Have you ever felt like it is the end of your world? No? Then I hope you won’t ever have to.

It , seeing the reasons of your living crying for you. It , seeing her eyes tear up at your voice. It , when all you can do is it up and for once, be a man.

He tried looking back at that day, trying again to no avail, looking up between them. What had gone wrong?

--

“Where are you?”

“I’m in front of Halal Guys. Are you here yet, baby?”

“Wait, I can see you.”

Her unmistakably white coat is standing out amidst sea of black and brown.

“Hi.”

He is looking into her eyes, trying to etch her face into his mind. Never mind that they’ve been together for six months. It feels like they had just started to go out with each other yesterday.

“Hi.”

Her smile lights up his world. He doesn’t know whether she realized it or not, that she holds his heart inside her dainty, pinkish fingers.

“Where are we going, princess?”

“Can we go walk around first? I’m still deciding on what to get.”

“Aren’t you hungry?” he flicked her nose. Said nose scrunches up adorably, and turns red. She really is beautiful. His own little Rudolph.

“I am, so can we go get ice cream first??” He doesn’t have a heart to . Who in their right mind would buy ice cream when it is 10 degrees outside?

His girlfriend, apparently.

--

He can’t look at the soft ice cream store without feeling choked up, even in summer. He avoided the road altogether the first winter he had without her.

--

“Take it.”

“What is it?” She throws the little package lightly, repeatedly. It sends his heart to the pit of his stomach.

“Yha, don’t treat it like that, I picked it up with care you know.”

She laughed at that.

“You’re being ridiculous”

“I’m serious. I chose it with my heart and you play with it?”

He throws an extra pout, knowing full well the effect it gets on her.

“I get it. I get it. You should be lucky your mom gave you a cute lips to pout on.”

She looks up, mirth dancing inside her eyes, and tilts her face to reach his.

She kisses that pout away.

“There. Happy now?”

He nods sheepishly.

“Go. Open it.”

“What is this actually? Didn’t we agree on no presents?”

She must be mad to think he will let their first anniversary went away without something special.

“Princess. Just open it.”

She opens it and he doesn’t regret the extra month he spent slaving away at that awful fast food place.

“Baby! You didn’t-what??”

“Yes, I did.”

‘This is enough,’ he thinks to himself. ‘This is enough’ as she hugs him and rains his face with publicly allowed kisses.

--

The first time the manager took them inside the fast food store, he felt sick to his core. It was late at night and despite the seemingly 24 hour façade Seoul had, most of the stores had closed at 3 AM. ‘Why this particular branch, manager, why?!’ He couldn’t shout it out loud, of course. So he settled it up by staying silent. If he was being broody, his manager didn’t point it out. Hanbin is just being Hanbin, anyway.

--

“Um, baby… can I talk to you for minute?”

“Yup, go ahead. Wait princess, can I call dibs on this one though? We’re going to the stage now.”

“Oh…right. I am sorry.”

“No biggies. I’ll call you back.”

“…Yes. Good luck!!”

He doesn’t know that it will be one of the last encouragement he gets from her. He is too busy calming himself before the stage begins. It is their decision stage, after all.

--

He never made that call. He got carried away with debut preparation, with song makings. The onslaught of fangirls didn’t help either. Whenever he tried to get away from the groups to call her, there’d always be some girls following him.

He couldn’t call her when he was in dorms, either.

‘She must be asleep,’ he thought to himself. No one in their right mind would be awake at four in the morning.

They survived through text messages, him being buoyed by her “I’m fine”s and “It’s okay”s.

Until that damned night.

--

A call came from her, smack dab amidst his practice. His heart plummeted to the ground, fearing her safety. She never called him before, fully aware that it will bring both of them more harm than good.

“What happened? Are you hurt somewhere?!”

She laughed at that. God, he missed hearing her laugh directly, not through texts emojis.

“No, Hanbin-ah. Why would you think that?”

He let out the breath he had been holding on.

“No?! Thank God. Then wassup?”

“Wassup?? God, no hahahaha, No. Mr. Corny, no more wassup please.”

“Alright.”

“There is this thing…Can you come outside for a minute or two?”

“Where are you princess?”

