called her name - it’s a name she knows.
Nako.
In the depth of the night, Eunbi was about to finally retreat to her bed. She bid goodbye to Chaeyeon who diligently went over her to report on things in need of repairs. She pinch the bridge of her nose, her shoulder’s are heavy.
She’s just masking it but she’s worried. One of her tenant’s has not updated them of her whereabouts for days now and another tenant is worried to death about her. Heck they all are worried. If this is anyone else, they would have longer lease before they worry but it’s Hyewon. They know how much her life is in brink of danger.
Eunbi put on a face mask, hoping all this stress would not age her up that much when her phone suddenly rings.
Her eyes almost jump out. She almost drops her phone as she tries to answer.
“Where the are you?”
On the opposite end is someone trying not to cry, “Kang Hyewon do you know how worried she is? us? Where are you?”
“Unnie, I wanna be home.”
If there is one thing Hyewon and Eunbi relates to each other, is that their dream includes the thing that has been elusive to both of them.
Home.
Notes:
- There is a reason I settled the title of this is as Everyday As We Dream. One of the main story about this is each of them going after their dreams.
- The story finally move to 2019. With that the story push forward again. O_O I almost beat my longest chapter lol.
- I remove the part from here but Yujins parent won a trip for 2 overseas lol.
- I tried being dramatic :> Tell me what you feel about this chapter.
- I forgot to add - Nako just like teasing Hitomi about Minjoo. I added this side of Nako from Wonyoung's accidental comment in one japanese guesting. XD It does not mean anything much.
- Aside from dreams, there is another theme. letting yourself cry it out and letting someone cry it out [tackled it in alot of chapter].
- Aside from YujinNakoTomiMinjoo, there is also a movement to ChaeYenaHyewon story and a hint for Eunbis and Also YulYen.
- and.... Hyewon.... O-O girl are you ok?
- Next Chapter is Chaeyeon's [as you guess b-day sort of - maybe not exactly her birthday but... yeah] and finally a focus on that friendship so its also Yena and Hyewon and a ;) bit of Chaekura/Kkuchaen.
- Thank you for reading the story up to this. We have come far - a bit more. I'll try to write 2x a month for this. 🙇♀️
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