He doesn’t know that her heart breaks at that pet name.

“Behind your company.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Can you come out for a while, please?”

He looked up to his dance instructor, asking for a short break.

“Okay. Be there in five.”

The elevator , so he went up without one. It was just a floor anyway.

He found her in a secluded place that only his company’s people knows. Security ahjussi must have shown her the way.

“Hi.”

She didn’t answer immediately, but trying to drink him in. Taking in his sight.

He felt weird, because it was supposed to be him drinking her sight in, normally.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Can I at least hug you first?”

He looked at her like she was mad, because really, did she have to ask?

He opened up his arms, wide open. She came in, hugging him. Breathing him in.

It was so not like his girlfriend.

“What happened, princess?”

“Ssh, let me be.”

So he let them in that position for a moment. Quite a while, actually.

“Okay, I’ll man up now.”

“Who told you to let go of me?”

She laughed, her laugh was laced with something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

She went hugging him back, but giving them a space so she could talk to him.

“Hanbin-ah, I’m…accepted.”

“To that nursing program?! Really?!”

She nodded.

“Then why are you so down like this princess? We should celebrate it! Wait, I am going to call it an early night and we can go out, okay? That ramen place you’re so fond of, how about it?!”

He kissed her forehead and about to go back inside when her hand clutched at his back.

“Hanbin-ah”

“Yes”

She didn’t dare meeting his eyes. He should have known by then but he was too ecstatic to end the practice to meet her.

“It is in England.”

His steps halted. His heart took a moment before it returned to its regular beating rhythm. He turned back to her in slow motion.

“Say that again?”

“The nursing program. It is in England.”

An uncomfortable silence stretched between them. Him trying to process it, her trying to reign her tears in.

“I mean…well…It’s okay right?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Princess?”

Her hands went up to her face. He didn’t get it. They could just do what they have now, why is she crying?

“Princess, why are you crying?”

She cried silently, facing him as she had no choice but that since he cupped her face up.

“It isn’t fair to you…”

“What isn’t fair to me is you giving up on us before trying.”

“It isn’t fair, still. You’re going to be so busy, with so many opportunities in front of you. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“So what? Are you…breaking up with me?”

She held his palms away from her face, bringing it down to their waist level.

“Yes. I’m breaking up with you.”

--

He lashed out at her, and she at him. It was a mess of shouting and crying. How could she give up on them that easily? It wasn’t like they went ahead and cheated on each other. They were just going to be separated further than Gangnam and Songpa.

They had Skype for sakes!

Alas, he was too young then. Too shortsighted with anger when she presented her condition. The morning her airplane took off, he was deep inside his practice for his stage in music shows.

If someone asked him about his first love, he could only answer them with blurry images of his kindergarten days.

If someone asked him about his past love, he would look up directly in the sky. People would interpret it the wrong way and said they’re sorry, and he didn’t bother correcting them up. After all, it was easier to let people assume rather than to explain oneself.

It is easier than to explain that everytime he sees an airplane up in the sky, his chest tightened. His breath taken away and his eyes would sting from tears held up inside. His mind being a torture device to his heart, conjuring the images of what could’ve been.

What if she stays just one more day?

What if he didn’t have a schedule that day?

What If he wasn’t a rookie at that time?

What if…they didn’t broke up?

They said crying over spilled milk is naught. That they have had enough of heartbroken Hanbin. But he was crying over the cracked bottle long before it spilled. They just had to deal with heartbroken him for a while more.

“Hanbin-ah. Let’s go. Where’s your passport?”

“Here.”

“Don’t lose it. Careful holding it.”

“I understand, hyung.”

He lowered his head again, trying not to lose sight of other members amidst the welcoming crowd in Incheon. Pity it would only take two hours to Tokyo. He needed to sleep.

“Mom. How many times do I have to tell you that I’ll be fine?”

“It is just a three-month long internship. I’m not going to go off and marry someone. Duh.”

“I know, I know. I am sorry that I can’t spend the holiday with you this Christmas, but this is a once in a lifetime chance. I have to go for it. I’ll call you later, okay. It’s X-Ray time.”

His spine straightened. His body turned rigid. He looked to his side. On another metal detector, being scanned by the officer, is her.

**